Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Do not let him come home for bath and bedtimes - if he wants contact he picks up on the doorstep and takes away and brings back. No exceptions.

the issue with this, and with another poster who suggested changing the lock is that if the property is in both their names or a marital home then either of these actions is criminal - they are illegal eviction in the eyes of the law and seen as unreasonable behaviour - which would eb considered in divorce proceedings.

Crap as it is, unless there is a reason to do these things - such as he has been violent and the incident registered with police etc - then you can't do either of these things. Which is shit, I know.

Its a shame you don't feel you can move him out now OP. the longer he stays the harder it is. you are fooling yourself if you think your sensitive dc hasn't twigged this already, really you are.

have caught up on the thread and now understand his tears. obviously your nobhead and the OW were quite happy letting it all trip along as it was. then of course they got rumbled. her dh threw her out and in a panic they realised that the game was up and he had better come clean. this has been going on ages hasn't it OP. the deceit and the lies. one of the reasons he did it is no doubt because it was exciting, sneaking around, sharing little knowing texts and sniggering. now its out in the open it wont seem half so exciting and the self pitying tears you see now will turn to anger. this is what worries me. the more he is around you the worse it will be as he tries to undermine you.

as it all starts to dawn on him, he wont just move out quietly if at all.

I know you want to do right by your dc but keeping him under your roof for an indefinite time will do your dc no good at all. You need some time and space to sort things out. I know you think you are protecting your children but actually all you are doing is protecting your ex. please get him out asap. tell your son something plausible but please do this, don't delay it. it really worries me when I read posts like this because he is under pressure now and really you don't know what he will do next.

your mental health and safety is the key thing at the moment because without it you wont be able to move forward. hope you get some sleep tonight and you do need some hi cal drinks if nothing else - hot chocolate, sweet tea etc.

I was asleep. My house phone rang. I eventually got to it. It's DH. "Did you know you locked me out?"
I'm disoriented and hang up. Go downstairs. It's 12.30am. He hasn't been at his mums. Not till this time. I let him in.

But, I've lost my cool I came upstairs and slammed the door (dc are at a friends) and shouted downstairs for him to pack a bag tomorrow. I want him gone.

How dare he. How dare he treat my house like a fucking hotel.

You're all right of course. He has no respect for me. His tears are for himself and his poor damaged ego as he was always so proud of being a good man and a good dad. And he's not. Not anymore and not for a long time. I don't recognise this person in my house. His personality has altered in a matter of days. Hours even.

I will hope he has some compassion left by tomorrow and ask him to leave me in peace.

I can't rest while he's here. I am shivering. And exhausted. And I'm so, so angry. I mean it's not like I didn't think he'd go to her at some point. Maybe I am naive. I'm not a deceitful person I don't understand the underhandedness of him. I assume he figures it's over he can do what he wants but, no. Fuck that and fuck him!

I deserve some fucking respect and the chance to act with dignity and integrity.

So fuck him. He can go to London for the next week. Show face at dd's party on Saturday, but he's out.

I'm out.

You are right. Its awful, it hurts, but you have the right attitude.

I know you have been in shock these past few days OP, but this shows you - where did you think he would be coming from and going back to when he would be swanning in and out at bathtime? And from his point of view, why the hell won't he come and go as he pleases if he is allowed in at bathtime? And how do you stop your kids being confused as to whether he is here or not when one minute he's bathing them and the next he's gone for the night? Kids are not that stupid.

It is better for all concerned, especially for the sake of stability for the kids, that once he leaves he stays out.

The fucking awful nasty bastard. How dare he!?
Op i am glad you are kicking this fucker out.

Oh boo hoo for him. You had no idea what time or even if he was coming back last night and you bolted the door for your own security. I'd be letting him know you'll be doing that in future before you go to bed so if he's not in by then, too bad and he can find somewhere else to sleep. Hopefully he'll move out anyway though.

Glad you've found your anger.

PLEASE stay safe.

Change passwords on bank accounts if possible and think if there's any money/valuables/important paperwork he can grab while he's there tonight?

Please please withdraw as much as you can from your joint account asap. My bastard of an ex h left me penniless with 2 under 2. I had to walk 6 miles with them in a double buggy to get an emergency giro from the dss (1999) to buy nappies as my daughter was having to wear my sanitary towels taped together with masking tape. They do t give a shit once they've walked out that door. And the OW will expect him to be treating her to nice things

We've had a fair amount of cash sitting in our bank for a couple of years since my dads house sold. It was going to be used for fees and stuff when we moved.

Oh god I can't stop shaking. I've just transferred half of it to my old account. Do I tell him I've done it? I feel like I'm going to be sick. It feels like stealing and it's my money. Every day I'm watching my husband get further away from me and not recognising myself in the mirror either. I feel sick.

If it's from the sale if your dad's house why only take half?

Take the lot. You've got two children to protect. Fuck him.

Because it's not mine it's ours. The money we used to buy my dads house was inheritance from his gps so if we start squabbling about it e could have the high ground. He earns ALL the money at the moment. When I have a wage he'll be earning nearly 8x my wage every month.
I haven't touched the amount that is his wages.

He'll need a deposit for a rental too and stuff for starting over there. Beds for the DC. I can't take it all. I'm not going to let the anger win here. I need the high ground.

I'm not trying to be goady but- you're saying savings are 50:50 but his income is solely his?

I'm not saying to clear out all the bank accounts but I never get where the notion of 50:50 comes from when there are children involved. Presumable your income/ earning power was limited/ reduced by your being the main child carer as a joint decision?

You have no responsibility for your husband anymore. He is hour husband in name only. You have no duty of care towards him anymore and whilst you are playing fair and acting reasonably, I can assure you that he will not afford you the same.

If the money is from your father then take it all. He has his own parents who may leave him money in the future and you will not be included in that inheritance so please don't include him in hours.

Please realise that he has built up a home with you and when he leaves he is only taking his clothes and personal affects. It leads to resentment of every item in the home, any pictures, appliances, small electrical etc as he will have to start again. That resentment may lead to him not giving financial support to his children. Any cash that is rightfully yours should be split because once he takes it, it's gone for good.

He has put himself in this situation. When they have affairs they make all sorts of promises and envisage a rose tinted future, in reality the crafty pair lose their homes and are holed up in a flat with none of the fancy trimmings they were accustomed to before. That's when they collude to be spiteful and not pay their financial dues to the family left behind.

Fairness goes out of the window and you would be wise to stop thinking of your husband who will see that you are all right because for all intents and purposes he is now your enemy.

When the dust settles and financial affairs are sorted and visitations rights establishes then all of you can decide whether you will all get on or not. For now though it is not the time and you have to put yourself and your children first because he certainly won't be.

Correction
Any cash that is rightfully yours should not be split because once he takes it, it's gone for good.

I agree with yes
If he is any way untrustworthy transfer all the money - don't spend it lavishly, just protect it from him spending it on her
My not quite x got most distressed that I made him come off Dd1's account & "our" joint account, that he'd never put a penny into only taken out.

he'll need stuff for starting out over there

If he's earning so much then he can buy these himself? His decision, his problem.

I'm biased- when my dad left he took half the fucking furniture. So one sofa, one arm chair, one TV, one chest of drawers. Luckily he only took the dishwasher and had the good grace to leave us the washing machine. Besides the point that there were 5 of us and one of him, he needed to furnish his single man house.

Make sure you are copying any financial paperwork. Put aside birth certificates, passports, and such so you know where they are.

Don't allow him to swan back in and out of the house to see the children. Make a temporary contact schedule so he can pick them up and take them and bring them back. I made this mistake initially and my ex took advantage and used the time in the house to undermine my confidence and to ask personal nosy questions. it was also more difficult on the dcs, as it was confusing for them.

Let him sort out taking the children to his mother to visit. Best thing at the moment is to distance yourself. She's going to want to talk about things, and frankly you don't need that as it's likely to involve pressure to either reconcile or just roll over and cooperate with his demands. No matter how friendly and supportive she may seem, do not ever forget that first and foremost, he is her son and she will ultimately side with him. I've seen it with others and also with my ex. He was cheating and abusive (double whammy) and still she made excuses for him, as did his entire family so even now he feels he has done nothing wrong.

He is pretending to be cooperative now, but it won't last. Whatever you think he wouldn't do, re-evaluate, because he will likely surprise you at every turn... And not in a good way.

Consider telling the dcs now. They must know something is up, and the uncertainty will be upsetting and confusing. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they can start dealing with it.

Do you want your fathers money buying her engagement ring or pram ? Move the money and if a judge says you have to give it back then you give it back.

^^ what Pissssssedoff said. Move the money, and if it comes to a judge, just say that it wasn't spent but you are quite willing to discuss weather it half needs to be handed back. He's protecting her and him. You protecting yourself and the kids.

Stay strong and get him out today.

He is playing the victim and wants sympathy.

This too shall pass, OP.

I've just told him to pack and get out before the kids come home. They're on a sleepover.
I woke him by blasting yes by mcalmont and butler at full volume and hoovering the stairs.

He asked if I was going to tell the kids. I'll tell them he's in London for a few days.

He seemed amazed I was upset that he didn't come home last night

I haven't told him about the money.

You're doing great.