Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Me too thesun
I think I actually laughed in his face.
And he cowered from me.
Hes so weak.
How could I ever have thought he was what I wanted? He disgusts me.

What an utter twat!

I bet he's whinging to any one who will listen how "hard" he has it right now too?

Lmao at the cowering ! You go onit!

Good OP, I'm so glad you've found your inner strength. Your last 2 posts were magnificent. The anger was palpable, I could feel it coming of the page. Keep well.

Good woman op... It's about time he had to confront the consequences of his own actions a little bit to be honest.

He will definitely be going around playing the victim. Hopefully the people in your life that count will see straight through it.

The only trouble is as he hasn't just walked off with what HE decides is a deal, he will now get angry & the war starts.

Glad you were able to laugh in his face. Karma is such a joy. He will have to accept that no on gets all the money & ow too cake & eat it too--

oops

Wow - I've just read this from start to finish and I am so amazed at your strength onit

I have nothing useful to add so

Poor him eh?

I'm sure he's been quite comfortable in the role he carved out for himself...
The martyr... The one in control...
Telling you how it must be now and feeling the weight and the guilt while (in his mind) trying to do the 'right' thing...

Ha ha ha fucking idiot.

You've never been a victim onit. Not once through this whole thread.
You've always radiated strength, emotional intelligence and confidence. You just needed to harness it in your shock.
Now you have.

I'm very happy for you.

Now sort shit out and leave him weeping in your dust as you ride spectacularly off into the sunset.

Has he given an answer OP? What does he think of your proposal ?
I think you've played a blinder there, do what is right for you and kids xx

You go powerful woman!

It's great when you get a chance to turn the tables.

Mine totally regretted what he did but you know what ...it's great when you realise they've stamped out the last little bit of love you had for them and you wouldn't want them back in a million years.

Well do e you.

Well done x

Atta girl!!

Only just sat down.
Today was totally non stop.
He has gone for my offer despite not trusting me
I have added to this agreement that I will not be rushed into buying the wrong property for me and DC. That the equity will come to me till I can find a place suitable for all 3 of us.
We can negotiate the % split at a later date.
And until I can apply for a mortgage, he can't dictate a date to be "paid back" because he could be left high and fucking dry if I can't get a mortgage. That'd be funny if I ended up having to pay him back at £50 a month out of his own maintenance
But it means I accepted the offer. My house is sold subject to contracts. The buyers want a very quick entry - 8 weeks!

Anyway, I organised a few viewings for me and DC and went to see one property this afternoon which was grim. Really grim. But I could buy outright with the equity.
I have a few more lined up for tomorrow. They look much nicer but that's reflected in the price. Not sure if I could afford them. Even with all the equity and the bit of money I have put aside.

I also had a cry this afternoon.
I had aren't from his mum about seeing DC this week. They're going for a sleepover. I am taking them as DH is working away. She'd asked me if I'd stay for tea when we were organising this (all by text. Not sure if that's relevant) and I'd said I wasn't sure. I was having a wobble that day and said I'd like to if I felt strong enough but could I get back to her.
So anyway I followed up today and she asked again about staying to eat. That she'd discussed it with my fil and they'd both like me to stay as fil wanted to see me.
I burst into tears and still crying now when I think of it.
I love his parents. They have been the only parents I've had since my own passed away and I especially have a soft spot for fil.
My own dad was a very quiet man and didn't want to make a speech at my wedding. That's ok. It was a small intimate occasion and not exactly formal. We asked fil beforehand if he'd like to say a few words but he didn't want to either. All fine. But on the day, after all the other people spoke, my fil stood and said so many lovely things about me joining their family and him being so proud and I really, honestly think it was one of the nicest moments of my life.
And I cried , and still am crying, at the thought of not being in their lives anymore.
I don't think I've cried for a few days and this has knocked me.
It might just be shock (again) at everything that's happened in the last 36 hours or so but I don't want to lose these people from my life. And that's essentially what's going to happen.
I am going to stay for tea but I am so upset that it might be a last supper for me as their daughter in law.

It is (was I guess now given the time) also my mums birthday today. She would've been 74 and devastated by what my bastard h has done to me. If she wasn't dead already I guarantee this would've killed her.
I didn't even have a chance to give her one thought.

Well hr has done you one favour today then hasn't the arse!
You'll remember your mummy's birthday tonight in your dreams.

Keep looking at houses and don't choose purely based on what you can afford in equity. This will be your home!

Well proud of you.... Happy heavenly birthday mummy.... Xxx

You absolutely don't have to end your relationship with his parents if you break up with your husband. It sounds like they don't want to lose you either.

Struggling to sleep tonight and just heard ds laughing in his sleep
Can't all be bad.
Love him

You won't lose your in laws out of your life onit, the relationship you have with them will be individual and seperate. You are the mother of their grandchildren.

Your own mother would be so proud of you and how you are handling yourself. No wonder your Dc are laughing you are a fabulous role model.

Well let's hope for a positive viewing today then OP.
His parents sound lovely and I'm sure they are pretty disappointed in their son right now-and that you won't lose them.

My X SIL is still my very good friend. She comes & stays with her new bf.
My Mum remained very good friends with her till literally her dying day.
Her children were still Mums grandchildren. She continued to take Mum shopping, going out for lunch & coming over for tea.
My brothers new wife has not go the same place in the lives of my children as their first real aunt.
Please do not think you need to de friend your ILs, it does not have to happen.

I must've fallen asleep right after posting the last thing.

It's because I don't know what he's said to his parents. The terrible things he's said to me, to my face, prove he wants to hurt me. I worry he's said these things to his parents and the friends who've sided with him, or worse.
I won't discuss it with them as I said from the outset I wouldn't but, I don't want them to think I'm like that. Mil was often here on a Sunday evening. H usually made dinner for us all and did bath and bed for DC. More often than not he'd work after they'd gone to bed.
This was mainly because (he said) he had to work.
Not sure how true this was now. I'm sure he also didn't necessarily want to spend the whole evening with his mum. Now I know he had issues with me too
From mil's PoV though it will always look like her ds was working so hard. And I did SFA. It would be natural for her to assume this happened every night.
And when I was ill/recovering, aside from DH working after, he pretty much did.
I'd feed the DC and us if he was home in time. If not, he'd usually do bath and bed then make tea for us both once DC were in bed.
I used to think he wanted to do these things. Wanted to spend time with his DC and look after me by letting me put my feet up for a bit when he got in. Esp when I was working and often exhausted and sore.
Instead he was hating me for being lazy.
And his dm thinking the same.
It makes me feel ashamed that she and fil might think that.
H was a very hands on dad. Especially in others company. And I let him be for the very reason I thought he loved them and loved me too.

The last 6 months or so and definitely the last 3, this was mostly not the case. I was doing almost all the DC care. The nights he was home (hobby straight from work at least 3 nights a week) he'd still do our meal after DC went to bed but now I think that was so he could be away from me in another room to message her.

It feels so uncomfortable.
I wasn't particularly close with my SIL but my dd esp loves her wee cousin.
I'd hate her to lose that closeness but really can't imagine SIL contacting me to keep them close.
I guess I should be the bigger person regarding first contact. SIL is probably unsure what to say. They are good people and maybe feeling guilty because of what their son/brother has done. And maybe think I want to sever ties to him. I don't. But it's so awkward. And when they all descended on Father's Day it was awful for me.

Parents know onit. Well- good ones do anyway and by what you say about your in laws they are good?

He is there son and brother, they may be terribly disappointed & ashamed but they may not say it or even acknowledge it.
If they reassure you - take it however clumsily its attempted but if they don't... Don't think it means they have taken his side.

My bil is a car crash. He has a habit of having affairs with married women at work, he was married. He has put in laws through hell. They are always quite defensive of him. I never understood why. Now I've got adult dc, I understand more. They know what he's like, but it hurts and they don't want to acknowledge it because it hurts, he's always going to be their son- so they pretend.

You have done nothing wrong.

I have a friend coming today with her DC which will be good.
I also have 3 more houses to view this afternoon.
It's not actually dawned on me that my house is sold!
It's what I've waited a year to hear. And I'm ambivalent. Indifferent even.
I'm wondering if I should start packing. I'll be doing it alone. During school hols. It could take till September

Anyone got boxes?