Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

How watertight is his agreement to give all equity? How watertight can lawyer make it?

My worry is sale will go through and then he'll stop purchase is new house, take half cash, leaving you high and dry with kids. Don't proceed unless it's entirely safe to do so.

Hope it's good news ;-)

Bonnet?

Bump

Lawyer suggested drafting a separation agreement purely based on the financials in order to proceed with the house sale.
I know you've all said not to but it's ultimately what I think is best for me and the DC.
My reasons for moving are not changed from before separation.
I saw a house for a second viewing today and really want it. It's 2 minutes from school, across from the park and DC will have school friends on the doorstep.
I went with a friend and her DH and they both think it's perfect for us too.

LCB and I are meeting to discuss things tomorrow night.
I have the upper hand I believe as he knows he can't sell without my say so and he knows I'm ambivalent about the sale. (He isn't aware of my interest in this little house)
I have also suggested that I might be willing to forfeit rights to his pension (or part of) if he will agree to a larger share of equity coming to me.

Myself and lawyer agree that it also gives me leverage when we discuss custody if financials are already legally binding.
He can't punish me if I refuse to agree to his contact demands. As once the separation agreement is signed it can't be revisited.
I also have the transcript of messages he and ow sent when he suggested leaving 5 year old dd alone to go to ow and that he cared more about seeing ow than about his ds being hospitalised.
I told lawyer that I had told LCB that I didn't trust him with the DC but hadn't told him why. I so want to and I'm concerned that by not disclosing this my parenting might be called into question.
Lawyer suggested not but I also said I wanted to tell LCB as soon as possible after financials are agreed.
Lawyer suggested I could potentially remove contact altogether. Certainly would have an argument for no unsupervised visits.
Not sure my DC would benefit from being removed from him but I must admit I like having the ammunition.

Didn't hear from the IFA today but hope to hear tomorrow as I plan to put a note of interest and a verbal offer in on the house I saw today. It would be nice to know I can actually afford it

He wants to treat this as a business transaction and I actually hope I can do that tomorrow night.
I actively loath him. I wish I could live the rest of my life without ever seeing him again. And I hate that I can't.
I told him at our last meeting that if he hadn't been such a coward and told me he was unhappy before he started an affair with my friend, then it's perfectly possible we could've stayed on amicable terms.
But, he didn't even respect me or our family enough to do that. He had to lie and cheat and deceive. Because of that I'll never forgive him. And he has to accept that as one of the many consequences of this.

DC were at his last night and ds was difficult. He spent a lot of time saying he wanted to come home and then wanting to stay.
LCB moved the mattress from dcs bunk bed, into the spare room on the floor. But ds wouldn't settle and finally ended up in LCBs bed.
They've had 4 overnights at their dads and he's come home once and slept in LCBs bed twice.
I had issues tonight as well though. He wanted daddy to come home. But we talked it through and he gets that it's no ones fault, it's just daddy's grown up decision. It's not about him or his sister, daddy just doesn't love mummy anymore and doesn't want to live with her.

I fucking hate this.

And LCB thinks he's the only one with the dcs at heart? What a fucking joke.

Sorry folks. Not enough hours in the day

Good progress. Sounds like the lawyer might be a keeper. Massive good luck for tonight.

Well done OP, it looks promising. Don't flame me, because I have your best interests at heart, but why are you seeing him to discuss. I think negotiations should be with lawyers from now on. No contact saved my sanity when I was in your shoes five years ago. You say you don't want to see him, so do you have to? We have three kids, and although they are older than yours, they had as much contact with their dad as they wanted whilst I went minimal contact then virtually no contact. Only had convos with him kid related in the past five years, probably five at the most. He wanted us to stay friends but I found this way really helped me move on and heal. There are so many strong women on here who have been where you are and you will be ok, . Just think you are paying a solicitor, get them to do the talking and ignore him as much as poss.

Lawyer stuff sounds positive onit. Hopefully you will feel stronger when you discuss with him later. If it's too hard seeing him why not go through it via mediation.i felt that helped me a but as my ex can be very bullish ( though he has now decided it's pointless and won't attend any more).

I know you hate him and you are right to.But i would caution against thinking that the dc will also feel that way.He hasn't hurt them (in their eyes, yet-though they might feel it when they are old enough to work it out), the way he has hurt you-to them he is just daddy.you don't want them to feel torn between the two of you or worse that you are preventing them having a relationship with him. I wish my kids never had to see my ex.i hate it when they are gone. He is a massive Disney dad and it does my head in.On Friday he implied that it would actually be a good thing when he eventually tells them about ow (my former best friend) as she has so many good qualities, they will only benefit from the relationship! This about a woman who lied to me in the worst possible of ways for nearly two years!I sometimes am quite close to wishing him dead.but the girls know nothing of that, to them he is just their dad and they love him. I know it's bloody hard.
House sounds good-little project to focus on might be just the ticket.

Go through this pension thing with a fine tooth comb bonnet.
I spoke to Jeremy Woolf after my divorce . I gave up the pension for the house but we both agreed igot a good deal..
Have a look here.

www.divorcelifeline.co.uk/our-services/
My house was valued at £175,000. I was entitled to half. So that was £85,000 . In effect I got the other £85,000. My exh pension was £50,000. Jeremy was quite astonished how his pension was so low. Based on those figures igot a good deal.

Whether he managed to hide some pension , he'd been a lot of years self employed. I don't know. I don't know if that's possible . By the time we got divorced he'd been working in the UAE for about a year but as we were separated by then I don't even know if that would come into it.

Anyway, I felt better chatting to someone about it.

Cary
I have to see him in order to avoid massive legal fees. I'm not entitled to legal aid.
Good point about mediator though.
If it doesn't go well tonight, I may suggest that as an option.

Conkers I know the DC don't hate him. And probably won't. I will not do or say anything to change their opinion of him. He's their daddy. They love him.
Ds is tricky as he doesn't understand why. And it's hard to get him to open up as he just says he doesn't want to talk about it (like father like son, I suppose ) because he doesn't want to be sad.
I guess I'm just struggling to sell the positives as I actually can't see any.
The only thing is that, now he's no longer conducting his affair instead of being at home with me and his DC, he is not absent from their lives.
Not much to work with there.

If anyone has any experience to share I'd appreciate the ideas.

dowser I'm hoping to negotiate pensions as we just keep our own. I have a wee pension but it'll be peanuts compared with his. But I have something.
I hope his is as good as I think it might be as it could be a big bargaining chip.
I really don't want his pension. I want as much as o can get now to get us a home and make it comfortable for DC and me.
And I don't want to be paying a mortgage for the next 25 years which is essentially giving him back his maintenance every month.

My two don't really talk much about it all.Just say they are fine and crack on with it.I can't tell if they are actually fine, or they are just saying so because it's easier or they don't want to upset me. It's all very hard.
Your kids are a bit younger I think?
I guess it will all soon become the new normal for them-that's the positive.As long as day to day the effect on them isn't massive-which it won't be-they will still do the things they like doing, see you both etc, then they will probably adapt surprisingly well. I worry about what will happen in my case when they work out of themselves the real truth of what's gone on-which may also be true for you.In my case that's inevitable because of the people involved. But actually it will be their relationship with him that suffers-it will be just be hard having to watch that and pick up the pieces, particularly as I don't see me being ever really ok with what's happened however much I'm trying to be.

Best of luck for seeing him tonight anyway. You are (still) doing so well.

onit

You're doing well 💐

Do you thnk your lawyer is Rotweiller enough? Or do you need to see a couple more for 30 free minutes.

If you do go for the house spend the money & get two FULL surveys done. They'll be worth every penny.

IF it was me, I'd be making excuses for him to visit the kids at your house, going hard out to get the financial signed & sealed, then going for supervised contact, there's enough about your ExDH that would genuinely worry me about his ability to keep the kids safe, let alone happy. If you leave it too long to present the evidence then there's more reason for supervised contact not to be granted.

Hope were not overloading you bonnet but no one wants to see anyone done done when they've done nothing wrong and yet end up in this situation.

Yes, you need a thorough survey on the new house.
A friend knew she had a roof problem and the surveyor didn't even go into the loft.

People were paying good money for that.

In Scotland sellers have to pay for a survey for a home report.
The wee house (I've verbally offered on ) has a potential problem with the roof but the surveyor didn't even visually inspect it due to site restrictions . I guess as its a felted roof it is likely it will need regular maintenance anyway and that's why the surveyor has classed it category 2.
My friend lives in a similar property and had hers done recently so I have factored in that cost to my offer. I've also accounted for a new kitchen to replace the 30? year old one that's there now.
It's a mid terrace so unlikely to fall down, thankfully.

Have had a message from LCB about our discussions tonight. We've exchanged drafts of our separation agreement. It is likely we'll agree those terms fairly quickly but he's pushing to discuss the DC tonight.
I haven't replied but really don't want to get into that chat tonight. It will weaken my financial position and he must be aware of that.
I will plead tiredness and suggest a mediator for future discussions about children.

I've no idea if my lawyer is a rotweiller. How can you tell?
I will make another appointment after tonight with the same guy, if it all goes amicably.; and with a different one if not. Just to keep my options open.
My LCB definitely wants to do this the cheapest way and he's already shown he's not averse to doing the separation agreement through one lawyer. And mine will be cheaper than his I think.

You can't do it with one lawyer bonnet. Who's he going to fight for..whose side is he going to be on.
You could be done down just cos he thinks exh is offering a fair offer.
I would be very wary of that.

Just my gut feeling.
Obviously it's nicer if negotiations go smoothly but if you want someone to fight your corner ...you need your own army I would think.

Felt roofs are a bit of a nuisance. But if you've set your heart on it..then go for it. Mum hasn't replaced her flat roof in 40 years but it has had repairs. I replaced my garage one once in 40 years.
Can you insulate your roof?

Good idea about postponing chat about kids. Cor, he's pushy isn't he. So much has happened in just over a month isn't it?
I would want a full inspection of that roof before I would go ahead with the sale.
Don't want you buying a pig in a poke. Honestly, I would insist on it. If they want the sale they would comply.
What do site restrictions mean.
If the roof needs a full repair at some stage is it because you would be encroaching on neighbours terrace.
My mums in a mid terrace but you can access
Her garden front and back... I don't understand.
I would want ' my guy' to go over that house with a fine tooth comb before any,ones left my account.
My DH had an o,d bungalow. They had two surveys. Surveyor squeezed himself into tiny loft space to Inspect roof. Another one came to check for damp and found dry rot. We had to lower the price by £1000 to fix the floor.
House was originally £107,000 and they eventually got it for £94,000 so forking out now may save you some money.

I knew my lawyer was a rotweiller when she rubbed her hands together and said, "I'm going to enjoy this" in response to my list of unreasonable behaviour examples. She was brilliant, got me all the house and one of his pensions. She was always one step ahead of him, dug her heels in and ripped his solicitor to shreds. Tiny little lady, but my god she knew her stuff.

I handled my separation agreement / divorce all through one solicitor (mine). But then again exdh trusted me not to screw him over so didn't use one.

I'm unsure Bonnet why you won't discuss childcare with your ex and why you want to push it to mediation - medication is for people who can't agree (and will cost you). Do you know he is pushing for more contact than you are happy with? Only asking as it seems silly to push it to mediation when you may be ok with what he is proposing childcare wise (apologies if i have missed something in the thread - I have been an avid follower :) ).

Its likely he is pushing for the child access chat as he is scared that you will withold access or something - he's prob been told horror stories of bitter ex wives etc.

In my experience of lawyers for divorce there is rotweiller and there is shit hot. A shit hot lawyer will be quick and know his / her stuff and will work to get you the nest deal - they will also have excellent negotiation skills (aprt of their job with be liasing with your ex's lawyer). Beware of Lawyers who are hell bent on getting as much as they can from you - they do this by making your divorce worse than it needs to be / pushing everything to court / telling you not to agree to anything. remember, the more messy your divorce - the more they get out of you!

Please get your own solicitor OP. The other posters have hit the nail on the head about a solicitor potentially favouring him over you.

conkers how long ago did he leave? Just wondering how long is acceptable to insist ow stays the fuck away.

Onit, just read the whole thread and I think you are an amazingly strong women. I work for a kitchen/joinery company if you have any questions about the kitchen etc for the house just ask

mrsbrightside I've seen his proposed contact rota which he sent to his solicitor.
He wants every weekend and a night through the week and a dinner (or something like that. I was so gobsmacked I've tried to block it out)
I'm offering (term time) every other weekend and one or 2 dinners (on a 2 week rota)
When they're at school it's very similar in the split we have now (similar number of blocks of time its win) but just his contact will be more joined up (Friday tea to Sunday tea on his weekend)
I still think I'm being generous and will argue vehemently against overnights during the school week (at least while they're still so young) They go to bed at 7 ffs and he was proposing in the dinner only nights bringing them home at 7. That's ludicrous in my opinion and could have a detrimental effect on their sleep, and therefore, education.
If he's only thinking of them, why would this benefit them.
I am prepared to allow things like this in the holidays (and I will need him to do more) because I can't take holidays whenever I want and he more or less can and the kids bedtimes can slip a little once or twice a week.
I'm not being unreasonable. Or am I?
Please say if I am.
I want to tell him about the messages I've seen too in order to explain my reluctance to allow more contact. And I'm aware it's threatening to do that but he's threatening to leave me and my DC in a basically destitute state.
4 months ago we tried to buy a £350k house.
I'm looking at one now at £95k.
I'm not a snob but that's quite a culture shock to get over when 5 weeks ago I was still married to the love of my life.