Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I can't help thinking how pissed off it would make or respective spouses

I love this^^^. I know a couple of betrayed spouses who actually got together as FWBs. Pissed the BH off no end.

Pissed the BH off no end

I meant the WH.

Just checking in.
Does anyone have any suggestions regarding sleep?
I'm averaging 4-5 hrs a night and it's starting to take its toll.
I'm knackered right now but by the time I get the kids to bed and done chores, I've woken up and not ready for bed. Probably not getting to sleep most nights before 1am; or if I do, I'm waking for an hour or so in the middle of the night. Ds generally up at 6.

Would you consider sleeping pills? My friend got after a bereavement and they really helped her.

I'm not sure.
I've got a GP appointment on Monday and I'll mention the lack of sleep but the DC are still just little. I'd worry if something happened in the night and I couldn't wake up for them.

Do you have Buddhify on your phone? There are several mindfulness meditations on there which are for sleeplessness. Might be worth a try?

Sominex the non-herbal one

Nytol-I am the same as you-and it's the only thing that gets me to sleep through.i take it every 3 nights or so and I'm hoping it will retrain my body to stay asleep all night.

Trip to the chemist in order.

Been another crispy day. I can't get myself motivated to eat, sleep, keep up the housework.

The DC are taking all my energy (and rightly so).
I have a viewer to the house on Saturday and I need to start doing stuff but I honestly can't be arsed.

Crispy
crappy

Oh onit. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please don't beat yourself up about what kind of wife you've been because you were ill. He's the cheating bastard. I'm awake now and about to take a valerium they seem to work quite wellfor insomnia for me.
My marriage broke down fairly recently too. I was in shock for a long time and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed and anxious at times (2 young dc, job etc). It does get better

I am extremely worried about what will happen when I have to go back to work.
At the moment I can cope, just about. But when I need to cut myself into yet another piece, I'm scared for the consequences.
I'm also sure H will be standing by to watch me fail, and try to take the DC.

I don't think he will do that OP. His ow would not allow it. Try and take it one day at a time, easier said then done I know but worry about going back to work when/if that actually happens. Don't beat yourself up by the heartless remarks the little toad made to you. If the situation was reversed and he suffered 2 major bereavement and illness would you have cared for him only to hold it against him? Of course not. No loving partner would. I hope you get some answers when you meet with ow dp, I'm sure it will be incredibly difficult but at least you will see how the man you fell in love with is no longer the same man.

If the OW has no kids she might not want his kids, they'd be baggage to her surely?

With you not being able to sleep OP,are you struggling to full asleep because your thinking about everything that's happened and what he said?and when you wake up in the night is it the same thing?

If your mind is working overtime when your trying to get your body and mind to relax ready for sleep think about starting a journal for yourself.

It really can help,get yourself a nice book and pen and write down what your feeling,write down the thoughts and feelings that are making it hard for you to fall asleep.
With a thoughts and feelings journal it doesn't have to be chapter after chapter as it starts to work for you you may find you only write a few words down.
Sometimes people will write song lyrics down or a few lines of poetry or doodle or draw a picture if they're finding it hard to find the words to get down just how they're feeling.
It probably sounds really daft but it really can work,it's like you take those thoughts and feelings that can feel like they're doing constant re runs in your head,put them down on paper,shut the book and they've been released and shut away even if just for a few hours.

You mentioned getting the chores done once your DC are in bed are those things that you could do any earlier?
So that way once your DC are in bed you have some time for yourself,you can sit and chat to a friend,come on here,read a book,watch some tv,do a puzzle,knit(whatever hobby you might have)and then maybe have a nice warm relaxing bath.

Please know though OP it doesn't matter what that spineless piece of shit said to you,no one make's someone cheat but the person that cheats!
He doesn't deserve you OP he really doesn't,I'm so sorry about your loss and your health.
Just think if it was the other way around you wouldn't have done what he's done.

He's a bad guy who's done a bad thing and he knows just how bad it looks but instead of doing the decent normal thing and admitting that what he has done is despicable he's turning it all around and trying to blame you for his actions,thats what a spinless shit does not a decent guy who deserves to be with you.

OP, I have PM'd you

I thought I'd replied to you all earlier

If the situation had been reversed busting. I guess he'd have been unhappy because I would've shown myself to be capable then. Not now.

holidays this thread is like my journal.
This and the messages I've sent to friends irl.

I'm considering trying to write a timeline. Including times I had suspicions before it all came out.

I saw a friend today who has been through a similar situation but a couple of years ago. She is one of the strongest women I've ever met. If I can become 1/2 the woman she is, I'll be winning at this.

dancing

So today's the day I'm meeting ow DH. I haven't seen the messages yet so I guess he's holding in to them to show me face to face.
I must remember to take tissues.

DC are going to a family event with DH so I'll be emotional anyway.

I'm going to make an appointment to see another lawyer.
Speaking to my friend yesterday and she was concerned about my housing situation. And suggested that DH might be attempting to shift my position to such an unstable place, ie homeless, in order to extract DC from me. She was adamant I get advice, so much so she offered to pay for it!!

I will phone round a few places on Monday and see what I can do.

I'm lazing in bed dreading starting the day but I guess I need to move. Ds and dd are already up but I can't seem to just get on with it in the morning atm.

I know it's quieter on here at the weekend but I guess I'm just putting it down to straighten my head.

Hope it goes as well as it possibly can for you today onit

Good luck today !!!! I hope you get the answers you need!

Onit - I will be honest , your friends advice isn't the greatest.

I would ignore. There isn't a judge that would a) see your DC out of their own home or b) allow your DH to take your DC .

To even go down that route , all your DHs seedy goings on would be played out in court in front of judge - I'm not sure your DH would want that , and b) even if he did as I said before, their isn't a judge in this land that would allow him custody.

You will be absolutely fine.

I'm not sure I'll get answers because I think he believes his own bullshit!

He's had 3 months to contract his narrative and, like all the best lies, the foundations are set in the truth.
But he forgets I lived it too. And where he saw disrespect from me, he was justifying his own disrespectful feelings towards me. Where he was feeling unloved, he was unloving me.
He has an issue with my work ethic because he refused to believe I was actually ill.
These are his issues. Not mine.
I miss him like crazy but the more I learn about the thing he's become, the less that matters because the man I miss is gone and won't ever come back.
I need to learn who he is now so I don't underestimate his ability to hurt me. He has all the cards financially and will be able to afford a decent lawyer if it comes to that.
That's why I need to know what he said in those texts and emails.
I'm done feeling sorry for him.
He's having a midlife crisis?
He's thrown away his family?
He's made bad choices?
He didn't think through the consequences?
Tough fucking luck!

The shit that's happened to me in the last few years was not my choice and I lived through it.
He can live through the consequences of this and if that means he suffers; good! He deserves to.