DH has gone missing

[HeadWrecked26]

Name changed for this as I don't want this attached to my usual name.

Long story short DH (and his friend) has gone missing and I have no idea what to do!

He went out to friends on Sunday evening around 6. He called at 9ish said he was staying out but would be home approx 10am Monday morning.
All fine as he didn't have work etc etc.
I had a message from his friend st around 2pm Monday saying that DHs phone has died and that DH is really sorry he is late but he'll be home by tea time.
Since then no one has seen or heard from DH or his friend.
I've checked the police custody suite, hospitals, as many friends that I can think of and been round to friends house but obviously no one was there.
I'm worried sick, I can't sleep, can't eat and my anxiety is only letting me think the worst has happened.

I know this is about ranty, sorry for that! I just needed to talk about how scared I am. Can anyone think of a logical explanation to where they could have got to? I need abit of hope that he's okay!

OP this is one of the worst ways he could have betrayed you as it has come so much out of the blue, and on the back of you feeling 'extra love' towards him because you have been worried sick for four days. For me, that lack of care towards your feelings is what you need to hang on to when you are feeling weak.

He did not tell you "I'm so sorry, I have fallen for someone else", he let you worry yourself fucking stupid for four days before 'finding out'. For this alone he is the lowest of the low.

All I can reiterate (if it gives you any strength at all) is that there will come a time when the enormity of what he has done and what he has lost will suddenly land on him like a blow to the stomach. He will NEVER really be able to forgive himself for abandoning his wife and child, and no matter how full, and seemingly happy, a life he goes on to lead, he will always know that deep down, he is capable of complete and utter cuntness and is therefore, a cunt.

And he has to live with that.

And when your lovely DD is older, there will be no 'version' of events that he can spin to make himself look anything other than unspeakably selfish in her eyes. And that will be his punishment.

It's going to be tough, but you'll get through this.

Give yourself time. Focus on yourself and cherish your little one right now. So many MNetters out there will be there for you to turn to when you feel you can't but you can believe it you can.

You are about as far from pathetic as anyone can get. You have had one of the worst weeks you will ever have and from today your life is totally different.
That's daunting, it's scary, you have questions, you feel robbed of the life you'd planned- you're allowed to feel sad but do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing brilliantly

I can't help but wonder if his enabling friend has a wife and, if so, does she know what kind of lying he's capable of to prop up a cheating husband?

I know it's none of your responsibility, but if I were feeling as raw as you must be, I'd be screaming from the rooftops about what a pair of shits they are.

OP, I have no wise words of wisdom but after seeing you refer to yourself as pathetic, I had to post to say you most definitely are not! I've followed this thread for the last day or 2 and cannot believe what you've been through. The one word that immediately springs to mind to describe you throughout all of this is STRONG .... Pathetic is so far from the truth. Be kind to yourself and your little one. It's early days but you are definitely better off without your "D"H.

His 'Friend' is single according OP posts.

You are hurt, in shock,angry and a hundred other emotions but one thing you are not is pathetic. You were beside yourself with worry about someone who has shown himself to be unbelievably selfish and callous. As PPs suggest, cups of tea, eat when you can, and take care of yourself and your little one. Hugs to you lovely, xx

head you will cope. It will ve hard and raw but you will.

It isn't fair you have had something truly horrid done to you for no reason and through no fault of your own.

Do not for one second let him blame you for one tiny bit of this and don't blame yourself because he turned out to be as a pp said a total cockthistle.

Not fair. Not your fault.

But it has happened.

You have found out exactly who he is.
But you have also found out who you are. In the face of the most enormous strain you have been true to yourself and have conducted yourself with great grace.

Let yourself cry when you need to.
Be kind to yourself.
Let others support you and take zero shit from him.

As thinkpinkstink says, he isn't really worth talking to anymore than you have to. I'd suggest by email if you need to sort things out.

What is there to talk about? He's an arse. There's no doubt and no room for mitigation. All he can say that is useful is sorry and that isn't enough. Anything else will be for his benefit not yours.

One small thing, tiny comfort is that you haven't be left playing the pick me dance or waiting for him to choose. There is no coming back.

It's unfair. But at least the end was quick and everything from here is moving forwards and recovering even when it doesn't feel that way.

Wishing you strength.

Just want to say I'm so sorry how things have turned out, he really doesn't deserve you and your baby. Wishing you strength & the best of luck for your future. He is truly beyond contempt.

I think his stuff... All of his stuff... Has vanished. You left it for him to pick up but oh no it's gone missing. Might be in a skip somewhere but who knows. That's a shame. Never mind.

Don't do anything to make this easy for him. Make it easy for you. He is not the man for you. Somebody else is. One day - when you get yourself back - someone else will be for you.

Life can be a total wank splash but it's a bad period of time, not a bad life.

Good luck

It is overwhelming and I am sad for you and your dd and that your husband did this to you. [flowrs]

Headwrecked, you can cope with it. You are a lot stronger than you know. You have already coped with several days brilliantly. Baby steps. I know it is a cliche, but divide and conquer will help manage parts and pieces one at a time. Make lists and give yourself big check marks as you do things. Focus on your darling baby and make time for pampering yourself. Those are primary priorities. Not everything needs to be done at once or everyday.

I agree that communication with him is going to be more painful than helpful at this point. Do consider the suggestion to use email.

If it were me I'd tell him to keep his story to himself. It's probably all bullshit anyway. You know the truth and don't need to hear him try to justify his despicable action.

Just concentrate on yourself and your beautiful DC. Look to the future not the past.

You can do this, you know. You are stronger than you believe.

What an absolute shit!

Sending you love and strength OP

If you want it to be, the worst is already over.
You've learned about a side of your husband that you didn't know about, and would probably have never married him had you known. On the plus side, you have your child.

You've coped this far, so you can cope. If you feel that anything more would be too much, then take other poster's advice and don't let him in your head any more. He might tell you the truth about who he really is, but then again he may not and you'll never know what to believe. All you know for 100% sure is that he put you through hell this week.

So, block him out of your thoughts and don't listen if he tries to speak to you. (However, he seems to be a coward so he probably won't want to face you and will send that lying friend to say it for him).

You can do this though, and the proof is that you've already done it. Just be kind to yourself now. In time, you'll be glad you got your freedom back last night.

What an absolute dick, I almost can't believe this (not in a troll type way, I'm just aghast an adult can behave like that!)
He's an utter fool and an awful person go do this to the two people he should love and respect most in the world. You are so much better than him

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What a lousy specimen he is.

He has no backbone.

Headwrecked, I am sure I speak for every civilised person in the world when I say that I hope your STBXH's cock rots off, and that you win the lottery the day after the divorce is finalised.

You have been a model of care and compassion through this whole thread, and it's no wonder you're feeling like you can't cope with a situation that nobody should be expected to try to cope with.

Very soon, you will find that your feelings of despair are overtaken by a searing white-hot rage and a frightening level of calmness. This will energise you and help you get through the next few months. Until that rage arrives, it would be more than appropriate to bed in with your lovely little boy, movies and snacks, doors deadlocked and ideally all your OH's possessions lying in the rain on the street.

We will all be here for you as you go through the process.

How are you feeling tonight OP?

You are very far from pathetic OP, what an utter utter bastard.

Rarely lost for words but this is truly one of the worst things I've ever heard and I am at a loss of what to say except. Mumsnetters will support you through this and that I am so sorry you have had to go through this it's so very very cruel

Fucking hell, what a bastarding cunt!

You're not pathetic OP, he has put you through the wringer. I cannot get my head around how he could treat you like this! I'm utterly gobsmacked.

Do you have support? Friends and family? His crappy palpatations etc are probably as result of mega guilt over what he has done, fucking idiot!

What an idiot he is.

I hope you've made his family members aware of what he did - putting you through this with a baby to look after.

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

Be strong OP! For u and DS. What an arsehole for what he has put u through. Don't waste any more time on him x

Hope your ok OP! Thinking of you. Things will get better for you! When one door shuts another one opens. For you your heading for bigger and better things. He on the other hand with have the door kick him up the arse and he will be forever the person that did this. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life!