Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

gypsy thank you. I might do that

I've offered to use my solicitor. If he says just use his, I'll still use mine and pay the fifference

He wants every weekend - I bet he does. All the fun times, little of the drudgery that is weekday parenting with school age children. Cheeky beggar. Alternative weekends at best!

Definitely use your own solicitor. I understand that cash is strapped at the moment, but you'll be shooting yourself in the foot if you don't get good representation from the beginning. He's already shown you his true colours - believe in what he is and protect yourself with a SHL.

Don't offer to use your solicitor just tell him you are using your solicitor. You've got to show him you are not a push over. Telling him you have a solicitor is the biggest thing that will signify this to him.

Go to your solicitor.

Tell him to get his own solicitor.

It will save you money in the long run.

Please don't get fucked over.

He isn't aware I have seen his proposed rota.

And now I've just seen a message between him and ow that suggests she's had to take the MAP

But don't panic! She's got the pill to start taking now

LCB told me very early on that he already had all the DC he wanted.
Presumably they celebrated her birthday in London in style

Please please please take it from one who knows...detach, stop reading messages. He's moved on, you will only cause yourself more heartache, just detach. Please x

When I've got my separation agreement cary I will.
Or I'll tell him and watch him squirm and try to figure out how to turn it off.

Deal! I like the idea of him squirming, you'll be fine x

It is not in the children's best interest to have to leave their home every weekend. No to that. They need time in their own home at the weekends with their mum.

I wonder what ow thinks of having to look after his kids every weekend?! Me thinks he is just saying this and wouldn't stick to it long as soon as she realised it meant no proper time alone with him, even so you definitely need to shoot that idea down, it is completely unreasonable!

No you're not being. Unreasonable to block his contact every weekend. That's just horrible. Definitely dig heels in over that one. I'd say one weekend in every three. So you one weekend, him next, third weekend he gets one night. Then it's your weekend the next weekend and so on.
Cheeky little bugger.!
Map? Is that a pregnancy test?

Cary your solicitor sound brilliant.

Bide your time with what you disclose to him bonnet. You only get one instance of surprise with this. We waited till we were at court before I hot him with what we knew.
He was past himself.

Dowser. MAP Morning After Pill

OnIt. I hope you have stayed determined not to discuss the children. Get the financials signed off properly first.

WRT the OW spending time with the children, generally speaking you can't lay down the law who he & they spend time with 'on his watch' in the same way he gets no say 'on your watch'.

HOWEVER, as I said before, HE wouldn't be having unsupervised access with them & she'd be going nowhere near the contact centre. A married, alcoholic, having an affair with their Dad, fuck-right-off.

One w/e in 2 is the norm. you deal with their weekly schedule slog , but sometimes there are plans, outings, shopping, parties, at the w/e.

In reality drunken OW cannot cope with 2 strange kids every w/e, & if he is joining her in her debauchery, he can't either.

DO NOT let him know about her emails that EXH showed you, it is your winning card !

I think keeping eye on emails and the messages from OW-ex is trump
Card. Keep quiet and use when needed.

February onit.but it turned out he's been seeing by best friend for nearly two years before that. So in his mind he is probably ready to move their relationship on and tell the kids (who know her only as my best friend and their friends mum) that they are together. He thinks it won't be a head fuck for them in the slightest
I actually think It's highly beneficial that you can see his messages, hurtful as it may be. It's invaluable to be one step ahead.
Every weekend? Pah! That's bollocks and he knows it. Every other weekend and one night a week is reasonable.or at least split the weekends so one gets Saturday and one gets Sunday.or else you will only get them for the drudge before and after school and he will get all the quality time with them. Honestly he can fuck off! (Disclaimer-I've had several gins-but it makes me so cross that people think they can do whatever they want and then get to demand things that still favour them.have some bloody conscience! Not personalising this at all )

We stayed reasonably civil during money discussions though he did call me entitled and grabby.
All this not fulfilling my potential crap too.
But we did agree enough to get most of it down.
I put to him about my leaving his pension (and he mine) if he would concede a bigger share of the equity to me.
He hasnt got the cash equivalent value yet so we need to wait to see what that would look like.
I guess it's possible he's just got himself into debt as potentially his pension pot could be bigger than 45k which would be roughly 50% of the equity (after fees)
But if that's the case; fuck him.
If that makes me grabby; so be it.
I'm grabbing it for my DC before his whore starts forgetting to take her pill through the drunken haze and she talks him into just one weekend off.
He knows my only experience of good dads who leave was my dsis exh who everyone thought was best dad ever; till he fucked off and barely showed his sorry face for years and years.
He can't see why I would be worried.
He doesn't understand why I question his parental responsibilities and I can't explain fully because I will not tell him about the messages yet. But he admitted he wasn't a good husband for the last six months and seemed not to see my point about his detachment/withdrawal from family life over the last few months while conducting his affair as evidence of his not putting his DC first. I conceded he might've wanted to get away from me but he did that to the detriment of the DC.
Things ended badly when I told him I hated him with a passion. And if I never saw him again it'd be too soon.
But that's because he tried to suggest that he'd been the only effective parent for years and they'd barely had a mum
I admit things were awful but that's just not true. He did a lot more than most dads do but most dads don't have wives bedridden for months at a time.
I do actually loathe him.
How he thinks that throwing my illness at me as evidence of me not putting my kids first or being a bad parent is justifiable? It's just nasty.

I did say something similar conkers that legally speaking 50/50 on everything is fair. But morally; ethically he should pay (not necessarily financially) for what he's done.

I've left his house and hate that my DC are there with him until lunchtime basically.

I am not looking at his email tonight. I am wired anyway. I need to get a decent sleep so off to the furnace that is my upstairs.
I've had my first offer rejected but going to up it tomorrow. Would be a big weight off if I knew we had somewhere to go to when we have to leave here.
Keep everything crossed for me about 9.30 tomorrow

He really is a spectacular bastard isn't he. Throwing your illness in your face like that. Wanker.

Try to sleep - we can plot tomorrow 😴💤💤💤

Just off the phone to my bff.
And left my pills downstairs.
Fml

Good luck with the offer today xx

If he doesn't want kids and is 100% about that then why hasn't he had a vasectomy? She's younger isn't she, so if she ever wants kids she might end up resenting the bastard.

5 hours sleep
When am I going to get better at that?