Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Ok - stop!!!

Do not sell your house.
Do not move out of the family home. Do not do a DIY divorce.

He is leaving you. He has to pay your divorce costs. It won't cost you any money upfront.

If you carry on the way you are he will shaft you and then shaft you again, all the time saying "What have I done wrong?"

You are selling your children's home without providing a suitable alternative, hence why DH can say he wants to go a his DC a nice home.

Stop. Dig your heels in. Conduct your divorce through a solicitor.

I've been following your thread without much experience to add much. My BIL (lawyer) has been reading the thread too and says, 'she should do what VanillaSugar says. He's not a gentleman, there can be no gentleman's agreement. Do NOT liquidise the family home'. All I can say is that you're a truly courageous woman and you've done nothing wrong - that will surely be evident to unbiased observers. Good luck

MN advice also stopped me from being hugely shafted by my then H in a very similar way (which is why I'm moved to post here).

Once I'd got myself a good SHL it helped take much of the fear of the future away because every stunt he tried to pull in every way, she had seen it all before. I was surprised at how quickly the tables turned from him seeming to have all the cards to me taking charge of the process with him running to catch me up, in the end - and that helped me to feel considerably more assertive. I also began to grieve too, which helped. I think that whilst I was doing the "how could the man I thought I knew so well, do these things I'd never have thought possible of him" he ended up thinking exactly the same about me because I forced him to treat me with respect, by taking the driving seat. As someone here once said to me, this man is no longer your friend and he does not have your best interests at heart so your have to harden yours and secure yourself and your DC's against his selfishness.

I'm telling you this because I'm way out the other side now onit.

Take your home of the market, (or at least ask your solicitor their advice about it before you accept any offers) don't do anything major now apart from starting divorce proceedings, you're in shock still and you will make mistakes you could come to regret later.

He is a cunt though, I agree.

Wow...some wise words there bonnet.

Your home is your only security right now ...it's up to you ...but I'd be fighting to keep it..at least till the dust has settled.

Wow...just read page 35

That's puts a whole new perspective on it bonnet.

No deal !

I've been following your thread onit with no experience to comment. But if I were in your position I would hold onto the house, speak through solicitors only regardingassets, equity, custody of DC etc. He seems to be playing a devious game and at least if you play by the rules you can't get burned. I'm sorry you are going through this but you are being so strong and I wish you the best of luck.

Just to add another voice saying PLEASE get proper legal advice and use it throughout.

Property systems differ in Scotland as well - once you agree to a sale you are committed, I believe, unlike England where you can pull out up until exchange. So you absolutely must be extremely careful now.

ONIT

Are you alright my lovely?

Whatever else you do, ring the agent, tell them the sale is off. Sorry, but for personal reasons. End of.

What on earth did you read last night? Where was it? On his emails on the old iPad

The comment he made about leaving DD home alone while he went to see her - he'd never have unsupervised contact with my kids again. It's unfortunate if getting this out in the open makes life more difficult for the STBXHOWDH but your kids come first.

Oh and as for not discussing it with his parents, screw that, they'd be getting it chapter & verse, along with copies of these emails.

BUT

Think things through. Wait as long as you can to let STBEXDH know what you know, more might come out.

But call the agent ASAP.

I know buying/selling in Scotland is different, but hopefully nothing is is signed yet.

Can only reiterate others advice. Go minimum contact, ignore anything regarding divorce from him, just essential kids related messages. You hold a lot more cards than you think, but you really must detach, trust your solicitor and get tough. He's playing dirty, he's not your friend. Keep strong, I've been where you are and you will get through this. Hope you managed some sleep.

Personally - I'd say the same - don't sell and stay there for the next 2 years, which is what you said could happen. I think I said this earlier. By selling, the money will be put into his bank account on the sale date unless you have 50/50 ownership then it'll be split. If he's agreed for you to use all the money to buy another place what's to say he's not stringing you along to get the house sale put through then he changes his mind last minute. Your buyers want a fast turnaround. Presumably too fast for you to buy somewhere at the same time so you'll go into rented for a bit. You won't be able to claim housing benefit or any other benefit as you'll have too much money. While that money is sitting there and not in property he can put a claim on it. Far too risky. The house sale money will go to whoever's name is on the deeds of the house. Is that solely his or both yours? Even if both you won't get all the money and you'll be dependent on him sticking to his word. And frankly his word is worth nothing. I also don't think if you got some kind of solicitor's letter drawn up to what he's agreed it will hold up if he changed his mind.

I'd stay put for two years. After that drag your heels on any further house sale so you might get 3 years out of it. In that time you can get yourself well, retrain, get a job and hopefully another mortgage. It might not be an ideal house but it's home and right now I don't think you need a big upheaval. Decorate, get rid of his stuff, buy some new furniture, move things around if he's still a reminder of the place.

Yes! As above. You need a sealed court order outlining maintenance, contact, maintenance, maintenance, maintenance.

My exDH stopped paying maintenance in DD's 17th birthday. I had the sealed court order from the divorce so I took him to court. He didn't have a leg to stand on. Without that official court order, I'd have been buggered.

Don't forget that OW now wants a claim on his cash. Sign it, seal it, slam the door on her tits.

Don't trust him. Don't proceed without a solicitor. Don't risk this.

Solicitors tomorrow morning.
No time now but will catch up later.
Offer accepted but nothing signed yet.
Spoke to IFA today who's getting back to me tomorrow too.
Second viewing of crumby but fix-upable house near school tomorrow afternoon.

Oh bonnet please don't buy a house that needs work and money...you don't k ow what sort of hornets nest you're uncovering and believe me where's there one little problem, there's usually a bigger one underneath.

Friends of ours bought a very substantial looking old house because they loved the garden. It cost them £50,ooo extra . Practically all their savings as the gable end was about to collapse...there was no joist in the roof. How that had been missed in the survey god only knows.

I would do what everyone else here is suggesting just to piss him off now. Stay put and let him try to evict his own children.

I hope your solicitor comes out fighting for you.

Onit is there any chance that your husband has an alcohol problem too? I hate to say this because I have no wish to offend anyone but some alcoholics crave the company of other alcoholics.

As for him saying he'd leave the DD in the house alone, joking or not I'd still show your solicitor those messages. If you don't fight your corner they might just walk all over you.

I'm here.
I'll work my way back.
2nds it's possible he has an alcohol problem. He drinks most nights. Maybe just a beer but lately gin and (her favourite) whisky.
He has certainly appeared hungover at most pickups. Certainly unshaven and scruffy. But this might be his look these days.

Im aware I'm leaving myself vulnerable but I want to move. I want my DC to be near other kids and families. I want a fresh start away from this house and it's terrible memories. I have lots of evidence of his agreement about the equity and he states it in his draught separation agreement.

A friend advised me tonight to stop communicating with him. And she's right. And probably lots of you were too.
I will not communicate from now on unless it is a specific query regarding my immediate attention for the wellbeing of my DC.

I wish I had listened weeks ago.

I have read through this thread again and am amazed how many times I appear to have ignored advice given. Not because I don't value it but because it goes against my natural reaction to things.
I should have a coach beside me.
I'm not cut out for this.
I am not going to do well in this if I don't listen.
To that end I will wait until I see my lawyer tomorrow and get some detail from them and also from my IFA before I sit down and revisit my wants and needs for our future happiness.

I have also vowed to stop checking his emails after 9pm. I should say 6pm.

I need to start eating and sleeping
I want to start running properly and I'm pissed off that I can do it because I'm not nourishing myself enough. I feel faint most days (thought weight loss has stalled)

I miss my gorgeous DC. I hate that they're with him.
Ds is still asking why daddy won't come home and why he doesn't want to be in our family anymore.
He almost didn't stay at his dad's tonight again.
He hates the bunk beds.
It's not home.
H put his mattress in the floor to help and ds ended up sleeping in h's bed. This is his 4th overnight and he's ended in h's bed twice and come home once.
I told h tonight that he needs to tell ds that he doesn't have to stay. He can come home at any time.
It is best if he feels he has a choice in the matter. Though I don't think it's that he doesn't want to stay, it's that he's wondering where I am.
He wants his family and he can't have it.
Anyway, I really need to go to bed. I'll check in tomorrow when I can.

Also have second viewing on the fixer-upper. Taking a friend and her handy dh to see what work needs done and get an idea of costs.

Night

Of course it goes against your natural instincts to toughen up and treat him the way he has treated you.thats because you are a nice person! Don't berate yourself for not being hard enough-your personality didn't change over night-wether his did or not.
Best of luck today-take lots of notes, ask lots of questions. I hope the solicitor will give you a bit more clarity on what's best to do (and that it will make you feel a bit better as I think your position is stronger than you might have thought).

You sound like you've done some wise reflecting.
I'm going to say good luck for today.
Can't remember if this is your first visit to solicitor or not . Remember I went with the one who told me I should get 60- 40 . I actually got about 72 per cent.
So, if you're told it's a flat rate of 50-50 then maybe you need to look elsewhere. I saw two young women who both said 50-50. I asked a friend who had managed his two divorces. He gave me a name. His second wife caved when she knew who he had. She was thorough but I still had to provide a lot of the evidence of his lies ( naturally ) . It was hard work and there was stuff that only came to light on the day of the court hearing.
I handed her a file of his Internet forum activity and she rushed straight out the room with it...to the judge or his solicitor...I don't know but I wish I'd been a fly on the wall in the judges private chambers.

So good luck for today.
Maybe ask the question...how hard will you fight for me...you're paying for it after all.
There won't have been much hand out of £20,000 for our divorce 8 years ago.

Hand...change

I have a list of questions and my list of wants.

I have a draft separation agreement with my notes added.
I have his draft version which I have made notes on too.

I'm just getting ready to leave.
Any last minute suggestions?

No last minute suggestions but good luck

I have tried 4 lawyers. The 4th is very good and has got me through all the 8 years post divorce fuckery.

Don't expect the first to be the final one. Go away more informed. Then try another. Weigh each one up. You don't have to like them but you do need to trust that they will be equal to the task and protect you from him (from yourself too).

Probably too late now but I'd ask how watertight a signed agreement that he will allow you to use all the equity to buy somewhere else is. I could be wrong but I don't think it would be worth much if the deeds are in his name or if 50/50 and he changes his mind I think he might be able to claim it. I just feel you could be left stranded if he changed his mind. A court could freeze the money while it's sorted out if he changed his mind. You could end up in rented with half the money, no benefits coming in so dipping into savings all the time. The kids are at school now so there'll ample opportunity to socialise after school even if you don't go straight home, or invite people round or they go to theirs. Do you drive? also it sounds like the dad wants them regularly so presumably will be making arrangements to pick them up from school come Sept the days he has them?