I now really dont believe that the majority of men are faithful

[isthismylifenow]

I know I am generalizing now, but once again I have had an "offer" from a married man.

I have posted frequently here, so maybe you remember me, but if not, separated for 6 months from a 20 year marriage.

I have been propositioned on a few occasions now, but this last one just takes the cake.

How offended on a scale of 1-10 would you be by this message..?

"If I were there right now, I would wine and dine you to your hearts content, then with your permission, would take you home and perform wild and wonderful sex bringing out the worst in you"

I reply in a joking manner (in your dreams...) as this is a friend I have know for some time, there has been banter in the past between us, but nothing more than a joke here and there.

His reply to that:

"I need something casual and safe, what do you say, are you keen to take it further"

WTAF! So I didn't even reply and now I am getting the "oh so ignoring me now messages"

I am upset. I don't think I am wrong in feeling upset. This has happened quite a few times now, in every case the man is 'happily' married.....well that is how it would appear when I was married and we were all mates. Now I am single, it seems like men think they have the right to treat me like a piece of meat, or 'ah its been 6 months, she must be gagging for it, so I will give her one'... its degrading and its making me start to dislike men. I am no man hater btw, but what gives them the fucking right to think that this is okay on any level.

I don't know if it matters any (it shouldn't, but maybe I have portrayed the wrong message) that since my separation I started going to gym (this was for me, somewhere to work out frustrations and clear my head, which is does and I enjoy going), and I think I probably look better than I have in quite some time.... I am eating better so my skin looks clearer, all things that have just given me a tiny bit of confidence, of which I had NONE at all before.

Now today I ate a big bag of crisps and don't even want to go to gym tonight, as I feel today I just want to put back on the weight.. but fuck them, why should I.. I am not boasting about losing weight, so please don't read it that way.....for once I tried to do something for me, and now I am being taken advantage of AGAIN, but in a different way now...

I don't go out of my way to flirt, as I said I had a bit of a banter with some friends for years, but nothing heavy. I didn't message him first, he messaged me about work stuff (I do work in a very male orientated industry) and then bam!

I am not over-thinking this am I???

I hate this kind of generalisation! What a lovely man hate thread your looking to start

I don't agree with it at all, just as many women cheat as men or who do all these men cheat with
Yes some men cheat so do some women but it is awfully unfair to tie them all with the same brush don't you think?

There are many nice happy married men, my DH is certainly one and I know a fair few others.

Pinkheart, you can't disagree with people's experiences. It doesn't work that way. You can only disagree with people's opinions.

In MY experience, most most married men cheat with women who are not married. Most married women cheat with men who are also married.

It's just maths and experience and you can't argue with that.

Sometimes it seems like both genders are such cheaters. I support lots of MM whose wives have cheated and when I look at infidelity forums it's really pretty much 50/50.

I used to think it was mainly MM who cheated, but MW can be just as bad.

It makes very sad reading I have to say. I always used to think MW were better than that, but that was very naive of me back then.

I don't like generalisation posts either, really gets my back up. In my experience no more men cheat that women and I certainly wouldn't label either sex as the bigger cheaters

I've had this. When I became single a colleague of 20 years came on to me and said he wanted to 'try me out' before he decided to have a full blown affair. He was known as a good guy and 'happily married.' He put pressure on me for 3 years and I can't even look at him any more. It ruined our friendship.

I think a lot of men are opportunists and will just chance their luck.

Pinkheart, you can't disagree with people's experiences

But surely Pinkheart is saying that in her experience there are very many nice, happily married men?

IME, I know very few men who have cheated. I also know very few women who have cheated.

Of course it goes on. But why assume that all men are gagging for sex with someone else, and women aren't?

Pinkheart I think everyone has in them the ability/ will to cheat and if opportunity with "no strings" presents itself "Why not, variety is the spice of life".
There was another thread on here about people being happy with their partner, but being attracted to someone else. It happens, whereas some will just "go for it" others have a conscience, think of the consequences, and have respect for their partner.
I would never ever say with my hand on my heart that I know that my lovely DH of 30 years plus would not cheat, how do I know I am not inside his head. If anyone truly believes that 100% about their partner, that way foolishness lies!

It is. It's depressing, and - well, shocking. We think our male friends value us for the people we are, then all of a sudden you find out they see you as a piece of fuckable flesh. Now you aren't some other man's property, you're up for grabs.

It throws all your ideas about equality in the fire, basically.

From most surveys I've seen, about 60% of men and 40% of women admit to cheating in a LTR. From personal experience I'd suggest about 90% of men would and maybe have! About a third of my Facebook friends are hetero men I 'know' in real life. I have either shagged or turned down about half of them. They are all married. The other day, I posted a nice comment on one man's gushy wedding anniversary post. We've only met once, when he was trying to get off with me!

Something I've not experienced for a very long time is blokes turning nasty when you say No. I'm pretty sure this is because I'm not very active socially, not young and not good-looking. It used to happen a lot. I've no doubt it still does.

Sigh. There's such a long way to go ...

Isthis, please don't let this interfere with your new enjoyment of your gorgeousness! You'll just have to raise your standards to the roof and learn to get stroppy

Part of me would like to blame all men as my ex is a lying cheating bastard, but I'd like to have faith that not all men are the same!

To support this, none of my friends DHs or married work colleagues have propositioned me over the past 6 months. My friends have said if I went on OLD I would 'pull' so no obvious reason that I'm being avoided and they're propositioning other women.

Maybe you are unlucky with the men around you?

I think everyone has in them the ability/ will to cheat and if opportunity with "no strings" presents itself

I'm on the fence about that one - but did you notice you said "If the opportunity presents itself"?

This thread isn't about 'opportunities' coming on to the cheaters. It's about them going after women who've never made any sexual overtures to them at all.

And assuming they'll be up for it! Even should be up for it!

I have known so many men (and a few women) cheat who you really wouldn't think we're the 'type' (I've known a lot of those as well!) Mostly in the work place but also old friends.

You could trust your husband 100%, have a good marriage and feel that your husband is 'one of the good ones' but really never know. Sad but true. I used to read comments like the one I have just written and think 'how sad!' but as I'm getting older I have been more shocked by people's behaviour.

Maybe you are unlucky with the men around you?

That's a point, actually. I used to move in very superficial circles with plenty of drinks, drugs & spare cash. And my husbands were serial cheats.

But then again, I've made very few male friends in this new, very quiet life - including the one whose anniversary was this week.

I'm with you, OP.

Reading this has been interesting. In the late 1970's and early 1980's I worked in an office in Central London (part of a government dept) where a good 90% of the married men who worked there had an "office girlfriend".
Same here, late 80s and 90s. Amazing that no-one ever told the (real) wives.
They were sales guys an the office 'wives' were secretaries/sales support. I was the only female sales person, and they never propositioned me - was almost like a power imbalance thing, and everyone knew I was madly in love with my DH.
Funnily enough, some years later, after I left the job , was in London and met up accidentally with my old manager ( who had been one of the worst serial offenders). We had a drink - no flirting, but when we got back to the station he blurted out - 'strange how we never hooked up' I just smiled and said 'bye - gotta go, train due any minute, love to [your wife]'. Later that evening I had a text from him saying 'lovely to meet up, must plan it next time and we could go somewhere a bit quieter xxx' - maybe my smile was construed as an invitation, rather than that I didn't wanna say - ie wouldn't with a barge pole...

I'm with AndYourBird, the older I get I never cease to be amazed at what some people get up to.
I also think that many men are "opportunists" and try and "read" women to see if they have a chance.
I learnt when very young with many you can't be just friendly and nice as they see it as a big "come on" sad but true.

Garlicsteak, o yes the turning nasty when you turn them down. This happened lots when I was younger, one who previously I considered a nice/good friend!

I have had to change my personality with men because they just see friendliness as an invite.

A chirpy 'Plans for the weekend?' is interpreted as ' Can I meet you this weekend for some illicit sex?'.

I think men tend to be thought of as the slimy opportunists in terms of cheating, simply because in our culture, men are usually expected to be the pursuers. So it makes sense that they are going to be the ones who tend to go out on a limb and do the propositioning.

Whereas women are just as likely to cheat, they'll just be less likely to "start the fire" so to speak. They'll keep their eyes peeled for the right signals from the men around them, and then just make themselves available quietly to the interested man.

So the man might be perceived as the transgressor, when in reality it absolutely took two to tango from the start.

Men aren't the problem, it's the fact that we're primates and we like sex/sexual attention/validation... like I said it's human nature.

And an enthusiastic 'thank you, that's very kind of you' as a client for a nice gesture rendered (here in France) and your prize is an intense, seconds-long gaze with suggestive smile from the man in question.

I've been told by some friends I should smile less.

I agree.

But do you know what - it is totally biologically normal for men to want to have sex with as many women as possible! It is normal!!! It's how we are designed. Monogamy is a social construct designed (ironically!) for the benefit of men so that that they can be sure(think Caveman times and pre-DNA) that their child was actually theirs.

I work in a male dominated profession and married late-ish. I have been repeatedly hit on by married men and thing the key determinating factors in infidelity are (a) coincidence of chemistry (ie. man and woman equally finding each other attractive) (b) opportunity where sex is relatively easy to conceal (eg. job where you work late; woman with her own flat near where he works so he can bunk off over lunch time; job involving travelling) and (c) man being reasonably sure he won't be caught (which slightly overlaps with (b) but also includes other factors like risk of woman acting like a bunny boiler; married woman with same amount to lose etc).

I am always shocked by the posts on here where women have discovered they have an unfaithful husband and are all so "I'd never have believed it of him". He's a man. Believe it.

The only men who aren't unfaithful ever - say over a 20 year marriage are -

1. zealot religious types where the faith is all.
2. men with no opportunity (very rare).
3. men who are borderline asexual and married in order to have a family.

There are many nice happy married men, my DH is certainly one and I know a fair few others.

Naïve. Naïve. Naïve.

A friend of mine had a long affair (5 years) with a "nice happily married man". By all accounts he was publicly presenting as a nice happily married man and was a "good egg" - 3 children, always there for school play, prizes etc. His wife has no idea and will never find out. Their affair pettered out naturally. But his wife is no doubt bragging about their great marriage and how she's so lucky he's never been unfaithful. But for about 5 years he was telling my friend "he loved her too".

How do you deal with that ReallyNoEyeDeer within a marriage or LTR?

Oh and that man - the happily married one who had a 5 year affair - is now in the 25th year of his marriage. Wife no idea.

Perhaps there is another slant on this.....

Perhaps in general men keep their DW's happy, with no need to wander.

Perhaps the DW's of the men mentioned are not "keeping their man happy" and so their gaze wonders.

This post title could easily be - why are so many wives failing their husband?

Reallynoeyedeer Yes I know one of these too. For these men public/social image seems very important to them I think above all else.