how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

8 I think it was Plato who said of ageing that the end of his sexual feelings was 'like a salve that is finally freed from bondage'*

Wonder if he'd said that if Viagra had been available the apothecaries;?

Couldn't be with someone without love warmth light & life and Sex:-)

I think it was Plato who said of ageing that the end of his sexual feelings was 'like a salve that is finally freed from bondage'

Wonder if he'd said that if Viagra had been available the apothecaries;?

Couldn't be with someone without love warmth light & life and Sex:-)

The sex in my relationship went from being great on a regular basis to less and less often, then onto basically non existance. Its got to me alot and really got me down to the point of lookong into myself, getting myself even more trim and trying a new look, complimenting, taking her out on dates, massages and anything you can think of even just to get some closeness. What ever i do she is not even interested in touching or kissing or getting close anymore. Its really getting me down, i think allsorts in my head, my self esteem has gone down and even more sad i look forward to events like my birthday, or christmas etc thinking something might happen. We got married a few months ago, nothing even happened on the wedding night or around that time or the honeymoon. When i talk about it shes not interested and gets angry.
On the odd occasion she has tried it but comes out wit me,u keep going on come on then lets get this over with which turns me off straight away. I would say we have sex once every 3 months and its not like it was my performance has been affected then she moans at me. Im getting so frustrated and so angry and fed up i duno what to do. Iv suggested seeing a doctor and she wont

Interesting read.

We have resorted to trailing sleeping in separate beds, upon my request, because it’s simply easier than the constant feeling of disappointment. Not sure if it constitutes separation.

It has driven me to contemplate having an affair. Might be meeting an ex but mostly as a distraction...

I am a wife of nearly 10 years.

I'm considering telling my husband I'd like a divorce but I'd like to think we could still live under the same roof. I no longer want to be considered his wife or in any way be assumed to come under his authority. Has anyone else thought of this? We have a grown up child who has problems so don't wish to add to them.

anyone else doing sex once or twice a year.
and no kissing or closeness. living like flatmates really

I just saw this post and felt inclined to reply. I want my husband. So much. I try to let him know all the time. I kiss him, hold him, squeeze his toosh. And he seems to respond. But when it comes down to us actually having the interest when the kids have gone to bed and there is an opportunity, he almost seems to pretend to sleep or be too exhausted to want to be near me. I seriously am very attracted to my spouse but his interest in me has declined massively the last couple of years. When I ask him he is adamant that he still fancies me and wants me, but I feel like I'm losing him and I don't even know why. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. ✌

Maybe try going on holiday and spending some quality time together as a couple, away from everything and everyone else. My husband works in building construction and has long days that are very physically exhausting. Because of this, intimacy can be difficult. So, we try and help improve the situation by asking my parents to look after our boys while we take a weekend away somewhere. Even if it's a house-swap with friends to keep it cheap! Getting away is so beneficial in so many ways for all number of couples.

Hello everyone, just thought this quiz could be helpful to assess your situation and weight out your options when in a sexless marriage:

relationshipscope.com/sexless-marriage-quiz/

In some cases, divorce is inevitable, but in my experience it depends greatly on the individual situation, and on what you're willing to try (and for how long) before giving up. Sometimes health problems on either or both sides can further exacerbate the issue. Also, the longer you wait before taking action, the lesser the chance of restoring the intimacy.

Finally posts I can relate to! Been together 9 years I’m 7 months pregnant somehow but we have no intimacy and it’s killing me. I am full of guilt we’re bringing a child into a potentially ending relationship and however will I cope financially alone with a child. Who else is ever going to want me? I spend most nights crying and I feel so trapped bcos when I bring it up he is so sad and says he loves me and the baby so much. I wish there was a solution but I’ve tried everything and we have a mortgage 😭😭

What about if you start craving intimacy from someone other than your spouse? :(

You have to ask yourself why you're in a sexless relationship. It reads as though you've been in this relationship for a long time. With my ex, who I was with for 7 years (aged 17 - 24), we would often go a month or two without sex. In the end, we were more friends than lovers, which is when I unfortunately strayed and began speaking to a married man and fell for him, hard. After about a year of friendship and us becoming closer and closer, he told me he loved me and I reciprocated those feelings. We began a non-intimate relationship (as in, I was emotionally cheating) and after about a month or so of this, my ex became suspicious and found messages on my phone. It was at this point that we separated, and it was devastating for the both of us that it ended the way it did, I hurt him terribly and I will never forgive myself for that. He was in a similar relationship, and he left his wife after a few months of the same (he has kids - it was different for him). Four years on, we are in a loving relationship and very happy. That said, I do have major regrets at not ending it with my ex sooner and when I realised we just weren't working out because it wouldn't have been quite so messy!!

My point is - you need out of this relationship before somebody gets seriously hurt.

I fear that this will be me soon. Husband having issues with the medication he is on. To be fair he does want to change things and has changed medication etc. He doesn't come to bed prefers to sleep in sofa. When he can manage it comes to bed to dtd and then next night back in sofa which really pisses me if as its like he's just coming bed to reassure himself be can still do it. But no consideration that I would appreciate just the closeness of him being in bed with me. Im beginning not to bother anymore.

Exactly! I hope I’m strong enough to not react

I know but look how it worked out for you. Did u ever try to discuss the lack of sex? Was that the only reasoning behind straying? I have told him I will leave. I have left before and came back after he begged me for so long. Financially now more than ever I’m not in a position to leave this house with a child and support us or ask him to leave because he couldn’t cope financially or emotionally. Maybe when the baby is older I should suck it up for a while and decide when he’s here. I know something isn’t right with us, my gut tells me. I’m also at my lowest self esteem being pregnant and feeling alone so probably more paranoid than ever. X

Hey, some great posts it’s nice to have somewhere to vent ! Ok so i live my H I know he loves me he is kind helpful always there for me but we very rarely have sex, he opened up about an erectile problem over 1 year ago and saw a doctor but even with medication never initiated any thing ! We won’t out for 2 drinks last night we got home I tried to give him a proper kiss I get a peck, I tell him I want to pay him some attention he tells me he want to watch tv. Sun morning I get to feed animals come back to b d he gets up at 6.45 ! And fucks off downstairs brings me a coffee back up and hovers I think he’s coming to bed and he then says he’s changed his mind and is now sitting on his phone down stairs! It’s so frustrating I don’t know what to do I’m writing this crying it makes me feel like shit. I’m 35 I can’t continue like this, this is the only thing wrong in my life other than that I am so happy. Any men out there who have any answers ?? X

Take it from someone who has been there . It only gets worse and you end up living your life without sex. The lack of sex starts to eat away at other aspects of your marriage even if you don't realise it at the time. I got divorced after many many years of this and have just had a simply amazing affair with a man for the better part of a year . It was the best sex I have ever had and made me realise what I have been missing all these years . Admittedly affair sex is extra hot . It is a lonely life being divorced and that is the price you may pay but the younger you are the more chance you have of meeting someone new who will want to have sex with you . I am older and think it unlikely that I will meet someone now. Once that feeling is gone, it is gone I am afraid . So stay and live like that or move on . I know what I wish I had done all those years ago. I may be lonely at times now but I don't have to live with the loneliness within a marriage.

Am I the only one who read that Floki's wife feels fat and ugly and thinks nobody could fancy her? And yet it's all "poor me" from him.

Floki, you buy her presents because you think it leads to sex. She bought you a present to show someone loved you and all you could think of was "I'd rather have sex". It sounded like a truly lovely gesture to try and make you happy and yet.........

Your wife sounds incredibly depressed.

I’ve not posted here before. But reading about other sexless marriages is strangely reassuring and makes me want to enter the discussion: I’m not alone. In essence I love my wife and am very attracted to her. She’s the woman I think about when I think of sex and I’ve never been unfaithful or even thought about being so in 16 years of marriage. And whilst beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I’m 50, I’m also 6 feet 2, about 80kgs and I swim competitively, which means I’m neither fat nor flabby and I have all my own hair and teeth! But we have sex five or six times a year at most and for nearly all of the last 16 I’ve simply become used to no-weekly rejection. We last kissed properly in 2015. In the last few months I’ve been approached by other women to have a relationship. I’ve resisted because I love my wife and I want to be the man of honour and integrity I would like my children to believe I am. But it’s so hard. She refuses to talk about it, even saying she doesn’t care if lack of sex breaks our marriage. And she doesn’t seem to understand the world of loneliness and low self esteem I inhabit as a consequence. Leaving her would hurt my kids beyond measure and me too, and I think she would do everything to ruin me financially even if I were still in my own. Where do I go? What can I do? Anyone else know what it’s like?

The fact that she says she doesn't care really jumps out there.

It seems maybe that the split is your best option? I can tell you right now there is a life beyond these sorts of dead end relationships. The divorce doesn't have to cripple you and your children may end up seeing you happy, modeling bravery, honesty and living ones own life to the fullest....handling adversity, choosing life, that sort of thing.

For your wife to say she doesn't even care if it breaks the marriage, wow man.

Dear Floki,
I'm not a doctor, but a fellow sufferer. Your spouse is abusing you. Check out resources on Covert and Overt Narcissists, and Toxic Shame (Rich Grannon is particularly good). The weakness you feel is a result of psychological abuse. It's incredibly hard to leave, or act in any way logically when you've been put in this hole. You think it's your fault: it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault (repeat until you believe it ;-). Good luck. Ask me anything you like. PS: It's not your fault.

Not been on here for a fair few months.
It's still the same. Once in 7 months and that was out of pity I think.
I've become numb to it. It's something others do. I think I've even forgotten almost how to.
OH still the same and it's just not worth raising. I do not think she ever thinks about it. It's just something that does not figure on her mindset.
I can be fairly depressive and work gets me down. That's used often against me. I have no enthusiasm whereas oh is always busy with work.
Reassuring (in a sense) to see others posting about same thing. It's quite sad really but life is and can be just that.

First time posting here. Sad to read all these posts but comforting to know I'm not alone in this. Married 24 years teenage children and dh is just not interested. I feel so unwanted and so sad. Been like this now for years and it's gotten worse. I love him so much and have been disabled the last few years which makes me think maybe it's to do with it.
He's very much a prude at his own admission and doesn't even like to talk about sex. He's affectionate when he wants to be but most of the time if I just want a cuddle he doesn't want to. I feel like an inconvenience and a pest. Iv spoken to him about it no end of times and he says he's lost his sex drive but does nothing about it. Iv told him that I can't live like this for the rest of my life.

Last year I had an online affair for about a month. So unlike me but I felt flattered, wanted, and had been friends with this person for a while. I ended it as it wasn't right and I felt so guilty but it was what I needed at the time. Thing is it's where to go from here. I'm angry now and feel like I want to punish him like withholding friendship and not going out with him. (He loves evenings out just me and him)

Male poster. First time poster.

My condolences to all those in thee same position I find myself in.

My OH and I have been married over 20 years, and together nearly half my life.

Our problems started about 10 years ago (god, is it really that long?) She suddenly announced she didn't want me to snog her (french kiss / use tounge) any more, as "it feels like I'm choking".

Now, I consider myself to be a passionate kisser, but choking? But, 'cos I'm her loving husband, I accept it, and from then on, we just kiss on the lips. (I have to say I REALLY miss being able to snog!!)

Things just went downhill from there over several years.

I wasn't allowed to do this, I wasn't allowed to do that - and If I couldn't put my toungue in her mouth - well, you get the picture.

Then we made love less and less. We used to have sex a couple of times a week. Then once, then maybe once a fortnight and the gaps just kept getting longer and longer.

If we had sex four times last year, I'd be amazed, And, as I (eventually) wasn't allowed to even touch her, I ended up just lying there until I was ready to do the deed, and when we did have sex I (to borrow someone elses analogy!) emptied my suitcase before she had a chance to even open hers.

I thought about cheating on her. I even went on a couple of dates, but I'm just not that kind of person.

Other than the sex, we have a great marriage. We support each other, help each other, have two amazing grown up kids, and really enjoy each others company. We go on holiday, cuddle, and kiss (but just on the lips!) - it really is (to paraprase others) like living with my very best friend. I just want to have sex with her!

After reading thorough your messages, I'm determined to change things.

I've told her that, now the kids are using the place more like a hotel than a home, we need to have some "us" time, to "reaquaint" ourselves with each other, and (without putting too fine a point on it)
have some sex

She wasn't overjoyed, but didn't say no. I'm planning on an evening either in an empty house, or in a local hotel this weekend.

I'm not actually expecting any sex. I am hoping that by forcing the situation, and putting us in a position where there are no other distractions, we can, at least, have a discussion.

I don't want to lose her. I don't want a divorce, I don't want to cheat on her, I don't want to lose the fantastic relationship we do have.

Worst case scenario is that nothing changes, but, like I say, I'm determined not too let that happen. I feel that if we let this slip any more, worse things will happen.

Tounge in cheek mode:
I'm sort of surprised no-one has suggested that those of us in this situation get together and see if we can help each other out...

Weekend in a hotel anyone? :)
Tounge in cheek mode off!