how to cope in sexless marriage?

[Jamandcheese]

Does anyone else have a marriage with no sex? If you do, how do you cope without that intimacy?

We have sex probably once or twice a year. Last June being the last time we had sex. Or kissed properly.

Do you just become used to no sex? Are the hugs and sitting on the couch together enough?

As a parenting unit, we've done a good job.
I'm probably a better dad than husband though even then, I have flaws.
My wife can be very much centred on herself and has real drive about things (work) and though we hug and I'm affectionate and buy the occasional flowers and send her cards now and again, I genuinely think sex does not cross her mind. She knows I sort of crave it at times and that's perhaps why I think it is weaponised.
I'd always think now that it was just being done to shut me up for a while - not that I talk about it anywhere near to the extent I have done here. I just wouldn't and couldn't as I hate conflict.
I've never had an affair nor come anywhere close to that. Not sure I'd know what to do now to be honest if someone was genuinely interested in me and attracted to me. I've said before I'm nothing at all to look at all and I've hardly set the world on fire in the bedroom. She's told me in the past in arguments that I was rubbish anyway.

I'm not sure I'd leave for this reason alone. There are other issues - control and always making sure I don't upset people/friends - but even then I doubt at times I could cope with the upset of break up etc. I very much have to toe the line and as she's told me on many a time, if I don't like then I know where the door is. It's just so messed up at times that venting helps.

Having an affair sorted mine out.
Regenerated my marriage, made me nicer, sex now past that ' oh god we really should do it' stage.
I just couldn't carry on with it as it was.

The other option is losing weight, works a treat. Normally one is a result of the other

Floki the jewellry thing is not how it is for most women i can assure you.

Most women like sex just as much as men do.

Most women would much rather have a mutually satisfying sex life with a man who cares enough that the woman actually has an orgasm than a necklace.

A proper connection between two people is much rarer and more priceless than jewellry..

You say you are nothing at all to look at which i bet is complete bollocks. And if she told you you were rubbish anyway that was fucking nasty.

The situation seems to have greatly affected your self esteem and affected the way you view women and sex. That is not a criticism and im not having a go btw. Just an observation from what you have posted.

Dindins losing weight gave me an enormous amount of confidence.

All,
I hope I've not come across in any way as misogynistic. I adore women and would much rather be around them and work with them as I prefer their company to men. I just don't know many of them well enough to say the sort of things I've said on here.
My view of sex is I'm sure totally wrong but I've been conditioned I suspect like that. I need to change mindet but hard to do so.

Was told off again last night anyway : knew she was tired as she was working all day. Didn't bother her as it were on her coming to bed.
Somehow, and fault here is mine, got to tell her that it'd be nice sometimes, instead of the telly and phone, if she told me to put my book/phone down and to just give her a kiss. Told that I was pestering for sex again.
In a sense, was but in others being honest.
Minor row ensued, pointed turning over and the comments of how she comes to bed to relax and sleep. I just felt utterly rubbish as usual.
I know (or read) that men are v different and turn on at flick of switch. Wife tells me women have to be wooed and romanced before thinking about it and it's not just switch on.
What do I know?
I ended up as usual upset and believing that as always I'm in wrong.

I'm not most positive of people but try. My self esteem is shot through and if honest utterly gone. And kind comments though they were, I'm not imo anything to look at : middle aged, balding, grey and though not overweight, hardly ripped either.

Make up sex perhaps? I've more chance I suspect of winning lottery tonight. Perhaps I need to lighten up, accept my lot, do all the jobs I'll do today (cut grass, washing and ironing and supermarket) as I always do.

I just want to be wanted. Now and again would be enough for starters but feels like I'm not even in pecking order let alone being at bottom of it.

Thanks for all comments. They're helpful.

Wife struggles with her weight. She says no one should be attracted to her and want sex with her. I only want it because I'm desperate she says. She doesn't feel sexy herself so that's another reason she says no sex.
Perhaps she's right and I am just a pest and should back off.
I do love her though and it'd be great if, instead of wanting jewellery and buying stuff and clothes, we had a fulfilling sex life. That's what I'd like anyway.
I'm not much of a positive person to and get depressed about life and work. She may be right in then not wanting anything to do with me bedroom wise.
I've never refused her. I've misinterpreted signals in past but I need to be told.

Floki you come across as unhappy and a bit depressed. Not misogynistic.

14 years ago i had an affair. My OM was slightly overweight and not what some would call conventionally good looking. But he was funny and he made me laugh. And we had sexual chemistry. He was 17 years older than me. (ive tended to go for older men) The sexual chemistry was amazing. It ended after 4 and a half years for other reasons.

It is not your looks that is the problem. It isnt.

I experienced a 3 year sexless marriage in my 30s. It was an appalling and embarrassing experience that took me a long time to recover from. It had nothing to do with my looks, I was slim and attractive if I may say so myself. We got on very well in many other ways, so publicly he seemed like a great husband...in some ways that was the worst part. My memory of that time is one of deep shame and confusion.

It also made me realise what an awful lot of men must feel towards the end of their marriages. So much power can be wielded in the bedroom. How many of these marriages in which men leave their families for someone else have some kind of painful backstory going on.

After that I was alone for 13 years...then met a wonderful man (who had suffered 7 years of sexless marriage). Not only are we each others dearest friend, each others intimate companion too. How it should be.

A huge amount of power is wielded in the bedroom and I suspect it's where the vast majority of arguments begin. Should not of course be like that but the ideal world does not exist.
I'm coming /have come to learn that the thing I can crave most at times is the very thing that can upset me and cause arguments. The craving comes and goes like all cravings I guess but it's there in the background. In my case, I'm still learning to control the craving and am better some times than others. Have not been controlling it too well at present hence posting here.

Another sexless marriage here. Discussions about seeing a gp, making an effort, but all that has actually happened are excuses. I've explained how it makes me feel and effects me, and that I can't continue like this but if he doesn't want sex, or see it as a problem there's nothing I can do. It then becomes my problem . He actually bought me under wear for Christmas and I could not believe he could be so totally thoughtless and cruel. I certainly don't want a pity fuck. I'm going to remove what must be the ordeal of having sex with a revolting creature like me from the equation .

I needed to read this thread.

Thanks to all for sharing their thoughts and experiences - especially Helena Dove. 'Most women like sex just as much as men do'. While I know that's true I don't believe it any more. I've had too many years of DW looking at me blankly or trying to persuade me that I'm odd because I want a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with someone who desires me.

I've tried my best to fix this but I have to accept that I can't. She'll never change. She won't seek or accept help. Talking makes no difference. She's made and broken countless promises.

She won't initiate intimacy and she rejects me when I do. No matter how long its been its still too soon. She needs some time. She'll let me know when. And meanwhile my life is passing me by.

I've stayed for my children. They're reaching an age where they don't need me like they used to, but even now the thought of breaking up my family fills me with dread. I worry about the emotional and financial effects and I know that I would never be able to be honest with them about the reasons for the split.

To those that have left their dead marriages and had children - how did it effect them? How old were they? How did you explain your reasons for splitting up?

morkin ........this may well get me flamed and its not the answer for everyone in this situation but have you and your DW ever talked about the possibility of an open marriage?

HelenaDove
I've never raised open marriage with DW. She herself, many years ago, and in an argument I think suggested prostitutes to me if I needed to get it out of my system. Out of system were not exactly the words but the gist. I never did that and wouldn't.
Reading the post from morkin is like my own life - save I've never had promises made. Years ago DW told me, again in argument (we can never talk sex without conflict) that I should realise that was that : sex had done its job of creating our kids (all of whom are great and I could not cope without them) and it would never happen again. I was told to get used to that.
Things changed though and we have had sex since albeit at most 5-6 times a year.
Can't help but keep count but this year I think it's been twice with the last time being earlier this year. It's reserved for such occasions now (or that's how I see it in the world I live in in my head)

My posts outline the way it seems in my life at least sex is transactional and has to be part of going away / a gift / something out of ordinary given. How do others initiate? Through similar ways or does it happen without transaction? I can reach out in the night but if I'm not told that I'm touching as I'm pestering then it's all but platonic. I don't think I could initiate at home and without having done something special at all these days.

How messed up my life can be : DW and I were out over weekend and she bought me something that was very nice and I didn't need. It was to remind me that someone (DW) loved me. It was lovely but I felt like saying that I'd have loved even more her initiating sex earlier in the day. But I didn't say that as I can't be doing with rows.
I spent yesterday helping her with something. I need to forget my transactional view but it's hard to do so.
For what it's worth, you're not alone morkin in what you go through. I've effectively sacrificed myself for my kids. They are great but I just want someone to want me - DW loves me but sex comes down the pecking order if it's in the order at all.

HelenaDove.

I cant imagine how an open relationship could be anything other than a bridge to divorce.

OTOH I suppose thats all my marriage is anyway.

Perhaps we could agree a transitional period where we agree to formalise our current implicit 'housemate parents' status while starting to build new lives for ourselves. That would enable us to start moving on while mitigating impact on DC for a while.

In practice even if DW was ok with the idea then it might be more damaging than a clean break.

This is so messed up. Everything else in the marriage is there. Of course we could improve sone things but most people probably think we have a good and happy life. But I cant go on like this and I cant get traction trying to work this out. Ive tried for years and I need an end to this now.

morkin im sorry if i upset you

Floki The fact that she suggested prostitutes to you is quite telling in itself. But (feel free to say if im wrong) its not the act itself you are missing.......its the intimacy closeness and connection. The sex act itself is a small part of that.

Hi
For me being Ina sexless relationship is a minefield for my mind!
Together 4 years, first two years partner feigned ED, I found out he'd been meeting strangers for oral sex on him. We broke up, then tried again with promises, 2 years on were the same. I'm now the broken one, I feel I shouldn't base our relationship on what we don't have , he is outwardly happy and bouncy, doesn't affect him....... then as I'm so low inside I feel I am the issue with not dealing with this,
I need the intimacy to feel closer , to feel this is more than a friendship , then I worry I am being shallow?
If I was the one holding back I'd hope he'd hold on I guess but I'd expect him to leave me too ,

Helena Dove. You didnt upset me please dont apologise for trying to help. Ive been anxious and down about this for a long time. I came looking for a thread like this to help give me a push and your post in particular gave me what I needed.

Floki and Driftwood Im sorry youre in the same boat as me. What you want is normal and desirable. I think if we've tried to fix things then we've done our bit and its on our partners now not us. Good luck.

Morkin
I think it's a long haul of self discovery and sometimes when we stand up for ourselves it's empowering .
It's a journey too, which is soul destroying as many have pointed out.
It's good for you to see others views as in my case I was worried thinking of bailing out made the bully in our relationship .
Seeing your thoughts are normal and right hopefully will erase any guilty feelings you may have. It's true we only have one life, one chance, this isn't a rehearsal . Xx

Morkin Good luck with whatever you decide

I was in a sexless relationship....none for the last three years. I always was upset because as happy as I was day to day, on the whole, it remained in the back of my mind. My partner was a session musician and I used to think, what if we sell our houses and move in and create this amazing scene with a studio and what not....but never any sex....one day some hot hunky guitar player is going to turn my head and then I will have to tear down all we made. So I could never settle.

What happened in the end is I got a new job and my boss was hot....and I had a crush on him ...spent one entire weekend fantasising about sex with him....and broke up with my partner on the Monday. It was dead. He let it die. His refusal. He didn't even look at me if I walked past him naked. I'm too young for that.

Th other thing is, coming out of that...I was really worried about sex with a new man. Luckily whom I did it with was lovely and I can't believe the two got turned off for so long, but was soooo very capable of being turned right back on.

Good luck to all. It's not you, it's them.

...the tap got turned off, that should say.

Kind comments from those posting recently. I've come to view nothing will now ever change though and this is my lot. Too afraid to walk out (and not sure want to or could). I envy others who may be 'normal' but just got to get to grips with fact that though married, sex life as it were, is something other people have.

Floki - I think you come across as something of a downtrodden and accepting DH - and I think that could be part of what is killing intimacy for your DW. Not to put too fine a point on it - you are not giving off sexy vibes by being totally available and without any sense of doubt that you are just going to hang around -- clinging on invites a desire to repel! You might need some degree of separation- because it may be your DW has just stopped seeing you as another person first? Sooo - I think you should take yourself off on a journey of discovery and find out what you want from your life and your marriage. Focus on your own self improvement- get fit, read for knowledge, involve yourself in a charitable cause - define yourself more clearly. And find the self confidence to talk with your DW about your relationship - you're life in the friend-zone and your options.

And this...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tSs2dXDf1Zs

Some of the posts on here are extremely naive. Of course you can have a close loving relationship without sex, many people do.