Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

[smilingeyes11]

You can't change an abuser - the only acceptable level of abuse is zero. Why do you think this shite is all you deserve? He is vile and you should have listened to Relate ages ago. Call WA and get yourself and your son as far away from him as possible.

[Believeitornot]

What does your ds think of his dad?

What are you staying for? What's the worse that will happen if you leave?

My mum stayed with a man who treated her like shit. In the end she put him and herself before her children because she just couldn't face up to the truth.

I think she told herself the lie over and over that being with him was the better option as she couldn't be alone etc etc. She stayed for the children.

No thanks mum. I wish I could tell her that she was wrong in making that decision.

[catgirl1976]

He''s at uni now. He's never smoked weed every day (not since uni anyway)

Stamp that sounds wonderful - I am really happy for you that just sounds amazing x

[AnyFucker]

You could have that too, Cat

[queenoftheknight]

I used to be like your DH.

I was possessive and controlling and lived in a state of terror that whichever boyfriend I was with at the time was cheating. It destroyed all my relationships.

I never took drugs though, which would have made the paranoia worse I imagine.

I knew it was me. My issue.

I got myself therapy. I now know why I am the way I am. I know what my triggers are. It has taken a long time. My relationships with everyone in my life are unrecognisably improved. I have removed a lot of people from my life too, for related and complex reasons.

There is a lot of love and trust in my life these days. I am happier than I have ever been.

To say that people with these problems can't get better and only get worse is wrong, and rather cruel.

However. Only the person with the issues can do anything about it.

That's it really. People who want to "save" people have their own issues.

[adora1]

Do it for your son, you will have to live with the guilt later on in life for showing him this example of a dysfunctional relationship, which he will accept as the norm.

Apart from anything else, you know nothing will change and he won't go, he needs you as his punch bag so do it and tell him you will perhaps consider a reconciliation if he can change his personality (highly unlikely).

And yes we are banging our heads.

[SandyY2K]

Tell him there is nothing he doesn't know and that you've been faithful, but his constant paranoia will eventually be too much for you and you'll be forced to consider the future of your marriage.

There is a fine line between between his behaviour and insane jealousy and control.

You did give him a reason not to trust and maybe he's doubtful of whether or not it was just a snog. Many husbands don't like contact with the Ex ... so that's not suprising in isolation.

It's much too easy for people to say leave.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

It's much too easy for people to say leave

If you read all of the OPs previous threads about her DP, it's impossible to say stay.

[hellsbellsmelons]

when it's good it's great
How often is it good?
So if I offered you a cup of runny shit would you drink it?
Then I offered you a cup of tea with only 10% runny shit in it, would you drink it????

Even relate would not see you together due to his controlling ways.
And they can be slow to spot things so I must be really obvious!
You won't find anyone recommending you stay with an abuser.
That way madness lies!!!

You KNOW what you need to do.
But only YOU can do it!

[BirdintheWings]

Catgirl, I haven't seen you post recently, I haven't Advanced Searched your posts, but I can still remember what a useless waste of space your bloke was from a thread years back.

Please stop trying so hard.

Please dump him.

[LuckyBitches]

One thing life has taught me is that you can you trust someone who doesn't trust you. OP - my ex was similar to your DH, always convinced I was shagging other people. I wasn't - he was projecting, and judging me by his own low standards (yes he shagged other people).

Perhaps this isn't the case for you. But regardless, it sounds like you're in a really difficult place, and I don't see what you can do but leave. He's treating you horribly, whatever that's rooted in. You deserve his support in revealing what you did, not accusations. The low cut top thing I find chilling too. He is controlling you, and you deserve much better. xxxx

[LuckyBitches]

Meant to say 'can't trust someone'!

[iremembericod]

What stops you from leaving cat?

Can you articulate it?

There is nothing that is insurmountable because we live in a country that does support you to be able to leave, but the things in your head are making you think it is not possible. It is more than likely that he has put these things in your head ("you wouldn't survive on your own" type of thing) but they are not real. You can overcome this and get out.

Stamp is not the only one who has that experience once leaving. I was sitting with my dc's waaaay past their bedtime last night, no tv on, no one else here, just sitting at the kitchen table talking freely, laughing, relaxed, being ourselves. I appreciate every moment of that because I too know that I used to put DH's moods before everything, including my dc. I feel shame when I think about that now but at the time it was just survival.

The other side is so much better. Try and work out what you think is stopping you, because I guarantee you it is not real and is a totally false belief you are experiencing.

[DotForShort]

Oh, cat. I posted on some of your earlier threads (under a different username). Your threads have stayed with me, and I really was hopeful you had already left your husband.

If I recall correctly, you are the breadwinner and he was technically a SAHD but couldn't be counted on for much. What does he contribute these days, either financially or practically (housework, cooking, childcare)? Does he work in addition to attending university? And if not, why not?

But even leaving aside these aspects of your relationship, the emotional control he is exerting sounds intolerable. He does sound abusive. What is he adding to your life, other than stress and grief?

You seem like such an intelligent, accomplished woman. You and your son could have a relaxed, happy life without this constant misery. I know it is easy for everyone else to say LTB, but I really hope you will reach the point where you say enough is enough.

[SandyY2K]

If you read all of the OPs previous threads about her DP, it's impossible to say stay.

I didn't realise he was a constant pain in the rear.

[PlatoTheGreat]

The fact that Relaye refused to do some counselling with both if you us a huge huge red flag.

Seeing that you have been tried to'solve' this situation fur a while, I would advise you to get done counselling for yourself.
In the mean time, just ignore his comments or answer back to them as neutrally as possible, bordering on the 'boring'.
The more you react, the more he will continue and he will get ammunitionscto get to you.

[catgirl1976]

I can't leave him because I love him, he loves DS and I don't want to prove him right

I'm off work today. DH is at work (he works 2 days a week now whilst he's studying - which is a big improvement from where things were)

I took a bus to the next town, about 2 miles away. It has better shops than our town and I needed a few things I couldn't get here.

DH rang me and said he'd meet me for lunch. He must have been tracking me to know I was in the next town. When he arrived he was quizzing me about why I had come to the different town and saying "but you could get xx in xx town couldn't you?"

Then when I was on the bus home my phone ran out of charge and I was nearly having a full blown panic attack thinking "this is going to show as location unavaliable to him - he;s going to think I've switched it off so he can't track me because I'm up to something"

I've got home and laid out both my bus tickets and my receipts to show where I was at different times and prove where I had been and the timings. And then I had a flash of what I was doing and how insane it was. I doubt I can make him see it though.

[MorrisZapp]

Prove him right? In what way?

[adora1]

Yes it is insane, it's drama after drama, it's your life OP nobody can make decisions for you but I am guessing by your user name you are still quite young and have a whole life ahead to meet a nice sweet man who will give you everything you need, it's like you're never going to be a real and whole person for as long as you stay with him but hey, it's your choice!

[Kitsa]

Dandelions it's really, really not as simple as that, and your hatred of drugs is your perspective but not relevant or helpful to the OP's situation.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to make him see it is insane. He is insane. You only need to stop doing insane stuff yourself.

[pinkyredrose]

So what if you love him? Doesn't mean he's good for you does it? Don't you love your son more?

[MorrisZapp]

No, it doesn't matter if he thinks it's insane or not. You are in charge of you, and your thoughts and actions. You know it's insane.

What happens when you fail to account for your time?

[ChopsticksandChilliCrab]

I've got home and laid out both my bus tickets and my receipts to show where I was at different times and prove where I had been and the timings. And then I had a flash of what I was doing and how insane it was.

This is so sad catgirl and no way to live. You already know how bad it is in your heart of hearts. Wishing you strength to start to plan to get away from this abusive controlling man.