Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

I don't think you love him. I don't think you're lying or anything, I think you have Stockholm syndrome.

I had a boyfriend in my 20's like that. By the end (the jealousy and paranoia and gaslighting just spiralled and spiralled and got worse and worse) I wasn't allowed to speak to men, go up to the bar in a bar, go out with friends, wear makeup, I had to dress in a certain way, wasn't allowed to drive when we were in the car together (even if it was my car!), wear heels because it would make me taller than him, I had to recount word-for-word any conversations I had with male colleagues, got accused of flirting and cheating all the time. It was exhausting and so, so awful. I ended up moving to Budapest (of all places) with work, just to get away from him.

You don't need to go to Budapest to leave!

Actually, Budapest sounds pretty good

I think I will either carry on and it will get better or there will be a final straw some day

He acts completely fine in front of DS as I made it clear on the occasion some years ago when he didn't that that would be a deal breaker. Which it would be.

You think what he does is because he loves you. I'm sorry to say it isn't. I think that's why you're staying, because you think he loves you so much and that's why he gets jealous.

Love is giving and kind. He's accusing you of being something you aren't. He's taking the joy out of your life.

Your ds is watching and learning all of this behaviour so that he'll either be you or his dad when he's older. Either way, he isn't likely to find the joy of love either if this all carries on around him.

x post.

Completely fine....or a watered down version? Are you not on guard all the time?

Why do you think it will get better?

catgirl1976, I've posted on your threads before and we have exchanged pms under a previous name of mine (can't remember which one). I said then that I wished we knew each other irl because I think you sound like a switched on, funny and kind person and right up my street friend-wise. I still think that. I just wish you were a better friend to yourself.

Read your old posts and your sent pms. Don't need to read the replies, because (in the nicest possible way) they don't seem to get you anywhere. But read your own posts. Read what he has done over the years. Your husband is not a nice man - you have shown us all that and all written in your own words.

I was at the Stone Roses gig last night and Public Enemy were the support. Flavor Flav left us with a message - you are the best friend you'll ever have.

Be that best friend to yourself now.

Staying because you love him, when really the answer should be 'I'm leaving because I love my son more'

Your poor DS

Did you ever think being tracked on a phone and having to produce evidence of your whereabouts wouldn't be a deal breaker? Your boundaries keep moving as he pushes further. He doesn't give a toss what your spoken deal breakers are. And your kid will be old enough to pick up on the misery of your daily life soon anyway.

At best, your son is learning that his ideal partner is someone who is beaten down, afraid, drained and emotionally spent. Who thinks of themselves as weak and powerless. Who will put their own need to avoid pain ahead of the needs of any children in the family.

At worst, he's learning that in order to be loved, he needs to abuse and terrorize. And he's learning how to abuse and terrorize, too. After all, H has already smashed the house up in front of DS.

You're spitting DS' face by staying in this relationship OP. I beg you to consider the consequences of not ending things.

You are fooling yourself if you think your son is shielded from your fucked up relationship. You are certainly not fooling him though. You know it, deep down, but at the moment you still love your husband more than you want to protect your son.

Did you ever think you would be the sort of woman who puts a man before her child ? What do you think when you see other women doing it ?

Cat I hardly ever post in Relationships because there are so many wise women on here that I feel that I don't have much to add. But I remember reading threads of yours from years ago and thinking what an amazingly strong woman you sound and just wishing you could find the strength to get you and your DS away from this waste of space. Please please listen to the posters who have managed to get away. That could be you and your DS. You are worth so much more than this and so is your son.

Cat

Do you ever track him and ask his every move as he does? Perhaps it would do him good to see how bloody annoying it is although I'm sure you don't have time to do tha. It's just not normal behaviour to be on someone's back like that.

Very often those who are this jealous are actually the ones up to no good themselves. They just project that onto their partners.

I hardly ever post in relationships either but like many others remember you and your previous posts.

I think the saddest thing I've read is that you think there is still a possibility things will get better.

You must know they won't. No matter how nice you are or how compliant you are, you can't make him a better man. It never works.

Please, please look after yourself. Things won't change. They will only get worse.

Why isn't the way he treats you a deal breaker? Whether he does it in front of DS or not.

You sound like someone I know IRL whose dh tracks her every move and if she dare come for a coffee etc. he accidentally massively coincidentally just turns up to say "hi"

People are so polite irl, they would never say that its obvious the dd's are fucked up by all of this, that he is a total creepy wanker and its pretty unpleasant to be around both of them. No-one would say this in rl because, well, they just don't.

MN is the closest to the truth you are going to get. Please listen.

You have almost completely normalised a really disturbing level of control and scrutiny of your life. You can't win this battle, look at everything you've done to appease/help him so far and it's not enough, nothing will ever be enough.

in fairness to him you have cheated on him and then met up with an old flame.

You clearly don't want to be with him and he doesn't sound great so why are you still bothering.

I had a DP exactly like this years ago and I stayed for 6 years and that was 6 years too long.
He will not change, EVER.

This is your life now, sorry to be so blunt but you need to leave or accept it. He will always be this way.

OddSocks

Not helpful. OP snogged someone nine years ago, told her partner and they stayed together and went on to get married. If he wasn't happy, he could have finished it. This doesn't justify him tracking her iphone and scaring her if she goes offline.

I haven't read your other threads but there's enough in this thread to make it crystal clear that he's abusive.

Lots of PPs telling you to LTB which isn't helpful by itself if you don't feel ready to do so. They are right; you need to leave him, but there are several steps you need to take before you will feel ready, and even if you don't leave, there are some things you can do to make life more bearable:

1. Get counselling for yourself. Forget Relate (they were right not to see you as a couple).

1. Educate yourself about control and abuse. This will help you to recognise and understand his behaviour, and realise it's him, not you. Read this article and the abuser profiles. If you haven't yet read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, read it.

1. Get support from family and/or friends. He might not like you spending time or energy on these relationships, but you must. For your own sanity you must insist on seeing and speaking to other people.

1. Call Women's Aid. They can help you to end the relationship if that's what you decide, but they can also support you in the meantime.

"In order make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook."

He doesn't feel "better and more secure" though, does he?! He's still a paranoid, controlling arsehole.

How would he react if you put a passcode on your phone and changed your online passwords (email, Facebook etc) so he didn't have access to any of it?

You need privacy and healthy boundaries. I think you could start by revoking his access to your phone, email and Facebook, but I'm wary about suggesting you do that in case he reacts violently.

Has he ever been physically aggressive, for example by hitting walls or breaking objects?

She also chatted online and went for coffee with an old flame. If a man was posting this......

But not right to scare her of course.

OddSocks

Is this an attempt at sick humour, Oddsocks? Read the effing thread. She is married to an abusive arse.

The comment you made about him watching and saying you were smiling when you were on your iPhone. I had the exact same comment from my XH. He was also a controlling twat. I left him, my eldest DC (then 11) asked me I'd ever go back to him, I said 'no' he said 'good, coz I'd run away'.
Three years after I left I met my now DH, the DCs laptop was playing up so he took a look at it. It had a keylogger put in, must have been there for years.

You might love him, or he might have made you love him through his 'concern'. That is no way to live for you or your DS.