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Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
mix56 · 09/07/2016 12:08

bonnet , You are right to be angry. You did not choose to be ill. He should try the exercise of "boot on the the other foot". How would it be if he had a debilitating illness, & you fell out of love with him because he wasn't manning it up & working. Then you decide to fuck off with someone else's husband (his friend) & leave him alone with the kids, & no income.....
Not such a jolly scenario.
He is weak, self serving & not a nice person at all. He has had time to build up to this, & whether or not he is intending to shaft you financially no one knows, but you can be certain he will try & give you the absolute minimum. After all, he has to set up a new life with OW....
re kids, It is unlikey he will want more than mentioned, he has to go to work, & the OW isn't just going to willingly take over your mothering role. Its not exciting being Mum is it ?! There are restrictions, bedtimes, packed lunches, doctors aptmts, school activities. broken nights & tantrums.
Your H has somehow overlooked that while he is making the income, someone is in the background enabling him to be free to work.
He has taken the easy route of jumping ship, for the fun & freedom of a new start. & leaving his kids in your charge so that you can deal with the fallout.

So incase you haven't, be very certain that you don't have an iCloud, messenger, whattsap or other account that is linked to him. Change ALL your passwords. seek another SHL, get a free half hour, (as many as you need) the last one didn't sound interested. Don't agree to anything. just use the pacifying "I'll have to think about it".
Find your the strength for your life & your children. Start by eating, you are feeling tired, lethargic overwhelmed, but you aren't giving you body any fuel.
If you don't look after your health, you could get ill & that is not going to help.

You have been given a really low blow, but you WILL get through this.
Hoping meeting with OWH gives you closure, & shows you the character H has become, you slowly stop hurting, & turn into an Ice maiden.

BustingOut · 09/07/2016 19:28

I hope your meeting with ow dh went as well as could be expected bonnet hopefully you have got some clarification and some strength for moving onwards.Flowers and Wine

BarbaraRoberts · 09/07/2016 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 00:02

Been at a friends tonight.
All calories consumed today have been from haribo, g&t, rosé or chips and curry sauce Blush but this is the first alcohol to pass my lips since the shit hit the fan.
I have also done something to my back today so taken a co-codamol to help me sleep through the pain.
I feel great! Grin
I'll fill you in tomorrow as I'm extremely tired and have no reason for early waking so plan on a good 8 hours. I miss my DC but I am in a good place tonight. And being slightly tipsy is helping with that I think.

OP posts:
UptheAnty · 10/07/2016 07:40

Glad you're in a good place onit x

Hope you feel rested today

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/07/2016 13:49

Hope it went ok onit

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 20:02

So shot is hitting the fan!
I need serious help here.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/07/2016 20:07

Are you okay Onit?

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 20:11

I have seen the messages.
My fucking cunt of a husband was messaging her while my ds was in hospital and (jokingly?) suggesting that ow visit him in our house while my dd was sleeping upstairs or worse, leaving her alone to go and see ow in the city 30 minutes away. Because dd is "independent"

But, also, I have just had an offer on my house ConfusedConfused

It's an ok offer and if we were together it'd be accepted.
But I was on the verge of taking it off the market to gain a little stability.
I have no money. At all. I own this house. When it sells I will have a decent chunk of money in the bank but will be unable to get a mortgage to buy anything else suitable for me and DC.
And I will not go into rented.

HELP ME!!!!!
Please Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 20:21

Anyone??

OP posts:
tribunalupfrontfeesjustunfair · 10/07/2016 20:21

Hello Onnit, I've been following your thread, from the first day you posted.
It's absolutely gut wrenching what's happened to you. I know myself the disbelief and roller coaster of emotions. Is selling your home really necessary ? You need some stability and time to adjust to this shock.
Please be kind to yourself, you need to breathe and not feel pushed into more upheaval.

annielouise · 10/07/2016 20:23

If the messages suggest he was thinking of leaving your DD who I think is age 5 on her own then he wouldn't be having the kids overnight. He's irresponsible and can't be trusted. That's neglect. SS could get involved if he did something like that.

I think you need to speak to your solicitor about whether you're entitled to stay in the house with the kids until they're 18. Or perhaps you could negotiate a few years so you can retrain and get a job and the chance of a mortgage. If necessary I would be putting off any prospective buyers. Let him take you to court to get you out. You'll get another year out of it I'm sure. He'd have to go to court which takes time then if the judgement was you have to sell that takes time, then the process of selling takes time - you could drag it out for a year.

annielouise · 10/07/2016 20:25

And if you do decide to do that don't answer the door to the postman who will be delivering letters from his solicitors probably by recorded delivery - don't answer and sign for any letters. Make it all as awkward as possible for him.

ChishandFips33 · 10/07/2016 20:27

Did you take copies of the messages for evidence against twatface him?

I'm guessing the fact he would be willing to leave your daughter alone to follow his dick's wants would/should go against him if he starts trying to undermine your parenting in a custody discussion

Awful as it will have been, it's helping put the missing pieces in the puzzle like you thought it might and help reinforce what an arse he is and how much weight you're about to shed

Wrt the house - your friend sounds wise when she said try and stay put - if nothing else for stability for the children and you when other things are so rocky. It's an upheaval you can well do without

Keep strong - if nothing else but to piss him off! FlowersCakeWine

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 20:30

My gut is telling me to sell but I don't trust myself.
I should've trusted my guy about him and ow from the get go but this is different.
I want to get the fuck away from this house and all the memories. Esp now but is that the right thing long term for me and DC?
I'm not good at this.
If we sell I walk away with a good chunk of equity but not enough to buy something for me and DC and not enough to get a mortgage for the difference either. No where near it.

OP posts:
mix56 · 10/07/2016 20:32

You said you didn't like the house. would it better to down size? a new house with a new start sounds ideal to me. Could you pay the mortgage alone?
If you can stay in it till your DCs are 18, you will have years & years of strife with your X Tosser H.

He didn't actually leave DD alone did he? if he did, that puts paid to any idea of dictating child access. I think I would enjoy dropping that little gem into a few conversations.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/07/2016 20:33

I wouldn't be selling the house at this point. You need some stability and you and the dc's need somewhere to live. I would see the solicitor as soon as possible and you can work out a plan from there. I don't think accepting the offer and having to make quick decisions at this point in all of this will serve you well.

As for the messages -he is a massive dick. This just confirms it. It might well feel like a bereavement just now as you are having it confirmed that the person you thought he was isn't actually who he is. This feels horrible-but it might help you once you process it.

Hang in there kid.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/07/2016 20:35

I know you want to get away from the memories but I worry about how you will afford a new place, particularly before you have sorted out the financials with h and also that it's an awful lot to cope with at once.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 20:36

I can't stay till kids are 18. Scottish law different. 2 years max before he can divorce me without contest and force the sale.

The reason we were selling was for the DC. They've no friends nearby or garden to play in.
That reason hasn't changed. In fact I think it makes it more compelling now since their lcb of a father showed his true colours.
I'd also like to be around other families if only to show them what that's actually like Sad

OP posts:
annielouise · 10/07/2016 20:41

Really what you and the kids need is stability. if you can stay 2 years max I think that is stability. You can go to the park if no garden. If you stay in the house for 2 years you can retrain as planned and maybe look for a job limiting the time in rented accommodation. If you get 2 years does that mean you could get another year on top as he can only force a sale after 2 years then it could take another year to sell so 3 years in total?

If you sell now and go into rented accommodation you might be forced to use your savings on rent so you might not get any housing benefit or any other benefits as presumably you'll have well over the threshold in savings that you'll be expected to use. You would have to ensure signing a long lease as you don't want to be moved on after 6 months. Your share of the sale could disappear on rent and living so you'll have nothing.

UptheAnty · 10/07/2016 20:46

Oh onit 😡 What a loser.

Going on what you say about Scottish law, maybe you'd be better to move?

You're going to have to anyway right... Maybe it would be good for you. An adventure for you and the dc, making new exciting memories together 😃

How long do you think it'll be before ow moves in with your 'd' h ?
You need to count him out now, because he's going to be no good to you or your do soon enough.

Sounds like they deserve each other.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/07/2016 22:23

I'm going to sleep on it but I think I've decided,
I will suggest that if we accept the offer it will be dependent on my being able to buy another property for me and DC.
The only real way to do that at the moment is if I take all the equity from the sale and buy something outright.
When I go back to work I can apply for a mortgage in time and give him his share or make him fucking swivel for it the dirty, fucking toe rag
If he doesn't agree, we take the house of the market and I sit here bleeding him dry for 2 years.

OP posts:
Namechangingme · 10/07/2016 23:35

Think that's a great idea onit! Hope he agrees to it!

Surely a judge would though if he opposes. You have the DC!

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/07/2016 08:49

I've given him the offer and my suggestion.
Poor soul doesn't know if he can trust me to not run off with all his money Hmm
He's taken the kids for breakfast as he's away with work most of the week so won't see them.
"How can I do anything when I've got them with me? I've not had time to digest this info"
I went fucking batshit.
Wtf does he think I've had to do after he turned my world upside fucking down.
Deal with it you fucking, lying, cheating, dirty, devious fucker!
He has the kids till 10.30 and I've told him I need an answer by then so I can let the EA know. The buyers want a quick deal as they want in by school starting back which is end of August here Shock
He is literally quaking in his boots.
Fuck him.
I hope he knows that's what I've felt like since the minute he revealed himself for the cunt that he is.

I am so utterly over him. If I could surgically remove him and all memory of him I would live in a tent the rest of my life.
I HATE HIM.
I hope he fucking suffers.
And in time I hope he regrets what he's done when his DC won't speak to him and his friends and family have backed off because, well, if he can do that to his dw and DC, he could do it to anyone, couldn't he?

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 11/07/2016 09:19

sorry 'onit'

but his remark about how can he process it, with the kids there etc...

MADE ME LMFAO

pathetic big baby. oh diddums.