Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Awww, what a whirlwind you're having.
So much, so soon and so quickly.

Your in laws should lovely and decent people ( and are probably worried sick they will lose contact with their beloved grand children.)
Maybe it's time to find a nice card and write some words of comfort to them. I would appreciate it if I was in their situation.

Fortunately my lovely mil had passed on. She would have been devastated. It's too much at their time of life( I'm ten years younger and I know how devastated I would be if my children's relationships floundered and my child had been the cause)

A hand written card with some nice flowers will reassure them that you may not always be their dil but you can still be like a daughter to them.

This agreement re house and funds bonnet, you might want it signed on a proper legal document.

He might be promising you the earth right now but as judge Rinder says...you need that bit of paper.

You can't trust him anymore and when ow sees this new relationship isn't the bed of roses she thought it was going to be ( how can it when a man has responsibilities) she will be twisting the knife, digging her heels in.

Remember you only get one bite at the cherry. You must get it right, right now.

Don't be fobbed off with any verbal agreements....they mean jack shit in a court of law.

My piece of doo doo always promised that if anything she happen to us I could have the house and he would pay all the bills. Ha!

He started cutting off the bills one by one. We had annual travel insurance and he let me travel to Florida knowing he hadn't renewed it. It was my mistake not to check, but in the swirling clouds of emotion that I was caught up in, it was something I'd never given thought too. He was probably hoping I'd take I'll.

So, yes please get i's dotted and t's crossed.

Show him how you play hardball.. You've got to think like a general now in a game of war and you are protecting your troops ( the kids).
Never let him know what you are planning. You've turned into a wily old fox.

Oh, yes get it on paper.

Please stop feeling responsible & guilty for being ill.
Your new Mantra should be :, I was ill, I did not wish it, or make it up
Marriages are team work, it could have been him that was ill & you would have had to bath the DCs, make dinner (oh whoopy dee btw. yes he made dinner.......er, like he is an adult)

I think you should just say to the i laws-obviously this has happened and it's hard for us all ( you and then I mean-I don't care about h but you don't need to say that) but that you still want to have as good a relationship with them as possible.then you've done your best and they can take you up on it or not.hopefully the will but of course they will be tied to some degree to loyalty to their own kid, no matter how heinous he is, as we all would be I suppose.

I've made an appointment with a solicitor but can't see them till Monday.
I'm sure h is seeing someone on Friday.
I find it ridiculous that he says he doesn't trust me.

I'm essentially only going to sort out the house sale and agree to the equity deal.
I will however mention the messages and my concerns about contact with h and ow esp given evidence of her drinking and his irresponsible behaviour while under her influence.

onit I have had a mystery illness for 4 years that left me unable to walk any distance or think clearly. So often I thought I was making it up, even though I wasn't. Now I have proper treatment life is so different and I still find it hard to believe I was so ill. But the proof is in the cure - I'm better now that they have found a treatment, so I MUST have been properly ill.

And, btw, I'm sure it puts a huge strain on any relationship but lots of people don't look elsewhere. Would you blame ME if my husband had walked out while I was ill? No. You'd blame him, of course. So don't EVER blame yourself or your illness.

does ow have a drinking problem? Shit... That's a new can of worms.

On it I'm so glad he's at least accepted your proposals re the house big good vibes to you on going forward with finding a new place 😃

I hope your relationship with your ILs will continue, even flourish. It will change, of course, but no reason for it to stop. He may have said stuff to them, but they have their own eyes and their own minds to make up.

I can understand your indifference to the house move but that will change once you are actually living in your new place. At the moment, it's just yet another upheaval, more stress. Once you've moved though, it will be a fresh start, a good place for you and your DC, and somewhere to make your own.

I think it's worth getting the contents of the messages documented somewhere, in case you need them in the future. He's shown himself to be unreliable and that has to be considered when organising future childcare. What's the issue with her drinking?

A friend of mine had to move into a smaller place with her two kids after leaving her awfulhusband. Best thing she ever did. She downsized loads and chucked loads of stuff and moved into a much smaller house. It is so much easier to keep clean and maintain, and this means she can work and pay the bills more easily. The burden of maintaining a large house is just gone.

Did you tell us what appended with the meeting with ow husband.

Did I miss a couple of pages.

It appears I didn't tell you anything about ow DH dowser

So many other things have happened since Saturday.

I didn't try to shag him which seemed to be the most common suggestion

But that's where the evidence of her drink problem came from.

The messages that ow DH found between my h and ow were only discovered as she'd passed out drunk and not closed her laptop.
They were messaging each other while she was with her DH and my h was at home with my dd and me and ds were in hospital (ds admitted that day. Not sure if that info is further back on the thread)

She was drinking whisky straight from the bottle (not unusual) and sitting next to her DH.

During this conversation my h said he cared more about not seeing ow than he did about his ds being in hospital.
That if ow wouldn't come to see him (in our home. With dd asleep upstairs) he'd consider that, as dd is so independent, he could lock the house up and leave her alone so he could go and fuck her.

Her DH is totally paranoid. And devastated.
I am just numb. And becoming more and more convinced that I don't want my DC near the motherfucker!

But, if I use info from messages it will damage her DH and he has been a good friend the last couple of weeks. I can't make things worse for him.

I'm trying to formulate a scenario whereby my h is made aware that I have copies of these messages. So I can use this as leverage wrt financial settlement and/or custody agreement.

But this would be blackmail really. And I'm not that person.

At the moment I'm fantasising about putting the messages on a billboard for the world to see. Anonymous but powerful.
Or sending the transcript to his friends and family. But I don't want to hurt anyone but him.

It's really shocking that he would consider leaving your young child in the house alone, for whatever reason. You're right that he needs to know that you know about that, and that it would be totally unacceptable for him to do that and would affect his access with the DC if you thought it a possibility. Worrying also about her drinking, if that is a regular occurrence.

I'm really glad that you and her H can support each other.

He was more bothered about ow than your son being in hospital? Because she was drunk? What a prize prick! Can her oh evidence that she regularly drinks till passing out? This may help you ensure she is not around your dc.

How old are your children? Not that matters, but leaving her alone so he can get laid??

I would show these msgs to his parents, let the shit hit the fan. If they are anything like my dc grandparents, they would castrate the daft twat for putting her in danger.

I have a feeling he might not enjoy 'freedom' as much as he thought soon!

Sorry Bonnet. My post sounded really mosey and I didn't mean it like that.

Gosh she's a prize catch isn't she. Drinking whisy straight from the bottle? Just gross?

Something tells me when this idiot comes to his senses he will realise that he's lost more than he can ever gain but thankfully that won't be your problem..

They deserve one another.

You're doing brilliant. Stay calm and level headed which I mainly did. Watch him tie himself in so many knots hell deliver himself straight I tipi your hands.
My exh lied and lied so much on the financial part of the divorce. Inflating his living costs in Dubai etc. it was endless.

The judges aren't stupid. They've seen it all before.

He came away with about 28 per cent and I got something like 72 per cent.. I got the house which was the main thing.

Be a wily old fox bonnet.

Oh my god! My ex tried to make out I had a drinking problem when we divorced cos I went out at weekends or the occasional bottle of wine in the house (we didn't have DC but he wanted my money)so I wondered if ow dh was being a bit Ott like he was , but whisky from the bottle is a whole other matter !! Ouch! You definitely don't want her near your kids

Your ex is sooo going to regret this sooner rather than later - the twat deserves it!

What a prize she is eh?
I have similar messages found by the woman in my situations husband. It's hugely tempting to stick them all up on Facebook, or email them all to h's family-and the more lies they tell about me the more tempting it becomes. But I won't (probably ) because when the DD's work out what has gone on in my situation I want them to know that I mostly acted with dignity (there have been some arguments with h and a conversation with her on the phone some of which I'm not proud of as I got a bit sweary at one point and feel like I debased myself a bit).
Keep the messages op-you may need them for legal or custody bits (if you have concerns about her behaviour near the kids). Resort to them when you need to find your anger.

Mine tried to make out I was a bad mother, somy daughter wrote a letter to the judge outlining the wonderful childhood they'd had even though I often had poorly days I always rallied for my troops.
How I was always ready to meet them after school to drive them out of town to a lovely park. Friends were always welcome and so forth.

Yes that's how low they'll sink to justify their actions..

But the judges aren't stupid.. It's the cheating men that make themselves look stupid and desperate.

Mine who was on an excellent salary ran up a mystifying £30,000 of debt. I bet one of his cronies told him to do it. So that if igot the house I'd get the debt. The judge coolly looked at the information and said you ran up the debt after you left the martiage, therefore the debt is yours. I was too shocked at the time to rejoice as no one told me I might've responsible for half or all of the debt. We always had separate finances and I always paid my cc in full so there was no confusion there.

He got £45,000 out of our house inflorida, £30,000 debt and a small pension which hardly came into the equation as he died 3 months after his 60th birthday.Probably £10,000 divorce costs.£5000 renovations tothevilla. It was hardly worth his while bothering.

It is almost laughable (sorry) that he would leave you for a woman who drinks whisky from a bottle until she passes out.
The guy is a complete idiot

He thinks he's still 30.

I sent him a list of the bigger things in the house and marked the items I want. I've given him till the end of the month to remove the other stuff or I'll dispose of it and Bill him for the costs.
I will gumtree it but he doesn't need to know that.
He also has stuff in my dsis's garage which I've asked him to remove or she'll start charging him £50 per month for storage.

He's not answering me though as he's in London for work. Though she's gone with him. It's her birthday tomorrow. He spent £90 on theatre tickets.
Last week he was asking what clothes the DC need as he wants to have some things at his place. But, he doesn't want to buy stuff they don't need as money's tight

I'm relaxing in front of the telly tonight and intermittently texting him random questions.
Or emailing him lists.
I'm having fun

I think the DC might want to Skype him at 6.30am tomorrow too.

They'd love to say good morning, wouldn't they.

Yay to your fun lists and random questions , and definitely yay to the DC skyping him nice and early.

Op u need to use these messages to your advantage. If I was u, I would re-consider custody arrangements. Do u really want to leave the kids with him over night knowing he is capable of leaving them alone unsupervised in his flat while he is off to shag OW? And what would happen when OW moves in which she will eventually if their relationship carries on.
Show these messages to ur solicitor. Use it as bargaining tools to get full custody and more maintenance.
You cannot trust this man! Only an arsehole would think of leaving his daughter alone in a house while he goes off to shag his mistress and more importantly while his flesh and blood is in hospital. Absolute jerk. People like this make me sick.
Take him to the cleaners!
And make sure any agreement re the house is on paper before u sign anything!
Good luck to u xxx

Op I just saw the beginning of the thread and your dd he wanted to leave alone at night is 5??? I am in shock, how could he possibly be trusted after that? You must be fuming? Are you allowing joint custody?