Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

DH is doing the degree. And he works 2 days a week, Which is a big step from a few years ago when he did nothing

DPs are pensioners, went bankrupt some time ago and are struggling to cope (they have no financial skills at all hence the bankruptcy.) They do a lot with DS and are very helpful like that, I help them with monthly money, occasional small loans, gym membership so they have something to get them out of the house etc

catgirl You sound like an intelligent woman. I appreciate that to LTB is not as easy as some people think on here BUT if you manage to use money to help your DP's, aswell as other things, could you open a bank account, and start moving a little money across each month? Even if it's just for a rainy day?

Do you just have one cash card between you, which is in his name?

Appreciate that money isn't the only issue but, as you say, there are lots of things to think about so if you can break them down a little then it could feel less overwhelming. If you open a bank account and get a credit card and end up staying, no harm has been done, it just gives you options.

I hope one day you will be able to walk away with your son. That you choose happiness.

Don't believe it has no effect on your son. Please don't kid yourself. Your H does nor have to beat him up to cause harm. Given the level he has psychologically damaged you (or you would be long gone) he has started on your son, planting tiny seeds of doubt and insecurity.

Getting your own bank account is easy. Seeing the situation for what it is, very hard.
I'd also be surprised if he hasn't cheated on you.
You can't fix him, you've tried long enough.
Have you had therapy on your own? Relate is out of the question because they quicky saw this relationship cannot be fixed. But you can get help to find out why you are so loyal to someone who treats you badly.

Are your parents claiming all the benefits they're entitled to? State Pension, Pension Credit, Housing Benefit, etc? If they claim the benefits they're entitled to, you shouldn't have to subsidise them so much.

Tbh given that you have been financially supporting your husband and your parents, as well as putting up with his abuse, my guess is that you feel responsible for everyone else and have a deeply ingrained habit of putting yourself (and, by extension, your son) last. It might be a good idea to discuss that in counselling if you ever get it.

Something which may help about money - I have a terrible credit history (really, laughably bad) but still have a basic bank account.

You can get ne very easily. Several high street banks do them (Barclays or TSB are a good place to start). It takes ten minutes to apply online - honestly - and I'm really not a paragon of organisation or time management myself. It's one small thing you could do for yourself. They tale about 5 working days to set up.

I know you say you don't want to move out now but you can get somewhere without having lots of money. It's not expensive private rental or nothing. It may not be what you would prefer but there are options available.

Finally, I'm very concerned to read that on top of everything else you are doing, you're bailing your parents out and managing things for your parents as well. I'm not having a go but that's completely unfair and itsounds beyond exhausting on top of everything else you are doing. No wonder you can barely think straight.

Would you consider getting some counselling for yourself? I know some of the (better) employers offer this to their staff, I don;t know if that's an option for you.

This situation is just is not right, not at all, and far too much for one person to cope with.

Please excuse typos - not had my coffee yet! Hopefully you get the gist.

Cat honey just pointing this out and I'm sure you know it but the tuition fees - doesn't need to be your problem...

I think for me, looking in, the first thing you should do is set up a bank account in your name and get your salary paid into it. That's all. Take it from there and see how it goes down?

That's a good idea RJ. It really doesn't take long - when I say it takes 5 working days to set up, I think that's actually when you're switching accounts.

I think when you apply online and don't have to switch from another bank they open the account for you there and then - so all you would have to do is give your employer the new account details.

Oh my goodness everybody walks all over you don't they? And your parents - the people who were supposed to teach you independence- leech off you as well. It's partly down to them that you're in this pathetic situation now.

You should not be paying for his degree - that is ridiculous. Why can't he get a loan?

It is ridiculous but it's also not a stretch to see how someone who is a controlling bully could make her life very difficult if she didn't agree to fund his latest hobby.

I'll open an account today

My parents have the most dysfunctional relationship ever and it's no stretch for me to see how they have shaped things.

I remember when my mum would leave, my dad would drive me to which ever friends house she had gone to and make me knock on the door and say "Please can my mummy come home". Dad would threaten to kill himself if things were going badly and I'd be the one he would call saying "You have to help me sort your mum out. I;m in the garage with the engine running or whatever, (he was never going to go through with it, just total manipulation) so yes I can see that they have created a need for me to fix everything.

I could start a whole new thread about them :)

DH cannot get a fee loan as he has done a degree before. (Didn't finish but yo uonly get 4 years fee loan fuding in a life time)

But I will go on-line now and open an account. It won't change anything but I suppose it's a small and easy step in taking some control over my own life.

👍🏻

Baby steps towards finding yourself.

Good news about the bank account :)

As RJ says, baby steps - I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed with stuff, I'm terrible for letting things get on top of me. I'm better than I used to be but it's a an ongoing project. Anyway enough about me.

Your parents sound completely irresponsible and immature. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that as a child - it sounds like it was drilled into you to be responsible for and care for everyone at a very young age and these patterns are really hard to break as an adult.

Anyway, good luck with the bank account. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!

Oh, you poor thing. (No, not sarcast-icon). I really feel for that little girl who had to do those things.

Get angry. For her sake. Get very angry indeed. Anger is better than fear or doubt.

And then get angry and momma tiger -just like we all are - for your DS. Imagine how fucked up they'll make him if they have the chance. Them and your [D]H.

Opening an account is great. It gives you a measure of control and some much needed privacy. Sometimes it's the tiniest step that leads to change.

This may sound ridiculous but for me it was retuning my radio. Every radio in the house was tuned to Talk radio. I hated it. One day in the kitchen I retuned my radio to Classic fm. Such a tiny thing. But it was the beginning of huge changes.

Well done.

I realise it will take a fuckton of therapy for you to entangle the codependent need to rescue everyone but you do understand that you will be teaching your son to be exactly the same? Either a codependent enabler who gets surrounded with useless, abusive twats or he will become the useless abusive twat himself.

Once you have your own bank account off the top of my head there are a number of things I think you could consider:

Withdraw small amounts of cash each week from his account and deposit it in your own. Cash-back on purchases at a supermarket if you need the transactions to be invisible.

Approach your employer and negotiate an annual "season-ticket loan" for a lump-sum to become accessible. Hell, if you're a valued employee they might consider giving you a loan without strings as long as it's repaid before the end of this tax year.

Directors of small (unlisted) companies can take out loans and they don't have to be declared unless they're still outstanding at the end of the tax year. The 6th of April 2017 is a long time away. A lot depends on whether the company accounts are audited independently or not.

There are probably a number of other options which I haven't thought of yet.

Even if you don't decide to leave there's plenty right with you having funds which he doesn't see or have control over.

Basic bank account applied for. They'll write to me within 5 days and then I just have to take my ID into the branch :) Feels like a tiny step, but a step

The loan is not a bad idea, but I can save a decent amout over the next few months if I put my mind to it. Maybe just having the safety net will feel good even if I don't use it. Plus it would be good to have some savings again (we did until recently with one thing and another)

That's brilliant news Cat. Small steps turn into bigger steps .

Well done cat

Why can't the OP just put her own salary into her own bank account?

Why does the OP need a loan anyway? Seems like a bad idea given her bad credit history and her habit of giving her money away paying for everyone else.

Don't take any more loans out, cat. They tie you. Not the major tie, obviously but nevertheless they complicate matters.

Don't add any more reasons not to take action when you are ready.

Dont worry I wont be taking out any loans, I just appreciated the suggestion from a poster trying to help

As I say I can save up a nice safety net over the next few months

Our finances as a couple are one sided in that I earn the vast majority of it and the account we use happens to be in his name but DH has never withheld my money from me or checked what I spend etc.