Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

You are probably right about him on all counts...and also exactly that-he has made the choice based on his need to have his ego stroked by the attention of someone new-he will have to take the consequences to his lifestyle to some degree-more than he has seems prepared to so far from what you've said.
Why not message the woman's husband yourself-the quicker you get his side, the quicker you will be able to stop speculating, get to the truth and begin to try and rebuild.

That said and I know this is hard-you might know he's capable of my being a nice person but that won't necessarily translate into how he parents the kids when he has them. He can still be a good dad to them and simultaneously a nasty piece of work to you.its hard to separate the two in your own head but the kids will thank you for it longer term as it will be important for them to have a good relationship with them. I have got very good at gritting my teeth of late-by the time the DD's are 18 I may have severe dental issues!

This is really awful. I think he's definitely going to come back to you. Because "he loves you blabalblablbla" if he actually does please dont't let him back into your life, he already hurt you once, and broke the family you two have created, he will most probably do it again. Hope you're safe

He's not coming back phoebe
Even when I was begging him to stay I still told him if he left is not take him back.
A year ago I would've.
But I guess I've changed too. Though I don't think I've changed; more I've found the confidence I used to have before infertility, back to back pregnancies, pnd, massive weight gain and chronic illness took their toll.
One of the worst things is that I could see our marriage becoming what it should always have been while he was plotting his exit strategy. The deception and personality change is so unsettling. I feel my judgement must be questionable at best and, at worst, I was so entirely ignorant of his feelings it's no wonder he fell out of love with me.
Who could blame him?

Also, her DH has been back in touch. It'll be sometime this week before we can meet.
Meantime, I'll try not to think about what might be in their messages.

I'm so lonely.
I can't stop sobbing.
I miss him so much.
He's been my whole world for so long I don't know how to be without him.
I want to die. My heart feels like it will burst because I can't believe that he's hurting me like this. I don't deserve this.
My head aches with trying to understand what's happened.
I don't know what to do.
I want to make him see how much I love him.
I don't know if I can do this.
I don't want this.
I want someone to hold me and tell me it was all a mistake.

Oh darling. You are in shock and grief. Whilst you can't imagine getting through this and surviving without him. You absolutely will. Right now don't think about too many plans etc. Focus on baby steps. I know there is a lot of detail you want to understand but sometimes the whys and what ifs become like an obsession. Frankly he doesn't deserve that much thought. The other woman's husband will have his own anger, torment and grief but please try and avoid being part of his drama it's easy to get sucked in.

At any point (if the opportunity arose) if you are tempted to give your OH a another chance, I want you to remember just how you are feeling right now. Those feelings of heartbreak, betrayal, confusion and grief are all you need to remind you that this man deserves no more chances, whereas YOU deserve so much more. You are a valuable loveable human being and over time you will learn to trust again AND you will be happy again.

Another one de-lurking to send my support. I'm 5 years out the other side of this, and I'm doing great, and you will be too. My kids are happy and settled with 50/50 care. I have an amazing boyfriend, and am on good terms with exh and OW. It feels like the end of your life I know, but it's the beginning of a new one.

There is no fast forward button, and of course the stages of loss aren't linear, nowhere near. But I can tell from your posts that you're a strong woman and have your shit together, and I know that you will be absolutely fine. Better than fine. Chin up and keep going. I promise it gets better

It's natural to feel like that at times op...but gradually those times get fewer and further between. You won't give up because you can't.you've children that will pull you through this. I know you want someone to take all of this away-I wish it were possible.
I hear your pain op and I wish I could help more.but the truth is you have to pull yourself out of this and carry on even when all you want to do is hide.

I'm sorry you are both finding it so difficult, onit and BR. Take heart from PSheep's post.

I'm finding reading posts makes me more pissed off with DH and influences me to want to kick him out . He discussed leaving me when the kids were older with her but said it was coming from her and he didn't want to upset her . That hurt, made me angry but also made me wonder if I wanted to be married to someone so weak as to be carried along by her but then again he didn't want to upset her...it's all a fucking mess and I'm annoyed he's asleep, breathing too loudly while I've been awake too early.

onit

As awful as it feels now, and will feel seeing those messages, it will get so much better. The man you love no longer exists and you don't need the man he has become dragging you down.

It will be hard, but you know you are worth so much more than him.

Onit ...I know the pain...I know how much you want and miss him and I know how your world has been destroyed. That was me 4 years ago...I have home a chance to come back twice. ..and he went again...last time I kicked him out. I've waited for him to see the light...lol....I doubt he will even though he is miserable. ...but it was all about him. His needs. His unhappiness....I thought I was flinging it for our family. But i now have to dd's who have had to go through the grief of losing him twice. One of the dd's now has MY problems and is very clingy. ..I hate the fact I was so focused on him. ...I'm now building a life...it's hard. But now I'm trying to give back time and love to them ...I hope it's not too late. Please don't do the same. ..I still have says when I fantasize he will walk through the door a new man...but I know it would be the worse thing I could do to have him back. So keep doing what you are doing. Do think too much about the future. Tiny steps.Good luck.

And ignore my terrible typos😂

I'm ok.
Sorry I wasn't ignoring your posts. For some reason the page wouldn't load. I thought no one was answering. I'm glad I was wrong.

Thank you for your continuing support.
And barbara for you too.

I hate this feeling of hopelessness.
I've been crabby with the DC this morning and they'll be going away soon enough and I'll feel like I've lost my limbs

You do go in and out of your emotions bonnet. Anger, disbelief, sadness...the whole gamut

Good news about her DH. I spoke to the DH of exh first one. ( I call them thing one and two but they were really the tip of the iceberg there's been dozens.)

Anyone her DH said to get rid , the mans an arse. Unlike me, they'd actually split up before my exh arrived on the scene.

As I was told so little, I found it really helped me to find out everything.
Him leaving his emails open that day was a gift.
You could almost see his tongue drooling as he told her to have the blindfold ready and when she told him shed be wearing her shawl where he would catch a little glimpse of her pubic hair, I imagined our little fat twat in paroxysms of excitement.

So, don't expect any high Shakespeare , or shall I compare thee to a summers day nonsense....that will be about the level of it.

Detach from it and have a good laugh!

That's what we all did, me and my girlfriends of course?

You'll have your ups and downs . Today maybe not so good...but hey, yourself still here and it will get better .

Trust us ;-)

Had to go and collect ds. He wouldn't settle down at his dad's.

When I was putting him in bed here he just said he wanted to be with daddy AND mummy.
I told him that wasn't going to happen now. Daddy doesn't want to be with mummy anymore but we both still love you.
He said that made him sad and I agreed that it made me sad too and that was ok. We were allowed to be sad but if we keep talking about it and sharing how we feel,
It'll get easier.

Now he's asleep, I'm in the bath that I had to abandon to go and get him and I'm raging at DH.
My phone was charging (not near me) and I didn't realise it was on silent. He tried to call me 9 times.
My bad. But... I have a landline. And he never tried it.
Then he sends a text while I'm on my way home with ds to say he hasn't a pull up on because he forgot to buy them!
Forgive me but I texted back asking if shopping was getting in the way of his socialising.
Prick!

I'm so sorry OP. I have read all your posts and one thing glares at me.

It's always been about your DC. Have you and ex DH spent ANY quality time together alone since having DC ? Is this what the Arse wants with the (shitty bitch) OW?

I'm sorry I had to ask this xxx

Keepitreal I am ASTONISHED that you feel the need to start on that angle now.

If he felt neglected there are other ways of handling that than fucking off with someone else. FGS.

No. You're right. We've spent very little time as a couple since dcs. Even holidays have been mostly with friends. But my DC are only 6 & 5. It IS all about them right now.

We haven't had a lot of support. Mil did a little but on her terms.
We probably had 3-4 nights to ourselves a year since dd was born.
But life has been shitty.
We suffered infertility. 2 years of sex every other day takes its toll. Then I had hyperemesis throughout pregnancy with ds. Pnd/anxiety after. Had to stop treatment when I fell pregnant with dd when ds was 9 months old. Had an OK pregnancy but was getting bullied at work. 6 weeks after dd was born my dm died. Long illness but unexpected. I had a 19 month old and a newborn. I also had hypothyroidism but no doctor diagnosed me because "of course you're tired!" I put on 5/6 stone. Then my ddad died too. I've been bedridden again with massive iron deficiency and unmanaged thyroid problems.
It's been hard on DH. But not a picnic for me either. Date nights weren't high on our list of priorities.
We lost each other a bit in it all but I thought we were almost through it. I've lost nearly 5 stone, I'm healthy. DC are getting easier (ish) as they get older. But DH started withdrawing. Maybe he was afraid of the light at the end of the tunnel while I was sprinting for it
Our last trip away was in March. With friends but no DC.
This was where he started the affair. With my friend.
Under the noses of me, her husband and half a dozen other friends who can't believe it either.

Ok , I'm sorry if I upset. I wish I could wave a magic spell.

I just asked building onit ( who I support and just asked an honest question) has responded

Sounds like you have been through too much already op,- please look after yourself xxx

keepitreal it was a valid question. You've not upset me. This is my life and I've put it up for judgement/advice/support.
Every comment helps me work through my own thoughts and feelings and, trust me, I'm my own worst critic.