Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

Is this for another thread?

I'm ok.
Dd been very unsettled tonight but it's her birthday tomorrow so might just be excitement.
He came round at 4 today and loitered in the porch till I told ds to ask him in to look at some stuff he'd brought home from school.
He asked what time he should bring them back and I said dinner time. Apparently I'd said bath time last night. I couldn't remember but said I had leftovers for their tea. I said he could stay till bath (I know!)

Anyway I showed him a rota of sorts I'd done. Gives him 2 overnights and a chance to see them everyday except one day a week.

My dsis came over tonight and had a look over his financial proposal.
And I need to go back to him to talk through the next 6 months.
I'm not working, so money was going to be tight anyway, but workable. Now we've got to find rent, council tax, bill money for a rented place, it looks worrying.
I will have nothing left over after paying the bills for emergencies, a trip out anywhere, a birthday present for friends of DC if they're invited to a party.
I'll be lucky if I can afford to buy DC school uniform. But on paper it looks like I'll be ok.
And he seems to think I'll be able to take the DC on our paid for holiday in August. I'll need £200 minimum just for petrol money to get us there and back!

But are you happy with him being there every day except one? Remember who made the choice to leave here...you are being very generous.If you are happy with that then all well and good but what will the effect be on you if he's always around? You are being amazing for the kids here but I'm concerned you aren't taking care of yourself enough.

What are his thoughts on the money stuff? You have said 'we' have to find money for extra rent, council tax etc. He has made a choice here.you shouldn't have to suffer for it nor do all the worrying about it. What's his proposal to ensure his wife and kids are looked after financially? Again I'm concerned that it seems to be you doing all the planning for this and him taking no responsibility for his actions.
I dont mean to sound like I'm chiding you-if you are ok with all of the above then that's great-but I'm concerned that you aren't looking after yourself enough.

Quote from you Bonnet

I'll be lucky if I can afford to buy DC school uniform. But on paper it looks like I'll be ok.

Hang on a minute....the children have got two parents. So he helps to find the money to buy a school uniform...or at least half of it.

Please . Dont . Let. Him. Take. Advantage. Of. Your. Kind. Generous. Nature.

I'm not concerned about me. I want my DC to be affected as little as possible. If that means him being in and out the house just now, so be it. He gets keys to his flat on Friday so not much longer to do it.

I will ask him about the money situation over the next 6 months but I'll assume he'll just tell me I'll need to return to work earlier than planned.
I haven't received my tax credit award notice yet so I'm not sure if that'll boost it enough to make us more comfortable. It might.

I'm not good with uncertainty. I know I'll cope but I just need to know what is going to happen.
It's been a while since I actually sat down and thought about what I've lost. I'm so busy trying to get us on our feet while trying to remain upbeat for the DC.
But I can feel the ball of emptiness growing in my chest again.
I think I'm going to see my GP. Not that I know what they can actually do.

They can refer you to counselling (which is helpful i found even if you think it won't be) and give you drugs (which I tried but hated). Do what you need to to get through is my advice.

You should get about 450 a month from your tax credits with two kids and not working I think?

I know you want it all done so you can be certain of things financially but please don't settle for less as a means to get hugs settled quicker. I won't lecture any more

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I found the worst part of my situation was actually when the shock wore off and I lost the adrenaline-had a big crash then...take heart op- it feels awful.but that feeling doesn't last forever-eventually you will start o feel less like you are standing on thin air and like you can breathe again. Kids are the things that will get you through and you are doing so well.

Yes it is in really sorry I've just joined and unsure how to post x

You need to go to main page. Click on chat. Click on new thread.

Put in the subject you want to talk about then bash away ;-)

It's dd's birthday today. She's at nursery and ds at school (no trouble getting him in this morning, thankfully) I'm home and managed a proper breakfast for the first time in about a fortnight. But I'm sitting doing nothing. I feel sick and exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't do it on my own.

You don't have to do it on your own. You have a good sister and an army of mnetters holding your hand.

Well done for eating.
What plans have you for the birthday?

Can you find some soothing music on the Internet. Take 10 mins , close your eyes, visualise yourself coming out of this dark tunnel, smiling looking radiantly happy with your beautiful children.

You can create your own reality. Life never stands still.
It's fluid like a river
There will be bumpy bits where rocks get in the way. There will be bits where it flows smoothly. There will be twists and turns that you didn't expect ....but it will flow.

Be like that river. Don't try to forge a way thru the hard unyielding rock, find a smoother path round it.

Believe us when we say it will be ok.
We were all you.

( I didn't believe it either lol )

You can do this op.you will look back on this and be amazed at how strong you are being.you're allowed to feel poleaxed and sad.of course you are.look at what you are going through.dont beat yourself up.

The thing is and I remember crying down the phone exactly the same thing, I don't want this, I don't want to be a situation but the bottom line is nobody does we just have to get on with it

It must be a sad day for you today, probably not what you imagined your dd's birthday would be this year. It's ok to feel sad about it, even overwhelmed.
I know it sounds like such bullshit but you are going to be good, better than good. You will create a new reality for your dc and I'm positive you will thrive.
You've already shown such strength and dignity what a terrific example you are to your dc.

You should be very proud of yourself.

You WILL get through this. Speak to welfare rights the money might not be as bad as you think. And don't give him an inch!

Happy birthday little bonnet. I hope she had a lovely day & just wanted to say you're doing great. X

You will have a Marvelous time.
Movie nights in bed with kids and popcorn.
Sleepovers with friends and their kids.
Inpromtu picnics,title camping weekends.
At first it feels daunting but you gradually settle into your new life.
I loved it. Once my heart had healed a little I was grateful to step off the conventional rat race and do other things and do it differently.
I became an expert in free days out and having fun with my kids
It was like a second childhood and has shaped me into who I am today.
I'm so glad my whole life didn't carry on being shopping trips and DIY abd meal planning bollocks.
Embrace the chance to do it differently, the world is your oyster.

Just checking in.

I'm feeling a little strange today.
I have a viewer for the house. I am so torn. We haven't had a viewer for a couple of months. I've wanted to sell for a year but now...
This is my stability. The dcs home. If we sell I'm not earning so wouldn't get a mortgage.
I'm really scared about the possibilities. Especially for the DC.

They're doing amazingly. I've had no major fall out from ds and dd is just excited about daddy's new house (bunk beds )

I've given him a contact rota which means he'll see them every day bar one during the holidays and he's asking for more.
I had a friend round last night and she's told me not to give anymore esp as this summer was supposed to be about me having all my time with them and DH taking time off to spend lots as a family.
From next year, when I go back to work, I won't get as much time with them as I'll have limited holidays. DH is the one with the flexibility so he'll make up the majority of cover next summer and beyond.

I've done lots of sums and switched/renewed things to get better deals.
We're supposed to sit down tomorrow to go over some finances but I've told him I'm not committing till I get solid info from tax credits, council tax, etc.
He's also moving stuff out tomorrow as he gets the keys for his flat. It's dd's nursery graduation too so a difficult day but I know I'm stronger than him. I'm proving it to myself every day.

I'm not sure I would be if it wasn't for people on this thread and my wonderful friends.
Thank you. The support has been overwhelmingly positive. I'll be forever grateful.

I'll be back tomorrow with an update.

I think your friend is right.dont give him any more.its sets a precedent that you might regret later on-he might potentially go for more custody of the kids based on what you Harv in place now and you don't want that really.plus he can demand more all he wants-sod him-again-he's made his choice really.
I think if you are worried re selling the house-and you make a good point re your ability to get a mortgage-then don't sell the house just yet.its a marital asset and as such you have the same right as him to decide what happens to it.
You are doing great op-again you are right. You are very strong and my hat is off to you.

What is your ex-h playing at? He's decided to leave the family home yet he doesn't think he's getting to see the children enough? What the hell did he think would happen?

Talk about having your cake and eating it too. If he wanted to see his children as much as usual, perhaps he ought to have remained faithful to their mother. What a dickhead.

I think, from what you've outlined, him seeing them 6 days/7 is more than fair.

Well done on renegotiating your bills. I did that when he stopped paying them . I got them down as far as I could. Every little helps.

If you really don't want to sell the house and why should you while your life is in turmoil just take it off the market...it's half your house don't forget.

I'd be honest and say to the seller, we are going through a divorce and so as not to unsettle the children I'm not selling for the foreseeable future..

He left. It's I your possession therefore do what feels right for you and the children.

Have you showed your dh your financial spreadsheet?
Please don't.
The savings you're getting should be your own...iyswim
He should be paying maintEnance to you based on historical expenditure... Your money saving should be implemented after an agreement has been reached with him- giving you extra money NOT saving him.
I also think (with respect) you are giving him far too much. I'm afraid this will set him up entitled (experience here). You're not going to get an award for being nice. But he will royally take the piss and nothing you do will ever be good enough as a result.
You are putting yourself last. Please rectify this, protect yourself.

That is so true, everyone and I mean everyone told me to tough up, I really wish I had or got a solicitor to go bad ass for me

Yes you're conceding too much. Have you got a lawyer? What have they said about house/finances/contact with the kids?

You're allowed to limit him to seeing the kids 3/4 times a week so you're getting more than one day NOT dealing with him

You're allowed to postpone selling the house until the finances are sorted

You're allowed to keep what are now YOUR finances to yourself - no longer any if his business.

Stay strong (but let rip on occasion be that tears/anger you're only human).