New baby - interfering inlaws

[MusicIsMedicine]

Baby is 2 weeks old. Came by C-Section so I am still recovering.

Inlaws visited today. They walked in and lifted baby straight out of cot (she was fast asleep) without even asking me.

Then asked me what was for dinner.

Then spent the full visit interfering in everything from her name to her feeding to her sleeping. It was like I don't exist and they were her parents! Grandma referred to her as 'her girl.'

She breast feeds. She had a low birth weight - 4lb and is a tiny baby who needs small feeds very frequently.

Final straw was grandma refusing to hand her back to me saying she doesn't need feeding yet. Then when they left, saying it's time to wean her off these 2 hourly feeds. I wanted to say - and do what, starve her?!

They are coming back tomorrow, having left a stack of dishes today. They informed me, not asked, informed me they'd be here at breakfast time.

Help. How do I put boundaries in.

Am fuming.

I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this op, you should be enjoying newborn snuggles, not putting up with this shit. I would do what you have said up thread, set up camp in your bedroom and stay there. Make sure you have plenty of drinks and snacks for yourself! You are doing so well to breastfeed post section. You need time to recover, not look after guests. After my sections I didn't even cook for myself, never mind others! Hopefully they will get the message, I hope you have a better day tomorrow .

Tell your DP that you and your little baby will not be spending time with his parents tomorrow morning. He needs to explain this with them and make alternative arrangements that are convenient to you.

That you will not be cooking or washing up for them anymore.

that until such time as you feel differently, if he readies himself to go out and leave you alone with his parents you will, before he goes, ask them to leave so you can rest.

When you are recovered and can leave DD - which might be a while - suggest couples counselling could be helpful.

I have interfering parents and didn't fully see this until DH got really angry about similar things that happened when we had DC1. Had a lot of rows. I "got" it gradually, but reckon counselling could have helped and made the time easier.

I had the same thing about not giving DD back (in fact she was taken out of my arms when crying; I was so stunned I was speechless), the "my baby", and (different pregnancy) needing to prioritise DC over my own health (like I needed to be told) but also DH's life over my health (basically cook his tea when I was barely able to stand up straight).

I'll never forget any of this. There will always be a distance with my MIL that I don't have with any of the rest of DH's family. I am tiger mom-ish with my own DC, but they're babies.

I am sorry that they are doing this and that your DP is being...useless. He needs to sort it out...you've had a major op and he lets you cook/clean for his parents. Ffs.

You are right that boundaries need to be set and that the man child needs to shift to thinking that you and his child are the most important ones here.

Barricade yourself in the room, tell DP that you are not to be disturbed and if they are hungry that there are plenty of takeaway menus about.

However, they seem to have more neck than a giraffe....what will you do if they barge in etc? Will DP stop them?

I only ask, as you should have a backup plan in case.

Personally, I would contact your midwife/HV and tell them....maybe them explaining to DP about you needing rest etc, may very well make him wake up.

Just a thought is baby due to see the GP/midwife very early tomorrow? then you could bring this situation up and they could then read the riot act at DP.

Urgh it never fails to amaze me the lack of empathy these people have. Enjoy your lovely baby tomorrow OP.

Phoenix I love that plan! OP do that! Call your MW!

I've raised it again with DP, as well as his lack of support and he was ambivalent and informed me he is going running between 2am and 8am. No consultation.

He was out today bringing a quiche to his mate - while I had bugger all to eat until 2.30 afternoon and using my overdraft to buy us all food.

If this carries on I am leaving.

How do I go about getting into a WA place if I need to.

Are you ok op? Could you just go out early tomorrow, decamp to a friends and leave them all to it?

Your midwife would be a good person to advise you, she could have a word with your partner too.

Um, is WA really appropriate at the moment? You are not being abused as far as I can tell (unless there are other issues). Your partner is just being a dick as are his parents. I realise that you probably feel overwhelmed but that is kind of par for the course with a new baby. What is the quiche/overdraft thing about? I didn't quite understand that.

But if you do feel you are being abused, absolutely ring WA right now. Don't wait.

So does your DP have any idea what paternity leave is for? It is about time off to care for your partner and newborn... not early morning running and delivering quiches to people who don't need them.

What the fuck is going on here?

You need to do what Olivia says - decamp to a mate's house and ring your midwife for help and advice. This is madness.

Set PIL to work "oh lovely to see you. I'm really tired and wound is really sore and baby needs fed. Can you do the shopping, clean last nights dishes and it would be wonderful if you could sort dinner & clean the loo"

Forget expressing you need baby to feed from you. Don't hide away just set the two of them to work. It might p them off but really people do forget how hard having a newborn is. Enjoy your baby.

WA is really not necessary here based on what you've said op.

If your partner won't be upfront with them then you should have a word yourself and save yourself all this worry.

Good luck.

I'm surprised that your DP didn't cook the dinner and that nobody else has commented on that.

When I was recovering from a birth, I didn't have to lift a finger, apart from looking after my baby, for four weeks.

Your DP is being a useless prick.

But don't make any hasty decisions at the moment.

Tomorrow just take yourself and DD off to your bedroom alone, tell your PIL to do their dishes from yesterday and see to themselves or your DP can, but you and DD need some time together in peace.

Then close the door.

I'm furious for you OP

So what if you shout at them and lose your shit? Maybe it's what you need to do (although appreciate you may not want to do this in front of baby).

And I don't blame you wanting to leave your partner either.

You NEED support though, and now - please please call a good friend or your m
midwife/HV as soon as you can. Heck, if you live near me I'll come over and tell them what for.

I have steam coming out of my ears reading this! Firstly, OP congratulations on bringing your lovely DC into the world. Your DP is a fecking drip; you & baby should be his only priority right now. Taking quiche round for his mate? I'd be showing him where to put that quiche! I would be tempted to show him some of these comments, personally.

He should be grown up enough to be shielding you from the worst of your PILs behaviour, but it sounds like he's not terribly aware of what they are like, and too bloody cowardly to do anything about it. You're not alone in this; I have precisely the same thing with my DP and PILs who take over at every opportunity. You desperately need those boundaries; this behaviour can chip away at your relationship if it goes unchecked (I know!) and then comments that may have been meant completely innocently like "my girl" can really get your hackles up.

It's really difficult when DPs family has a different culture and set of rules to yours. I've had to spend a lot of time talking to my DP about this, and described it as families being like different countries. Different laws, currency, traditions etc. and maybe nice to visit, but you don't necessarily fit it and want to stay. It's been painful for him as he's had to see his family for what it really is (a bloody clan of runaway steamrollers!) but it's been essential for our relationship. They are still steamrollers, but I am now more confident to say no and put my foot down in my own home (although they don't consider it my home, only his). It obviously hasn't made them like me more, but I feel more sane

Good luck OP. Right now with a 2 week old baby you rule the roost, your word is law. They need to hear that and back off. and for you.

Have you registered the baby yet? I know I'll get flamed for this but if you are considering ending this relationship, I'd hold off on putting him on the birth certificate just yet. See if he grows a pair and acts like a proper partner should!
Once he is on the bc he has automatic legal rights. He can get those rights by going to court but is isn't quite so straightforward.

Just to add though that lots of men are shite when they first become parents and it can take time and some serious rows before they cotton on to the fact that doing what their mum and dad want is not the priority and that their partner is now a mum in her own right and deserving of the same respect and consideration where her own baby is concerned.

You really do have to speak up and stand your ground and be prepared to chuck them out of the house if necessary.

Aside from them invading your space - which would make me angry too itself - they obviously don't understand the importance of feeding on demand in the early days regardless of baby's birth weight. All bf babies need to be able to feed whenever they want.
If you don't think you'll be listened to (which seems a fair bet), either ask your midwife or health visitor for a leaflet that you can give to your MIL, or have a quick look online. I remember seeing something which was written for grandparents which had a polite 'wind your neck in! message relating to feeding nowadays compared to their generation.
Or, engineer it so they are in the house while the midwife visits so they can hear it from a professional. And get the midwife to reinforce the importance of letting you rest and recover. Bloody cheek of them expecting food then not tidying up etc.

Inlaws are here already.

Told him no but he ignored me.

Told him to tell them when I ask for my own baby back, I'n not asking, her feeding needs aren't a discussion or a negotiation and they don't just wade in and lift her without asking me.

I'm in the bedroom, been up all night, bloody knackered and he kow tow'd to their demands to be picked up now and said I am making it difficult.

I texted him when he left and said no he is making it difficult and if that is his attitude to his wife and baby then he can fuck off or I will and that I've had enough and I am leaving.

Really would it have killed them to wait a few hours.

I am absolutely livid.

I just read your updates OP, and I want to give your DP a good shake. He needs to step up. Are there any other family or friends that you could go to?

Op, other people have given loads of very good advice and Outblanche has it EXACTLY right withe her post about what you DP needs to say. But I just want to say, please PLEASE don't feel that you have to express and give expressed milk instead of breastfeeding while they are there. Experts recommend that you not do this at all until baby is at least 6 weeks old as it can reduce your supply of milk if you do it before breastfeeding is established. With your daughters low birth weight it's even more important than usual that you feed her from the breast every time you possibly can. If you aren't comfortable breastfeeding in front of your inlaws you should ABSOLUTELY stay in the bedroom feeding.

And if she's uncomfortable with you breastfeeding I suggest you sit in the front room with that baby on your boob until she either grows up or sods off!!

It is very very easy to spend the whole day with a baby attached to the boob. In bed. Naked. Good for milk supply. Someone has given you this advice, do it.

You will never forget how your DP is acting now :(

Seriously stay in your bedroom with baby. Let them fend for themselves until you are ready to get up. Once you are up set them work you must have jobs that need doing, clean the loo, food shopping, make dinner, keep them busy and spend your time with baby.

I would be livid if they turned up at my door at 8.30. Not easy trying not to be rode over but keep them busy. DH isn't going to defend you so you need to be strong.

Any baby / breastfeeding groups you can go to. Take you and baby out if they ask to come say "No I want some time to myself"

Also, I'd like to suggest that you call your health visitor and ask for someone to visit while they are there to tell them. Mine, quite unprompted, read both my mum and my DP the riot act about me needing to be off my feet following my section.