how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

But what I would say is don't be like the first woman in the sexless marriage and pretend it will all go away/the affairs didn't happen/he has ED etcs Or put on a false front where everyone thinks it's all lovely and sparkly.

It will hurt but be ruthlessly honest with yourself before your self-esteem gets damaged any further.

A size 14 is NOT overweight - I repeat NOT overweight.

Ohh missed that bit.

No it certainly isn't. Now I am worrying about your self-esteem OP>

That there are women posting here is a real revelation. My wife tells me that women just don't want sex and it's just men. I've come to believe that.
On the occasions we do, I'm often made to feel guilty as if it's simply a duty. That I open my presents rather too soon if you get my euphemism hardly helps but when presents are only handed out every blue moon inevitable that excitement will get the better.
I used to think to myself that I stood a chance now and again if we'd had a good night out. Not any more. My wife says that she is way too old now (in her 50s) and that she just doesn't want to. When I do make any kind of move, it's useless and in arguments, I'm told I simply want sex all the time in return for the things I do round the house. In some respects she's right but it is the ultimate validation I suppose.
My wife is very good at times and tells me I'm attractive (I'm really not) and sexy. She buys me things. Actions can and do speak louder than words.

Oh that sounds dreadful. She's talking crap about women and sex.

Maybe she does feel pestered. Still, she's not being truthful to herself or to you. I've never viewed sex as something to earn... Smacks of training someone.

However, having said all that, I know sod all about relationships, so think carefully.

I see so many people in marriages using the 'relationship' to control & manipulate. Maybe I tried to control. Certainly not my intention, ever, but he might have received it that way.

Mind you, calling me an anal psychopath in a discussion about cupboards not long after we met was probably when I should have walked away.

She most certainly is talking a lot of tosh. But I can't help thinking menopause.

The comment as to menopause has some validity but even in early 40s, it was like this but perhaps not as bad.
I think it fair to say that my wife sees sex primarily as procreation as opposed to recreation.
Although I've only posted a handful of times, the responses I've had have been SO supportive and for that, thank you.
And I've been pretty much trained to believe sex is earned which is fairly damaging especially when, on those occasions, I've got her something (Christmas, birthday, anniversary present) and in my own world I think I've done well and she'll show appreciation as it were but then I get nothing.
I remember her saying some years ago that although I'd helped her a lot with something, sex would only be on the agenda if I came up with jewellery. I never did so that was that.
Little wonder I see myself as very messed up and suspect I've a very messed up view of sex. I see it as something of a weapon if honest or a bargaining chip for things that are wanted. It's for other people almost and not me or as my wife has told me in the past, it served its function in creating our (utterly fantastic) kids. It did that it's true but I'm late 40s and think I've still some time to go before sex is just something young people / others and not me do.

Im 44 and my DH is 23 years my senior and is partially disabled. And he had low libido before that. It has been many years in our case (not since the 90s ) Octave i became very overweight. 21 stone and a size 28. I lost 10 stone.

I find that just focusing on my own health and losing weight for me helped.

Also i find reading the dating threads on here helpful. Expectations in this area are so high now Its not something i would want a part of.

helena i want to tell you that i admire you and your depth of character. both in losing all that weight and in making peace with your situation, if i can call it that?

yes expectations are ridiculous which is why i am staying well away from dating. i don't fit into the identikit cookie-cutter mould that appears to be so popular.

41 and fat aint gonna cut it in the dating world - never mind the other stuff which makes me fabulous. it doesn't get a look-in. i'm not afraid to try and have dated, i just don't think i am good enough.

that bothers me a lot.

forwards im not perfect by any stretch. I have some loose skin from the weight loss particularly around the belly area Its not hanging or anything like that. Shaved pubes and anal seem to have become the norm on the dating scene. Fuck that shit No chance. Its also bloody expensive being a woman and i have had to give up leg waxes in favour of a regular haircut. Its more expensive fulfilling the expectations of us as women than it ever was. Dating would x that by 100.

So i doubt it would interest me even if i was single.

Im not perfect though I did have an affair 14 years ago.

With someone who turned out to be tighter than a nats arse. He would break out into a cold sweat over having to buy bog roll or a packet of pasta.

Having been through all that and come out the other side im fairly happy with the way things are. DH is not a bad man. Hes responsible and practical. Just not a touchy feely person.

The affair was pre DHs disability

None of my business and certainly not going to judge.
It sounds as though you followed your heart and your head and DH is the man for you.

I hope you're happy

I am 57 and can't remember the last time my H and I made love. Literally years ago. And yes, it is another big wedge in our relationship which has driven us apart and is a massive part of me telling him I don't want to be with him any more.

For years, all I wanted was for him to desire me, for us to have some fun exploring the physical side of married life. He just wasn't interested. I tried to talk to him about it but all he would say was that we shouldn't want to be 'at it like rabbits',. I couldn't get him to see why physical intimacy for me was inextricably linked with emotional intimacy, respect, and love.

That, added to the fact his has no job, makes little financial contribution to the household and is lazy around the house has combined to make me realise I can't stay in the marriage. He is sucking the life blood from me.

I think, perhaps, if everything else in the relationship was good, mismatched sex drives might be managed and be less of a 'thing'. But for me, the whole thing about love and attraction and sex is all part and parcel of why I would want to be spending my life with someone.

I hope you manage to find a way through this, OP.

Meant to say, we still sleep in the same bed. I used to find it so hard knowing he was so close, and yet so far away. But for years since, I've been repulsed by the thought of sex with him as we'd just gone beyond that point of no return, we do have a spare room but in spite of him saying he was mowing into it, he hasn't moved. He has been decorating the room ( which didn't need it, of all the rooms in the house!) of about five weeks and has yet to move the mattress he bought up there.

So close and yet so far away. So true. Each and every night, after the tv is turned off and the phone (usually Facebook) is put away, my wife just turns over and tells me she's going to sleep. If I voice unhappiness or the like (which I did last night as it's difficult to keep at bay all the time) it's made very clear I'm in the wrong. She's tired, bed is for sleeping in and just go to sleep. And so I do but with everything spinning around in my head.
If I try to tell her all of this it'll just end up in a row as she'll tell me she's not going to just lie back and think of England as it were and it was never any good anyway.
She is successful in what she does and all who know her consider her pretty much wonderful. She acknowledges from time to time she's a useless wife (not sure she is useless but she certainly has faults) but that doesn't then translate into change. Sex is not the only thing I know but it's a fairly important thing. Have some fun with physical side as last poster put it? We never have done - I think she'd just wonder what was going on if I suggested that and tell me to grow up or the like.
Oh well. This is hardly getting the things done in the house that I do (and am often told off for on the basis I'm not asked to do when I say I've done them).

Floki my partner came out of a marriage like yours. When we met, he has had to learn to see sex differently as an essential part of our relationship, as fun, as a time to bond, as an expression of intimacy. It's taken him a good year. He was conditioned to behave just like you.

I could never stay in a relationship without sex, unless celibacy is mutually agreed it's not right.

i had to share a bed with ex for 6 months after we separated. he refused to leave the bedroom - his right i suppose.

all it did was reinforce for me that it was 'his show' and i was part of his 'entourage' - not a person in my own right, hell no.

I fucking hate what he has done to me. I hate that i couldnt get him to see 'me' to hear 'me'

i wouldnt mind but he was and still is nothing special personality, or looks wise. He was punching above his weight, didn't like it and brought me down.

Cant see how ill ever trust any man again - ill always wonder about their intentions, motivations. Ill always wonder if i am good enough.

What a hatchet job. I just have to suck it up.

i was naive, trusting, open, thoughtful, generous with time and heart, i could go on but i feel so wretched.

i dont want to know what he really thought of me. to all intents and purposes it doesnt really matter now.

next step is to make him insignificant in my head and actually believe it.

sorry for the rant. my coping skills are all over the place at the moment

Forwards he is insignificant. He is your past He is not your future.

Im sorry you feel so wretched at the moment. Dont let yourself think that the way he saw you is how you are.

Floki how long have you been married?

HelenaDove
20 years. I should be used to things by now some would say but more and more recently, it's really begun to eat away at me. We get on well most times, I have my faults (mainly wanting approval and wanting a medal syndrome) but I try to be affectionate etc as I can be. More so recently due to change in things.
What I would not give for her to say with genuine abandon that she just wants it and wants it now. But instead, and I accept some elements of menopause, each night is just 'I am so tired'. She tells me periodically I'm a disappointment so shouldn't expect anything.
Every night though. Never a hint of anything.

20 years? So quite a while. Ive only just noticed your jewellery comment. Blimey.

I know several long marriages where there is no sex. Both partners have made a deal- they don't want the upset of divorce, so they accept they are good friends and forget about sex.

It can be done.

I'm talking of couples in their 50s and 60s by the way . Nothing to do with libido, just one partner 'gone off' the other but they have nice homes, kids and don't want to upset all of that. They settle for a good friend as a partner and that's enough for them.

Since our 4 year old was born, we've had sex maybe 6 times. I'm not interested, he's not interested. However, we remain affectionate and hug a lot, and we do love each other. I would like to start having more of a sex life again. From my side, I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore because he's put on a lot of weight but he is finally addressing that now. As for him, he feels very tired after work and the weekends are all about our son. If he initiated sex, I would go along with it, but he rarely does, and I never feel an urge to. I do think sex is very important in a marriage but I wouldn't leave my husband for this reason, and if either of us wanted it more than the other, we wouldn't just stand back and cope with it, but make some action. I guess I'm "lucky" that both of our libidos are equally low.

If couples in 50s or 60s have done a deal then that's presumably a mutual agreement. And good luck to them if that's how they can do it. As I've said before, I've become to know sex as a weapon and if you take it out of the equation, then that perhaps that makes for a quieter life.

I can't help but feeling that such an arrangement is quite sad really.

I've not signed up to any deal as such. It's effectively been imposed on me and yes, I'm well aware if I don't like it I should go.
I'm not sure I could cope with all the disruption etc so just put up with it. It's not good hence me posting on here.

And the jewellery comment: that's how it works for women I've been told. You effectively have to 'buy' sex within a relationship. Even on those occasions I have bought things (prompted or told what to get) I've been told that doesn't then mean sex follows as she's not just an object who can be so bought.
I'm coming to realise through this forum that I am fairly dysfunctional when it comes to sex etc and probably have a fairly immature view of it all. Its a real weapon in relationships is the ingrained view I have.

Regarding the jewelly comment, that isnt how it works for most women i can assure you,
If thats how things are,its disgusting, not only refusing sex, but no respect either for the partner never mind no love,
I know someone who is having an affair, because they dont want to disrupt the family, or lose the lovely home
The partner insists they go everywhere with them, not allowed out on their own for too long, so its snatched moments
Not right in my eyes, it must be like being in prison, i couldnt do it,but like you they put up with it, for an easy life while still having a lover,
This person is a senior so maybe too set in their ways now, having put up with this for over 20 years, met someone late in life, both are willing to carry on like this