how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

@Doingreat Thank you. I will reply but haven't had sufficient time to myself yet....

Hi, it's amazing to read this thread and discover so many other people in a similar situation to me. I am a 36 year old man, fit, healthy, active, helpful with the kids and around the home. I used to have s great sex life with my wife, but a couple of years ago she just lost interest in sex. She does not want counselling, or to try and revive our sex life, she just wants to live as friends. It has been absolutely devastating for me. It has caused anger, resentment, confusion, and a massive loss of self esteem. I love my kids and don't want to divorce but the thought of the rest of my life with no intimacy is hard to to contemplate. I don't know what to do about it, but hearing about other peoples experiences lets me know I am not alone in this.

I'm in the same situation and really struggling atm. Been married for 4yrs, together for 13yrs, have one child 7 months. We had sex more when we were younger and first got together, but after a while it slowed down. After a few years hubby started to have problems keeping it up, this went on for a long time and was really difficult on me and the relationship. I felt unwanted and unattractive. Talking about it made it worse, so evetually we just started having sex less and less.
Eventually after a few years and a near breakup this problem was resolved, but we never went back to having lots of sex.
Years later we are married with a child but we only have sex once every couple of months at a push. The thing is with us, I love sex. I love the intimacy of it and how it makes me feel like I have no worry in the world. My hubby isn't bothered about sex, meaning if I want it I have to initiate it. This usually doesn't bother me. I've accepted that I've got to be the dominant one. But since having a baby I'm really struggling with not being wanted. I feel really unattractive and worried my hubby feels the same about me. He'd never say no to sex, but the thought of initiating it once again gets me really down. I'm finding myself going to bed angry each night, because yet again I'm not wanted.
Don't know what to do? I drop hints like bomb shells and we talked about this more times than I can remember yet it makes no difference. In the end it's always me that caves.

I feel your pain :(.We've stopped completely now ..I'm 46 and I'm not ready to be celibate..we have two kids and I don't want to leave them. We don't even touch any more, not sure how much more I can take. I've issued so many ultimatums but they always fail in the end. I read books, starting going to the gym 4 times a week, bought a whole new wardrobe and tried to arrange date nights (she wouldn't). I realised that it was better for me to just stop than carry on having it occasionally, that just reminds you of what you're missing and gives you false hope things will improve.

Next week is our Golden wedding Anniversary.

Due to my husband’s ED there has been no intimacy whatsoever or the past 25 years. My husband unilaterally, and without any discussion or thoughts about my feelings decided that my sex life, my great desire for intimacy and any desire I had for a sexually living relationship was over forever.

He made it impossible to talk about it or find another way of enjoying a close living relationship.

To all of you who resign themselves to accepting it please stop and think how you will feel in another 20, 30; sad, sexually unfulfilled rejected and neglected years. Believe me it is a sad lonely existence.

For many reasons I stayed with him, I loved him dearly then.

Resentment grows variously from intense dislike, anger and now indifference. I am sad and regret those lost years. I deserved better.

I was in this situation and often on this forum looking up the many many similar posts. I tried to convince myself that it was okay/normal/bearable because I dreaded the fallout if we split up - and mostly the damage to the kids. Eventually my OH called time on it, and one year on I'm so glad he did. So much better to be single than trying desperately to hold onto something that's clearly dead. Now I have the potential to meet someone new who genuinely fancies me and my bed is blissfully mine alone and no longer a place to dread. I'm sure some people can live with a sexless relationship but I've discovered I can't. Good luck to all of you.

Zofloraqueen27 I'm saddened to hear your story but really greatful you shared it. Thank you for your honesty, it's really put things in perspective for me.

i have written on other pages about my lack of sex, its been 10 years since we last had sex, i still love her but its very frustrating, i do watch porn, i have been with an escort once, i know thats totally frowned upon on mumsnet, but i"ve done it now, eventually the frustration gets so intense you just have to do something, for people not going through it they have no idea whats its like, the nice thing about this forum is that it shows i"m not the only one with this problem and its good to hear how other people cope.

I posted very early in this thread (almost a year ago) and my perspective has changed from what I felt back then. My ExW withheld affection as she said she just didn't want sex anymore...turns out she was having an affair. When someone says that they don't want sex anymore, what they really mean most of the time is they just don't want sex with YOU. Thankfully I'm in a relationship now with someone who is the complete opposite of my ExW and it's restored my soul and self confidence. Ive made it very clear to my partner that it's a deal breaker for me and that I will walk should our relationship start to go the same way. I think if you are upfront and honest about what is and isn't acceptable to you then the other party is forewarned about the consequences of their inaction. Life is too short to suffer the mental anguish of constant rejection.

I am also struggling with this.

Can someone help me think tis through?
In a relationship where one has a high drive and the other low due to medication that can't be stopped, if one partner is saying they don't have a sex drive any more (not masturbating or even thinking about sex) why does that stop them giving pleasure or wanting to fulfil their partner's needs?

I can only assume that they don't care enough about your happiness! This is a question that I ask myself too. I still don't have the answer, but the above is the only conclusion I can come to.

I don't know either, but I suppose it depends a lot on the reason why it is a sexless relationship.

In the case of medication, assuming no other issues, we'll it's a mystery that only they can answer.

Snowdrop's response is my conclusion, but I'm often wrong about stuff!

Floki didn't even get chance to read all.the posts but my heart is breaking for you. sex isnt or shouldn't be a weapon. It's truly an expression of passion and love. To me it's just natural between two people who have those feelings for each other. Could never imagine being in your position. You must feel so unloved. And your wife is dreadful for making you practically beg for it

Thanks both. That's what I concluded too but I was hoping someone would challenge my thinking I guess as it's a devastating conclusion!

I've RTFT and there's such an emotional abyss when sexual intimacy stops. So sad.

My wife went off sex 9th October 2009. It's a date that I'll never forget. Just coz it's the last time we ever had any. I've tried talking to her about it but she said I can sleep with someone else just not a prostitute. We're in separate bedrooms. Twice in 2018 I got into bed with her and she didn't want to know. I play the lotto to get some cash together so I can leave. There's no cash to be able to afford to leave as it stands nor afford to save any. I've considered joining websites for nsa sex life.

I tried this too. But nothing here either. She doesn't want to do anything with me. I put on weight but I've now let it and in better condition than I was previously when we had sex but still nothing. I've only just posted on here but reading these comments more I need to reply and agree more.

My last comment was agreeing with haireverywhere about partner not even wanting to pleasure me even if they don't want any etc.

I'm a 62 yr old lady that has been in a sexless marriage for 36 years. I have 3 grown up children, all were born in the first 6 years of our 40 years together.
My husband just stop have sex or any interest in any thing not long after out third child was born.
I tried to talk to him about it but it was just something I had to endure. I was crushed and still am. We had sex out of the blue one night and just before he came he said that he had a very bad pain in his head. We found out he had A post coital migraine. Well this had diffenately put a stop to anything. After finding that out he stopped searching for help from doctors.
We have been sleeping apart for 5 years now.
I couldn't lie in bed next to a man that couldn't even touch me. I totally get it about his possible migraine but that shouldn't stop him from some kind of intimacy.
I'm in the process of separating.
Our relationship is more complicated then just being sexless. Issues that have never been resolved. Sometimes I'm scared ,at my age , of starting over again on my own.
I may have 20 yes left on this earth. I just want to be happy for the rest of it. I'm very emotional right now. Hard times.
Thanks for taking the time.

If only people could be more honest about their libidos we could date to them and avoid all this trouble. Imagine what a world it would be if the low libido and high libido people could match only with their own kind!

Crikey - I wish I'd seen this thread earlier. A huge relief to discover I'm not the only one in this position. Married 25 years, 4 lovely children, 3 of whom have now gone off into the world, one 15-year old still at home. My wife simply has no physical interest in me at all. Haven't had sex in the last 4 years, though it was only very occasional for quite a few years before that. No intimacy of any note either - almost no cuddles, no hugs. Nothing. We get on okay, just like a couple of people who've known each other for years, but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I've fantasized about affairs, and thought long and hard about separation and divorce. I think, if it wasn't for my youngest child, I'd do that (separate) but I'd just feel so terribly guilty to him.

@Stavros58 no sex for 4 years! I think you need to leave. I known you've got a little one (not so little really), but you've got one life.

I'd guess your wife is really unhappy too and is just biding her time/waiting for an opportunity too.

I’ve had no sex for 7 years now. No affection at all, no hugs or kisses apart from the children. They’re the reason I’ve stayed, but I realise it’s time to think of me.

You only have one life. Sex is vitally important for most and lack of it can make people desperately unhappy. If there is no other solution mismatched couples need to break up. Otherwise a chance for a satisfying fulfilling loving relationship is given up. Which is depressingly tragic

Wow so glad I just spent the last hour reading through this. So many people in the same position as me but I’m not sure whether to be filled with hope or despair!

The last few years my wife and I have had sex literally a handful of times a year. It’s now been six months and there’s absolutely no intimacy at all; no hugging, no kissing and no touching. I thought things might improve as the kids got older (youngest is 11) but I think I’ve just been deluding myself.

Every time I try to talk about it it ends in a massive row. I’ve tried so hard to rekindle things but she’s simply not interested. I don’t want anyone else but her and fancy her as much today as I did when we first met.

Not really expecting any advice here, just wanted to share my story that’s so similar to many others.

Wow, I thought it was just me, I'm going through a divorce now because my ex husband stopped having sex with me when our son was born 7 nearly 8 years ago. He couldn't look at me the same way after he was born and after a couple of years of being tired and worn out mum and getting not help from him, i gave up. You can only take so many rejections before you start to wonder if it's you, you've changed because you had a child. It's wrong and if it's not enough to be in a sexless marriage or relationship then change it.

Now i'm starting again, soon i will be free to start again if I so wish, although it may take me a while the divorce process has been horrendous. For my son's sake who I love with all my heart i wouldn't rush another relationship but to know i could if i wanted to fills me with hope for the future,. I lost a very dear friend last year to cancer and it made me think long and hard about what i wanted, any I didn't want to be in a relationship with no sex, you get one life and sometimes it's short, so make the most of it if your not happy change it.