Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I really thought I'd heard it all but for fucks sake that really takes the biscuit.
Talk about grasping. Your work ethic???
What a fucking arsehole.

Omit when you were looking at him and listening did you realise how fucking awful he is?

And the ow.. Has he approved her ethics??
Bwahaahaaaa....

Onit, use this to make today the first day of the rest of your live. I predict that very soon you'll realise that he was actually holding you back anyway.

I hope he gets an infection from ow's cunt and his cock turns black and drops off.

So I'm awake.
I have slept but not well.

I think it's clear that he fell out of love with me not because I disrespected him or didn't love him but because of these feelings he projected on to me.
He disrespected me because of my illness and the way my bereavements affected me mentally (my work ethic) and because he stopped loving me.
I can't feel anything but disappointment about that. It was not something I could control. And it was something which I asked him many times to understand. To read up on. And he never did.

It appears he has been living with me for literally years, while entirely detached from me as a wife and friend. And the scariest thing about that is I didn't realise. I had no inkling that something was wrong until he'd already lined up the ow.
It scares me that my judgement, my knowledge of him was so poor.
I feel guilt about that. I feel sorry for how he must've felt during this time. Unable to express himself and hiding his feelings. I have been in pain for years due to all the things that have happened to me and my family but all this time he was crumbling beside me and I never noticed. My best friend was hating me and I never noticed. And his justification for not speaking is because I was ill.

I'm glad he's gone. It's the right thing. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't respect me, or love me and has such obvious (now) contempt for me.
In the last few weeks I have grown disrespectful if him because of what he's done over the last few months. In time I will grow out of love with him.
It just all seems very sad. I feel like an observer of my own life and it's just sad. For the want of a few arguments or telling the truth, we might still be a family. I have some culpability in this but ultimately he chose not to say how he was feeling and it broke us. I can't go back and be less ill or less bereaved. And I think, at least in his head, that's what he couldn't handle.

I'm not responsible for his choices about how he dealt with that. He chose to internalise it. And he killed his love for me.

Thanks anty
Bit of a X post I think.
It's all just very sad.
We had a really great thing once. When I was well.
But illness changed me.
And I guess I know now that it changed him too.

It truly was the right thing for you to see him and listen. He's spouting a load of bollocks of course but you don't need to be with such a pathetic man who can't stand by for better for worse, in sickness and in health.. I don't know the legalities of access but if you don't trust him with the children, don't send them.

You're made of steel. Don't forget that.

I don't trust him because he is a stranger.
I don't trust him because I don't know him.

He spent years compartmentalising his feelings. He can reason that away. I know he doesn't understand why I don't trust him. He loves his kids.
But I thought he loved me. And it's his love I don't trust. But I'm projecting now.
He said something about me always talking about saving "the family" and how his feelings for me are separate from his feelings for "the family"
I guess it's another fundamental difference. When we first had ds we became a family. A husband a wife a child. A unit. I put the unit first. I'm unclear why this was wrong.

My health kick this year was putting the unit first. I was well enough to attempt the effort to work on my health. It's been bloody hard work. But I did it for the team. I couldn't have got through the hardest bits if the only motivation I had was purely selfish. Yes, I have gained a lot by my hard work but I think what my children have got out of it and what I was hoping my husband was going to get would far outweigh mine.
If he'd not already attached himself to ow he might have appreciated what I was trying to do. If he'd been here he might've heard me say I was looking forward to our life together again.
I guess I was just too late in finding the strength. By about 3 months.

I hope it's given you some closure.
He sounds a lot like my ex...going through the motions, compartmentalising his feelings.
When the shit hits the fan...when they've found someone else...it's no wonder we don't understand them. They've got so good at being secretive it's like you've been living with a stranger bonnet.

Don't feel too sorry for him. He could have spoken up at any time...so could mine.

He's using your illness as an excuse to justify his behaviour.
He just bided his time till a bit of flotsam came floating by...just like mine.

Onwards and upwards . The truth has set you free.

You weren't too late.

I'm learning that some men can produce reasons for shitty behaviour when caught out but can't explain why they said nothing before.

I feel hollow.
I'm waiting on the DC coming home. I want to hole up and remove myself from the world.
The weather seems better this morning though (it's been raining for days) and we should take advantage.
I will try to see a friend today. My strength is dwindling. I'm questioning my character, my personality, my soul.

How ill was I? Could I have done more? Would it have made a difference?
I am not a quitter. But I have failed at being a good wife.

He questioned my work ethic. Well I guess he's forced me into proving him wrong. I am so tired I could cry. But I am up and waiting for my DC.

Don't you think he failed at being a good husband?

He has done what they all do.Excused his low behaviour by minsimisin his part in it and transferring the blame to you.he has to do this, justify his actions, so he can live with himself. He has probably even convinced himself-which is why it seems so plausible and why you are now taking it on board and questioning yourself. It's what mine did.Its what they nearly all do.
No one is perfect in a relationship.We all make mistakes and sometimes we fail. I know I did.But if you are with someone decent they will help you pick yourself up and you'll do what's needed to get through it.none of what he has described as his reasons are enough to justify what he has done or excuse it.
You can't help having been ill. He can help being so vile as to have started sleeping with your friend.

Don't buckle bonnet.
You were I'll. You can't help that.
He could help cheating.

One of the things I got was I didn't iron his shirts. Yes, that was when it was all over.
Never once did he say to me, if you have a bit of time today would you iron those few shirts for me.
Didn't matter then that the house was kept immaculate. Therell always be a twig to beat you with.

The more you are willing to stand there, and accept it, the more they'll find to thrash you.

Tell him to fuck off!

I won't do it again.

I'm seeing ow DH at the weekend. Not sure what it'll achieve. But I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.
And I might be able to help him out.

Lol

I think meeting the husband might be quite therapeutic. You can fill in the missing gaps in your knowledge.
I didn't meet my exh ows husbands as they had already split up but he didn't like me contacting the wives of his friends who had cheated .
That really got under his collar...lol

I know of two couples . The woman cheated with the man from the other and the other two got together. Worked really well for the kids. Sorry, not suggesting that...it just reminded me. Not everyone gets the opportunity to meet with the other injured party so I'm sure you'll get some answers.

At least you won't be listening to your husbands sanctimonious slobber ...
;-)

When I went to CAB the guy I spoke to told me a story of 2 couples in his church who'd done something similar dowser
I don't think it's an option though it would be very tidy

The husband of the woman in my case offered to come round with some wine at one point. I politely declined-it was all Jeremy Kyle enough already

Hes coming to meet me and I almost offered him dinner
Innocently. But I stopped myself in case it was misconstrued.

OP you're really overthinking too much.

You need to put thoughts & energies into moving forward - not working out how & why & what if.

The moment you start asking those questions you're on a hiding to nothing.

Accept it , don't try to understand - because you won't (&you don't need to).

Sorry if that sounds harsh but Iv been where you are & you will really slow down your recovery ( & the best outcomes for you & the DC) if you continue to try & unravel it all.

Within a week I had applied for my tax credits, been to the CAB, seen a solicitor & emptied the house of every single item belonging to him.

We're going somewhere neutral.

But I can't help thinking how pissed off it would make or respective spouses

I have done all that too lotus
I'm going to gumtree our bed.

Agree bonnet. I sure it'll get back to your husband...eventually.
Yes, igot rid of our bed . Didn't need a five foot monster anymore when I didn't have to share it so boughta nice four feet six double.
Redid all the house all white.
I literally painted him out of my life.

Therapeutic. Much.

It felt good.

Have you got rid of all his possessions. I got a friend to help as he only took his best stuff.

We put it in bags in the garage. A couple of years later it was flung in the skip.

My friend ended up with the OW's DH, much to the annoyance of the OW and my friend's exH!

Shit, wrong thread. Sorry! Self reporting.