Floki a few casual things you said about not taking control or wooing your partner chilled me.
Its easy for posters to flock to say "poor you" and things like "if you are a good husband sex is part of the equation".
However I would also say though that you are seeing sex as transactional too, if you describe making her feel desired ("wooing" her) as just a motion to go through for access. It is not a motion!
My partner used to be like this - he wouldnt take control in any area, wet blanket style. It was awful. For me, carrying the entire responsibility of the family for some "whatever, darling, I'll just follow you" weakling was a complete turn off - I dont want to shag a child- and entirely different from how he was before we settled down- which was cheeky dynamic, a doer in life. Someone with his own mind. I remember he used to have opinions and knowledge that blew me away- but he seemed to have sacrificed those in order to make me his mum- to dodge administrative or domestic drudgery- or at least thats how it felt. That in order for me to take on all the housework etc, he'd happily walk two steps behind. Like it was respectful or flattering or something to let me "win" and therefore get on with doing everything?
Bullshit. He just didnt want the responsibility.
Anyway, this was the same when he talked about sex. It was mealy mouthed hinting in a creepy way- when it used to be pushing up against a door. the problem was the hinting was very remote from me- he was "horny,"but not necessarily for me, he didnt look at me or touch me or compliment or want me like he used to- these creepy "sex-time" announcements were made after Id finished putting two kids to bed and cleaning up all the crap after cooking and was settling down to do the car insurance- his horniness was never directed at me, just hinted at "in general". I think I was meant to oblige by lifting my skirts, as it were, and that felt Very transactional. In fact it made me feel like he saw me as an object to ejaculate into. Being that, was yet another chore.
After the "wooing" as you put it (or "attention", as Id put it) from the beginning stopped, I felt so unattractive to him- and so cheated- where was the spine of the man Id met? Was he with me because I was gullible enough to let him coast on me?
somehow he'd positioned himself where I had all the "control" but really I was just a housework performing sex vessel to him who wandered around having a drudgery-free quiet life occasionally hinting that I should also service him. He was My oldest child. But I hadnt set out to control the purse strings and household affairs and bedroom door. Id set out to have a partnership.
Long and short of it- I realised i was beingg manipulated and after years of heartache I gave up and I fucked off.
That fucking off seemed to grow him some balls. I choose to think it wasnt just the growing pile of dishes in the sink and the convenience of being driven everywhere. but being single again he started to remember who he used to be. He read books. He made the bed in the morning. And he remembered how to respect and fancy me again.
He did a spectacular turnaround and now steps up to the household stuff - we share so i have spare time and sleep and not days of resentment- so I have mental headapace for sex. and if he wants sex with me, he directs it to ME. As an individual, not a vessel. And me to Him. As a consequence of havig a fully functional man as a partner again and not a sulky child my libido has gone through the roof. We are sharing and so much better for it. Happy ending!