New baby - interfering inlaws

[MusicIsMedicine]

Baby is 2 weeks old. Came by C-Section so I am still recovering.

Inlaws visited today. They walked in and lifted baby straight out of cot (she was fast asleep) without even asking me.

Then asked me what was for dinner.

Then spent the full visit interfering in everything from her name to her feeding to her sleeping. It was like I don't exist and they were her parents! Grandma referred to her as 'her girl.'

She breast feeds. She had a low birth weight - 4lb and is a tiny baby who needs small feeds very frequently.

Final straw was grandma refusing to hand her back to me saying she doesn't need feeding yet. Then when they left, saying it's time to wean her off these 2 hourly feeds. I wanted to say - and do what, starve her?!

They are coming back tomorrow, having left a stack of dishes today. They informed me, not asked, informed me they'd be here at breakfast time.

Help. How do I put boundaries in.

Am fuming.

Thank you again for the support and tips.

The feeding on demand is getting exhausting.

My DP has started phoning his parents from his car when he goes out to smoke. This is new. I wonder why they can't talk in front of me any more.

I have no independence at the minute and am a prisoner in my own home as baby has a low birth weight and too small for the pram and car seat and I haven't managed to take her out yet - what can I do?

Also, DP and I arguing constantly about her care. He thinks I am overly anxious and must have PND and I think he is slack and ill-informed on caring for a low birth weight newborn.

Examples - when he offers to look after her for a few hours, he lets her sleep for up to 4 or more hours and does not work to my feeding schedule or wake her for a feed and when he does, he gives formula, even though I explained this affects my milk supply and she is then ravenous later in the day and I have to try and manage this...

She grizzles a lot at night and won't settle in Moses basket and pulls her legs up and kicks blanket off and sometimes hyperventilates and she won't stay on her back to sleep...I said she can't be left unsettled like this and could pull that blanket over her head and suffocate and the grizzling means something and we need to figure it out. He says I shouldn't be lying awake at night watching her and he would just go to sleep!!! I can't do that though with a 2 and a bit week old tiny newborn of 4 lbs, nor am I prepared to just leave her in obvious discomfort like that while I sleep.

Is he right that I am over anxious or is it maybe that he has not grasped the massive responsibility a mother feels to this tiny infant?

I think that ultimately you and he could well separate; this is the thin end of the wedge. This is also the first of many trying times you will have with him and his parents with regards to your DD. His boundaries with his parents are also way too low and he cannot or equally will not be his own person here.

Your man is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.
HIs inertia when it comes to his parents simply hurts him as well as you; he is and lives in a fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to his parents and is still seeking their approval, approval that they will not readily give him. This is also why he has taken to phoning them from the car. These are not excuses but reasons as to why he is behaving like this.

You have a choice re this man ultimately, your DD does not.

Can you get the midwife/HV round to talk to you both together?

Is he feeding her formula against your wishes? If so, then you have far worse issues than his parents.

He does it when I sleep as he says he doesn't want to wake me. I sleep about 2-3 hours in every 24 as baby is so hungry. Sometimes I get away with 2 hours between feeds but then she does cluster feeding and wants fed every hour. I don't want her having formula really but sometimes I can't express enough milk to have a sleep so he gives her a bottle...but he doesn't wake her up to feed and she goes too long without milk then I have to play catch up all the rest of that day or night.

Inlaws had issues with how much time I spent in bedroom breastfeeding on their visit...because it's all about them! Dreading seeing them again. None of them, DP included, seem to understand what's involved in breastfeeding, let alone with a tiny hungry baby. Father in law was referring to me going back to FT work after 6 week post natal check!! I have a full time job already, it's called getting my baby's weight up!!

I hope it gets better soon, the ILs are very overbearing and your P hasn't figured out he should be on your side.
I think baby and you are the most important thing right now so try to ignore them as much as possible, keep baby and plenty of food and water with you. I tend to fall asleep while breastfeeding so have mattress on the floor and some pillows behind my back for support, also sometimes I breastfeed lying down but found DD couldn't do it in the early weeks. Co-sleeping also helped me a lot but I know it is not necessarily advised for babies with low birth weights. Kangaroo mother care is perhaps something to look into.
Big hugs, you are doing wonderfully. Health visitor might be some good support, I found mines very knowledgeable, open and caring.

Thank you BlackVelvet

That's another thing...DP keeps saying he is not happy about breastfeeding in bed...I can't sit up for long or hold baby up so I have to do side lying...he is worried I will fall asleep and squash baby and even doesn't like me lying there snuggling her after feeding and wants her just plonked in her cot right away.

Studies of the kangaroo mother care have shown that baby's heartbeat, breathing and temperature are best regulated when baby is next to mum's chest. He needs to read up/find good information before forming an opinion.

Grobag instead of blankets. They stay cosy and can't wriggle out - you can get them for newborns.

Your oh sounds like a total arse. Can your HV read him the riot act?

The cluster feeding is exhausting but it is for a reason - I struggled so much with no then literally over three or four days it all started to go right. Hang on in there!
What you need now is support. Any family/friends who could help? Talk yo you HV?

The website Kellymom is good for breastfeeding support.

Cluster feeding is EXHAUSTING but normal. My DD used to feed constantly from 5pm to 5am for the first 3.5 weeks! No I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't co sleep and feed lying down at that point because she had a TT so wouldn't stay latched if I wasn't physically holding her on! I was a zombie.

It's so hard and you need good support to keep going. Your DH sounds like an uninformed tool!
Make it clear to him that you want to be woken up for feeds, or perhaps set an alarm on your phone for 2-3 hours later and go and wake baby yourself.

Get him to look at that website above. Get your MW/HV to have a word about how important regular feeding is and how introducing formula at this stage can affect supply. If your baby is that small have the MWs not suggested a feeding schedule? (You mention 'your' schedule). Can you make him read it.....

Re: getting out and about have you looked into slings?
Some of the stretchy ones are ok for tiny babies, the structured carriers like Bjorns usually require babies to be 8lb or so I believe but I'm sure the fabric ones can be ok....do you have a sling library in your area? Google or look in Facebook. Or usually the NCT breastfeeding support workers (normally listed in back of local/midwife breastfeeding leaflet) will be able to tell you about sling meet ups.

You sound like you're having a tough time without much support so it's no wonder you're feeling anxious. Don't let anyone start telling you you're depressed etc you're just adjusting to life with a baby and the overwhelming responsibility it brings. If you don't feel supported in this and that you and your DH are working together as a team then of course you're going to feel anxious and overwhelmed. Not to mentioned sleep deprived!

Can you seek out some support like an NCT breastfeeding peer supporter? Or local BF group?

for you. You're doing great

And you won't roll onto or squash your baby - breastfeeding mums just don't. Studies have shown this

Just dug out this leaflet i was given when I had DD..... Show it to your DH!!!!!

Hi MusicIsMedicine, I haven't got any different solutions to add for managing the ILs but wanted to repeat the message that they are in the wrong, not you.
I would second getting a sling if you can to keep baby close to you (and out of ILs clutches) and to enable you to get out. Some sling libraries are mobile and will come to your home.

I also wanted to send some encouragement and say well done, you are doing brilliantly! I know from experience how hard and lonely it can feel when you're struggling to feed up an underweight newborn, especially if you're trying to exclusively breastfeed. The circumstances you're in make it even harder. Keep going! You are doing a great job of fighting for your little one!

No advice really, as you've been given loads of good ideas here already, but just wanted to say how very well you are doing for someone exhausted and recovering from a CS.

Focus on yourself and your baby, and do whatever you feel is right for you both.

And an unmumsnetty (((((( hug )))))) because you need it.

Mamas and Papas do a front carrier that's suitable from birth. DD was in it from 2 days old. I remember the issues I had after having DS, the carrier prevents what I call babyhogging, I've yet to have to ask for my own fucking baby back this time round.

OP my DD1 was prem and low birth weight. When we brought her home, I pretty much fed her in bed. After an emergency c section the last thing u wanna do is get up every few hrs to take baby out, feed then put her back! That's exhausting!!!

U can use a Cocoonababy or Sleepyhead (u can get a second hand one online on FACEBOOK mums network or gumtree or even make ur own sleepyhead) next to u so u can keep baby in bed safely if u are worried. But trust yourself! In lots of other countries, babies cosleep without any dramas. In fact in other countries its recommended. Do what u feel is right for u and ur baby. Your sanity and energy and sleep is more important than what ur DP or ILs think.

wants her just plonked in her cot right away

i think your dh is just being deliberately obstructive and downright lazy. Better to do a 'quick' job and plonk baby back in its 'box' so he can get on with whatever he's doing?

All the comments re your mothering - how the HELL would he know anything about looking after babies?! I think he's parrotting whatever the il's are saying about you to him.

i also don't like how he casually thrown in 'pnd' when you're trying to discuss the wellbeing of your dc. What does he know about pnd? If he knew even the basics then he would understand how unhelpful and damaging his and pils attitude and behaviour is to you right now.
I hope to god i'm wrong, op, but be careful. I wouldn't trust him AT ALL. By forcing you into a position where you regularly have to get assertive about things, i think he's trying he could be trying to make you appear unstable and/or a risk. He wouldn't be the first male who's tried to play this game on his dc mother - just so he could get full residency and then palm the dc off on his parents to bring up.

i'd discuss all this with your HV. Hopefully she'l rip him a new one!

If this was happening to a friend instead of to you, what commonsense advice would you give her?

I'd suggest taking a step back on a regular basis and trying this out in your head. Then apply this in your replies. If you react with obvious tiredness and emotional negativity they'll ignore you. Oh look she's just being stressy again If you make clear statments they'll have to back down.

Decide your 'rules' for your DD and stick to them, unless you hear advice that changes your mind as it would benefit your DD.

You're doing really well!

Statements not statments!

If she is brings her legs up it could be gas caught in the gut. We would cycle the legs to help dc fart.

OP the other way to access practical and emotional support is to post on here!

I also have a old dragon unsupportive MIL and a DM who tries her best but has narcissistic tendencies and doesn't really 'do' emotional support....so I know how lonely and stressed it can make you feel. And that was with a very supportive DH!

AIBU, chat and relationships boards get a lot of action. Day or night, someone will be there to offer advice and support. It helped reassure me no end in the early days and

About the sleeping in bed: look up the Sleepyhead. It can go in your bed and makes co-sleeping completely safe. Plus the Sleepyhead makes the baby feel so cosy and settled (and you can put them sleeping on their side in it if comfier for them). I've only had one for my 3rd new baby and I do so wish I had one for first two.

Get your HV round to speak to him OP. He's full of shit and not aware of how to take care of a baby, and needs to be taught by an expert. Ring her up and tell her this is what you need. Look up safe bed sharing, too. It's the only way in the early weeks. I still feed sitting in bed at 10 months, too.

Thanks so much for the support and advice, it is very much appreciated.

Don'tmindme1 - I think you could well be right. The inlaws have a shit marriage and retired and have fairly empty lives and been through a few things that mean they're desperate for a new 'purpose' and I'll be damned if trying to make my baby their new lease of life is happening.

Strange how you hit on this as they were all nicey nice and supportive during my pregnancy then as soon as baby arrived, their attitude towards me has totally changed, as if I am now surplus to requirements. Cannot believe I have found myself in this situation.

Thank you all for the support.