how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

Surrey Dad, is your wife menopausal because I have to be honest since the age of about 45 I couldn’t have cared less about sex and now at 56 although married I genuinely just am not that interested. Like your wife I went off kissing and hugs as well but in my case it coincided with other revelations that made me unhappy. You say you went on some dates?? Does your wife know this, because that wouldn’t exactly help matters i would have thought if she did.

I kinda like that a zombie thread has continued for support!
Im in a same sex relationship and have struggled with the lack of intimacy, our situation is different though as it is down to her health and (she says anyway) she wants things to change.

Im currently following a plan from a christian abstinence website on suppliments to suppress libido. We have a wonderful relationship in every other department, but i just cant cope with feeling so rejected and ashamed of my wants any more.

Hi!
Yetmorecrap. Yes I believe she is menopausal. Of course that could be the case. This all started from age @48 so the timing sort of agrees.

Yes, she does know about the dates, and why I went on them. It didn't help when I was found out, but we had a discussion about our sex life at the time, and things sort of improved.

To clarify, I am still "allowed" to kiss (on the lips), hug and cuddle her. Just nothing more sexual than that - even when she has been in the mood, I'm not "allowed" to really touch her - for instance if she is masturbating me, and I touch her breasts, she immediately stops what she is doing, until I stop.

It's been like that for years, and frustrates me beyond belief. The only woman in the world that I should be able to be sexual with treats me like a living vibrator, on the very rare occaisions she actually wants any sexual contact....

Hogwarts - There is NOTHING wrong with your wants or desires - they are perfectly normal, and anyone that tells you different is someone you don't need to be around!

this is awful, poor you! I am in my early 40s and would have sex every day if I could, been with OH for 21 years, not always like this, had a lot less in my 20s - kids, work, tired etc etc but since hitting 40 I feel like i have a new lease of life!

Your wife sounds odd, stopping you touching her breasts whilst she is masturbating you? I find that strange, surely that should turn her on?

I don’t like that either OP, I have no idea why, I’m definitely not odd, all I can say is the menopause certainly whipped my libido out in all ways!! I feel for you, because I also feel for her, it’s hard as a woman to fake it when you aren’t feeling it that way however much you care for someone. I really can’t give you an answer as I’m ‘her’ I wish I could.

Surrey dad

Really sorry to hear about it all. But you're doing something to see if can be solved so here's hoping.
Sex has just been totally shut down for me. OH just wants gifts, gifts I can't afford. Rolex, vuitton, dior and the like. No gifts, no favours in return shall we say.
Can't now imagine what it is like to be actually wanted.

That’s awful floki, hugs

If I can also say OP, regardless of the fact you weren't getting the sex and affection you wanted , going on dates was plain stupid and callous and may well have contributed to a bit of a mental withdrawal for her physically, certainly worked that way for me when my H did something somewhat similar and I found out many years later. It's easy to say , it's happened and she is over that , but the heart and head don't always align like that, however much time has passed and however much you may feel it was warranted. She made simply not feel quite the same emotionally and sexually and depends if you can live with that. It certainly affected me that way

Thanks.
Pretty much reconciled to this being how it is and as OH says if I don't like it I know where door is. Enforced no sex before marriage as well which really fecked me off (unfortunate pun there) and once married it was purely procreation and not recreation.
Feel a bit miffed to be honest but after 21 years, conditioned to it.
I actually think I've forgotten what to do now. It'd almost be like the first time if it were allowed again.
She tells me women just are not interested in it at all and would rather have shoes, stuff etv

Thanks @Surrey, but to clarify she doesnt say that, its just how im left feeling. Like im being selfish, impatient, shallow and unsympathetic. But yet i cant help hating it so i feel ashamed. Enough to try and turn it off! Im yet to decide if im nuts

@Floki yes to feeling like its the first time. I get so nervous and fumbly that i end up holding back on the rarity any sort of contact does happen.

I am so sorry that things have become transactional, i find that quite horrifying

Crikey Floki that's really awful, I may not 'put out' as much as would be liked but neither am I particularly materialistic and I never ever ask for anything present wise and I cook well and genuinely look after him well . I would be telling her to get down T K Max !!

Surreydad, sympathies with your situation, but it is lovely to hear how you're taking positive steps to rekindle things between you. Think it's a very good idea to take the discussion to a more romantic setting but still remaining realistic about your expectations.

Your wife's reaction to being caressed does sound off, though, and sounds like some deeper conversations need to take place about this. I recommend watching the School of Life video on sex which talks about how long term relationships can suffer from losing their eroticism under the sheer weight of proximity and domestic boredom and that we need to view our partners as others see them as sexual beings once again. It sounds like you still have such feelings for your wife, but maybe hers have to be reignited. But I sympathize with your predicament and know how frustrating and soul destroying it can feel to be without regular, satisfying sex.

Good luck on the weekend away!

If your partner has such very little interest in sex, shows no willingness to change things, and essentially just wants you as a housemate, then maybe its time to start acting as a housemate. Move into a separate bedroom if possible. Avert your eyes when they're undressed. Reduce all physical contact to the most perfunctory level. Stop any talk that could be construed as flirting. This is a drastic step only a bit short of separation, but if sexual frustration is causing such problems and nothing is changing it might be a good idea

It's a coping strategy that's working me Scott72, though I know in the longer term it won't work, it at least enables me to keep living with my kids.

Interestingly, it seems more than acceptable to DW too. I think that a flat mate may be all she ever wanted. But who knows.

Always been like that. Not unconditional, always on basis that gifts follow or precede.
It's how women are she tells me but I'm not sure it's necessarily true.
She is menopausal but it's been like this years.

All,
Thanks for your messages.
@yetmorecrap You are absolutely right about the dates. It was stupid, and I regret it, but it's just where my frustration and anger led me at the time. Is she over it? I have no idea. Hopefully I'll find out. I'm sorry you seem to have similar issues. I hope your OH is understanding.

So, the hotel is booked, and whilst she still isn't exactly over the moon about the idea, she is at least, going along with the plan, which gives me a little hope.

My expectations are low, and hopes are high!

@Floki, definitely not true!

Good luck @Surrey!

I don't have sex with my H. Been married 8 years and it was the chemistry that first brought us together. However, due to me feeling very let down in terms of him standing up for me during a very difficult time (mainly caused by him) I have lost all attraction to him, despite him actually being regarded as very good looking. I really don't want to feel like this but I just have no respect for him. I've tried to talk to him about it but get told it was "ages ago" and I should just move on. I don't feel I can, especially when my feelings are not being validated. Such a shame as we have a young child and I really am trying to avoid breaking up the family but I don't feel I can live like this forever. So, for anyone calling the wives or oh's and assuming they have no sex drive, perhaps you may find some answers closer to home. It's very hard to live like this. I'm usually a very loving, affectionate and sexual person.

Fair point blackbeansoup. I suspect there's a lot of truth in what you say, certainly my desire for DW has dropped since she has refused to discuss or seek assistance so I can relate in that respect.

I totally agree black bean soup, with women , if the head isn’t in the right place, and their are underlying issues, libido often is the first thing to go

I think it also goes to show that sexual attraction is not just as simple as "we're married so we're supposed to do it" iyswim. It's also not just as simple as physical looks. IME friendship, loyalty and respect are very important and vital aspects of any relationship and especially when you're talking about spending the rest of your life with someone! I am not going to have sex with someone who won't even stand up for me! Some friend.

There have been threads about women no longer fancying their husbands and no longer wanting sex with them despite the DH apparently having done nothjng wrong , what’s happened there do you think, is it inevitabke in a LTR do you think?

This thread is timely as DH and I have just ended a 2 year drought in a pretty spectacular fashion .

Married 24 years. 4DC. Reasonably healthy sex life with occasional droughts of around a month until youngest DC was born 8 years ago. Although we memorably got back in the saddle only 5 days after his birth then it started dwindling as he was a nightmare feeder and sleeper, coinciding with older DC becoming teens and still being awake when we went to bed ). I also put on 4 stone with DC4, in addition to the 3 I had already been carrying and DH just wasn't into it as much understandably. There was some big 'stuff' I had to deal with too that was outside of our relationship and I was stuck in a long period of deep emotional pain and grief. DH is crap with emotions, had little patience and just wanted me to 'get over it' which made me hate him quite a bit too.

Recently, I have started taking more care of myself, exercising, eating better, my weight is going down and most importantly I feel better about myself which made me feel happier. He started a accompanying me on an evening walk, we started talking, it felt like we were becoming a couple again. DH finds it hard to talk about sex but we've talked a lot in the last week since he instigated it for the first time, I refused initially.

I had been concerned that maybe he was playing away as I couldn't believe he'd gone that long without it which I posted on here about . No evidence for that, just couldn't believe a healthy man wouldn't try to find other options.

Anyway I decided to take the plunge a few nights ago and it's like we never stopped now. It has really taken away the distance between us and I can't wait to see him when he gets home when before I would fantasise about him having an accident and not coming home .

We still slept in the same bed for all that time but would just get in and turn away from each other. Go to bed at different times too.

It has been horrendous although secondary to the other stuff I was going through so didn't affect me quite as much as it could have done.

Hope others in this situation can reach a resolution. Having a sexual relationship again has made me realise what I have been missing and how much simple but amazingly enjoyable things enhance every day life!

That's really great to hear.
From my own perspective, I cannot imagine oh doing anything like. The door is well and truly locked now and I think she is pleased as to it. Did its job on terms of our fantastic kids is what she says. Always too busy with work and tired too.
I've never played away. Wouldn't know how to and cannot imagine how anyone would be interested - am prone to getting very down and self esteem checked out a while ago.
But as I say, great to hear your story.

My wife is an exceptional woman and I’m a good husband. We are a great team, we are foster parents and are very good at what we do. I have my own business aswell that affords me 50-60% of the time at home with our “family” we are very good foster parents and love what we do. Together for 15 years, married for 3 (her choice to delay marriage).

I’m confident, outgoing, very good earner, I’m told I’m funny, I’m no Jonny Depp but I’m not Sloth from the Goonies either, I’m a big guy, well built, not fat, my job involves heavy lifting.

We have a good, stable, loving relationship, however, sex is a chore for my wife, she doesn’t want to do it, I’m a “sex pest” for wanting sex with my beautiful wife, I have always made her orgasms the priority and despite her orgasming 99% of the times we have sex I can’t be arsed with the rejection anymore. It’s been like this for 9-10 years.

Sex has always seemed laborious to her, despite the orgasms, she would often say once in bed after a nice day out or a nice meal, or first thing in the morning, “I suppose you want sex”, even rolling her eyes as she moved over to my side of the bed if I asked if we could have sex and it’s always the same position, missionary, me on top.

Slowly this has eaten away at me and I no longer make any effort to initiate, cos who wants guilt or pity sex. Occasionally we do have sex but she’ll act like it’s a chore and can’t wait for it to be over.

I realise after 15 years together it’s not going to be clothes ripping wild buckaroo riding sex but it should be mutually engaging and passionate.

I’ve just accepted that she doesn’t find me attractive anymore, sure she loves me, but I don’t light her fire.

That’s fine, I provide in other ways, very good earner, very emotionally supportive.

I have accepted my wife doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, I’m bored of asking her for guilt sex, so I just take care of business myself every few days and that’s that!!!