how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

Well - yes Ropsleybunny - it's called friendship. If both people have no interest in sex then you can have a close intimate friendship. But I would totally disagree that you can have a genuine fullfilling relationship or marriage where only one half does not want sex with the other. And on the contrary Rbunny - I think you would be naive to think so?

We're coping with that. It's been my issue because I'm dealing with memories of childhood sexual abuse. My DH has been really patient, we haven't been fully intimate for 4 years. We are taking baby steps forward now, but it's a slow process.

I certainly don't want to be like this, thankfully I'm with someone who has been prepared to give me space to work through my issues.

It depends why you're not intimate, OP, and whether you're both prepared to live cope with it.

Of course injury or illness or trauma can prevent a fully sexual relationship happening. In those cases I feel desperately sorry for both. I think you can maintain a relationship for a long time without being truly fulfilled - but not without sacrifices - which is true for lots of circumstances and not just intimacy.

Well - yes Ropsleybunny - it's called friendship. If both people have no interest in sex then you can have a close intimate friendship. But I would totally disagree that you can have a genuine fullfilling relationship or marriage where only one half does not want sex with the other. And on the contrary Rbunny - I think you would be naive to think so?

Yes, there are different situations I agree. However, as you grow older many things change and one day you'll perhaps understand how you can have a loved up fulfilling relationship, without sex.

Well - in my dotage I hope to have the companionship of my wonderful DW yes. I think it was Plato who said of ageing that the end of his sexual feelings was 'like a salve that is finally freed from bondage' ! But then many many older people enjoy their sexuality well into their 80s - regardless of frequency or duration - the have that connection and retain the intimacy that only sex compares with.

Me and STBXH were compatible in every way but sexually (for the last 7 or 8 years just didn't fancy each other). We are separating. People change. Sex and intimacy is crucial. I was terrified too about breaking up the family but it became the least awful path and I know even though it's tough that we are on the right path now. I'd suggest Relate (who crystallised the status quo for us) and courage for both of you to be honest about what you want - and don't want.

Yes, well you're lucky if you can continue as long as possible but many can't. That doesn't mean they don't love each other.

There are all sorts of illnesses and accidents that can hinder having sex and there are lots of medications that can get in the way.

As I said, you are very naive.

Dadaist

True. I said recently to someone I still hadn't found what I was looking for in the sense of who and what I am. I'm unhappy in other aspects of life tbh save my fantastic kids.
And downtrodden is not attractive but when you've been like that for best part of 20 years, it's difficult to change. But I take your point in terms of trying to find who you are/who I am.
Bit too late tbh for that I suspect - I'm late 40s and can't see a change.
But thanks for views. Just having some constructive comments (as opposed to DW at times telling me I'm having a pity party for myself) helps.

Floki - late forties is the perfect time to rediscover yourself for the next chapter in your life. Now you can't depend on health without fitness, acquired some wisdom to apply and some freedom to give to others. The only thing stopping you is fear - not your age or disposition. But that cowardice could be what denies you happiness. Someone once said - to act bravely takes moments to achieve -to live in fear can last a lifetime. why not start your own thread tho? Good luck!

Ps - read up on self improvement, growth mindset and men's health- it could start something real for you!

So. We're away at present. DW more relaxed than has been for ages. Great hotel and great place.
First morning DW tells me she's up for it as it were. She tells me not to be cross as we can't do anything about it as kids with us in room. It's not crossed her mind since and if the past is anything to go by, it won't - her being turned on and ready is, DW tells me, sonething that does not happen that frequently.
Since then, no hint of anything. We could nip up to room and leave kids (who are of leaving age) but no. Nothing. Not a sniff as it were and that's despite DW expressing how happy she is.
It's beginning to get to me. Wrong I know but if nothing happens while away, I think it really is time to truly realise that that part of the relationship has gone. DW makes it clear that it's off the table when at home and at work.
Or am I just being unreasonable in thinking it might happen?

So she said she wanted it while in a situation where she knew it couldnt happen. Thats the way its coming across. Have i read that right?

Correct

Parts of this could have been me. I was always the one who didn't want sex. It was especially true after we had DS (I was in my late 30s). Maybe once a month. Often less. DH worked away from home a lot which helped (or didn't).

About two years ago (mid 40s) I went off the pill. I'd been on it since my early 20s. What a revelation. My sex drive came roaring back which was great, except, as a previous poster said, I no longer fancied my DH.

Of course there's more back story but again, to paraphrase a previous poster, you only get the one life and to DH's credit, after 20+ years of marriage, he said neither of us are happy and he is now my STBXH. We remain good friends.

I've dipped my toes into online dating and it is a scary world. But I'm hellbent and determined to have earth shattering sex. Preferably soon. With a good man. Who doesn't need to look like Keanu Reeves. Because I'm certainly not Jennifer Anniston.

This issue ended my 20 yr relationship eventually. i won't go into detail about my story, but I would say - sort this out soon. Talk to your partner but without anger or blaming. Be prepared to hear things that might hurt, but think about it and deal with it pragmatically. You have to talk and listen. Try your best - there are so many things I would have done differently if I knew things would end up the way they did. Don't do the dating/open thing - I did, and that was the beginning of the end in retrospect. It also comes off as a threat. Anger, doing things in retaliation, pressure will make everything worse. Do everything right but decide if you want to walk or not if you can't solve it. "Mating in Captivity" is a great book about this.

Puffin that just sounds like the normal cessation of sex after childbirth.

And the Pill has a lot to answer for in this regard too.

Floki it does sound like a bit of game playing on her part.

rosabug i dont mean to be rude but by the time people have posted here they have usually tried everything ........especially women.

HelenaDove - the lack of interest on my part began years prior to DS's birth - frankly it's amazing he was conceived at all - and continued years after he was born.

I am firmly convinced much of it had to do with hormonal birth control. Although it's possible I'd still not have found STBXH attractive anymore. I am now using the copper IUD and wished I'd have switched over years ago.

Floki your situation is exactly why people have affairs. It's not about the sex in itself otherwise seeing a sex worker would be viable. (If it's your thing) it's about the intimacy and bond.

Without sex there is no bond.

She is being really passive aggressive by showing intent without action.

What will you say to her?

My sex life was dreadful in my marriage. I could never put my finger on it and blamed myself the entire time. Eventually he came out as a transvestite (I had no idea for 24 years!!). We are now divorced!

I would most certainly try and encourage counselling before it's too late.

x

What will I say?
Probably nothing as if raised, it's just likely to cause argument along the lines of me pestering.
DW prefaced her comment as to being up for it with 'don't get cross but...'
I'd love to suggest something along the lines of 'you remember being turned on earlier on the week, well let's head off to the room' but as above, that'll be seen as pestering and the only way that'd work is, I suspect, if I'd done something to make her feel special in wooing (which I doubt I can or could ever do) or bought something.
I make DW sound dreadful I know. She's not, it's just that sex is, as far as I understand her, transactional in sense she controls access and access has to be earned or bought in some way. It's not a given in other words.
I never take control of any situation and am very much one told what to do. It's little surprise I suppose I've ended up this way.

Floki controlling sex and having to earn it is not healthy. If you are a good husband and share 50/50 responsibility then a part of a good marriage or relationship is physical intimacy.

You could ask an open question yes. How would you feel about going back to the room for a while?

At this point though you are expecting another knock back I assume so it's up to you.

Helena dove. Don't agree.

Then you need to read a bit more of this board rosabug.

And your "be prepared to hear things that might hurt" sounds to me like you are telling people to accept a bit of emotional abuse.

There have been many threads about this on this board and in quite a few of the cases on here the withdrawal of affection has been because of a partner withdrawing affection as a form of emotional abuse.
Each situation is different and unique. Its not as simple as telling people to read Mating in Captivity. And you can disagree but many HAVE posted here when they have exhausted all other avenues.

My marriage is almost completely sexless. Been married 2 years. Before we married sex was regular and exciting. I would initiate new things to try and he responded positively. Now, nothing