Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

[TheseLittleEarthquakes]

Lots of love to you x

[thestamp]

Cat girl... one thing before you go.

Just remember as long as you stay with him, you're fucking your son's life up more and more. You are literally guaranteeing his future misery.

Stay if you must, if that's more comfortable for you. But understand that your son is the one who will pay the price for your comfort.
And the price is excruciating. He will suffer deeply.

Hard but true.

[AnyFucker]

No, it doesn't Cat.

You say it "gets through" every time but here you are dealing with another string of his abusive bow. He will carry in inventing ways to make you dance to his tune as long as you let him.

[catgirl1976]

I don't think I've ever felt so miserable in my whole life.

[thestamp]

Oh darling. I know. I've so been there.

I can only offer you my hand to hold because I so, so, so know what you're feeling.

[pinkyredrose]

If he doesn't trust you after 18yrs he's never going to.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If you are not ready to leave, have you considered taking a different approach in the meantime?

Obviously these issues are all in his head. They are not based in reality. This current craziness is the ideal time to change your behaviour because he has gone so completely ridiculously OTT.

I mean, if a person genuinely thinks their spouse has been unfaithful repeatedly, they file for divorce. Any other behaviour from him means he knows at some level that he is being delusional.

This would be the right time to say that his recent outbursts show how abnormal his behaviour is. They show that many years of you bowing to his unreasonable requests has made thing worse not better. He needs to get help for his issues. The stalker apps on your phone will be switched off, you won't be driving home unnecessarily, you will go out with friends, etc. These are all normal behaviours on your part. You will stop the abnormal behaviour.

Can you even imagine doing that?

[catgirl1976]

Thank you stamp

[catgirl1976]

Maybe rabbit. Its not like what I do currently is working

[AnyFucker]

Cat, the longer you stay the more miserable you will get

It will get worse than this.

When your son gets a bit older and you realise the kind of relationship you have both been modelling for him.

Your misery will know no bounds then.

[thestamp]

Cat I'm worried because in another thread of yours you say he smashed the house up twice. Once in front of DS. I'm worried about you changing your behaviour instead of leaving... because I'm worried he's actually going to hurt you.

Paranoia is very dangerous. He's not in his right mind and is already very abusive. Those two things together make me fear for you. I wonder if you shouldn't ring women's aid. Just for their advice.

[catgirl1976]

I love my son, :(

[thestamp]

I know you love him.

You're going to find the strength to do what you need to do. You've been so strong, coping with all this. Soon you'll use that strength to make the changes you need to make - for your son.

[catgirl1976]

I hope so. It's been going on so long I think Im institutionalised or something

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

What do you want your future to be? What would you like your life to be like in 5 years time?

[catgirl1976]

Just happy. Not walking on egg shells

[thestamp]

You have been institutionalised. You've been living with someone who's lost touch with reality. DS needs to get out ASAP because he's going to grow up in a literal mad house. He needs the chance to be normal and to see healthy relationships and healthy self care. Not shame, fear, guilt and sadness.

[MsMims]

I haven't seen your previous threads cat but does it help to hear you and your DS deserve better than this? You can be happy, feel safe and stop having to defend yourself from false accusations.

[MorrisZapp]

Is this the guy who smokes weed every day?

[AnyFucker]

What support do you have in RL ?

[MorrisZapp]

Sorry that sounded a bit blunt. I was just trying to remember your previous posts.

He won't change.

He will get worse.

You can't make it be OK.

Every time you accommodate his abuse he will pick on something else, like an emotionally sadistic game of Whackamole.

[something2say]

What scares you about ending it?

[thestamp]

I'm going to tell you a little about me and my DS who is nearly 4.

Before we left:
DS slept poorly. Would jump when you called his name. When his dad came in, he would often start tidying his toys or putting things away. He would cry and cling to me a lot when we were alone.

I would often tiptoe around the house to reduce noise. I'd spend weekends indoors because I felt low and sad. Never made plans because DH would sulk or be obstructive, wanted me to stay home as much as possible. DS often stuck indoors and sad. I shouted a lot because I was depressed, low and walking on eggshells... which basically meant DS also walked on eggshells. Would often turn down invitations because DH would sulk and make any gathering awkward by deciding I had "disrespected" him or that I was flirting.

I'd often have to cut DS activities short because I had to rush home to meet DH/cook his dinner/etc to avoid sulking or a foul mood. DS would cry and cry and I would just shush him because I was so used to feeling I HAD to do exactly as DH said.

I was a shit mum. I was shouty, sad, impatient, exhausted, lonely, isolated.

Now we are out and I can't tell you how wonderful it is.

We have ice cream for supper. We watch stupid movies, loud. We sing loudly and stamp around. We go out at all hours (within reason!) for silly adventures. We spend ALL DAY with friends. We come home exhausted and happy and we sleep well all night.

I go out. I've revived and created so many friendships. I date. I spend time with men who actually like me (who knew such men existed???).

I walk around the house naked, eat my dinner from my lap while watching crap TV, have five friends texting at once, Skype people, I just do whatever I want. There's no-one to shout at me or make me feel shit.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

There's life outside the walls you're living within. It will get better. But you have to be very brave at first.

[DetestableHerytike]

Stamp, so pleased you are free.

[SolomanDaisy]

I remember your old posts too. You've been trying to deny his real nature for very long time. Does he still not work?