Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Onit your pain is so so evident but his ow does not deserve your eloquence, you have stated before about your RL Support, lean on them now your true friends will want to help you. My heart broke for you when I read your post, you unburdened yourself and momentarily dropped your guard but the thing is as bad as you feel.now you know that the ow and your ex will.never ever be able to feel 100% happy again because their guilt will overwhelm them, maybe not today, or tomorrow but it will eventually catch up with them. And where does that leave you? Well things can only get better, you have no guilt, nothing to apologise for and you are the tower of strength which your children will lean on. That's why you are doing as well as you are. You have put your children first . Your ex ? Well unfortunately , to be blunt , he put his dick first. Stay strong, Stay positive and Stay being true to you.

And it would appear I'm not sleeping again

Your letter is like a window into your soul.

Please do not send it. The ow shouldn't know that much of you.

I'm glad you stayed off the alcohol.

What do your rl friends say?

Rl friends say don't send it.
And I won't.
I know it's not the right thing to do.
I want her to be as unhappy as me but I know I can't do that by making her feel sorry for me and DC. If that were possible, I'd probably still have a husband; albeit a shitty one. But my DC would be better off.

I know he's the real one to blame too. He made choices which put himself first. And, even though he tried to justify it by saying he'd never done it before, it's just not an option you can consider as a parent. It's part of the deal when you have DC. It's always a compromise if it means not doing exactly as you please. He used to know that.
I guess before it was choices like having to eat at kid friendly places rather than a 'nice' place; or wanting to go to the cinema but watching the minions instead of the revenant.
I guess he wanted to compromise me and my happiness for his own. And, do you know what; that's ok. I love him and never wanted him to be unhappy. If I'd been a better wife, he'd not have been 3rd or 4th on his list. He wasn't strong enough to do that for as long as it was needed. And he underestimated how strong I am. Because I can make compromises. I can do what's best for my DC. Id prefer to not be alone in doing it but I don't want him to be here if it's not what he wants. I do still love him. I can't switch off my feelings. He was a good man for the whole of our relationship except the last 6 months. I got strong enough 6 months too late.

Please don't blame yourself onit.

You are not to blame.

I can almost guarantee that your dh is going to regret his choices if he doesn't already.
You deserve to be treated so much better than he is treating you.
I don't feel sorry for you. You don't need my pity, you don't know it yet but you have everything.

I pity him. He doesn't deserve my pity but he can have it anyway. He's fucked himself up terribly.

OP I am un-lurking to say this...

You have nothing to blame yourself for. Choosing nice restaurants and non-kiddy-friendly films are not valid reasons to desert your young family. It's not about how good you were as a wife, it's about how crap he turned out to be as a husband and father.

Your letter broke my heart. Please don't send it. You would be giving the OW too much satisfaction, and giving her too much power.

It's all very raw at the moment, I know. But in the years to come, as they get older your kids will come to realise that their dad chose another woman over you, put his sexual desire over their happiness. They will lose respect for him, and resent the OW.

Stay strong. Keep your dignity. Rant and rave as much as you need to on MN. But don't give him and her the satisfaction of knowing how broken you are. They don't deserve you. Your kids will see it all with adult eyes one day.

Going back to lurk now. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts xx

OP this situation is not your fault. As pp have said it will eventually turn out to be massively his loss. When your kids are old enough they will work or what's happened here-wether it's made explicit to them or not-and he will have a lot of work to do in repairing his relationships with them. You on the other hand will have no work to do, because you are behaving impeccably now. Cling on to that because it will keep you afloat when things seem their darkest.
I get why you wrote the letter and i totally understand you wanting the ow to understand your pain and feel miserable.i feel exactly the same.But the issue is that if they were decent people in the first place they simply wouldn't have done what they have. You can't appeal to decency in people who are that self absorbed. I still want to hurt the woman in my situation massively-but I've no way of doing that that would a) be legal b) they wouldn't be able to use against me to back up the justification they have given themselves and others for their behaviour-that it was in some way my fault because of the way I am-totally untrue.
It makes me very angry but you just have to take the higher ground, even if you feel like doing the opposite.

OP so much of your posts resonate with me.

Until my DH had an affair, I had never in 37 years felt "hate". I didn't believe in it.

Sadly I now know what it feels like to hate. OW has made sure of that. She is the only person I have ever hated. I still hate her 3 years on .

I went into work today and spoke to one of the senior managers.
I'm not due back till January and said at the moment that's still my plan.
But she was very sympathetic. Said they'd support me when I return and will do whatever they can to accommodate the hours I'll need to be there for DC at drop off and pick up times. And, if I need a few more hours they will try to make it happen.
I explained that, while DH has said he wants to do drop offs and pick ups, I don't trust him and I need to know that it's possible to do it all by myself.

I also spoke to a few of the girls in my dept who were lovely and, one who has been a good friend in work, if not outside work, has already arranged to come round next week for a chat. And another has said she'll text to arrange a coffee.

It's dcs last day of school and last ever day at nursery tomorrow. I believe it'll be a pretty emotional day tomorrow. Dd has already had tears at the thought of missing her friends when nursery ends (she's in a private nursery and the only one going to her school )
I've promised them both a movie after dinner tomorrow night (usually in bed by 7) and a midnight (7pm ) feast to celebrate the start of the holidays.

I used to lay awake at night planning my violent revenge but instead I kept my dignity, not wanting to end up arrested or losing my job.
I walked past her in town with a slight smile on my face and my head high.
I was out one night with friends and saw her and her friends on a night out.
They were all in the loo when I went in, she held the door for me and said thankyou.
When I'd left she said to her friends "that's --- 's wife. Her friends said "Oh my God, she is stunning" I know this cos my mate was still in the toilet.
I am so so glad I kept my dignity. It means so much to me now that I can hold my head up and she probably still wonders why I didn't fight for him.
All the negative feelings will be replaced by positive ones in time.
I am so proud of myself for stepping up and continuing to raise my kids and enjoy my own life, I am amazing, my kids are brilliant, yes they have been affected but we are close enough to deal with it.
You can't protect them from bad stuff in life you just have to help them to deal with it.
Hang onto how marvellous you are. We are.
No other situation in life would you deal with heartbreaking frightening and life changing stuff like this and be expected to carry on looking after two kids.
Try to do one nice thing every day and my advice is to plan stuff to look forward to as well, even just a meet up with friends and a picnic in the park can be enough to keep you going through the the long nights.
You will be able to sleep soon, it's the first thing to come back.

A magic wand would be to have few weeks of zero contact, there is a thread at the moment with loads of people trying to get over their ex's, it might be good for you to join.

Delurking having read your proposed email.

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.

These people are callous cunts. But we are better than them, 💐

I'm in the same predicament, I don't know what to do? My partner we never married) after 18 years and two teenage kids at the weekend. I didn't really come as a shock when he first send me the email explaining. However I was still broken, for a few days I begged that we could work, he kept saying it was too late. We were intimate 3 times during that week he told me, what did that mean to him? I ask him to at least try until the summer holidays, he refused saying there was no point. He told the kids on Friday, then left.. I feel like my world has been shattered, I'm lonely, lost, hurt and it's difficult to understand why he wasn't even prepared to try. We went on a family holiday in may and talked about booking more holidays later in the year.. I didn't want this..I have no control of it, I don't know what to do, I haven't left the house since he walked out, I can't face work, I can eat, sleep or concentrate..

I think typing through tears did not clearly explain my post... He walked out on Friday, we're all not coping well. I suspect there is somebody else, due to the secrecy with his phone, he also said he was away on business (he often is) this is during the same week he sent the lovely 'email' and the hotel receipt suggests more than one breakfast was ordered on room service...

Oh lost what an unutterable bastard!
Is it wrong of me to be thankful that my DC don't really have a clue.
It must be terribly difficult with teens
I'm so sorry.

Bonnet,
The kids are devastated, 13&15 years old. I just can't believe he's detroyed our world..and walked out. What an arse..
My dd has arranged with him for them to go out with him tomorrow for dinner... I'm hurt, I should be going to dinner with my family, selfishly I feel left out, and after having my heart ripped out on Friday is just making me think more about how I can save this relationship - any ideas?

Lost

Sorry you're hurting. Begging is the worse thing you can do TBH. You have to prepare for a life without him.

The 180 is designed to help you do just that. Modify where necessary as he's already walked out.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

You need to think of you and your children now.

SandyY2K
I know I should be doing those things on the list, but it's still so raw i cant think where to start. Ideally I like no contact but because of the kids it's just not possible. He came over yesterday during the day thinking we'd all be out, it was awful, he took more clothes, although he's not taken everything, I don't know where he is staying or even if there is ow, I can't make sense of him not being prepared to even discuss or try after everything we've been through.

I feel the same about the lack of a fight.
How much easier it must've seemed to walk away and create all this fall out. But I guess he's not dealing with much of that so that's ok

Cowards and quitters.

Well said..bonnet.. Coward and quitter.. Only losers quit..
As you can see I'm still up in a daze sitting on the sofa staring into space wondering what he's doing. Although the prospect of going to bed and just hugging his pillow seems like a good idea, I've even been sleeping on his sidec of the bed - how desperate is that, I'm sad, alone and lost..

What did you have to say that was deleted by mn Donna?

It was spam - I saw it and reported earlier

Thanks Costa, I thought for a minute she was the ow I suspect is lurking in the background of my now broken relationship..

No, it was one of those 'so glad to get my husband back' visit this website ones

i'm sorry. I hope you feel better. and I know it might not seem like it now, but you are better off alone than with someone who doesn't love you.

xx