Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Thanks to whoever suggested this song on a thread last night. It's on a loop.

Remember how angry you felt in that moment. Now channel the anger.

Your children are the number one priority. You need to make sure you have enough moment for them.

If you are only taking 50% you take
50% of everything including any monies from his salary.

If he asks be honest. 'I don't trust you to the right thing for your family any more. You're no longer putting us first.'

You said you were on sabbatical from work? Is there any way you can arrange to go back earlier (in a few weeks time) so you know there's money on the horizon?

Start thinking about how you can take back your career.

Take copies of pay slips, all bank records, insurances and anything else you can think of while you've got the chance.

Make him an offer about support tomorrow while he is in full guilt mode. Be greedy but realistic and type it up. Sign it with him and get witnesses. Go to solicitor MONDAY and begin getting it formalised asap. My friend did this and when he changes his mind later (like all do), it went to judge who was like, no, you agreed an order of support, stick to it.

You have a window of guilt. Milk it.

PS. You're doing brilliantly. Well done!

I feel like I'm dying

I wouldn't discuss finances with him until you've spoken to a solicitor. So solicitor ASAP and then talk finances when you are backed up by solid legal advice.

You will inside DO NOT let him see that!

I agree tell kids sooner rather than later, they'll know something's up and worry more if they don't know what it is.

Money - I agree with others set as much aside as possible HE'S ON HER SIDE NOW NOT YOURS.

The account you've put it into - is it same bank/group of banks? (Eg lloyds & tsb are linked) if so ASAP open an account with a completely different company and put money there.

LOVE that you woke him early.

He's gone

Oh lovely this is the worst bit. Slowly but so surely, things will get better for you.

Much quicker now he won't be coming from her bed into your house.

Have you got anyone you can call on today?

How can I do this on my own?

Oh onit you do see this is for the best don't you? Up thread you referred to the money as being 'ours' but you know how the only 'ours' he is referring to now is him and the ow. I'm not trying to be cruel but look at how easily he left.....you have had excellent advice on here, I know it's hard but it's doable. Have you a friend you could go to before kids come home? You are doing what is right for you and the kids, you are not the bad guy in this.

Oh sweetheart.

I've not caught up yet but well done.
You just have to accept that you will feel shit for a bit and work with it.
Why wouldn't you feel shit?

Do what ever you need to do to get over the next few days and weeks.
I used to mentally tick off the days towards feeling better.

Eat what you can, sleep if you can, try distraction but mostly look forward, you will feel better soon I promise.

I used my window of guilt and managed to secure my house.
I have a good life and a secure future for me and my kids.

He went on to have 4 kids in a row so had I not struck a deal earky on I'd have evded up with nothing.

What is your plan for getting through the day?

I am so sorry for you Bonnet.

I know it sounds trite but this is the lowest point. Make short term sites and goals.

The next time you see him will be the party next week? Throw yourself into feeling as good as it is can about yourself before then. Be kind to yourself.

I think you should get in touch with your sister and ask her for some support.

Lots of love to you x

OP. I know from personal experience that it's devastating.

No point in bullshitting you, it will be awful for a while. It's horrible to think that someone who you thought you knew so well, could change so quickly into someone you don't recognise. However, it will get easier, it just takes time.

Re the money. I'd move the bulk of it. He might not be as reasonable as you'd expect once he's shacked up with the OW. You can always sort that out later. If he's such a high earner, he can afford to look after himself.

Don't do him any favours, as he probably wont reciprocate. I learned that the hard way.

Can you get your friends or family round today?

In some ways thank your lucky stars he's gone. Mine was advised by his lawyers not to move out until decree absolute and money and property transfers were all done. It took 7 months and we had to live together as spouses have a legal right to live in their own home in that period.

Just take each day as it comes. See a solicitor. Get copies and know all about each of your finances, pensions and all the rest. Sever the joint tenancy on the house. Perhaps make a new will right away leaving everything to the children not him. But don't rule out that he may end up not wanting to be with the other woman come back to you and things will be okay - loads of couples (although people never write about it on mumsnet) do stay together after one of them has an affair.

Concentrate on getting better, well and getting a full time job as money will be tight whatever happens.

It's such a horrible time that your thread has made me completely remember the hollow pain that it causes, that's how powerful it is.
In sure im not alone in that memory but we are all still here, happy again and unbothered by our twatty ex's.
Hang onto that thought.

Yes make sure the money is in a different banking group if possible.

The positive of him being gone is that there will be less ongoing tension in the house for both you and the dcs, and you don't need to keep being confronted by him just being there constantly. It gives you a bit more headspace too. It will get better. Each day will show you that you are strong and capable without him. And as he has shifted his focus from family to OW, his behaviour is likely to deteriorate. That alone will fire some anger which can help you get through the rougher parts.

Oh yes and the utter puzzlement that they show when you are pissed off!
I answered the phone to mine once in a frosty way. "What's up with you?" He asked me......it was a week after I'd found out about ow

Ledkr my experience was so like yours. I too remember the 'hollow' pain; it was like I'd been carved out on the inside. And yes, he expected me to be fucking happy for him!

How can I do this on my own?
you do it by one step at a time.
Eat something.
Keep drinking fluids (ones with calories ideally).
Cry if you must, but then get on with KOKO (keep on keeping on).
I wouldn't lie to your children, but you can take your time over telling them the full truth in an appropriate way.

That awful feeling in your chest - it honestly feels like someone is operating on you without anaesthetic. Nobody tells you that heartbreak is an actual physical pain. Daytimes aren't too bad as you can distract yourself with the minutiae of life. Nights are the worst; you can't switch off your brain so you can't sleep. You think about what's happened. You play out scenarios in your mind about them together. It's an endless loop of misery and you don't know how you'll get through the next hour, let alone the rest of your life.

So many of us have been there. We know how you feel right now. We can't take the pain away but we can tell you that it WILL get better. It takes time, but as the days go by it will gradually get easier. You'll have good days and bad days but the good days will become more frequent. Think of it as like a really horrible hangover - you feel like death at the time but you know that tomorrow you'll feel better.

Hugs op. You so strong. Eat and drink something. Have you got a friend you can visit in rl today with dc or maybe get someone to visit you. xx

So I'm going to put my credit card away and only use my debit card. In case he won't pay the bill. I have a birthday party to plan so that will occupy me.
I can do nothing tomorrow as dd is with me all day. But I can phone lawyers for appointments and pick up forms for anything I can claim.
I also NEED to get a repeat prescription as my meds run out tonight.
All the weight I've lost (and more this last few days) means I've got virtually nothing to wear either. I'll take dd to get her dress and shoes and try to pick up a few more bits for me too. If I go to asda hell assume it's food and won't be able to question it.
DH always plays squash on a Monday night so the DC won't question him not being home.

Tuesday his mums coming but not while the DC are around. Ds has a doc appointment actually which DH was going to do but guess that's not going to happen now. Might have to put mil off. Though I don't really want to. I know he's her son but I love her and she loves the DC. I don't want her to think I'm closing ranks on her too.
My further away friend is coming on Wednesday. If I can get appointments for things she can go with me for support.
I also have to confirm numbers for the party. DC at school/nursery all day.
Thursday I have a whole childfree day. Might arrange for him to pick up any other stuff then and take the kids for their tea or something out the house.

I have a friend coming this afternoon.
DC hopefully won't ask why we keep going to visit people or they're coming to us.

I'm going to email a couple of local solicitors now in the hope I can get appointments in the next few days.

Yes conker I'm ashamed to say it but I thought that my cancer might have come back during that time and I honestly didn't care. You cannot see that you will ever feel happy or even normal again can you?
And the nighttime thing is hideous, I'd fall into an exhausted often wine induced sleep and then snap awake about two hours later FUMING and planning all the violent acts I'd like to do to them and their property 🙄 Fortunately by the morning I'd normally calmed down a bit.
Apparently the chemicals in your brain are different at night to allow you to sleep, which is why the feelings are much harder to bear.

The on,y thing you have at the moment is getting your ducks in a row and keeping going.
It's amazing how much they are rocked by the sight of you getting on with things and staying strong, they like to think they've left you broken (they have) but you don't have to show the fucker that.

Fuck asda, go to phase eight 😂 Good plans, stay afloat, it's not forever.