Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

New baby - interfering inlaws

149 replies

MusicIsMedicine · 16/06/2016 17:02

Baby is 2 weeks old. Came by C-Section so I am still recovering.

Inlaws visited today. They walked in and lifted baby straight out of cot (she was fast asleep) without even asking me.

Then asked me what was for dinner.

Then spent the full visit interfering in everything from her name to her feeding to her sleeping. It was like I don't exist and they were her parents! Grandma referred to her as 'her girl.'

She breast feeds. She had a low birth weight - 4lb and is a tiny baby who needs small feeds very frequently.

Final straw was grandma refusing to hand her back to me saying she doesn't need feeding yet. Then when they left, saying it's time to wean her off these 2 hourly feeds. I wanted to say - and do what, starve her?!

They are coming back tomorrow, having left a stack of dishes today. They informed me, not asked, informed me they'd be here at breakfast time.

Help. How do I put boundaries in.

Am fuming.

OP posts:

BoatyMcBoat · 17/06/2016 19:32

Hope you're OK, Music. Did you stay in your room; I have an image of you and baby happily squooshed up in bed and your mil pushing her way in - you sit up and yell "Fuck the fuck off and when you get there, fuck off some more" but I'm sure you didn't. It would have the effect you want but you would have lost in all other ways. Still a slightly less outrageous outburst would be OK.....

PhoenixReisling · 17/06/2016 19:35

How are you Music?

Please see your HV/Midwife/GP, your DP needs to be told that what he is doing is soooooo wrong.

How dare he leave you again to host and feed himself and not you. That guy needs to grow the fuck up.

Daffodil90 · 17/06/2016 20:07

Hope everything was better for you today OP. How are you and baba?

FannyFifer · 17/06/2016 20:32

Just read your thread now, hope you are ok.

KinkyAfro · 17/06/2016 20:43

Hope you're ok OP

Original poster

MusicIsMedicine · 17/06/2016 22:22

Thank you all for support.

Stayed in room feeding for hours...outlaws left after ten mins this morning when they realised I wasn't altering schedule for them, then came back later, I went out for a while just before they were due to leave and made sure they knew from now on it's on my terms or not at all.

DP says he also had a word with them. Then he made me food and drinks after they left.

This only happened because I blew up this morning and said I was leaving.

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/06/2016 22:30

Sounds like it's moving in the right direction, well done for standing up for both you and your DD at a vulnerable time

coconutpie · 17/06/2016 22:37

Sounds like good progress was made today. Well done for standing up for yourself, hope your OH starts to cop the fuck on now after today. Hope you're ok

Original poster

MusicIsMedicine · 17/06/2016 23:35

Thank you all for the kind words and support. Felt so angry reading some other people's experiences. Made me see how often our special times in life are ruined by other people's bullshit.

OP posts:

Absofrigginlootly · 18/06/2016 01:33

Glad you managed to put your foot down! Go OP!!!!

If any further doubt remains print off a couple of these and leave them out for DP and PILs to read....!!

www.essentialbaby.com.au/life-style/being-dad/dads-here-are-12-things-every-new-mum-wants-you-to-know-without-having-to-tell-you-20150903-gje61m.html

www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/10-rules-for-visiting-a-new-baby/

MIL did all that snatching baby from my arms and walking off shit, oh and point blank refusing to hand her back! (She actually said to my face "no I'm not giving her back")....along with a long list of other crap.

Basically NC now. It's so hard to recover a relationship from that sort of BS.

Why oh why oh why do people think they have the right to try and separate mums from their babies?!

Original poster

MusicIsMedicine · 18/06/2016 03:24

Yes that shit is just not on.

Everything I did was under scrutiny from querying why I was changing her nappy instead of letting her sleep (er because there's shit in it, would they like to be left lying there sleeping in their own shit) to telling me what her name should be.

Clincher was them telling me her 'new' full name with their surname attached and not mine (dp and I are unmarried) as if it's a done deal that she'll have his surname. There's another red hot issue, someone else upthread mentioned the birth cert...having serious questions over what to do now.

I think they are going to be a nightmare and completely over involved and don't want to acknowledge my place as her mum. Or dp's place as her dad. As it stands, their behaviour has nearly ended our relationship over these past 2 days - I had to threaten to leave FFS. My DP then blames me for not 'compromising' rather than seeing they are unreasonable and overstepping the mark.

I cannot see this ending well.

OP posts:

MoonriseKingdom · 18/06/2016 04:07

Well done with the breastfeeding, sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. I wanted to reassure you that my DD fed 2 hourly daytime until weaning at 6 months (although the feeds themselves got quicker over time). It's really normal and don't be put off by ILs ignorant comments. Don't express for anyone's convenience but your own. Your only focus should be feeding your baby, making sure you eat/ drink plenty and getting rest where you can. Hope this is the trigger for your DP to buck up his ideas. My DH has rather limited cooking skills but post emergency c-section he did all the cooking or we got take away.

puglife15 · 18/06/2016 07:21

Well done for putting your foot down

Its such a shame it had to get to the point where you threatened to leave.

I hope your DPS better behaviour continues and that the PILs get the message soon too.

We have had the usual run ins with my parents and PIL criticising our parenting but ive always felt DH was on my side, which totally makes it bearable.

Don't let this ruin your enjoyment of your lovely new baby, sod 'em.

NotYoda · 18/06/2016 08:11

God this is shit for you

Were there signs of his lack of support and empathy before this?

Is it a blindspot in dealing with his parents?

NotYoda · 18/06/2016 08:13

I am guessing that it's actually not new at all. For you to think about getting advice from WA (let alone us) would suggest that.

And I think that if that's what you feel is necessary then you should absolutely do that - don't let anyone on here suggest otherwise

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2016 08:14

So glad you stood up to them and your DP.
You know this might not end well so give your DC your surname only!!!!
I hope he does step up but not holding my breath!
Well done!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2016 08:37

Music

re your comment:-
"I think they are going to be a nightmare and completely over involved and don't want to acknowledge my place as her mum. Or dp's place as her dad. As it stands, their behaviour has nearly ended our relationship over these past 2 days - I had to threaten to leave FFS. My DP then blames me for not 'compromising' rather than seeing they are unreasonable and overstepping the mark.

I cannot see this ending well".

I would argue that his parents have always been toxic and now you have a child their ongoing issues really do come to the forefront.

Your boundaries have been way too low to date and you will need to keep on raising and reaffirming your own boundaries with all of them. Your partner's own inertia when it comes to his family of origin is also hurting him as well as you. He cannot or equally does not want to see his parents are hurting him. He is very much in a FOG state (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to his parents and will keep on putting them before you and in turn your child. He has always compromised when it comes to them, he is still very much in fear of his parents.

I think the above scenario has infact already happened and I would register your DD with your surname. They will simply try to continue to undermine your authority as this child's parents.

clam · 18/06/2016 08:50

I would register your DD with your surname.

Or, at the very least, a double-barrelled version of both. Mind you, there was a thread on here recently about a nuclear reaction from some in-laws about a poster who did that.

divafever99 · 18/06/2016 09:18

Well done op for standing up to them. I'm sorry you are having to go through this at this time. Enjoy your baby

Evergreen17 · 18/06/2016 09:53

I would say not to come
They are being very rude

Nope. Say no. OH should explain. Draw a line and enjoy your wee one

Sleepywolf22 · 18/06/2016 10:23

Firstly congratulations on your beautiful new baby. This time should be about you and your baby. Your dh should be prioritising you and baby first. I am surprised he ever managed to conceive a baby as he really needs to grow a pair. Whatever you don't start compromising just to keep the peace. In the long run it does no one any good. My mil was exactly the same. I made the biggest mistake of my life by allowing them to get away with all their negativity just to keep the peace and to try and be a family. Now 2 kids later I finally found my voice and told my mil where to go. Something I should have done years ago. My spineless dh wouldn't stand up for me and left. You need to nip this in the bud now as it will only get worse over time. This is a very emotional time and you need support not all this crap. If they won't support you lock the door, take off the phone and get someone over who will help look after you so you can look after your beautiful baby.

StrictlyMumDancing · 18/06/2016 10:36

There are very few times in life when it's perfectly acceptable not to compromise on things. The period after childbirth and whilst you heal is one of them.

Not that I feel you are being unduly uncompromising.

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/06/2016 10:44

Definitely register her with your surname, it can be changed in the future if you do get married but this way you and your DD have a bit more security.

Fomalhaut · 18/06/2016 12:57

agree - register with your name.

And keep her on the boob! Mine cluster fed for hours every night. Just put her on whenever she squeals - mine would have objected hugely to two hourly.. :) you're doing great - well done for putting boundaries in.

Alpies · 18/06/2016 21:07

OP I was in the same situation as u and have gone through 2 awful years with my MIL. 2 days after an emergency c section, I had to go buy her lunch!!! The day I got my discharge, she told me to get a taxi as she wanted her son by her side! I had to sit in hospital and wait for OH to take her out to dinner. When she visits, it's like she has exclusive right over DD1 (who is now 2). It's as if she's her mum and not me. She turns up here and stays all day and I have to cook for her and I have to ask permission from her to hold my baby or feed her. She also had huge problems with me breastfeeding.

My mistake? I stays quiet for 2 years! I should have stood up for myself. A lot of people will say u don't have an mil issue but u have a OH issue. But u know what don't wait for him to sort shit out for u. He is a man and he doesn't get it. Send them a text and tell them they r being a pain in the ass and causing u stress and work. If they r not being supporting then frankly tell them u cannot have them come round and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Tell them to fuck off basically.

I wish I had done that 2 years ago instead of going through all the pain I did with MIL. In the end I pretty much told OH that if he didn't start managing her, I'm putting my 2 babies in my car and driving off! Now she's only allowed to visit when OH is home but it is still stressful. Make a point of telling him everything that pisses u off. No compromise and no negotiating! Ur home ur baby ur rules! Don't let negative energy drain u especially at a time like this. I know what it's like to have a small baby, mine was in ICU for 2 weeks. U both need to rest, eat well and sleep as much as u can. U need to be happy and relax and cuddle ur baby as much as u want and feed her as often as u can for as long as u want.
Text them and tell them u don't want any visitors atm. Ask them to show respect for ur decision and the fact that u have just had major surgery and are not in a position to cater for their visit. Ur home is not a hotel.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6