I now really dont believe that the majority of men are faithful

[isthismylifenow]

I know I am generalizing now, but once again I have had an "offer" from a married man.

I have posted frequently here, so maybe you remember me, but if not, separated for 6 months from a 20 year marriage.

I have been propositioned on a few occasions now, but this last one just takes the cake.

How offended on a scale of 1-10 would you be by this message..?

"If I were there right now, I would wine and dine you to your hearts content, then with your permission, would take you home and perform wild and wonderful sex bringing out the worst in you"

I reply in a joking manner (in your dreams...) as this is a friend I have know for some time, there has been banter in the past between us, but nothing more than a joke here and there.

His reply to that:

"I need something casual and safe, what do you say, are you keen to take it further"

WTAF! So I didn't even reply and now I am getting the "oh so ignoring me now messages"

I am upset. I don't think I am wrong in feeling upset. This has happened quite a few times now, in every case the man is 'happily' married.....well that is how it would appear when I was married and we were all mates. Now I am single, it seems like men think they have the right to treat me like a piece of meat, or 'ah its been 6 months, she must be gagging for it, so I will give her one'... its degrading and its making me start to dislike men. I am no man hater btw, but what gives them the fucking right to think that this is okay on any level.

I don't know if it matters any (it shouldn't, but maybe I have portrayed the wrong message) that since my separation I started going to gym (this was for me, somewhere to work out frustrations and clear my head, which is does and I enjoy going), and I think I probably look better than I have in quite some time.... I am eating better so my skin looks clearer, all things that have just given me a tiny bit of confidence, of which I had NONE at all before.

Now today I ate a big bag of crisps and don't even want to go to gym tonight, as I feel today I just want to put back on the weight.. but fuck them, why should I.. I am not boasting about losing weight, so please don't read it that way.....for once I tried to do something for me, and now I am being taken advantage of AGAIN, but in a different way now...

I don't go out of my way to flirt, as I said I had a bit of a banter with some friends for years, but nothing heavy. I didn't message him first, he messaged me about work stuff (I do work in a very male orientated industry) and then bam!

I am not over-thinking this am I???

How do you deal with that ReallyNoEyeDeer within a marriage or LTR?

It's a personal thing. How I deal with it is by mentally accepting that my husband loves me and he is choosing to be with me.

As far as I know, he hasn't been unfaithful to me but I accept he may have been and I also accept if he hasn't so far at some point or points he will be. I think it is inevitable he will be tempted in future and if temptation coincides with opportunity it will happen. He is a good and decent man. But he is a man as I have said.

So I look it as this will happen - if I don't know, it won't hurt me. If I'm not publicly humiliated (eg. affair with work colleague where everyone knows) it won't hurt me. If he practices safe sex, it won't hurt me. If he is choosing to be with me and he loves me, that matters most - but that's a two way thing - I choose him too.

I think any woman banging on about how "decent" her DH is and how he wouldn't do that is a fool. A quick search on the "I've discovered DH having an affair" threads here proves the point. ALL of the MN posters say "I'd never have believed it/shock/great dad/buys me flowers/is male Mary Poppins/Sir Gallahad/blah blah blah." Wise up I say.

I trust my dh completely

But literally no one else. I've been hit on by so many married men you're going to think I'm a supermodel

I'm 45 and nearly 4 stone overweight

If I talk to anyone in a slightly friendly way they honestly think I'm crazy about them

Garlic Steak: " The other day, I posted a nice comment on one man's gushy wedding anniversary post. We've only met once, when he was trying to get off with me."

But why on earth would you do that!? you have met him once. He tried to get off with you. If this were me it would not enter my head to engage at all with him. why would you even waste time commenting on what he posts? Mind boggling that you would bother, and even more so because he has given you an unwanted come-on.

Oh, and ewwww: "have either shagged or turned down about half of them. They are all married."

NoEye, you might be unaware there is no evidence at all that it's 'natural' & 'biological' for men to shag as many women as possible. The theory was made up by (male) Victorian anthropologists, for whom it seemed obvious. Women having no sexual desire and all that.

If anything, both men and women might be programmed to screw around. From a Darwinian point of view, it makes more sense for women to shag as many different men as possible. It's just as likely we are serially monogamous - which is how many of us end up, as it goes - or perhaps some humans are monogamous and some aren't: both sexes.

The idea that women cause men's cheating by not being sexy enough and "meeting her man's needs" is utterly laughable, Mobius. Aren't you a bit late back to the 1950s?

If anything, both men and women might be programmed to screw around.

Yep. We are primates. We ALL are programmed to sow wild oats far and wide. Some of us manage not to, and some of us don't. Men are generally allowed to get away with more than women, so they can afford to be slightly more brash about it. But that doesn't mean women don't cheat at the same rate...

It's Morbius garlicstake not Mobiust

Modern history may dictate your views but women for thousands of years have known the "truism" about "keeping their man happy".

Yep, biologically women shop for the best sperm at ovulation time

That's not often their partner

It's down to the environment, Curly. I don't need to explain (but I will: very small town.) And, yeah, I did some duplicitous things in the past. Forgive me for [a] not caring whether you approve, and [b] not severing contact with every male I have or haven't had sex with.

Would you like me to fetch your smelling salts?

RNED I think you're onto something there. Thanks for explaining. Do you feel that you could discretely stray too? In some ways that sounds better. I always feel like I've been a mug for not cheating when I have plenty of opportunities. I don't get any comfort from occupying moral high ground, but still I don't cheat.

I think Morbius you can keep a man happy and he he might still want to get more from someone else if it's on offer and he can get away with it.

women for thousands of years have known the "truism" about "keeping their man happy"

Women for thousands of years risked death by not keeping their man happy.

Sorry I missed out your r.

I'm going to get flamed for this and it's not an incredibly strongly belief, more of a musing, but this jumped out at me in the OP
'there has been banter in the past between us, but nothing more...'
What does that mean? Because I don't think I've had had a 'near the knuckle' conversation or even 'double entendry' reference not with my husband since I was married. And although I had plenty of action before I've never been propositioned since.

I share the same experiences as you OP.

Unfortunately I know loads of men that have cheated and only one or two women.

I've had a man text me on his wedding day! he was promptly told never to contact me again, though it doesn't stop him from trying.

I've had someone nag me to meet up for a "casual drink" he didn't give a shit about his girlfriend.

That's just the start.

I'm not saying there's no decent men out there, but judging by my experiences and mine alone I would say they're a minority.

What did this banter look like OP?

Banter is another way to describe flirting IMO

Working in a hotel has opened my eyes.

Married staff seeing married or unmarried staff
Newer employees shagging their way to the top
Regular guests (almost everyone who stays Monday to Friday stays every Monday to Friday ) - bring their wives and kids one weekend, their fancy bit the next.
Regulars who travel with work and have separate bookings yet in their rewards profile request connecting bedrooms. Of which one is never slept in.
Guests whose wives call in the evening and have a catch up and an hour later they've a taxi booked to the well known bar for hiring women.
Guests who book in for the day, entertain a visitor and check out four or five hours later who then return at the weekend for their wedding anniversary.

It's been incredibly eye opening. I feel confident that my marriage will succeed and like to think my husband wouldn't cheat. I'm not daft though and nothing is certain. He and I both know the marriage would be over if I found out he had though.

Some User names on MN need a special mention of their own. Hats off to ApocalypseSlough for the name of the day

Exactly what I said before. Most people's response would be to tell him to do one, not to "banter" with him.

Would the OP be happy to show this man's wife their "banter" texts, my guess is not.

I disagree about your 3 types Really. My DF has never cheated on my mum and he is none of those types. I'm not saying their marriage is perfect, though.

My DF has never cheated on my mum and he is none of those types

that you know of

Dale How do you know??

i don't tbh

all through my 20s I was constantly hit on by married men, mostly at work (office environment)

i am 36 now with 3 dc and even now I often get perved at by men who are with their wives/gfs and I I dont mean just on nights out etc I mean in, fucking, asda fgs

it makes me think shit of men and tbh while I don't think dh would cheat I am not 100% sure because of the above

and I am nothing special at all, just mrs average

Aw thanks DrM I'm predated by an ApocalypseNowt who very graciously said I could keep it when I bumped into her on a thread.

god, some of you have had right cocky gits in work and around you! do men really try it on or test out the boundaries so often?

i am late 30s and have never had anyone test the water with me but i'm very shy in social situations, so no clue what vibes i give off.

can i ask anyone on this thread how many people you know married have had an affair in the marriage or vice versa?

i only know of one couple where an affair has happened but maybe im very naive?

When I started working at what turned out to be the most ridiculously unfaithful office ever, I politely turned down the first advance by saying "I just don't 'do' married, sorry." This was fed back to me many times over the years, with a sort of bemused respect, as the reason no-one tried it on!

Weird places, offices ...