Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Take care of yourself onit xxx

You've lost an astonishing amount of weight. Well done you.
Hope you are very proud of your achievement.

I'm proud.
But if I could go back and change what's happened I would put it all back.

Just reading your post and had to leave a msg. You sound like a saint! I would have gone berserk on them both! And dh is a manipulative weak minded twat! Your clearly better off without him, as you seem surprised by how strong and capable you really are! Personally I would fleece the fucker, especially if he has bad mouthed your dc.

Here's to your girl power moment! You deserve the damn bottle!

X

stay strong onit xx

I'm supposed to be seeing him tonight. Once the DC go to sleep. At his place. It seems more neutral than at home and it means I can see if she's been there too

I've gone easy on him up to now. But I want some answers not from the script either. Proper solid answers.

What do I need to ask him? What will help me get over this?
I want to know all of it. The years of unhappiness where he didn't speak up. The last 3 months of conspiring with her. What actually happened when her DH found out and if that forced his hand.
But I'm sure there are more probing questions that I'm not smart enough to ask.

If you've been me, what should I ask?
Please help me make the most of this opportunity. I'm not sure I can do it more than once.

Onit I'm not sure anything you ask would make it easier for you. You've been through so much with the loss of your parents and the infertility, along with your illness.

He and her cared for nobody else but themselves. What could he possibly say. It's not like he came to you with a list of what was wrong before the affair.

I'd want to know how it went from being a group of friends , to them having sex. Just how did that line get crossed and was there any guilt or consideration about the DCS, you or her DH.

I imagine her DH feels as betrayed by your DH as you do about her.

I hate the OW on your behalf - what kind of woman does that to a friend. The words that come to mind and my sentiments would be too awful to put in writing here.

My heart went out to your little DS who wants you to be together. You go through the stress of infertility and then he goes and does this.

I would also like to congratulate you on the weight loss. At least he couldn't use that as an excuse to leave you.

I wish and hope you find happiness once you come through the other side of this. You sound like a lovely woman.

I have read this thread this morning and will tell you about my experience - my H left me for ow after 20 yrs we were v happy he met here with a friend whilst working away as his mate chatted up her friend his 1st words to here were I'm a happy man man with 3 Dc 6 mths later he left me she moved jobs and they rented a small house. After 2 months all the agreed monies/seeing children changed to their advantage. After a couple of years they moved 200 mile away back to her town and don't see the dc - fast forward to now I am happily married my dc still miss their dad but don't see him ow left him another man - karma I still feel sad about the good bits but I am very happy and you will be to X

But all his answers will just blame you. His tone may be reasonable and even gentle - but by god he'll make you aware. It was all you. Your fault for it all.

People who blow up their families can't blame themselves (cos they need to think they're still a nice guy) and they certainly can't blame the OW (who is just misunderstood by everyone and an ickle victim of a shit marriage really). But someone must be to blame for all the distress. So you have to be demonised.

If you hadn't done X, if Y hadn't happened, if you hadn't been so focused on Z.....then he'll say "look I'm certainly not blaming you...it's just that..." and the next part will somehow in circular language blame YOU.

Also....he will rewrite history. "The years of unhappiness when he didn't speak up" will turn into him being NOBLE for not speaking up. He was being SELFLESS! He should be given credit! He swallowed his unhappiness FOR YOU!

Basically there is no version of events that he can commit to that makes him look like a shit. If there are tears, they will be for himself cos you're bullying and berating him now and just don't understand him and never did.

You must go into this expecting all of this. Before you go, have a look on Chumplady and see if there's a script thats reeled out on these occasions. Steel yourself with it.

Does he know you are meeting the ow dh?
If this why he's meeting you?

Be careful of this ^^ is he trying to preempt what you will find out.

Trust your instincts onit, maintain eye contact with him, stay calm.
Ask him to tell you what happened.
This may be the only opportunity you have to get truthful answers. Cry when you get home but control the situation as much as you can while you are talking.
Try to take it all in and listen carefully. Try not to interrupt if you can.

After he's finished I'd ask him what he sees happening in the future.

BIt confused. What is the purpose of this meeting.

He doesn't know me and ow DH are in contact.

Purpose is to try to get some answers. And maybe so I can slap him into next week.

I must try to bite my tongue and let him speak. If I give him enough rope he might hang himself.

I want to know why he didn't speak to me. What he said to her about me/our marriage. How he can justify his behaviour? How he feels about sacrificing time with his kids for her? Can I trust him with my kids? How long he spent being unhappy? Was his hand forced by her DH finding out? Has she been in his flat? What he's saying in counselling? How he felt a 3 month fling was worth more than his kids and wife. Does he feel any guilt about stringing me along before I kicked him out? Is he aware what a fucking coward he is?

I'm fully aware I will not come out well in this but I'm not guilty of anything other than choosing a quitter for a husband and having a shitty run for the last few years.

You won't know whether he's telling the truth, he'll say any old crap. I wouldn't give him the oxygen of even being interested in his weasel words - try and cultivate an air of disinterested pity

As I said I will attempt to sit quietly and let him talk.
I'm going to his place so I will be able to leave at any time.

I am feeling strong today. He's coming to collect the DC in a few minutes and I'm going for a run. I'm going round once the DC are asleep.

I hope you get something of what you need from this meeting. I wish you the very best of luck in sticking to what you want to do and keeping calm and quiet so he says more. It feels potentially explosive though, as he is likely to come out with an awful lot of stuff you're going to be bursting to react to. Deep breath in when he does, then exhale slowly, consciously lowering your shoulders and unclenching your fists while giving him a death stare from hell. Good luck

I think you're torturing yourself by going through with this. He will either tell you what he thinks you want to hear, or tell you a load of bullshit to make himself sound better.

I don't think that you can ask him if she's been to his flat either - sorry! I know you want to know all of this stuff, but really, that isn't your concern now. Likewise his counselling and what he's saying. The counselling relationship is a private one, so that clients open up and benefit from the sessions. He's at no liberty to tell you what he says, and in all honesty he probably shouldn't. Again, I know you want answers, but this isn't the way to get them.

I'm worried that you are going to set yourself back a long way with this, and cause yourself even more distress.

Agree Agatha

Those conversations should have happened at the beginning when he was on the back foot.
Now, he's gone...he's just somebody that you used to know...at least demote him to that in your head.

( feels that this isn't going to end well)

I understand the concerns, but I really feel onit needs a conversation. After all those years a marriage & 2 children at the very least it may be closure.
I understand why you want it, I hope you get what you need.
Sending you strength

I've been reading your posts from the beginning and although there is no Om I am leaving my h as I genuinely have fallen out of love with him. I do blame him for a lot of it but I've found myself not telling the whole truth to him to keep the peace, not hurt him too much, to not instigate an argument and to try and justify my leaving (valid reasons to me but not to him). What I'm trying to say is I doubt he will be truly honest with you as he will protect himself and be justifying his actions.

I appreciate the concern. I really do. And I know what I'm opening myself up to but l need to hear something, anything that makes sense of this. Even if it's only his version of the truth.

hotwaterbottle I understand what you're saying. And the fact you believe holding back a little is protecting him in some way.
But you aren't having an affair. Presumably you tried to work it out and, even if not, you didn't bring a 3rd person in to mess it all up.
He hasn't told me anything. I deserve to know something. And no matter how painful it is, I want to hear it. If only to make him say the words.
He said at the beginning he wanted to help me through this. Right up until I got angry and threw his ass out. Since then he's been on the defensive. Probably because I've not been able to hold my sarcasm at bay.
But he owes me some kind of explanation. We had 20 years. I want to know how 3 months can change that. Not even 3 months. 4 hours. They had 4 hours. Then the deceit and lies started.
He prides himself on being a great dad and a good man. I want to see him believe that after he says whatever he's going to say.

Yes I understand. I guess I've been telling my h for years I'm unhappy and why, he knew how he could change things & I gave him chance after chance so you are right it's different. I hope it goes ok.

What Elspeth said...
He is unlikely to tell you the full truth. But I hope you get something out of it.
Also I wouldn't be sure he doesn't know you are in touch with the other woman's husband-the husband might have told her and she might have told yours...so do guard against giving anything away.
That said I wanted this conversation too.I wanted to know how exactly it started, why if they are both such nice people as they keep telling everyone they are they didn't tell me, why they put me in numerous social situations with the three of us going to gigs etc which they could have avoided and during which I was clearly being treated like a massive mug, why they felt the need to slag me off is such personal terms whilst she in particular was going out of her way to tell me how much I meant to her and going on holidays etc, when exactly they had used the kids as an excuse to spend time together. I didn't get answers on all of it and those I did get made me feel worse for a bit and then very angry-still am-but in some ways that's good.
Good luck op X

Onit having been in your position I would have had far less of the conversations that you are about to open yourself up to.

I honestly don't think you do know what you're letting yourself in for.

But obviously what's right for you might be different .

I'm back and have heard his side.
Apparently he felt unloved and disrespected. I always put myself above him. And I didn't do anything with my career break. But he's not blaming me.
His feelings changed when I was ill and though he had no intention of leaving (despite despising me) when he developed feelings for her he knew it was over.
Also something about my work ethic wrt my career. Too much time off sick.
I asked if he was my manager or my husband

Anyway, he didn't make me any unhappier and I now know that he is a despicable person who fell in love with another despicable person.

I wish I had taken notes. I said very little really. But what he said amounted to very little.
He doesn't love me, hasn't for ages, he loves her. They want to be together.

I actually feel ok.
I'm a better person than he's painted me. And I don't need his validation anymore.
On the flip side he's a much worse person than everyone thought. And I know it pains him to know that everyone's sympathy is with me when I've driven him to this.

Well fuck him; and the horse he rode in on.
My old life is over and my new one begins today.
I know I'll probably break down tomorrow or the next day and many more days after that but, for the moment I am ok. He is a stranger to me and the only thing that bothers me is that this stranger has contact with my DC. I don't trust him and I told him so.
I also made it clear that she will never, ever have contact with my DC. Ever.

I am exceptionally tired now and need to sleep (if I can)

Night night