Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

If you're not happy with the times of viewings then don't allow it. That was cruel when children in bed

I'm so sorry for you onit. Absolutely refuse viewings if not convenient. I don't think it's in the kids' best interests people traipsing through the house like that when they're in bed.

Good idea about you taking the equity and buying a house (outright if possible). Then I'd say fuck him and refuse to get a job.

I would take the house off the market now tbh. You've enough upheaval to deal with.
He shouldn't be telling you anything about OW unless you have asked. Him giving you that detail is him trying to pretend that what is actually a seedy affair is Romeo and bloody Juliet-makes it easier for him to live with himself if you believe that. You are right, they do deserve each other.

What a good idea that you get all of the equity of the house sale and let him have his share eventually.

In England you would not have to sell until your children are 18 - their home is protected for them in the settlement, and they have the right to stay there. Are you sure it has to be sold now? If so, please make sure you do something as you have suggested above, to ensure you have a home before he runs off with the balance.

Thinking of you

I asked him about what happened. I also told him I knew the minute I saw him afterwards.

I'm becoming more and more angry with her now.
She was my friend. Knew we had kids and a life long relationship.
How could she do that?
I want to confront her.
I want her to see the hurt she's caused. The implications of which could last my DC into adulthood.
I want to smash her face against the wall.
I want to hurt her like I've never wanted to hurt another human being.
I thought these feelings would subside but if anything they're getting stronger.
What can I do to get some satisfaction?

You can't really is the answer I'm afraid.

I took the revenge route.
It worked for me and I don't regret it.
However I still lay awake at night thinking, did I fuck her up enough?

( before anyone says- I didn't focus only on the ow. I'm not asking for approval in answering the op)

I'm grateful to my friends who persuaded me down from doing more. I think anything else wouldn't have been good for me.

At the end of the day. The ow lives a truly miserable life due to her own behaviour that is absolutely nothing to do with me.

You sound like a really good person, and much more dignified than I was.
You can't see it yet but you will.
You are already so much better than they are.

That's your satisfaction.

Up what did you do? Please tell.

DC have gone to his for their tea tonight. I'm fretting. I was going to go for a run and I wish I had now but too late.
Their first overnight is on Thursday. I'm going to my friends for company that night as I'm sure I'll be in pieces.
School finishes up on Wednesday here. I'm both dreading and looking forward to it.
While the DC have been at school and nursery I've had time to fall apart and get us on our feet.
When they're around all day with little to distract them (can't throw money at days out as I'm now extremely poor and totally dependent on an arsehole) I worry they'll pick up on my anger/sadness/confusion which I've been hiding pretty well so far.

Still want to rip ow hair out by the roots

I too wanted to do all sorts but I reined myself in.
I lived well....really well. Dont regret a penny of the money I spent.
Ow is a widow now. That would have been me.

I don't wish her any I'll will. She took the fat twat off my hands.

I'm a million times happier now.

The worst thing I do these days after she's been sniffing round my grand kids is to refer to her as the ' old trout'.

Makes them laugh...that's the main thing!

dowser

hill
I do not want to end up in the Daily Fail.
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you 😈

Can't you nc lol

Ive sat tonight and cried while I drafted an email to ow,

I hope you're happy.
I really do.
I haven't slept since he told me.
I wonder how you're sleeping.
Do you even care that my beautiful children are asking when daddy's coming home or why he's not here for breakfast.
That my son is worried about his daddy being lonely.
Do you care that you've both turned me into a liar. I don't tell my children lies. Because of you I'm lying to my children. Telling them that this is for their benefit. That it'll be great as at daddy's house they'll have bunk beds!
My kids will grow up without their father in their life as he should be because you were both weak and cowardly.
My kids will grow up nonetheless. And when they ask me why their daddy left, at an appropriate age, I will tell them the truth and why I had to lie.
They will make up their own minds about the kind of man he is and the kind of woman you are.
I wonder how could you pursue him knowing he had young kids and a 20 year relationship with someone who called you a friend.
I hope those people who still call you friend know what you're capable of and hold you at arms length.
I also hope you know that I've not only lost my husband. Ive lost my past and my future. I've lost almost my entire family. I have neither of my parents to lean on. I have lost the only parents I have left; his parents. And the support and security of having that.
I have lost Christmases with family. So have my children.
I have lost family holidays. So have my children. They will probably not remember our family holidays by the time they're grown up.
I have lost friends who have been in my life almost as long as he has.
I have a lifetime of happy memories which are forever tainted by his betrayal.
The happiest days of my life; my wedding day; the birth of my children.
The worst days of my life when he comforted me; the death of my wonderful mum; and my dad.
Tainted. Because of his lies.
Do you even care?
What have you lost?
I also hope you know that I was you once. The difference was he wasn't married with children. And I wasn't much more than a child. I didn't know better. Maybe this is my karma.

How could you enjoy spending time with a man who was willingly sacrificing time with his family.
I'm sure he confided in you about issues he had with our marriage. How lovely for you. A better person would have suggested he speak to his wife about those problems.
He didn't.
I wonder if you'll share this with him.
I wonder if he'll defend you. And tell you how crazy I am.
Did he tell you that I begged him to stay? That I pleaded for a chance to save our marriage? That I loved him enough to forgive him? That I'd do whatever it took to save our children from the pain of a broken home.
A home YOU wrecked.
Maybe if you'd been a stronger person, and walked away from whatever feelings you had, my kids would still have a dad and I would not be a broken shell of a woman.
I believe that a 20 year relationship which was happy for almost all of that time, is worth a fight.
You, and he, obviously don't.
I can't be sure that we could've worked it out but I will never get over the fact we never got the chance.
I have virtually no adult memories without him in them.
My home is filled with photos, books, music, movies. They are all memories of our life together.
I have children who look like him, have his mannerisms, his habits, and I ache when I know I'll never be without that.
I don't know if that bothers you.
I presume not.
Selfish people are not known for their compassion or empathy.
I thought I knew my husband. But since you turned his head he has become a stranger. I mourn the loss of the man I love. He is no longer with me. Or the kids who love him. He is gone. I doubt he's with you. He looks like him but the man I love would never do what he's done. The man I love was a wonderful husband and father. Who took care of me and our children when I was bedridden. Who worked so hard to be the best daddy he could be. And often was the better mummy too when I couldn't be. I've been on a long road to recovery and I was making lots of progress. I was becoming the mother I knew I wanted to be and I could see the wife I wanted to be coming out of the dark times too. But I never had the chance to show him what our marriage could be. Because you stood in between us and asked him to choose a new opportunity. And he did. He's not the man I married. Or chose to have children with. He's not the man who supported me through illness and bereavement.
The man you have is a weak, selfish, lying, deceitful cheat. A real catch.
I love him more than you can possibly imagine.
I love him.
And I hope he's happy. It's all I ever wanted. He's all I ever wanted. You've made me have to live in a world without him in it and I DESPISE YOU for it.

I hope you're happy.

I probably won't send it though I really want to.

Here it is.

don't send it, please

No, don't send it, you might feel better momentarily, but long term you'll regret it - keep your dignity

Oh god I just want her to know what they've done.

I want to send it to them both

They don't care what they have done.

That missive hands all of you to her. It makes it clear you would take her grubby second hand leavings back if she just clicked her fingers. It also supports the idea that your poor deluded husband got simply tempted away. She simply does not have the power, but right now she is dizzy with the thought of it.

Don't send it. It demeans you. Hold onto your dignity. You will be glad you did down the line.

I'm avoiding having a drink. I really want something to drink but I haven't had anything since this all started.
My impulse control will disappear if I pour gin on it.

Good idea. Keep your wits about you.

He is no prize. She thinks she won the lottery but she got the turd.

Any Fucker I love your advice.

I won't send it.
It's not how I work.
I did need to write it down though.
I'm not good at keeping my thoughts to myself.

I used to keep diaries. I have a big box of them somewhere. A bit old fashioned. This thread would appear to be my diary now.
Maybe I should blog.
Anyone know how to do that?

anyfucker he used to be my turd!

He is not a possession. He voted with his feet. I hope you will soon come to accept she is welcome to the piece of shit.

Don't send it. They don't care what they have done. They'll just sneer at it. She doesn't love your kids like your do so she doesn't care what they have done to them. Stay strong and resist the urge to send it.

You know what you do with turds - flush them away and be glad when they've gone - even your own

A diary is a good idea (any notebook will do) but don't post too much online.

Focus on the stuff he did that pissed you off

I'm grateful I no longer had to

Tolerate constant footy/sport on TV
His sulking
His bad temper
His smell (especially stinky feet)
His complete inability to locate the laundry hamper
His complete financial incompetence
His political ignorance
His stupid jokes
His vomiting everywhere if he got too drunk (total lightweight)
His being crap in bed...

You get the idea