Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I can't afford a solicitor.
What money I have I'll need to keep for housing.
In Scotland I'll get 50%.
I'm not giving anymore on contact. I'm aware I've been generous but I won't use my DC to punish him (much as I want to)

I want to have more a concrete financial offer before going to see another lawyer for a free session and I'll get advice then.

I'm reasonably content with his longer term proposal (though think it's fair rather than generous and I'll be telling him that)
The next few months maintenance is not generous. I will be arguing strongly for a better deal here but I'm unsure what my outgoing S will be due to the length of wait for tax credit award to be processed.
Money was always going to be tight during the summer months but he's chosen to move out and he needs to find the extra income to pay for his own rent etc.
I'm aware that when he realises how little he has his resentment to me will only grow. I want to avoid him using money as a weapon against me. I can't fight back there.

Sorry OP, but you can't afford not to have a solicitor.

Do you think you are going to come to a settlement without one? I promise you, you will be done up like a kipper without a lawyer. You have to have one on your side otherwise you just won't know what you should have.

The fees can come out of the final deal. Please, just go and see a solicitor. You can avoid him using money as a weapon against you if you have a solicitor telling him 'you can't do that!'. You can fight back, but only if you know the ground you're standing on. This is what a solicitor is for. You will feel stronger if you have representation. Invest in your future. You CAN fight back.

I wish my mum had had a lawyer. My dad got away with so much and it has impacted her and my dependent sibling in her later years. Please protect your kids.

I get where you are coming from I really do, money is tight short term. When you're almost ready to sign on the dotted line have a solicitor look over it, that's what I'm doing

That's my plan pisssssedofff

I will get legal advice but I don't plan on paying for it.

Once I have something to work with that I can no longer negotiate, I will go and see someone to ensure I/we are not being shafted.

I intend to argue for at least a 60/40 split on equity and concede 50/50 on other assets.
I also plan to argue for more maintenance post January as he's offering less per child than my dsis got from her ex and that was 15 years ago!
He won't like being called cheap. Esp wrt his DC.

you've got this, it'll be fine ☺️

He's currently packing the last of his shit into his car before we get down to money.

He seems angry with me being angry with him.
Maybe it would please him more if I was crying and begging him to stay.

I suggested he should go for counselling to sort out his head. He's in turmoil apparently
Given he seems to be confused about whether he can't stand me because I'm a lazy money grabbing harpie or a strong, capable woman who's not taking any shit, maybe he is confused.

Oh yea, he's going to hate you because he hates himself and that's far too hard to admit.
My brother said to me about my ex and I know say to the kids, good people do bad things. Honestly I don't know when it gets better but it must do eh ? Keep your sense of humour in all this, it's the only way 😎

You really need a lawyer. They won't advise properly for free.

Re the contact I wasn't suggesting punishing him I was suggesting not punishing them or yourself you're allowed time with them too.

My exh and my ex best friend seem to find it very annoying when I even turn up at for example my DD's football matches-it really seems to affront them. I can only put it down to the fact that somewhere deep down they must know that the are deeply unpleasant people and seeing me just reminds them of that.I assume your h is experiencing something similar.
I echo the seeing a solicitor.i had been about to sign away a huge amount of pension that I am eligible for, agree to a low figure for global maintenance and I've literally just found out (in mediation) an hour ago potentially half of 30k savings I had no idea stbexh had. In a way it's a good thing I found out about their affair when I did as it made me less inclined to believe what he was telling me about everything-and angry enough to look into it properly and ask for what's fair.

How are you after seeing him OP?

I'm ok.
I cried a bit towards the end of our meeting.
He's trying to be so businesslike about it but he's upset too. The difference being he's upset about what a shit he's turned out to be when everyone, including himself, thought he was a saint.
He says he feels horrendous so can only imagine I feel a hundred times worse.
I said I probably did and on top of that I was worrying about keeping a roof over mine and Dcs heads.
I suggested that he needs to go away and rethink the idea of 50/50 on the house.
I won't get a mortgage on my half and my pittance of a salary whereas he would potentially be able to borrow as much as our family home is worth as soon as he stops supporting me through my career break.
I also said he'd have to continue that support beyond January until I have enough evidence of earnings to even apply for a mortgage. And then I'd get less than his calculations as if have 2 dependants to declare.
He's going to think about it.

We had to play nice again at dd's nursery graduation where I cried at the thought of all these future events where I'll never get to just enjoy them because he'll be there playing super fucking dad.

He took me and dcs to see his flat which is bare but he's away to buy dcs bunk beds tonight and stopping here on the way back to finish our chat.

As I put dd to bed tonight she asked how long it'd be till daddy came home.
I'm so angry at him for being a fucking coward. He said until he had feelings for ow he'd have just carried on hiding his resentment of me and my illness and had no intention of doing anything else.
I said I'd like to know how he could continue to have feelings for someone with so little disregard of his precious DC and how she could have pursued a man when she was a friend of his wife and knew he had DC.
He is very unhappy and is seeking counselling. But, as I told him, it's a hell of a lot easier being unhappy when you have someone to lean on. And while they're both feeling sorry for themselves for creating hell for their spouses and my DC they get to bond their little 2 man army against the world.
They are obviously perfect for each other. And deserving of what mistrust, guilt, jealousy and misery that will bring to their blossoming love.
Apparently they watched a sunset together and held each other the first time anything happened. And on return from that incident I knew something had changed. And I knew she'd turned his head. But I thought he'd never leave. And I stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would blow over.
Instead it blew up.
I feel sad he wasn't the man I thought he was. The man who took care of my children and my home when I was ill. The man who I loved so much I wanted to give him children more than I wanted not to have them. The man I loved so much I married him even though I'd swore I'd never get married. The man I loved is not a man. He is a cheat. A liar. A fraud. A selfish, deceitful coward.
The past 21 years have been a lie and every memory of almost my entire adult life has been tainted by his betrayal.
I loath him.
And I'm going to take him for every penny that I can get because it's the only way I can punish him on his dcs behalf. And I hope he gets shat on from a great height by his mistress. And I hope she has at least as much bad luck as I have had the last 7 years and gets ill and fat and worn down to a nub by a man who won't communicate.

Fuck them both. And fuck anyone who supports them too.

I'm de-lurking to put myself very, very firmly beside you, onit.

Fuck them both, indeed.

I'm sorry love, I know we keep telling you the same thing but this really will all be a distant memory in time.
Life will be happy again.
In time you will see that you wasted no time at all, you had some happy times and two kids. You still have all that and now a chance to make some new memories.

Well don'e for fighting for what's yours, abso fucking lutely you should be looked after.

Sorry but did he say about the sunset thing? Is he mad?

Why the fuck is he being so cruel as to tell you about their romance? Bastard!

Few is you're right about jealousy mistrust etc, both in real life and on Mn I've learned that couples who are together as a result of an affair often don't trust each other. Not surprising really - if you know your partner is capable of cheating you're going to think they're capable of cheating ON YOU

One of my revenge fantasies was to make my ex think she was cheating on him - I learned there was no need

*fwiw not few argh!

I wish I had MumsNet when my husband fucked off. I would have loved all the great advice that you will surely get here. All I can say is 'It will get better' and 'You will be stronger'. Life goes on and you are a strong woman

Good luck

Echoing what everyone else has said. You will be stronger, healthier and better without him. You already are.

You don't see it, but as a stranger reading your posts I visualise a strong, confident , loyal, remarkable , fierce woman and a devoted loving mum.

Don't stop being you just because he fell out of love with you, his loss.

You are worth a million of him and an infinte amount more than her x

I really despise this man and the OW. How anyone can split up a FRIEND'S marriage family with children THAT THEY KNOW AND HAVE SPENT TIME WITH I do not understand. It's utterly disgusting behaviour.

Please screw this bastard for everything you can get for YOUR KIDS WHO ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH A FAMILY BREAK UP BECAUSE OF TWO DISGUSTING SELFISH BASTARDS and make their lives as financially miserable as possible.

Sending you and them all kinds of horrible karma.

Sorry for all the caps, just so
xxx

BTW on a more positive note, you are better off without him and I can't wait for you to be happy again because you are a brilliant, loving, strong person so you will.

Trying to maintain normality for the dc is only good temporarily. It will help in the immediate aftermath, but long term......it's not possible.
That twat coming to your house 6 days per week to maintain normality is not good.
The dc need to get used to a new order as soon as you're strong enough to support them through it. Things are different. Daddy doesn't live with them anymore, your dh needs to accept that your home isn't his & you cannot facilitate him in your space long term.

I hate this man on your behalf.
Using your illness to justify his inability to keep his dick in his pants.
illness or not, believe me everyone's marriages have times of emotional - financial, medical strain. Only losers use is as an escuse to cheat.
Don't believe him. It's not your fault.

He's going to regret this so much but by then, you just won't care.

Have de-lurked to add my support. Please, please, please get yourself a shit hot lawyer. When I divorced my ex five years ago he tried to offer me a deal. I went to C AB, they gave me a list of solicitors and I found an amazing lady who I had a free initial hour with. I appointed her, and yes she was expensive , I had to borrow money for her fees, but she got me so much in return, far more than he wanted. I think also, you need to detach from him for your own well being so you can heal. Going no contact, apart from kid related messages was the best thing I did. You said a couple of pages back that you don't care about yourself you just want kids to be ok, but please realise they won't be ok if you're not. So look after yourself. My ex offered me 60% of house, I got all of it, solicitor argued that I had put good career on hold to support him by bringing up kids and running home whilst he built his career, and we got amazing deal. A good solicitor is worth so much. Good luck.

I understand why people are saying get a lawyer, the issue and I've faced it myself is when you are without money you can't pay them, you just can't.
She's in Scotland so the rules are different anyway, she knows she can get the pension, house and child support but what else realistically can she expect that a lawyer will do that she isn't already doing ?
I didn't find them particularly helpful neither did my ex they just sound him up for a fight he couldn't win and then charged him £5,000 for the pleasure.
We are now back in the exact same position we were in 2013 on paper only with a lot more animosity between us that will never ever be forgotten.

Second viewing tonight with less than an hours notice.
7, that's right, 7 members of the potential buyers family descended on me at 8.30pm. Dcs in bed. Dd just barely asleep.
Not sure what'll come of it.
Floated the idea that, should the house sell now, I take all the equity to buy a house for me and DC. Then when I'm back at work I get a mortgage and give him his share.
He hadn't thought of that.

Why am I not in bed?

How are you today ? Xx