Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Agree with previous posters, do you have to sell your house? If you would prefer to stay there with DC you can until they are 18. Also think you should NOT allow him to pick and choose when and where he goes. He opened this can of worms and maybe your ds will settle if he has been picking up on OH's moods.

2nds - it doesn't do you any good that's why you don't bother.

mummy is right. This man is no longer your friend, don't trust him. I've read plenty of threads on here to know this man is following a well read script. Next thing you'll be the bad guy which means he will be able to treat you terribly and with no guilt about it.
Put your kids and yourself first, don't think about him and the OW they've made their bed. Don't contact her, you have nothing to gain and it will only make you feel worst.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, a friend once told me "My wife left me because she thought the grass was greener and I found out that it is!"

No, there's far more important things to concentrate on, rather than upping the drama and having it out with ow. It's dh that's done the damage here, and op needs to concentrate on her own and her children's well being.

Quote from what's going on eh ( nice to hear from you again ;-) Just be ice-cold and calm about it. Use his own words and wishes against him. He wants to leave? Then he LEAVES. He doesn't happily get to peruse the rental agencies at a leisurely pace, with you waiting on him at home, asking how he got on. FUCK THAT SHIT. Get the suitcases and bin liners out and start his packing for him.

I realise that sounds terrifying, but it's not. You are helping him achieve his desires, you are helping him follow his happiness. Push him out of the door. Selfish walker.

Made me laugh...but yes after a 30 year marriage I had the same scenario...only he would not confess to an OW. He kept that pretence up for 10 months. The fat twat only told me on Christmas day!!!

I held it together for the kids and gathered them together on boxing day only to find out my sons already knew.

You know OP , so thank heavens to Betsy...the ball is In your court.
See a solicitor on Monday. I interviewed three and went with the one who offered a 60:40 split, who thought it might go 70:30 . In fact it was more like 72: 28.
We had no dependents though.

My little shit was supposed to go 50:50 on the cost of the divorce and while we were waiting for his half he totally filed against me. My solicitor was furious but at least he got to pay all costs and although it put us on a back foot I came out of it well.

Anyway I've jumped ahead of myself. You know. Rip the plaster off. That ten months really took its toll of me while he pretended to make things up. We were going out for meals, cinema etc and then running off to OW at weekends with our precious grandson. ( I love you but not in love with you bollocks)

To keep things as stable as for the kids I'd try to stay in the house. You've got enough on your plate. Move when you feel ready not when he dictates and as other wise posters say don't expect him to adhere to any previously made promises once she has her financial claws into him.

When my exh got with second OW ( after first one had got sick of the pick me dance and married someone else) she steered him towards divorce so gradually all his promises came to an end bit by then I was emotionally and financially stronger.

So yes get all your financial documents up to date , stop them getting their hands on your money and use this time wisely to make the best decisions for you as it will get messy.

But when it's over you will be stronger and the future will be brighter.

I say this from the comfort of my cosy bed, having just had my breakfast brought to me by my lovely husband of nearly a year that is worth ten of the little shit the first one turned into.

It's all to play for.
Good luck. Be strong( you are.) cry when you need too and act in your own best interests.

Put your oxygen mask on first, before you help anyone else ;-)

Fantastic advice Dowser

I've told him to leave. He's taking DC to an activity and coming back for lunch as normal then I think he's going to see his parents.
His mum will be devastated 😢 He thinks she'll want to see me and he knows I'd want that too. Although I won't be able to look her in the face. I've said she'll need to wait till after bedtime if she's phoning or coming over because she won't be able to hold it together in front of DC.

Dd wanted to look at photos this morning and grabbed an album off the shelf. It was full of our wedding photos. I sat with her while she flicked through it saying who everyone was. I was ok. He had to leave the room.

I need to tell my sister. We're not close really but she's the only family I have now. Apart from my amazing friends.
I would normally text but that seems a bit harsh. I don't want her showing up (she can be a bit direct ) esp as the DC don't know yet.

Is it ok to leave that for a day or 2.

I can't do la till Tuesday. I'm in Scotland so don't know if that makes a difference.

Have a friend with me most of the day Wednesday.

You don't have to leave the house, you don't have to sell the house, you may be entitled to more than 50% of it too and he may have to support you to pay toward the mortgage as part of maintenance for his children.

Do NOT let him dictate to you regarding finances, even if it seems he is helping you to organise things- he has lied and you can now only assume he will continue to do so to fund his new life with OW.

Keep things objective.

I'm not going to comment on talking to OW or her DH- I honestly don't know what I'd do as its hugely emotive.

Tuesday will be fine, but please promise me you'll go and take the solicitors advice?

Pack his stuff for him whilst he is out then OP.

He is quite likely to change his mind about leaving whilst he is out, especially as he will probably be on the phone to OW for some of that time.

If you can't face the whole truth yet, tell the DC he is going to stay with MIL for a while to help them do (insert most believable thing)

Stay strong. Remember he chose for it to be like this. He has his life all mapped out...............

whilst he is away at the activity start putting some things in a bag. he will come back and there will be some urgent reason why he cant go today.

he wants to go, so you help him to do it.

look its crap and horrible the first time you have to face people but there is only one first time and once you have done it, it is out of the way and done.

the sooner the truth of what he is really doing hits him the better.

this is all about you now, not him. you are the one in control.

You're doing so well.

Do make sure first thing Monday call tax credits, or can that be done today?., and council tax etc to update that you are now single.

The Relationships board is littered with posters who have been in your situation and who were convinced that their Exes would be reasonable and fair, only to find themselves being fucked over financially further down the line.

Separating couples argue about money more than they argue about their kids. Sad but true.

OP I'm glad you are being strong. Was thinking about this thread when I was out this morning and I hoped I would come back to good news, and I did. You sound really positive and incredibly strong. xx

He had to leave the room whilst your daughter looked at your wedding album?

You are well shot of him! What a self indulgent big baby he is!

No thought for you just himself.

Use his pathetic actions and words to remind you not what you are losing but what you will gain when he has gone.

Hopefully Scottish posters can advise a bit about financial splits (im in England) till you see a solicitor.

Have you any rl friends who've been through this who can advise on a solicitor. I stayed away from my friends one, who she said was useless.
I got one of the best and not surprisingly so did he and we both went out of town. He obviously didn't want any of his masonic mates knowing his dirty little secrets.

It cost us £20,000 though :-(
We went for a clean break. He wanted to keep his finger on the house and make me sell when I was 60 . And pay some maintainance .My solicitor wasn't having any of that. He could stop working or die she said.
Well he did.
I would have been well stuffed.

You are doing just great op. I wish I'd had mn 12 years ago but I did have a bevy of friends whose shoulders I cried on regularly.

Hang on in there .kids are great to ake you out of yourself . My gorgeous baby grandson lived with me for the first five years and the other one lived next door. So barely a dull moment. He was the loser.
He gave up so much. When he died he had three amazing grandchildren that he didn't know.
He lived in his second wife's house having to mind his p and qs bringing up her kids when ours were all grown. He died a very unhappy man.

Onwards and upwards eh?

His poor mum . She will be worried she won't see so much of the kids or you could meet someone in the future and move.

It's hard on the gps.

I remember years ago when my cousin broke his marriage up withs affair and his wife ( who gave up her parents and country to be with him) cried on my aunts shoulder that she washed he was dead.

I know how she felt but she got strongly rebuked for that. Thankfully she happily remarried and with no children of her own became a step grandmother so she got her happy ending too but without grand children it was harder to keep the relationship going.

God luck with today op.

Baby steps.

Oh massive well done on telling him to go love.

We're all behind you

Onit, I have a very 'direct' sister too - she was a saviour.
She was very good at stopping me from being sucked back in & keeping me focused.

Agree with everyone else, take control - he chose this. It's like a series of plasters being ripped off and each one will hurt like hell, but each one is necessary and you feel a bit better each time.

Solicitor ASAP, and don't agree to anything without impartial advice.
He may turn out to be true to his word wrt you & the kids (mine has), but always work on assumption that he won't.

It will get worse before it gets better probably, but that's ok - it will be fine in the end; you will be ok in the future.

Good, he's going.

If you have a banking App, get on it and transfer money.

The worst I've ever heard is when men clear bank account out on way out door, leaving people short of money to feed kids.

I think advise about getting moving quickly is best. Sooner this is done, sooner you and DC can rebuild your lives.

He's a shit.

You are some woman!

I love this site at times like this.

I had to name change for a thread recently & got so much support.

You're going to make it xxxx

Good - stick to getting him OUT. I firmly believe he and ow have thoroughly discussed and planned what to do and when. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already sought legal advice (that might be what's behind not wanting to leave immediately).

Pp's have made reference to wives that were screwed. That was me.

Swore blind he wouldn't see dd suffer/short.
Emptied bank account 2 days after I kicked him out.
Took car in middle of night.
Dodged maintenance for 2.5 years still doesn't pay reliably 13 YEARS later.
Sat on divorce to avoid marrying her but told her it was me doing this.
Flirted with me while she was pregnant with their child. Inc telling me he loved me and she was just a shag (they've now been married 7 years and he still tells me that - was trying to get into my knickers day before their wedding)
Denied ow until 7 YEARS after split, claimed they got together after we split to point of falsely claiming their baby was premy.
Told others he left as I was 'nuts' and impossible to live with.
Told others I screwed him financially - inc his mother.

Be VERY careful re in laws - mine were sympathetic initially but I made the mistake of forgetting he was their son and I was nothing to them.

He is NOT your friend
He is NOT the man you married.

On the plus side - he's thoroughly miserable, their marriage is a joke (he repeatedly cheats on her), she feels trapped as they now have 3 dc, but he got sacked is now sahd so if she left he'd likely get residency.

I agree with remembering that the in laws might side with him. If the OW us manipulative in anyway she might get her feet under the table with your Mil, be prepared for this to go either way. The OW also is childless for now, buy she might have kids to him so you've got to be prepared for any news like that too.

These are good points about him possibly already seeking legal advice.

Is she rich? I'm asking because if she had a mortgage with her OH then isn't she liable to pay her part of the mortgage if her OH stays at their marital home, does anyone know how that works? So if she's having to pay for half a mortgage and they end up renting and he has to pay you maintenance plus he loses out on the house is that not a very expensive love affair?

If she has a mortgage with her OH then she's jointly liable for the debt, but in practice that doesn't necessarily mean she will have to keep paying it in the immediate future. He may agree to buy her out or take a lodger. If not then she can refuse to pay and force the sale of the house - then they'd split the equity.
She and your H only need a 1 bedroom flat - don't lose sight of that. You should insist on staying in your home if it has no more than 3 bedrooms.

If the husband gets the children though then he will need the house and she will need to mvoe out and work to support the children paying maintenance to the husband who has the children - that may well not be what is ordered but it is not that unusual these days.

Also the husband cnanot be forced out of the house if he doesn't want to until all the divorce finances are over and settled.