Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

Does your Sister know any of this?

"I can't LTB even though you've all said it. Like all of you saying it makes all the emotional, logistical and financial stuff just vanish."

Of course it's easier said than done. But I posted a list of suggestions to start overcoming the emotional and practical barriers to leaving (yesterday at 8.23). Others have also made suggestions on this thread (and no doubt past threads too). Have you done any of the things that I and/or others suggested? Could you pick one thing on the list and do it (or do the first step towards it) in the next day or so?

If you keep repeating the reasons you can't leave without doing anything about any of it, they do begin to feel like excuses rather than reasons.

I don't doubt that you can't leave today. But you can leave this year. And if you don't do anything about your situation, it won't be surprising if people start to think that you're staying because you won't leave, not because you can't.

I'm very shocked that you apparently have no access to any money. That's financial abuse, plain and simple.

I'm so sorry - it all sounds very draining and upsetting.

I know you think that if only your DH would change then it would all fall into place, but thinking about you, rather than him. Have you had counselling for the abuse you suffered as a child? Would you consider that or be able/allowed to do it? Would you go back if you've already had some?

this is a good place to start

The trouble with being abused is that it really fucks up your boundaries.
Weirdly, nothing subsequent ever seems that bad. At least that what's I found.

And I really have to guard against my tendency to want to rescue damaged people, because actually it's not loving or healthy or normal.

I had to have lots of therapy to help me unpick that mentality.

You don't have to leave him. You do have choices, but maybe you need some help to make the right ones.

Cat, you have a good job. The kind of job where your salary is paid into a bank account in your name or at least a joint account.

What do you mean that you "don't have a bank account" ?

I've never posted on mumsnet before but felt I had to because I'm horrified by what I'm reading (from the OP and the control she's under). Isn't there new laws out now to help women in exactly this situation? Whilst I know she won't, she should consider going to the police.. There's adverts on TV about exactly the type of control he's exerting and there's already been court cases and succesful outcomes.. The line about not having a debit/credit card sent shivers down my spine.. So much so I think I'm going to have trouble sleeping...

Cat, I was going to say what AnyFucker said about your job. How did it come to be that you, the main breadwinner, do not have access to the money you earn?

I agree with the others that you need a plan, one which extracts you from the situation as safely as possible. But I don't know what it will take for you to be in a place to formulate one, sadly. When I was in a similar "fixing" relationship, I found this passage really helpful www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/126500-letting-go-those-not-recovery.html

Until you get your head around the fact that he is a grown adult who has no motivation at the moment to change his behaviour and that you are just not that powerful, your life will continue to get smaller and smaller. And so will your son's.

You're better than this and you and your son deserve a life of freedom from this control. Speaking of freedom, I know people speak highly of www.freedomprogramme.co.uk which you can do online.

The solution to your problem rests within you, not him. You can do this, cat.

Oh cat, this gets more disturbing. And to hear you say you have name changed for other posts makes me realise that we don't know the half of it. Is this how you envisage the next forty years of your life?

Yeah not sure how much I believe that to be honest. Not when you've posted about forking out hundreds to your parents, paying their gym, petrol money and rent when they're skint.

Sorry.

Oh blimey.

The bank account is in his name

My salalry is paid into it

I have access to it as I use internet banking and mostly have possesion of the cash card. I deal with all the finances but the account is in his name. He doesn't withold access to money and there's no financial abuse, I just don't have a bank account due to past credit history issues although I could get one. This isn't an issue. But right now I don't have the several thousand pounds I would need to rent a house and move and set up. DH wouldn't leave (though obviously if I left he would have to as he wouldn't be able to afford to stay here)

Elspeth

Cat could do all those things if her DH agreed. If you disbelieve her, you can report.

X post with op

Helpful, Elspeth.
Cat, please listen to the others, and find some love and respect for yourself. Neither of you are happy in this relationship.

Catgirl

If you could get a bank account, then get one. It will be a start on your crisis plan. Then you can look into overdrafts etc over time.

Is your place rented or owned?
He could be made to leave.

Oh FFS. I was just pointing out that there is no way she doesn't have access to money as she was implying.

She has a big monthly salary coming in, has posted many times about being at Board level etc.

Money is not stopping her getting out and it annoys me that she was implying that and you were all believing it. It's really not fair on posters who are trying to help who suddenly think there's financial abuse and react accordingly.

Cat, at the moment you only have access to your money whilst he allows it, though.

Why do you have such a poor credit rating and he doesn't? You're the one earning lots! Maybe the first thing on your plan is to work out if your rating is still bad and what you can do to repair it.

If you have a poor credit history the Cooperative Bank have a very good basic bank account which you could get. It does all the basics, it is a visa debit card and you can set up direct debits and standing orders.

I know you have access to all the money but wouldn't it be great to have your own account? Just a small achievable step.

I agree the OP needs to open her own bank account and get her salary paid her into it.

However, I suspect it's a matter of won't, not can't.

And the idea that she would report to the police or kick him out...! She is nowhere near ready to do that.

even with a poor credit history you can get a basic account at most banks nowadays.

How long ago did you have a poor credit history? I was in debt management and had CCJs etc, after seven years my credit rating was clean. I now have a mortgage and several credit cards.

I'll open my own bank account, but this genuinely isn't an issue. I do have access to my money.

Someone asked if I had a credit card - I don't. I wasn't implying financial abuse. Simply pointed out that LTB is logistically more difficult than just saying it. Opening my own account is one more thing on a long list of stuff I would need to do even if I was ready to leave him. It's not a big one but someone asked.

I earn good money but have very high outgoings at the moment. Rent, childcare, supporting my parents, tuition fees (there's no tuition fee loan for a 2nd degree so that's £9k a year), bills, food etc.

Money is not the thing stopping me by a long chalk, but right now I don't have a few thousand pounds spare which would be what was needed to move out. I could have it in a couple of months, I could open a bank account, I could get a credit card.

None of these things are difficult, but leaving someone is not simply a question of walking out of the door and I think it's easy to say LTB but even if you want to emotionally (which I don't) the logistics exist and when you're exhausted and ground down they can seem overwhelming taken as a whole.

The money side really, really isn't the issue.

My cedit history should be sorted in about 18 months as it's all historic and will drop off after 6 years. It's not too terrible, just a couple of small CCJs and some defaults. I am sure I could get a bank account but DH has a bett credit history (largely down to not really having much on credit at all as not worked for a long time) so he could get a better account than me in terms of overdraft etc, which is why we just use his at the moment.

Why are you supporting your parents?
Who is doing the degree - your husband??
Does he do any paid work at all?