Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

[SmashingTurnips]

You are his meal ticket.

That's why he keeps these outrageous tabs and controls on you. He doesn't want his meal ticket to be able to think and do things for herself. He can't take the risk that you might leave.

Sorry to be harsh but I really think that is what you are to this hideous man. You are a means to an end. You aren't a person to him you are a thing that allows him to not work, not parent, not do basic life and home tasks and not do anything he doesn't fancy or feel arsed to do.

Please be careful, men like this can be violent when they think that maybe the woman they are using, abusing, controlling and exploiting is thinking about leaving (maybe this is why you don't contemplate leaving - because you know what he is capable of).

I think your only chance is to flee to a refuge. He has worn you down too much for anything else IMO. You need to be out of his clutches in order to be able to think about leaving and you need to leave in order to be out of his clutches. This is why leaving feels so impossible just now (hence you coming up with pretexts such as finances despite you being the breadwinner). Only once you are away from him will you be able to find the resources to leave him. That's what refuges are for my love.

Good luck. You and your son need you. Your husband does not - he just likes having a meal ticket. You are not a meal ticket, you are not a thing. You are a person, and a much much better one than the parasite you have on your back right now.

[happygoluckylady]

How are you doing catgirl1976?

[catgirl1976]

I'm good, thank you Happy

DH has calmed down and everythings back to "normal"

Still waiting for my forms from the bank x

[tipsytrifle]

It seems unlikely that you'll ever receive those bank forms if he's the one at home when the post comes. The man is a thief of life, an abuser and very dangerous. Your parents aren't much better. Your slavish addiction to them all is both astounding and terrifying.

[adora1]

So you earn the money but they bank account is in his name - that sounds abusive unless I have read wrongly.

No idea why you are putting up with this crap.

[catgirl1976]

There's no financial abuse adora1 - honestly. I have full access to my money it's just in account in his name as he didn't have credit issues and could get a better bank account

He doesn't open the post Tipsy - I do all the household and financial admin so I will get them. They said 5 days so they'll be here by the end of the week

[adora1]

Ok he's a cocklodger then, he lives off your money.

We'll just forget that he's mentally and physically abusive towards you.

[AnyFucker]

He's calmed down because you do as you are told, Cat

You keep appeasing him.

Until the next time, and on it goes.

[happygoluckylady]

Sweetie, you've posted about him so many times over the years. His appalling brutal behaviour to you and your DS, his violence, sponging, laziness - none of that will change. It's in your hands.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

This may seem really harsh Catgirl but do please read about the poor little girl, Ellie, who was killed by her father Ben Butler. I thought of this case with regard to you because his partner, Jennie Gray is the extreme version of what has happened to you.

She is a woman who was so convinced of her own lack of worth that the best thing in her life were not her children but her abusive husband. She did everything she could to please and appease him, even when he abused her, even when he killed their child. Her unspeakable cruelty extended to the youngest child. She set up a a small vulnerable child to be the one to "find" her daughter's dead body, all to cover up for her murdering and abusive husband.

I am not saying this is your situation, obviously it is not, nor am I saying this will happen in your life, but it is an extreme case of a woman so enmeshed in her abuse she that became complicit in the abuse of the children she was supposed to protect.

Please think about what it is that makes you feel you are worth so little that this man, to whom you give everything, whom you are willing to appease in the most appalling ways, is the best you deserve, and the best your child deserves. Please think about what it is that makes you unwilling to break away, and to be an active agent in your own abuse.

[MorrisZapp]

Oh dear. My first thought on reading that horrific story was this thread too. Sorry cat girl, I'm not comparing you to a criminal. Just want all women and kids to be safe.

[MsPavlichenko]

No financial abuse. So you can spend what you want when you want on whatever you choose? Like a weekend away for you and your DS, or a train trip or a visit to a zoo/farm for just the two of you.

[catgirl1976]

A weekend away, no because DH would want to come.

A day trip to a zoo or farm just me and DS, yes - we frequently do

If I thought for one moment DH would ever harm DS I would be out of here in a flash. He wouldn't. He adores him. He could never harm a hair on his head. He is endlessly patient with him. They giggle, they laugh, he did most of the child care when he was a baby and toddler.

He is a good father, just not a good husband.

We never argue in front of DS (not since the 2 occassions when he was very small and I made it crystal clear to DH I would leave if it happened again). And my capacity for seeming outwardly sunny and bright is endless. My friends and colleagues literally wouldn't believe the stuff that goes on - or believe I would put up with it.

I am safe I promise. But DS certainly is. I would never, ever put him at risk. Not for a moment

(And I know none of you are saying I would, other than thinking that emotionally he will be affected but he doesn't see it. We are always happy and loving in front of him even when things are bad).

[catgirl1976]

And right now there is peace in our time........

I do know I appease him though. And that it can't carry on. But I can only sort this in small steps.

[AnyFucker]

No, you just don't get it Cat

You can't "sort" it. You've been trying to "sort" it for years. You need to leave.

[catgirl1976]

Sometimes AF I entertain the vague idea of sending DH to wifeswap style and letting you sort him out. Somehow I think you would. :) Either that or he'd be running for the hills after 3 hours. But I think he'd come back a changed man.

[MsPavlichenko]

You can't be a bad husband and a good father. You can love your DS absolutely and still be a bad parent.

Someone who smashes up the house is not a good parent (whether or DC see it). Someone who doesn't let his DS go away with the other parent is not a good Dad.

Your sin is in danger. At the very least of turning out just like his Dad, an abuser. He is being abused by him, and it will be affecting him regardless of you pretending otherwise. I say this with no relish. I've been there. You need to get out.

[AnyFucker]

No, Cat. Lightheartedness aside I don't think he is a man it is possible to change.

I would not tackle him. I would run for the hills myself. I would save myself.

[happygoluckylady]

So he was violent in front of DS on two occasions? What happened after the first time? Did you say you'd leave if there was a next time? I'm genuinely not trying to be nasty but feel concern for you.

[NameChange30]

"Sometimes AF I entertain the vague idea of sending DH to wifeswap style and letting you sort him out. Somehow I think you would. smile Either that or he'd be running for the hills after 3 hours. But I think he'd come back a changed man."

OP, your stubborn naivety in the face of so much evidence and wise advice to the contrary would almost be funny if it wasn't so fucking depressing.

As much as most of us respect AnyFucker, neither she nor anyone can change your abusive shit of a husband.

[DetestableHerytike]

"He is a good father, just not a good husband."

You don't have to stay married to a man who is not a good husband. Even if you love him, even if the financials are tough - you know he's not a good husband, you can stop this.

[shadowfax07]

Cat, just because you don't argue in front of your DS, doesn't mean that he doesn't know that something is wrong between the pair of you.

My parents finally got divorced when I was seven, they"d been separated for a while before, and I clearly remember being woken up (and unsettled) by their arguments. My mother had a nervous breakdown when she found out about my father's affair, and his financial abuse.

Doesn't your DS deserve to grow up in a house without underlying tension that he doesn't understand? Please, for his sake, start planning your escape.

[adora1]

He's a good dad - is he good when he's abusing you in front of your son, you really are deluded, you can try your best to paint a happy family picture but only you believe it's real.

Sorry but I am getting really fed up listening to your defence of an absolutely horrible person.

Not once have you intimated to anyone on here that you are actually going to try and change your life, you actually sound happy with him, I just wonder why you posted and have been for years about him.