Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Everyone adding their own biase and drama just stop it right now, yes he could move into the spare room and fuck the ow on the stairs whilst the wife is cooking tea in the kitchen but he probably won't. He'll be off into his own little world enjoying his mid life crisis whilst the op is following all the great advice and at her solicitors ASAP.

We've had the house on the market nearly a year. Even before this, it's not been a happy house. We were supposed to be moving on to our forever house.

I'm so worried about money. I'm literally not earning a penny if he goes and isn't decent about it I'll be destitute. I know he'll look after DC. But I think I'll try to go to the job centre to get some advice.
I'm going to cry over a complete stranger aren't I?

You have to phone up to claim income support, you can't go to the job centre any more without an appointment.

Listen this happened to me three years ago when I was abroad, no family mine are all dickheads, no career. Now I'm at uni, kids are good, my own house, money to spare and dating a surgeon. Likes good. I don't give him a second thought day to day.
FYI he lives in a bedsit alone 😁

Life's good I meant and it really really is

When he is gone you may well be entitled to benefits. Then there is child support. If you talk to banks etc. They may well help you with temporary measures. There is also free debt support.
There are ways to survive.

Same as pisssssed, I'm starting uni this year, will be in my own house by end of July, am doing ok financially etc (although am not dating anyone yet, let alone a surgeon!).

Don't panic, you will get through it, you just need to access the proper help.

If he goes and is bad about the money then you will be needing all the benefits etc you can get. You absolutely must get a new bank account sorted and put some funds into it.

My friend's ex is a well paid professional, very into his hobbies (like yours), left her relatively abruptly (no OW, I don't think), and has been utterly shockingly awful about money and seeing the kids. Like a different person. Really shocking.

If your friend coming on Weds is one to lean on then maybe they can help you make (and execute!) the necessary plans. You have to protect yourself.

If your friend coming on Weds is not one to lean on then I reckon you should put them off.

he went to his ow while your ds was in hpsital!?

just for that his clothes would be on the front lawn

good luck andi hope you have a good future without him

I know Gabs, isn't it awful. He is such a tosser.

Oh User do go away. You really think this cheating scumbag actually wants residency of his children FFS?

Op you are doing brilliantly.
For now, don't trust a single word that he says. The disadvantage you have is that he and this other woman have already been plotting and planning and deciding YOUR future. Fuck them. They don't get to call any shots. Secure your joint bank accounts. Get him out. Tell your MIL calmly and factually why he has gone.
Keep things simple for the kids for a few days until you catch your breath and tell them daddy is working away or staying with a friend.
Then HE puts his big boy pants on and tells the children in an age appropriate way that he's going to live somewhere else.

Lay down some very clear ground rules about contact in the short term.

He doesn't get to throw a bomb into yours and the children's lives and then get to dictate how you deal with it. Keep hold of the anger for now. Let him see that you are strong and that he deals with you as an equal, not someone who will be sitting around being told what to do.

My friend will help. She has lots of contacts so might know of a decent lawyer. She works in finance so can be practical as well as emotional support.

I have just got off the phone to DH. He's at his mums. She wants to see me. Too upset to speak directly but I appreciate the shock she'll be feeling. We have arranged to meet without DC as she'll be in pieces and I can't have that.

I am, and have been all day, amazingly calm and collected. I haven't wobbled once.

I'm so worried about ds though. He's my pfb and the most gorgeous, sensitive, worrier.
I'm not sure how we're going to tell him without him turning it on himself.

I need serious help with that script.

DH has requested appointments on a couple of 2 bed rentals. He's in the spare room for at least a couple more nights. (I know! I have read all the comments). He's going though and I told him in no uncertain terms that when he walks out my door, he's never coming back.
I can see him tripping out with his suitcase in tears and I plan to close the door behind him and fall to bits.

I've said he can come in after work to do bath and bed if he wants to. (I know!) but the DC need continuity and we have decided to wait 2 weeks till end of term to tell them. Hopefully DH will have a flat by then and we'll have something to show them. A room that's their's with some of their things in.

I need to tell school now too, don't I? They're already aware of his anxiety. What will they be thinking? My poor, poor boy

School will be thinking that you and your wee son need as much support and care as they can give you. There will be no judging and no gossiping. Use them to help you support DS.

the sooner you tell them the better and explain its nothing to do with them u both love them and its grown up stuff

mummy and daddy will always be there but just not tin the same house

I've just read all the way through OP,I'm so sorry what a pair of utter wankers they are!

I have a friend that went though the same as your going through,her and her DH had been together for years,they had 2DC they got married and within weeks of the wedding he left and said he'd met someone else we were all really angry with him,we couldn't believe it,it had come out of no where.
His parents were very close to my friend and her MIL and FIL both turned up at the house sobbing bless them,they took my friends side from the start,they were really amazing and stood by her and helped out as much as they could.

I split up with my first husband,we had 2DC they were 4 and 2 at the time,no one else involved,I ended it because he was an abusive bully.I was really worried about what his family would be like because I was really close to his Dad and stepsisters,I was close friends with one of his brothers and I'd been really close to his Mum(before we lost her)and his auntie and uncle and his cousins.But they were amazing,his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend rang me within days off the split and told me they knew the split wasn't my fault and if I ever needed anything I just had to ask.
That was 16 years ago this year and his brother still calls me his sister and we're still really good friends and I keep intouch with his Dad,Dad's girlfriend,his Stepsisters and his Auntie.
Some familys are really good at seeing the truth and reacting appropriately no matter who they're blood lays with,I hope your Inlaws are those kinds of people,they sound like they are

I'm so worried about money. I'm literally not earning a penny if he goes and isn't decent about it I'll be destitute. I know he'll look after DC. But I think I'll try to go to the job centre to get some advice.
I'm going to cry over a complete stranger aren't I?

Money is always a huge worry in these situations. However, IIRC you mentioned that you have an ongoing illness/medical issue in which case yuou may be entitled to additional benefits (if you aren't already claiming) but social security office will talk you through this nd how it applies to your specific cirmcumstance.

Good that you are taking a friend with you - it always helps to have someone there who is not part of it.

xx

I've sat tonight and at least gone through the joint account statement.
I know a bit more about spends; though concerned he's taken £450 in cash out in the last month or so. Never paid the slightest attention before

Looked at entitled to website and I won't be destitute but probably in need of a food bank if it went badly.
I am being cautious but I believe that I can do this. I have discovered strength that I didn't know I had and I'm sure DH is already wondering who this woman is. I know I am.

I'm aware I'll stumble at some stage. I've had about 6 hrs broken sleep in the last 4 days and eaten about 400 cals on average if I'm lucky.

I'm so grateful to have this forum for advice, shared stories and as a vent when I'm trying so hard to keep composed and dignified.

So thank you all, especially those who were awake with me in the early hours. You all helped me put my big girl pants on this morning and face the hardest day so far.

Let's see what tomorrow brings

Whatever you thought this man was. Forget. He is not the man you knew and you must not put anything past him.

It is a huge mistake to think, Oh he wouldn't do that.

Yes he would. And he will.

You are doing tremendously op, but please try and nourish yourself and get some sleep. You need to stay healthy to get through this.

Do not let him come home for bath and bedtimes - if he wants contact he picks up on the doorstep and takes away and brings back. No exceptions.

The husband won't get the kids because this OW wants him and him alone, callous women like her don't raise other people's kids.

She's already left her husband yet he's still trying to stay at your house OP, this seems a bit strange, I wonder what the rush was for her to leave her husband if you husband wasn't planning on leaving yet? I wonder if her husband found out somehow and threw her out?

smilingeyes11

Do not let him come home for bath and bedtimes - if he wants contact he picks up on the doorstep and takes away and brings back. No exceptions.

I agree with this. Start as you mean to go on. Once he has gone I would not allow him back over the threshold.

It can trigger all sorts of problems. He sees something you have bought or even been given to you and either kids off about it himself or tells the other woman and she kicks off and then they start baffling over finances. It's not worth it.

I don't think it's fair on the children either if daddy can pop round for bath and bedtime but not stay and you are more likely to get tears and asking for daddy to stay.

Once daddy has gone they will get used to seeing daddy at his place.

I don't have any advice but I've read the thread all the way through and I just wanted to say that I think you're incredibly brave. It sounds like you are being very strong and dignified and putting your children first. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Once he's moved out he'll not get back in but for the next week or two I need my DC to carry on oblivious. That won't happen if I don't do this.

2nds I believe he did. Found some messages on her phone.

Ah so this throws some light on the whole business about your OH deciding to let you know about the affair. I'm now wondering if him finding out has forced your husband into making a decision he might not necessarily have made? They've been bed hopping a few months now so I'm wondering if he was happy enough letting the affair continue as it was and her husband finding out has thrown a spanner in the works?

This might be the real reason behind the crocodile tears.

'It can trigger all sorts of problems. He sees something you have bought or even been given to you and either kids off about it himself or tells the other woman and she kicks off and then they start baffling over finances. It's not worth it'

Absolutely!

Also he's already siphoning money out the joint account get that stopped now! Open your own account and do a bit of your own siphoning!

As for he wouldn't screw the kids? Mine left me penniless with a 2 yr old.

And I'm not just going on my experience. Relationships board is full of similar and in real life I've seen it happen repeatedly - and with the access to the house I've known I guys who've emptied purses and taken jewellery, share certificates all sorts BE ON ALERT