Can't cope with DHs paranoia. Long but Im at my wits end

[catgirl1976]

DH and I have been together for 18 years and married for 8. We met at university when we were in our 20s. We have DS who is 4.

DH has always had issues with trust and jealousy and this has caused issues throughout our relationship.

I have been totally faithful to DH apart from, about 9 years ago snogging a bloke from work with whom there had been a a bit of a flirtation. I realised as soon as this happened that it was wrong, stopped it in its tracks and left and went home. I told DH what happened and although it was bad, we worked through it. DH had a bit of a revenge flirtation with a girl he worked with shortly afterwards but we worked through that.

His issues with jealousy preceed this mistake by me, but of course this didn't help.

We can be fine for months and then his issues rear their head. We get through them but it can be very rocky and we did even try Relate (they wouldn't see us as the felt he was controlling - he is but that's not helpful - I want to fix this and I think they could have been good for us)

In order to make him feel better and more secure I let him have "find my friends" on my iphone so he can always see where I am. I don't have a lock on my phone or hide it. He has all my email passwords and can access my facebook.

A few years ago he hated that I spoke to my ex on-line and was furious I met him for a coffee. He asked me recently to end all contact with him, and even though we were friends I did so. I rarely go out, I don't do any seperate hobbies. I work in a sales role but travel back and forth to London from the NW rather than stay overnight as I know he hates it.

Anyway, if you've got this far, the present issue......

At the weekend DH and I went to a festival. We took some MDMA and smoked some skunk. We used to do this at uni - we dont now as we have jobs, child etc so this was a one off the capture our lost youth if you will.

Sat in the tent feeling very safe and loved (drugs) we talked and talked. I ended up confiding in DH that when I was 14 I slept with quite a few people as I was really messed up. I was abused by my grandad as a child which DH is aware of but I ended up tellng him that I used to get validation from this and waas trying to explain to him how messed up I was and how difficult it was for me to comes to terms with what had happened and how it affected me as a teenager. I also told him I cheated on my ex several times.

DH thinks I was very filrty at the start of our relationship. Perhaps I was - it's hard to rememer as it is so long ago and he brings up things from years and years ago that I simply don't remember. Anyway I said to DH that if I had been flirty at the start it was down to the abuse and how it affected me and I was sorry for it.

DH then lost the plot. In fairness he was on a lot of drugs but he decided he had had a "revelation" that I had cheated on him througout our relationship. He accused me of sleeping with a never ending list of random people and even asked if our DS was his. He didn't make a lot of sense.

I tried to talk to him but got nowhere. I hoped this was just the drugs talking and he would be ok again in the morning with a clear head.

However, 3 days later and he's the same. He's convinced I have cheated on him. Which I havent

Examples of things he brings up as evidence include:

Apparantly after a work Christmas party years ago a man I worked with sent me a picture of me and him at the party laughing our heads of with the caption "how?". I don't remember this but assume it means "How did we get in this state?" or something but DH is sure it has a sinister meaning.

Apparantly my boss once said to me "We would never work togther". He's right we wouldn't. We rub each other up the wrong way and there's no hint of attraction on either side. But DH thinks it means something.

Apparntly about 15 years ago, one of his friends rang to say he was coming round and I dashed upstairs and put on a low cut top and did my make up. I woud have got changed and done my make up if anyone was coming round. I dont go to the corner shop without a full face. Not sure about the low cut top but I have never found this bloke attractive so if it was low cut if certainly wasn't for his benefit.

The list goes on and on. These are examples.

Today I was looking at somehting on my phone and he said "What are you doing" I said "I;m on facebook why??" He said "You were looking at your phone and smiling" in a nasty tone that implied I was talking to a man or something. Its constant.

I honestly think he has a paranoid personality disorder. I do not know what to do. Saturday, everything was great, today everything is a disaster. And it keeps happening out of the blue like this. I never know what will set him off or when it's coming, only that it always does.

I am sorry this is so long but I do not know what to do

I have managed to get him to speak to a counsellor and he is currently having the assesment call as I type this but god knows if they will help or make things worse. They will only hear his perception which is siply not grounded in reality.

What can I do?

Sorry again that this is so long

[Hillfarmer]

I doubt I can make him see it though.

What do you think would happen if he did 'see it' OP? Do you think he would have a revelation and suddenly agree that he has been acting like a paranoid bully and suddenly stop doing it? No, of course not. He is the last person that will 'see' his abusive behaviour.

I don't want to prove him right

The only way you can stop his abuse is to leave this situation. He won't stop being abusive, but the difference will be he will be 5, 10 or 20 miles away from you and you won't have to constantly monitor your behaviour. Why on earth do you want the moral high ground here? Do you want to be producing receipts and bus tickets for the rest of your life, in the hope that he might not kick off? But it's ok because at least you didn't 'prove him right'. That's no way to live. It's also no way for your son to live. Do you want your son to witness this, do you want him to have grown up in a home where the dad was a jealous abuser and the mum was a frightened shadow?

You know his behaviour is totally unacceptable, it doesn't matter what he thinks. You have a choice OP. You need to choose the path out of this relationship. You are scared of him. Are you saying that's OK?

[Whathaveilost]

You only have one life as far as we know.
The longer you spend it with this man the more miserable the remainder of your life is going to be.

You have been given some good advice. You choose what you do with it.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I think the fact that Relate wouldn't see you together speaks volumes. You need to leave this man before he stops you working or ever leaving the house.

[iremembericod]

Then when I was on the bus home my phone ran out of charge and I was nearly having a full blown panic attack thinking "this is going to show as location unavaliable to him - he;s going to think I've switched it off so he can't track me because I'm up to something"

Cat, do you know the level of control you are under here?

Have you ever lived on your own? You say you met him at Uni ( is he still there?!?) so I'm guessing you haven't.

This can be a real blocker for some people. Do you think you can live on your own?
What is your view of being a single parent?
What is your view of what a wife should put up with?

I ask those questions because many abused women I have spoken with have the following answers:
"I could never cope on my own, I don't feel safe in a house on my own"
"I don't want my child to come from a broken home"
"A bit of rough and tumble/ups and downs is OK, all marriages have this and you really have to work at it to make the vows work"

The problem with all these answers is that they are incorrect:
Yes you can cope on your own. Many many women do and you have a job for starters, much more than many other abused women.

Your home is already broken and you would fix it by leaving

No, only abusive marriages are like this. Love is about care, nurture, equality, trust and respect. Your marriage has none of the actions of love.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Cat, you've been posting about him for years - he's never going to change.

Loving him won't make him change. It won't make your son happy. Your husband is abusive, but you've been told this hundreds of times and you stay, keep posting and do nothing to help yourself.

His behaviour is dangerous. He tracks your location. You have to keep your bus tickets to prove you are where you say you are. Can you not see how horrendous that is? Someone who loves you doesn't care where you are so long as you're safe. Someone you loves you doesn't give two hoots if you've gone to the next town for a change of scenery. Please understand that.

He won't change. You know what you need to do, but I don't think you're ready to do it yet.

[Whathaveilost]

You do realise that it is likely that your child will end up just like him don't you if you don't change things.

[adora1]

At least try OP, call WA and tell them everything, they can help you. I'd guess you have no friends and hardly see your family thanks to him but WA is there for people like you who are so brain washed over the years you can't actually see what is normal and what isn't.

[PlatoTheGreat]

What do you mean by 'I don't want to prove him right?'

If you are deciding to leave the marriage, it just means you've had enough. Not that you are cheating on him.
Is he accusing you of other things by any chance?

[2nds]

Kitsa it really is as simple as that. Drugs cause paranoia but oh let's just go and get as high as kites like two irresponsible teens, sorry but that shit shouldn't happen. So basically OP is saying drugs aren't part of her problem when they've obviously taken their fair share of drugs in the past hence the major paranoia today. But oh we will just go pop a few pills even though we will likely be looking after our son while having a come down that can actually take a few days.

OP you are kidding yourself if you think it's OK to take MDMA and smoke skunk, what age are you, seriously? And don't say it doesn't take days to come down off MDMA because it takes days to leave your system.

Sorry but I think you are your own worst enemy, he's paranoid but you allow him access to everything like your emails etc? Change your passwords and stay off the bloody mind altering shit.

[Kitsa]

2nds I agree in this situation nobody should be doing drugs. Just blethering on about how much she hates drugs and everyone who is doing them is eliding a lot of the problems here, though.

[adora1]

They took drugs as a one off, they are not taking drugs on a daily or even weekly basis, that has nothing to do with his treatment of her on a daily basis. Granted, it won't help but the guy is fucked in the head anyway.

Anyone who thinks adults don't indulge now and again are very naïve.

[Kitsa]

It also may or may not be the cause of his paranoia, you don't know that, so why pronounce? Drugs can cause paranoia but don't for everyone. The cause of paranoia can be drugs or drugs and a lot of other things or unrelated to what he's taken. There's plenty of reasons for them to avoid substance use here without you deciding to write someone's medical history for them and oversimplifying it.

[Kitsa]

What adora said.

[adora1]

I am a realist Kitsa and I am not trying to rewrite their history, the OP has been posting about his abuse of her for years, I doubt their weekend festival has helped but it sure as hell is not the cause.

[2nds]

Sorry I went off on one there but I know what it's like living with an addict who is now off drugs and has been for quite some time. My concern here with OP and her husband is it seems that both of them have at some point thought nothing of taking pills etc but it does seem that this is the root of their current problems, so why go back to that? Why put their 4 year old in a position where he's having to deal with a paranoid daddy on a come down and an upset mummy on a comedown? Social services probably should have been informed, he's 4 years old ffs.

Drugs are hateful, they wreck people's lives and as soon as someone points out the obvious they get jumped on. No offence to the people on this thread but that wee four year old deserves better than having two parents revisit their drug binge youth. One or both of these two had a drug problem that has never fully been dealt with hence why they both happily took a few pills and thought nothing of it.

[thestamp]

I can't leave him because I love him

I'm sorry darling but if you really love him, and actually want the best for him, you will leave him.

You need to understand - his control of you is like a drug. He is addicted to the high that he gets from dominating and controlling you. You are the booze and he is the addict.

As long as you make yourself available to him, you are literally making the problem worse and worse. This is going to continue to spiral. The absolute best, most loving thing you can do for this man is to remove yourself from his influence. That is literally THE ONLY CHANCE he will have to get better.

As long as you stay in the marriage, there is no way for him to recover. I know you think you are being kind to him by staying, but really, you are just trying to avoid the pain that comes with doing the right thing.

he loves DS

He will still have contact with DS though. If he wants contact, he'll keep contact.

If you love DS, you need to redirect your courage away from coping with this terrible relationship, and towards ending it.

I know this is awful but you need to understand: by staying in this relationship, you are making a deal with the devil. Only it's not you alone who has to pay the price. Your DS will suffer tenfold for every bit of pain that you'll experienced. Think about this. Do you want that for your son?

Is your wanting to avoid the pain of splitting, worth the horrendous suffering that your child will endure?

and I don't want to prove him right

Again... I've been there. As I said in a previous post, I know this feeling all too well. I had identical thoughts.

This is part of the addictive cycle though. Your DH knows you feel like a bad person and that you will always try to prove that you are good... so he knows, he can never think well of you... because that will give you emotional space to leave him.

It's in his interest to never, ever believe that you are faithful. He knows that as long as you feel he thinks badly of you, that you will never leave him because you don't want to "prove him right". This is his hook in your flesh. But what you haven't realized is that you can remove the hook yourself. Yes it will hurt. But then it will heal.

Please OP. Think of your son. The pain of ending this relationship is worth it if it means your son has the chance not to suffer as you have.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think you mistake codependency for love. This is not a loving relationship and never has been.

[Lillygolightly]

Oh Cat please leave him. I know you love him but you need to love yourself more than you love him. I understand you feel sorry for him because you think he is broken and that he can get better. Yes he can get better but love he has absolutely no reason to get better because he has exactly what he wants because your still with him!!!

The life you are living is absolutely sub human and regardless of whatever happened in the past or whatever mistakes he deigns you to have made you DO NOT deserve to live like this!!! You don't deserve it, you don't deserve it, I'll keep saying it...you don't deserve it!!! Stop letting him punish you, and stop punishing yourself because you really honestly and truly do not deserve it. You DO deserve a happy life, a life of a normal adult who can go wherever whenever she likes and not have to face a bloody inquest when she gets home. A life without fear, a life without that panic stricken terrible knot in the stomach feeling that you must carry around with you all the time. You my love are not happy, you think you are at times but honestly all you are doing is kidding yourself. I'll bet that each time you 'think' you are happy there is the voice in the back of your head that says 'why can't he be like this all the time' (he can't btw, he doesn't even want to be nice all the time) and the other voice that says 'I wonder how long this is going to last before something sets him off again' it's no way to live, and you don't have to live this way. You can do so much better, honestly you can, you just have to do it!

You can do it you know, you can just leave. Take the first step and ring women's aid. Start there and take it just one tiny step at a time.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

You can't fix him, Cat. You know that.

[PatriciaHolm]

Your poor poor child. Stuck in the middle of this. If you can't think of a better future for you, do it for him?

[magoria]

Your poor DS.

He deserves a better life.

[flippinada]

So sad to read this and even more so when I saw who had posted it. The relationship counsellor is absolutely right.

He's an abuser and this is no way for your and your DS to live. You can't fix him or love him better. Please leave, for both of your sakes. If you can't do it for yourself, please do it for your little boy.

[flippinada]

Have re-read. The drugs are not a good idea but they're a red herring, really.

Catgirl your OP is full of your H and what he thinks and does and how he behaves and how you respond to that.

What about your DS in all this? Not to have a go but everything sounds centred around your H and his wants and needs (I'm not going to call him D because he doesn't deserve it). Wouldn't all that be better directed to your actual DS?

Stop and have a think about much better you would feel, how much more energy you would have, if you didn't have to expend so much effort on managing this pathetic, abusive kidult.

[happygoluckylady]

I genuinely don't mean this to be hurtful but I have been on MN for a few years and your posts are among the few I remember. Your husband is not a kind man. Don't you and your son deserve better?

[Ticktacktock]

I know exactly where you're coming from cat.

I had a life like yours, almost 30 years ago now, and its as if it happened to somebody else.

He was controlling, abusive, jealous and possessive. He hit me once because he said I had been flaunting myself to the men by being naked in the bathroom as he was convinced that I was visible through the frosted glass. He made me stand naked while he went outside to check.

Another time he took me swimming, but it was a test. He wanted to see if I would really flaunt myself in a bikini in the swimming pool. Of course in his eyes I did. He was so incensed at my sluttish behaviour he ripped my bikini off and flung it down the pool. He then left me and went to get dressed. Some women helped me to the changing room and I got dressed as quickly as I could and went to apologise for my unacceptable behaviour. Yes, I really did.

Another time he hit me because a man asked me for a light in a pub. I quite obviously wanted to shag him.

I wasn't allowed make up, tight clothes, friends, and he had to know where I was.

We split, due to his shagging about. My new man now dh, was and is so laid back I thought he didn't love me because he didn't want to know where I was all the time, and I could go out as and when I pleased. How could he love me if he wasn't jealous or possessive? It took a long time to get used to.

I know how you feel. I'm not going to tell you to leave him. You'll know yourself when the time is right. You really can only take so much. There will be a straw that breaks the camels back, but right now its still carrying the load.

Big hugs to you my love. Feel free to pm me should you wish