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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New baby - interfering inlaws

149 replies

MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 17:02

Baby is 2 weeks old. Came by C-Section so I am still recovering.

Inlaws visited today. They walked in and lifted baby straight out of cot (she was fast asleep) without even asking me.

Then asked me what was for dinner.

Then spent the full visit interfering in everything from her name to her feeding to her sleeping. It was like I don't exist and they were her parents! Grandma referred to her as 'her girl.'

She breast feeds. She had a low birth weight - 4lb and is a tiny baby who needs small feeds very frequently.

Final straw was grandma refusing to hand her back to me saying she doesn't need feeding yet. Then when they left, saying it's time to wean her off these 2 hourly feeds. I wanted to say - and do what, starve her?!

They are coming back tomorrow, having left a stack of dishes today. They informed me, not asked, informed me they'd be here at breakfast time.

Help. How do I put boundaries in.

Am fuming.

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 18:19

Thank you all for the replies and the support.

At first, they were planning to come and sleep on our couch! (Tiny flat) meaning every time I wanted to change her day and night I'd have to go and do it in their 'bedroom' - her changing station is in front room.

Had told my DP to tell them to get a hotel as our flat is temporary and is already overcrowded with just us there.

It's how they've also ignored the fact I just came home from hospital around a week ago after major surgery and think it is ok to expect me to cook for 4 adults while trying to care for a newborn.

The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.

OP posts:
Zaurak · 16/06/2016 18:22

How awful...
Lock the door. Or, if they turn up, which they will, ask them brightly wjAtcthey brought for breakfast. Look confused if they say nothing. Park yourself in the sofa. Latch on baby. No expressing! Better to bf just now for your supply.
Sit on the sofa, with her latched on. Tell them what you'd like for breakfast.
Get one of those stretchy wraps - pit baby in it when not feeding.

And tell your dh to buck his ideas up.

Congratulations on your lovely baby. I had hg too and it was grim - my baby was a bit small but with regular feeding (well, pretty much constant to be honest) he got back on the weight curves. Tell mil directly, that she needs to feed regularly - any comeback from her look her right in the eye and ask her why she wants to harm the baby.?

Look after yourself. Hg takes it out of you and it's critical you rest and eat

And leave the fucking washing up for them. Flowers

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 18:22

Thinking of keeping full changing bag and supplies in the bedroom tomorrow and telling everyone straight, I am in pain and I'm exhausted and I'm resting and feeding - then when I need to change her, I can do it in privacy and quiet in the bedroom, as no doubt they will interfere in that too.

Thoughts?

I can't spend another day like that without snapping and telling everyone to get out.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 16/06/2016 18:26

Yes OP - do that. And lock the door. They have no right to upset you at this stressful time. Flowers

PenelopePitstops · 16/06/2016 18:27

Do it OP. They sound horrible and not helpful at all. Your DP really needs to stand up for you.

Elllicam · 16/06/2016 18:28

That is shocking. I would definitely stay in bed. Get your DP to amuse his parents and you feed your baby. You could even say the health visitor has advised you not to express to avoid nipple confusion.

DartmoorDoughnut · 16/06/2016 18:32

Stay in your pjs, don't hand over your baby for cuddles just keep her snuggled up to you, if they ask for food/drinks just say "yes please that would be lovely". Mind you I wouldn't be letting. Them back over but I'm a bitch Grin

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2016 18:32

Where do they live? Are they nearby? Why are they coming first thing?

I couldn't think of anything worse than a CS followed by ILs who are so demanding and having all that in a confined space.

Don't express. Stay in your bedroom while you're feeding and changing the baby. Don't cook for anyone - if they haven't the manners to bring food or make food and wash up after themselves, then they'll have to have a takeaway.

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2016 18:33

I just can't imagine going to someone's house and asking what's for dinner, whether the family had had a new baby or not. It's incredibly rude.

ImperialBlether · 16/06/2016 18:34

Were you expressing because of their visit?

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 18:50

Yes I expressed as I felt under pressure to be in with them instead of in bedroom feeding my baby - ridiculous but that's what I'm up against. They live about 90 mins away on the train and are elderlyvut that's not my issue.

Tomorrow the gloves are off.

OP posts:
confuugled1 · 16/06/2016 18:52

I would definitely set yourself up in your bedroom with plenty of supplies of nice things for you, clean clothes and nappy changing stuff for your dd, tv controls/box set/sky controls/dvds/books to entertain you (if you have one tv then you're the one recovering, you get to choose what to watch, not them). I'd also be very tempted to order a nice take away lunch or dinner for yourself that gets delivered with nothing for them.

Is your dh on paternity leave? I'd also tell him straight that if he wants his dp there then he needs to be there. If he goes out, they go out with him. He is responsible for his own and their food. It would be good if he got your food too apart from your nice treat take away that you're taking straight into your bedroom, make sure you have a clean plate in there for it! He also needs to be sorting out the washing up, as much laundry as possible, tidying, cleaning and so on.

Remember that you are still at a point where you can blame any explosive blow ups on hormones in response to their appalling behaviour to you should you want to smooth things over with them later on. If they are behaving badly again then blow up at them - if they don't like it, tough, you wouldn't need to if they weren't treating you so badly.

Definitely don't answer the door to them when they come too early tomorrow - leave them waiting for dh.

Just enjoy snuggling up with your new dd, resting, relaxing and recuperating. Every bad thing that your mil says or does - treat her like a toddler and set her right every time she does something wrong. And remember that if she ever refuses to give back your dd again, tell her not to be ridiculous, give her back once. A second time. And then say seriously, that's the third time you've asked (you'd have asked originally too), what on earth is she doing. Just give the baby back and go - then start to unpick her fingers from the baby remembering that if you need to lean on her to get leverage to do this, your elbows are pointed and if you put any pressure onto her through them, she might see the point you are making a little more quickly if she's in discomfort...

sorry, random thoughts. but Flowers and Chocolate for you and your baby!

BoatyMcBoat · 16/06/2016 19:01

It's not insane. How well do you get on with your mum and siblings? Could you go and stay with your mum for a couple of weeks while you recover and tend to baby? That would be the best bet, dh can visit in the evenings every day if you're close enough, or just stay at w/e until you feel well enough and confident enough to come home again.

Sometimes a big shock like you staying elsewhere is enough to get dh to think about things properly.

You do need looking after. You should not be running about looking after guests right now. They should be bringing food for you!

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 19:05

The whole thing is ridiculous.

I wanted to punch her when she wouldn't hand back my baby. I shouldn't have to explain why I want her back either. She is not a toy.

I was treated today like a bystander instead of my baby's mother. It's just not on. My DP is looking at me like I'm nuts when I point this stuff out.

I'm doing my own thing tomorrow and f*ck everyone. If I have to blow up and tell everyone to get out, I will.

OP posts:
Gide · 16/06/2016 19:06

Presumably pil have come from elsewhere and are staying in a hotel? Get DP to phone them NOW to tell them the visiting hours you will allow tomorrow. Note: what YOU allow, not him, not them. Do not express, you have her feeding, sod the rest of them cos the important thing is to get her weight up. When they're rude or won't hand her over, bloody well tell them you're not having it. You need major boundaries now before they take over. Fuming for you. DP needs to step up big time. Stay in the bedroom tomorrow.

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 19:08

Boaty

My mum's a no go. Lives miles away and is toxic. When I hadn't kept a meal down for eleven days in hospital with HG, she texted me to say I wouldn't be fit to look after a baby and should have her adopted!

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 16/06/2016 19:09

Oh by the way, ds Is 12 weeks, weighed almost 9lbs born and still feeds every 2 hours. I don't express for anyone either, youre in your own home - at this age she's feeding ro increase supply. She needs to be on your breast.

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 19:14

Exactly. I shouldn't be altering my baby's feeding routine to suit other people's bullshit expectations.

I can see me proper losing the plot tomorrow.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 16/06/2016 19:48

I feel for you - we have fallen out with mil for similar things, told me I shouldn't be breastfeeding because It leaves me no time to do housework Hmm whereas if he was ff then she could come over and feed him while I clean and make tea for dp. Also said that him feeding 2 hourly means he's not getting enough and im not thinking of his best interests. Our difference is that dp told her to stop and to leave. We've barely spoken since then as she refuses to get in touch now - it's only her losing out on seeing her grandson.

LikeSilver · 16/06/2016 20:03

Everyone else has given excellent advice, but I just wanted to say I really felt for you when you said MIL refused to give your baby back for her feed. I have never felt rage like I did post HG pregnancy and c section, when my stepmother did the same thing. Hormonal or not. I cannot even imagine holding on to someone's baby when they have said they need to feed him/her. Awful.

numberseventeen · 16/06/2016 20:10

You won't get this precious time back op. Make a stand, be firm and TELL them what you will be doing.

"I'm having some quiet time with dd, I'll be feeding on demand and would like to do so in private. You will need to eat out"

Tell your dp that he has to back you up on this, this is YOUR time to bond, no one else's

Redisthenewblack · 16/06/2016 20:22

OP they sound like a nightmare and I feel so sorry for you.

I quite liked your idea of locking yourself away until I thought maybe you were doing that so they didn't feel uncomfortable watching you feed your baby in the most natural way. In which case, is sit in full view of everyone, boobs out, feet up, feeding my child whevever they wanted, DEMANDING cups of tea and snacks at every possible opportunity.

Make them feel uncomfortable if you have to. It's YOUR house not theirs! They should be rallying round to help you ffs. You've had major surgery and a newborn baby! Fuck em!

Redisthenewblack · 16/06/2016 20:22

Oh and congratulations on the new addition to your family! Flowers

RedMapleLeaf · 16/06/2016 20:26

Don't play games tomorrow. You're not a victim and you're not a marty.

Tell your husband that having guests around tomorrow doesn't work for you so he needs to let his parents know.

And that's that.

RedMapleLeaf · 16/06/2016 20:26

Ha! "Marty" autocorrect!