how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

That's the key Justadh - acceptance.

I've also accepted my wife doesn't want to have sex with me. I just need to accept that the rest of the marriage is worth the loss. I think it is for now, in the future, without so many pressures I doubt it will be.

Justadh its one thing if your wife were to be sympathetic to you and regretful she can't provide you with sex you would like, but she's treating your desire with contempt. This complete lack of sympathy might be a sign she's never experienced any kind of real sexual desire herself.

But I'm always a bit doubtful when husbands claim they always manage to give their wives orgasms every time. They only have their wife's word on it, and apparently its fairly common for women to fib about this.

Our marriage has been really unpleasant and totally sexless for more than 14 years and poor for a few years before that. I belive this has been entirely due to untreated depression in DW. I’m still not sure of the exact causes. I’m sure I was part of the problem but there certainly were other factors as well. This went untreated until six months ago when DW decided that her life had to change. With medication and counselling she has now started to get better. We still haven’t made love yet we have had a few attempts. But I’m now the problem. I’m so scared and anxious the old fella refuses to work. DW has been been very understanding with my failed attempts and possibly over the next few months maybe we will be able to restart our love life.

But how have we coped? The simple answer is by ourselves. Fortunately I work away from home so didn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis. But I did try my very best to support her whenever I was at home, as I believe a husband should. I think I do my bit around the home. I’ve also tried to be a good Dad to our three children (20, 18 & 14) but I feel as if I have probably failed them. I think a sensible person with a backbone would have walked several years ago. But there again, I did promise to look after her in sickness and in health. Also the optimist in me thought that things couldn’t get any worse. But it did. It also doesn’t help if you love the person who is hurting you.

I’m unable to give others any advice. But in my own case I should have been more assertive in making DW get help, years ago and maybe I should have if left if she refused. The short term effect on our children would have been unpleasant but overall they would have had better relationship with us both. And maybe she would have sought help a lot earlier. Who knows.

But it it possible to survive. It is unpleasant and almost unbearable if you have a high sex drive. My fingers are crossed for us both.

i posted on this thread a while ago. Im ok at the moment. I find reading any thread on here thats remotely related to dating is really helping. There is so much crap and politics involved that i really couldnt be arsed.

@scott ive never understood faking it personally, i see it as pointless. If you fake it your partner thinks they are pushing the right buttons and wont change!

@fokker that sounds really positive, i hope things continue for you and that you can seek help for your issues too. Good luck!

@helena i think id feel the same!

Nothing to report my end, but DP hasnt been around much the last few days/nights. I really missed her and im looking forward to having a cuddle and a movie tonight.

Name change fail...

I feel I owe you all an update.

Things didn’t get off to an auspicious start. I wanted to leave for the hotel after we both got back from commitments we both had Saturday am. Unfortunately, DW got back later than expected. We then had to pack. As we were going to a hotel that had a spa & swimming pool, she had packed a swimming costume – things didn’t look good.

She then suggested that we go and see my mum (which we usually do on a Saturday pm) before we go to the hotel. Mums in a home with Dementia, so although I REALLY just wanted to get to the hotel, I agreed.

We spent what was to me an excruciating hour or so with my mum, to whom I’d like to apologise, as my attention was just not where it was supposed to be.

We finally got to the hotel just before 5pm, booked a meal for 8pm, and went to the room.

After unpacking DW suggested we explore the hotel. I couldn’t wait any longer. I said I wanted to talk. It was at this point I realised she knew that there was something on my mind. She asked if this was something to do with why I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last couple of weeks. I said yes, and then dove straight in.

We had an amazing conversation, with no tears, no blame, and no recriminations.

I explained that I was really concerned that our physical relationship had seemingly vanished. I told her how much I love her, how much I enjoyed our relationship, how I didn’t want there to be anyone else, but that I really needed there to be a physical aspect to our relationship, and that I wanted to have regular sex with her.

She told me that for her, things had changed after the birth of our second child, which I get. Obviously having two needy children demanding your time and body is something a man can’t really understand, even house husbands, but I understood that me coming home and “demanding” sex wasn’t what she needed.

It didn’t help that I work away from home during the week sometimes, and when I got home on a Friday I just wanted to have sex, but of course, hadn’t really thought about what she wanted and needed.

She also said she felt I “smothered” her, both physically and mentally. I should explain that I’m quite a lot bigger than her, and can be quite, er, physical. This is why she stopped allowing me to “snog” her, and performing other sexual acts.

She said that, for a long time, she felt I was always “hovering over her” and never really allowed her to have her own space.

She also said that, (although I have NEVER commented about her weight or size), that after the children, she felt she struggled with her weight, and never really felt sexy.

Sex had become the elephant in the room. She often “just allowed me to get on with it”, as it “would keep me quiet for a while”.

I told her that she has always been sexy to me, and that I have always desired her. I said that, for me, sex wasn’t just intercourse, but that I really enjoyed the build-up, and having that side of things taken away from me caused immense frustration.

She revealed that she had considered telling me that, if sex was so important to me, that I should get a girlfriend. I told her I just didn’t think that that would work, but if it was really how she thought, we should discuss it. I repeated that, if I was going to have sex with anyone, I wanted it to be her.

We agreed that neither of us had helped matters. If anything, we had each built on each others issues and problems, and had caused sex to be a huge problem for both of us.

I told her how thrilled I was that we were actually talking about things, and had opened the conversation. She agreed, and then asked me if I was turned on at all…..

There was a lot more to it, of course, but I’m aware this post has gone on a while.

Suffice to say, I got a lot more from the weekend that I had expected, and am very happy that the plaster has been ripped off, the wound exposed, and (hopefully) the healing can begin.

I’m not naïve enough to believe we’ve resolved all the problems in one weekend, but we are talking, and have agreed to spend more time together just her and I.

I’m sure my journey isn’t over, but feel we made great strides in the right direction, and I’m so pleased I found this site, took the time to read through this and similar topics, and decided it was time to do something about our situation.

If I can offer any hope to those in similar situations, I would say that maybe you should organise some time away with just your OH, and rip your own plaster off.

Be prepared to hear things about you that you may not want to hear, give each other the time and space to talk, and LISTEN.

Be prepared to change. Ask your OH if they are prepared to change. Obviously, what you are doing now isn’t working for either of you.

I’ll be around, and will try and post updates. Good luck to you all!

Married 15 years, together 23 years, 2 DC, sexless for the past 2 years. DH doesn't look at me as anything other than a mother, doesn't notice anything about me. I've really had enough, and can't live without the sex much longer. We have spoken about it but nothing changes. Most crucially, I am no longer attracted to him and love him as a friend and a brother, but that's it. Does that mean we are over?

I look after myself, love clothes, makeup, keeping fit, whereas he honestly doesn't really care how he looks. It seems so disappointing when one person makes all the effort and the other doesn't!

I am contemplating having an affair, which has always been totally abhorrent to me, but I really can't go on like this much longer. Sometimes you can understand how affairs can keep a marriage going.

Sympathies to everyone in the same boat.

So married for 14 years with 2 children under 6. We have not had sex in almost 2 years.

We've talked about it, my wife has had seem a therapist as sex is simply not something she is interested in and so she is never in the mood. We try but it's so difficult for her to relax and when it did happen it was very vanilla.

So what do you do?

1. Divorce and potentially ruin two children's lives
2. Continue in a sexless marriage and just accept it - rest of your life sexless
3. Affair but that surely comes with huge danger
4. Get your kicks from watching porn

It's all really crappy and certainly getting very depressing.

I'm going for No. 2 until we're in a position to be able to run two households. Probably another 5-10 years I reckon that is doable.

Another 5 to 10 years without or very little sexual contact 😳 may as well become a monk

I know the original post on this thread is old, but so many of you have posted recently so thought I'd share my experience with you. In a nutshell, DH wanted more sex, I was hardly interested. 2 young children, depression on my part, etc. It is such a common scenario. I felt so pressured, it seemed impossible to get to a point where I could ever genuinely initate or even enjoy sex ever again. So we had sex therapy through Relate a couple of years ago and things are 100x better now.

I know going to therapy is not for everyone. Especially talking to a therapist and even my dh so openly about sex was difficult at times. But it enabled us to really clear the air. We needed a complete reset, and the only way to do that was to get back to basics. I finally began to understand that it wasn't so much the sex act that my dh craved, but also the intimacy. That he felt really unloved when we didn't have regular sex as that is his "love language" so to speak, whereas I feel loved when he does things for me, ie. brings me coffee in bed, tidies up so the house looks nice when I come home, meets me at the station, etc. Once I began to realise that if he didn't do these things for me anymore I would feel really unloved, it clicked for me.

Also, in sex therapy, we were instructed not to have sex until the therapist said we were at the stage to so do. Having that pressure taken off was such a relief. We were given homework to just "massage" each other for about an hour (30 mins each) a couple of times a week, but in a thoughtful way, to get to know each other's bodies and to enjoy each other's touch but without getting carried away with arousal. To acknowledge it and just feel it. For me, this was the best thing that helped get us back on track. We often will give each other massages now, with the agreement that it may or may not lead to sex. Most of the time it does because I can really enjoy it without their being too much pressure, he also has learned to enjoy the intimacy even if it doesn't lead to sex. I will consciously remind myself to make time for this a couple of times a week, because I know that's the best way to show my appreciation for him, and I enjoy it too.

There are still times when we don't have sex for a week or two for one reason or another, but I now tell him I know it's been a while and I'm missing being intimate with him too, and that makes him able to cope a lot better. That was another thing I found out in our therapy sessions. In the past I would have avoided talking about it for fear of causing an argument, when it actually has the opposite effect!

Anyway, that's my experience. I really thought we might break up over it at one point, so there is still hope you can get back on track!

Great to hear that you didn't give up and sort out help via Relate. I'm sure it was initially tough but having a trained third party to listen and help bounce back what you're both saying really helps.

Goes to show that for those of us in this position there is hope but it does require both to be involved and committed to making it work.

Our problem is we start to talk calmly about the sex issue in the evenings but it can then turn into an argument ( last night ) and then you go to bed angry and thinking what's the point, hence a third party like Relate.

One final point, this sexless marriage has seriously knocked my personal confidence, the thinking I can't satisfy a women, can't turn her on, not attractive - it's affecting me around women generally - feel less of a man as if everyone knows!

Totally get that feeling unattractive and less of a man. I've given up ever thinking things will change. Relate? She'd not be interested. Sex is transactional for her - expensive or designer stuff and sex may be given. Been so long since she initiated anything I've forgotten what it's like. She's utterly not interested and pays more physical attention to our two dogs than she does me.
I don't help myself as I am quite down a lot of the time. Can't help it really. Hate job, hardly have a fulfilling personal life and have a injury (fracture) at present.
Difficult to see the point of much at present.

Hi Everyone,

Iv sat and read all 9 pages looking for a similarity to my problem... We going 20 years 2 kids later and no sex from the 3rd week I met him.

im sitting here tonight talking to total strangers either because im looking for sympathy or I just need to talk. We have been to counselling for this for almost a year... years ago...

Problem: I don't know. Possibly me because I should of listened and backed off when he did not want to get married.

I should of seen the writing on the wall in the first 4 weeks but it was too late because I was pregnant with the first child.

We didn't get married till the child was 5 and probably only because I fell pregnant second time around with a boy. im heading for separate beds just as soon as we relocate. I let him know tonight. No response except :" What do u want me to say"

im slowly regretting I pushed him into to a corner. I love this man and have tried everything. I would say that I am soft on the eye, disciplined extrovert and I was over weight after the 2nd child but then lost the weight. I weigh 83kg Im 41 his 51.

I had serious anger issues due to the frustration as it turns out on top of all this im over active sexually and this is very bad. If I was the normal run of the mil this would be the perfect relationship.

We have raised very well mannered well educated kids.

This is due to us being able to communicate very well on every level except intimacy. The children are well grounded and confident personalities have afforded them top students in school.

I wont get divorced as I wont do that to my kids its not their fault. iv invested my whole youth and life into this marriage and just cant bring myself to walk away. At this point in my life I should be drinking and smoking and at least kissed another man iv tried and I cant do these things.

Iv also been down the road accusing him of having affaires but he says he hasn't.

The feelings of hurt anger frustration flare up once a month but im learning to control these. I think im dying inside I don't know.

regret
me
xxx

I have gone down the pornography road and iv stopped that due to a very guilty conscious.

sex12x, This is going to come across as flaming but: -

Not trying to be picky, but you obviously have had sex after the 3rd week, because you have a second child.

You got pregnant within four weeks of meeting him? My god, were you bonking 24 * 7? Did you ever consider protection?

Why are you with this man? You say you love him - does he love you? It wouldn't seem so from your post.

It sounds like he has no interest in sex - at least with you. Do you have any suspicions that he has had affairs, or was it just a way to force him to break up with you?

Porn won't help. It's not aimed at women. You don't sound like the kind of woman that could have an affair. Have you discussed an open marriage?

What happened after the councelling? Did things improve at all?

How old are your kids - I'm guessing late teens? They will cope with you getting divorced, but, for your own sanity, I'd seriously suggest a divorce. I don't think that, at this stage he is going to change. Sorry.

Ohh, and just an update from me.

Since my DW and I had our discussion, communication lines are now much better established, and we are both still talking and listening.

We've had sex more times since the discussion than we have had in the last 12 months... Now that could just be coincidence, but I'm hopefull that we really have turned a corner.

I still can't snog her, and she still won't perform a BJ, but one step at a time... At least I can now touch her!

@SurreyDadV,

Hi yes after our first date I took my DH to my bedroom. We were working together at that stage. The first time I saw him I was bowled over. He had no idea. No protection and no contraceptives but I don't regret my children and neither does he.
Our Daughter is 19 and our son is only 13. You right I don't think he loves me. He says he does but actions well .... Again you are right iv come close to having an affair twice but just cannot go threw with it. I work as an exec pa and sometimes im away from home hosting conferences team building as so on. At one time I was away from home for a full week every 10 weeks... The babies were small at the time and when I phoned to find out is everything ok after 7pm in the evening I got told: " yes were sleeping" i'll speak to you in the morning.

Now when I go away I just send a watt app to say iv arrived safely.

then we don't really communicate until I get back .

In the usual argument about no sex the open marriage came out of my mouth and he said I must do what ever makes me happy.

Counselling didn't help because into the 8th month we had sexual exercises to perform that till today has never been done.

Before our counselling started I was called in first and right off the cuff I was told that these are my decisions:

1. Divorce will be approved and I can move on.
2. Stay with him and find a way to accept him for who he is because he will not change.

Thank you for being honest I will just have to find a way to cope because I cant leave him. Even if it comes out he had an affair in the earlier days of our marriage ... ill be to old to get divorced by then.

it is really lovely to hear that you and your SW are enjoying one another.

I’m surprised at how many people are going through this. My child was born 30 years ago. We only have one child and she is brilliant the best thing in my life. After the birth we were like all knew parents excited tired grumpy. Well as we adapted the physical side of our relationship just never returned. In the eArly days I would tactfully broach the lack of closeness in our relationship, however the physical side of our relationship just never returned. I was always left feeling like I was some sort of deviant for raising it. Well here we are 30 years later more like mates living in a house in seperate bedrooms. The lack of sex in our relationship is never mentioned. Around 5 years ago I was extremely lucky to survive a serious road accident. As a result of the accident I was left with ptsd as well as life changing injuries. My wife was a tower of strength during my recovery. As a result I feel even more lonely and guilty about thinking of the lack of closeness in our relationship we do not even hold hands walking down the street. A near death experience makes you appreciate what you have so I just rely on memories from my youth. I know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side so just walk around like a gormless fool dreaming of bygone days. Good luck to everyone facing this challenge if I discover the answer I will let you know.

sex12x

I was really lucky that I broached the subject when I did. I honestly think that if I hadn't, we would have split up, or I would have cheated - Not sure which is worse.

Wow, sex on the 1st date - you must have been keen .

I do wonder if having a child so early on in the relationship made your OH feel trapped into the relationship, and he blames you for NOT taking precautions, even though he could have. This has bubbled away under the surface for years, and has now poisend him against you? Just food for thought.

Sounds like the councellor agreed with what I've said.

I'm sorry, but it takes two to make a relationship work. Right now, there is just you.

You need to decide what YOU want out of life. From what youi've said, I think it's far too late to save whatever you had 20 odd years ago. You are still young, and have a loooong time in front of you. How do you want to spend it?

TL150 Reading through this and similar posts on here, it's not as uncommon as you think. I (now) understand that during the early child years, women get "touched out", and the thought of having to deal with a horny husband is too much to bear.

You obviously have a deep connection with your DW, and maybe that's enough for you, but it wasn't for me.

Yes, an accident like that will certainly make you re-evaluate things. Could you talk to her about your feelings? Maybe start off with how the accident made you realise how short life is, and you don't want to spend the rest of yours sexless (but not that bluntly!)

Just wanted to say I'm in s sexless marriage too. Very little sex in the last 4 years or so. I have tried to talk to him about it on several occasions but he doesn't want to discuss it. I'm feeling unloved, sad, hurt and rejected. I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on like this. But I don't know what to do. I cry every day.

@snowdrop that sounds like a bloody awful way to waste away your life. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound depressed. Clinically depressed. What's stopping you leaving this relationship? Not only for the sake of your sexual needs, but also your emotional and mental health?

@Doingreat I don't know, fear of failure I think- this is my 2nd marriage, his reaction, practical issues etc.
I am depressed, and I've told him I am but I'm quite good at hiding it so people don't see it, and I think he thinks I'm exaggerating.

@snowdrop i have sent you a pm