Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

I don't but I honestly dont think DS sees it. This is cyclical and short lived when it does erupt and we ar very careful not to fight or argue or snap or cold shoulder each other in front of DS

I appreciate as he gets older he will pick up on more but honestly I think he thinks the world is safe and happy and secure and that mummy and daddy are fun and happy

Once or twice (literally) in 18 years. Detestable and not seriously and not recently.

Oh

You deserve better, cat.

What scares you about leaving?

Dh wouldn't allow it.

You're an adult, he's not your parent, he doesn't own you.

Why is him cheating a deal breaker, which could be a one off event yet years of abuse and and misery is not?

You don't need to physically hurt someone to damage them. Your son will not thank you for staying in an abusive relationship. If you stay, you are doing it for you - not your son.

I get that you have your 'deal breakers' but at one point would one of them not have been him every being violent or the fact he has to literally know where you are every second?

I am saying this as someone who has promised myself multiple times 'if he does this I will leave' and then he did whatever it was and I stayed. But then you look back and see just how many reasons there are for you to leave once you stop focusing on the perceived reasons to stay.

Sorry that probably doesn't make sense. But I get how you are thinking but please look at the reasons that are already piling up for why you shouldn't stay in this relationship.

One day he WILL do something that will make you leave. In fact he has already done MANY things that should cause you to leave. Thing is, he has stripped you down so much and literally eroded who you are so that each time he does something terrible you make an excuse, blame yourself/situation/circumstance etc paper over the crack and carry on.

You are still in papering over the cracks mode. That is not your fault if is his, he has done that to you, and he has done it for a purpose, to keep you subdued, submissive and to keep you in line. For want of a relevant example you talked earlier about having time with your son and said you DH would never let you stay away because he would assume your leaving. Firstly he should not command this sort of fear that you cower to the fact 'he would never allow it'!!! Secondly the reason why he fears this so much is because as soon as you are away from him and away from his control God forbid you may see the bright shining light that is freedom for you and your son to live a life of your own free will and choices. That is what he fears, you discovering your freedom and wanting to leave, it is not, NOT because he loves you so much he can't bear to be without you, it's because if your not there with him he cannot control you. It's is also damn right that he should assume that you are leaving, and you know why?? Because you should, and he knows it too!! Most normal partners do not fear their partner going away, why? Because they treat their partners well, with love and respect them and so trust and believe they will come back. He knows exactly how terribly he treats you, how he suffocates you, he is terrified that if you go away you will realise this too and not come back.

I hope you wake up someday, someday soon. Xx

You sound so very stuck. And your line in the sand is if he hit your son.

So effectively you're saying you'll leave him and are waiting until your son gets hurt, to justify it? That's fucked up thinking.

Why exactly did relate refuse to deal with you both? How did his controlling behaviour become clear to the counsellor?

Catgirl have you thought about what might happen when DS goes to school and starts talking about his home life?

What's your H going to do when DS gets a bit older, isn't so biddable and starts answering back, being stroppy and acting like kids do?

Your son has already been hurt by growing up in this environment. I know you think you have protected him, and I have no doubt that you have done so to the extent possible. But I guarantee that he is absorbing everything that goes on in your house. I hope this doesn't sound overly dramatic to you. It mean it in a completely matter-of-fact way.

I think you have become conditioned to your husband's behaviour, and you are accustomed to altering your own behaviour to accommodate his paranoid jealousy. But nothing you do will ever be enough. He will continue to demand more control and with each step you will lose more of yourself. In part I think you are just exhausted from years of working long hours in a demanding job, then coping with all the household chores and childcare. The abusive behaviour from your husband further wears you down. How you haven't broken down completely is a testament to your strength. Harness that strength to make positive changes, rather than just to keep limping forward in this hollow existence.

There comes a time when you have to see the bigger picture. This is no life for you and your son. I guess you are about 40 years old? (My keen powers of deduction at work, based on your username! ) Do you want to keep this up for another 30 years or more?

You and your H have already hurt your child. All you can do now is minimize further damage by getting out of the relationship.

It's a tossup, DS's long term happiness in life, vs. your short term avoidance of pain.

I had to make the choice too. I hope you make the right one.

cat, when you say dh "wouldn't allow you" to book accommodation, why not? Don't you have a credit card? Does he have one?

Jealous men are usually playing away. If you feel you could leave him if he were unfaithful, just start looking. I'd put money on you finding a string of sleazy infidelities. How often do you check his phone?

If he can track you on Find a Friend, that means you can track him on it too, (without him ever knowing you've done it). It is automatically switched on as a two-way thing, he will have had to approve you tracking his phone to enable tracking yours. You could look at where he is at any time you like and he would never know you were looking

You are deluding yourself when you say that DS isn't affected by the abuse.

You are deluding yourself when you say your husband being violent to you is not "serious". "Only" once or twice in 18 years is once or twice too many.

It's so sad that you are waiting for him to physically hurt your son before you will leave. By that point the damage will have been done.

Even if your husband cheated on you, how the hell would you ever find out? He doesn't report to you in the same way that you report to him. You don't control his every move. I bet you don't have access to his phone, emails or Facebook.

I feel so sorry for your son.

"we ar very careful not to fight or argue or snap or cold shoulder each other in front of DS"

What about the time he smashed up the house in front of your son? The son that he apparently "adores"

Exactly AnotherEmma, DCs know.

Did OP come on here for advice? I can't tell. Seems she is ignoring any bit of advice given ... what a sorry situation

There's no doubt about it, this little boy has already experienced a huge amount of psychological damage. Watching his mother being abused daily. Seeing his father smash up the house (although that's only happened once of twice, so that's ok). Knowing that it's a woman's job to work themselves to the point of nervous exhaustion while the man pleases himself. Absorbing the message that this is how relationships work and what family life is like. That's he mustn't make Dad angry and that everything must be arranged around Dad and his moods.

However his father hasn't hit him (yet) so it's ok. Except when it does happen (and it will), excuses will be found.

Hey cat

I've just seen this

Things aren't getting any better then?

I won't say leave because I know you don't want to hear that yet but try this- maybe at work -

Write down what your ideal life would be like. Just think about what it is you actually want from life. That's all. I think you've lost sight of you and what matters to you and who you are.

You're a bloody strong amazing resourceful woman. If I've got this right I've always thought we are the same age so a big birthday this year - time to reflect on what we have achieved in life so far and what we want now.

💐

You need to leave him as this is never going to get better, it's only going to get worse and I'm afraid of what he might do to you one day. Please protect yourself physically and emotionally and leave.

Following on from RunRabbit's post, what would he do, if you turned the tables on him - implying that you don't trust him (he's had a flirtation/s as well), insisting on knowing where he is and what he's doing all the time? How do you think he would react if he was given a taste of his own medicine and you tracked him and challenged him about where he had been?

The OP does not come on here for advice on how to leave her relationship. She comes on here (imo) for insight in how to "fix" him. If only he were fixed then everything would be hunky dory.

As MN often says to us, do not offer more than you can afford to give.

I get that you love him, but he DOES NOT love you. This is not how you treat someone you love.

cat What would your DH do if you booked a couple of days away with DS and just told him you were going? Seriously, it's not up to him to 'allow' it. You're an adult and you're the breadwinner.

It is interesting to me that one of your deal-breakers is the physical harm of your child. I wonder what that would look like. A slap, a punch, a kick? Something irreversible?

With this one sentence you are damned Cat. Damned because if you can't see or understand how fucked up things are that this is even a consideration then I don't know what will convince you. I've been on MN a long time and contributed to a number of your threads.

As an aside. Physical abuse heals. Mental and emotional abuse (because, please stop kidding yourself that your son is not being abused. He is, and you are essentially complicit in that) ruins people's lives forever.

Please. LTFB