Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

How old were you when your dm told you about your dad? If you don't mind me asking?

My dsis didn't handle things well with her ds when her DH left. He'd been a really good dad but almost vanished overnight, my dn didn't cope well and I think it was exacerbated by my dsis badmouthing him to anyone who'd listen, including dn,
Dn went off the rails spectacularly and I'm so concerned about that. DH knows all of this too but admitted during the early days of this (when he was still in the house) that he hadn't thought about it.

Im gutted that, if it hadn't been for her, our DC would still have a dad around and I'd still have a DH.

He can try and justify it all he likes as being best for everyone but he's going to devastate my DC and change the course of their lives because of a 3 month affair.
And he can't see the midlife crisis.

I guess I better get up now. DC still have to write their cards for him and I need to throw his shit in a gift bag or something.

I've put the iPad away so even the DC won't get it,
It's always going missing (because they never put it back) so no one will ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I won't get much from it tbh. He seems to be using his work email and text/what's app to communicate with people. Ie things I def don't have access to.
Even things he's sending me are coming from work.

Onit I was 7 when my dad left and my mum was totally honest about what he'd done, and I was party to the fallout etc. It was pretty damaging, tbh.

Sorry just to clarify re the damage - it was from knowing all the adult stuff that had gone on, not from the divorce itself (I'm not sure how things would have been if my parents had just separated with surface amicability)

onit

Been lurking for a while but came on to say you should go see another, separate lawyer. Definitely worth shopping around for advice.

Stay strong. You are amazing

I don't have much to say but good luck for today telling the DC's

My dc were 18 16 12 and 8 months when my wanker went to ow.
I'm a child social worker so even through my upset I was acutely aware of what it can do to a child.
For that reason I was very careful.
I've never slagged him off (I do a bit now that they are much older but only when he lets them down) I'm always pleasant to him in front of them, I buy presents for occasions and reacted (through gritted teeth) positively to each of his FOUR KIDS they have had!
My kids are well balanced wonderful people. None of them have gone off the rails although if I'm honest they are all still affected by what he did and the consequences .
I remember screaming at him "you have disadvantaged our children" but I don't think they care, all they can see is their own happiness.
My bond with my kids is amazing too, it's had to be.
I will be taken out for dinner later for Father's Day

Hi OP I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to add my support.

I have been where you are with the same bollocks and rewriting of our 17 year history together. He never loved me apparently cos you can stay not in love for 17 years and 2 kids eh!

Anyway what I wanted to say was I am three years on, almost to the day that we told people and the DC that we were separating, and if you had told me then that I would be a better person for all of this I would have punched you. But I am!!

I have been to hell and back, had counselling to prevent a proper mental health crisis and have learned things about my inner strength that I never knew I had. I started running and lost weight, I now have a new job and just recently a new bloke (took me 2.5 years to brave that part!!).

But all this was only possible by asking for help - my family, my real friends and my GP have been amazing.

I felt grief like I never thought possible for the first year or so after my ExH left - but time is a healer and I can now be in the same room as him and not want to punch him

He has recently announced that he and the OW are getting married. I feel so sorry for the kids as I know they aren't keen on her but we will survive like we always do. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

The only thing that I am sad about if the ongoing effects on the kids but rarely is life perfect so we do the best with what we can.

Sorry I got it wrong....but I'd hate to think of something that might just help you and not mention it.

I can see that access to that email account is a double edged sword. In so much of my divorce I had to be a privated detective because of his lies. I should write the book on how he tried to cover up his sordid affairs and they were sordid because of all the dishonesty and lies. We all lost respect for him because of that.

Because he was such an arse and a stupid one at that he would come round and use the home computer. Course it wasn't too long before he left his account open and it was all there for the next user to see.

As much as you want to " have it out with him' keep Schtum. I learned so much that really helped me with my divorce and counteracted all the lies he told the judge. He managed to wangle himself into his firms hull office. He said in his papers that's where he was living. He tried to claim living expenses for a flat and all the bills.I just rang his boss and asked the question. Turned out he was there two nights a week and the company footed the bill.

It's little things like that that can turn a difficult situation to your advantage.

So look at the big picture and resist the temptation to blow like a whale. It was hard but I'm so proud I did it because he lied and tied himself up in knots and it does not go down well with the judges.

I thought the judge positively hated me and I didn't know what id done to get on the wrong side of her but I realised after they have to be impartial . His solicitor was jumping up and down like a Yorkshire terrier objecting to this, that and the other. He had a tome of papers. It was four inches thick which he continually flicked through and kept whispering in his solicitors ear. I was sat round the other side of the table, nowhere near my solicitor. I kept waiting for her to unleash the beast but every time the judge asked if she had any questions shed say ' no ma'am . To my utter astonishment. Yorkshire terrier was getting all the air time.

I'd love to know what was being said / what was said behind the scenes.

The important thing to remember though Bonnet...is I did all the work. Your solicitor can only go on the evidence you give her. So store it all up. Keep accurate records.

Mine was all over the Internet announcing his plans. He was shocked on our first court appearance to find out from my evidence that we knew all about his plans for him and ow to go to the middle east. He was visibly shaking!

So softly softly....it's a battle of stealth and you can win this.
When they are in the throes of passion and subterfuge they make loads of mistakes....

Whoops sorry for long post. I try to break it up to keep it readable.

I omitted to say that he said in his papers he was going to me ( Dubai) to earn money to get back on his feet. This was 8 years ago and he was bringing in £50k. Course he was actually going there with ow and her son and was looking for schools etc

People like my stupid arse must think judges are thick and haven't seen it all before.

Especially cheating husband/ loyal wife ..last to know scenario.

I found this. Would it help

quantumvaleat.wordpress.com/financial-arrangements-in-divorce-scotland/

Dowser that is useful I think.
If I read it through S few more times I might understand it

a
How is it possible to misspell a one letter word?

Suffered through today after telling the DC this morning. And having to shop, prep, cook, serve, clear and wash up a dinner for DH, his mum, sister , bil, dn as well as me and DC.
I haven't stopped pacing all day.
I had a few tears at bedtime. Mainly from ds but he was really tired.
He said he was really sad. And he wanted to stay with daddy because he didn't want daddy to live by himself.
I just said it was ok to be sad - I'm sad too - but daddy doesn't want to live with mummy anymore. That it had nothing to do with him or his sister and it was grown up stuff.
That they're loved by both if us and we'd get along better apart.

I hope I'm saying/doing the right thing.
I could've pushed DH down the stairs but settled for a "I hope you're happy" as I went up (again) to sort dd out.
Thankfully ds is a great sleeper so was out very quickly and, though dd took a while to settle, I think she was just really hot and bothered rather than disturbed by what had gone on today.

Afterwards DH and I sorted out visits for this week and I insisted on one days break from him. For my mental well being.
He seemed to think I was being awkward because I suggested the kids might want to spend some time with me.
He gets his keys on Friday and that will bring its own difficulties.
He'll be taking some stuff from the house. He's writing a list I believe for what he needs.
He asked about a specific item of furniture and I said he could take it. He could take all of it. I don't want any of it. It's all tainted with his lies.

You have done and said all the right things to the kids there OP.There is no need to tell them any more than you have and you will be surprised how well they cope with it all-kids are amazingly adaptable and as long as they are ok in the here and now-which they will be because you are providing calm and stability-they will come through this intact.
Has h told his family? How come you got stuck making lunch for them? I can't believe he allowed that to happen ( vile) and I can imagine that was incredibly hard. Shortly after I found out about my h and my best friend I had to make Easter lunch for all our family and pretend ( for the kids sake) that all was well. To this day I've no idea how h didn't end up with the leg of lamb slammed in his face! You are showing such fortitude here.when things feel dark that will serve you well as at least you will know that you have behaved with total dignity.
Absolutely to one days break from him coming round.tbh I think you need more days free of him.It really doesn't matter what he thinks anymore-you have to keep telling yourself that, although again, it's hard because you have been used to taking his feelings into consideration during your marriage and it's a hard habit to break. Bear in mind however that he hasn't paid you that courtesy in any of this and so you don't owe him anything.
With re the furniture and his list-pleased don't allow him to take what he wants if it's things that you might want. If you genuinely aren't bothered about certain things then of course there is no point in fussing-but dont agree to things just to keep the peace-this is his choice remember.if he has to go to IKEA and kit himself out then that's his problem!
You are doing great OP, really.

Oh op I just want to give you all the and in the world! I hope you've managed to get some sleep. It sounds like you've said all the right things to the children. They are lucky to have such a strong and amazing mum.

Throughout this your H has only cared about his own happiness and not given a second thought about his own children. That is utterly despicable imo. When you come out the other side you will be the one who is happiest, believe me. He will most probably be sad, alone and full of shame. I hope he is ashamed. And her.

You are worth so much more than either pf them. Sending you and your children lots of strength and happiness.

Oh bonnet you are doing so well.
Yes to reading it a couple of times.
I don't like how he's dictating to you what he wants. I know you said hes tainted everything but he's ripped your heart and family apart. Don't let him rip your home apart.

The first thing I did was buy a newbed. We had a five footer and i got a double.. I decided it was easier on me to have smaller sheets to wash and dry. I went through all my home and painted all the walls white. Like I painted him out of my life. Very therapeutic.

Decor was quite shabby. In the years leading up to his departure,( as he obviously had other fish to fry) so to make everything pristine was lovely.

If he starts dictating what he's going to take tell him he can have personal items only. He's not ripping his children's home apart like he's ripped their family apart.
Be careful he's not blackmailing you through his children...like having you cook for everyone when your hearts not in it

Give him an inch and he sounds like he will take a mile. I'd be so wary of him bonnet. When he comes over can you arrange for a friend to be there so it is kept business like. He sees the kids and doesn't try to mess with your head.

Hope you have a good day today.

Well done on getting through yesterday OP. That's another hurdle which he is placed in your way that you have got passed. And you did it with Grace and dignity.

When I split up with ex I have him anything from 'spare room' territory. Extra bed, wardrobe, we had a spare fridge in garage etc.

I also think that when scheduling, a way to get him to understand is to come with a drawn table on paper with three headings 'Mummy Time' and 'Daddy Time' and 'Normal Routine time'. I'd open the conversation with a discussion of getting the balance right in a fair way that both agree with to ensure kids have fun time with both. Schedule in nursery/school pick ups and drop offs and tea with names against them etc.

Hopefully he will start disinguishing between the routine stuff and quality time stuff. Also having a document your filling in together gives a focus to keep returning too. I'd fill in one slot per person in the column before moving on to other person so balance can seen. Get him to pick a time first.

Hope you got some sleep & well done for telling the children & you are a better person than me making lunch for everyone.

Try to get into a consistent routine for visiting so that the children know what to expect & it's regular & becomes the new normal for them.
One of my friends told me the other day that when her friend asked her why her daddy doesn't live with us anymore my 5 year old was very matter of fact in daddy doesn't love mummy anymore. That's a year down the line but they are resilient and they will cope as long as they have a strong foundation. I still get the tears because she doesn't want to go but also get tears when she comes back because she doesn't want to say goodbye to daddy again.
It's more difficult with the clingy toddler who doesn't like being left with the stranger.

Stay strong - you're doing amazingly

Although it's a personal choice, many BSs will be honest with the kids in an age appropriate way.

If they are under 8 years old then you might not tell them at all. The most important thing is for the kids to know they are loved by the two of you and that the split is absolutely not their fault.

Aged 8 plus can be told something like this....

When grown ups get married they make special promises to each other and daddy (or mummy) has broken one of those promises and that's why we won't be living in the same house anymore. It doesn't change how much we love you and we will be living in different houses, but you will still see daddy every [insert time hete] and you can always speak to him on the phone.

He'll still take you to football.. scouts ... or whatever.

Don't let them see animosity or let them see you looking upset about it. Or they'll feel like he is the baddie and take sides. I know he is the baddie .... but the kids shouldn't be led to think that.

It can be painful for the BS to hear the kids told "we don't get along anymore" - when one has been playing away.

It's really hard because my parents told me nothing, just mum and dad don't live together any more. I thought why the fuck not what's wrong with you idiots, lost all respect and trust in both of them and spent years thinking they'd get back together when they'd both had affairs. I was drip fed the truth over nearly 17 years and I still don't know who to believe. I was 5. I think it's all damaging

I never mentions ow apart from to my two eldest lads cos they knew her and had been the ones to tell me

I didn't tell my third and youngest boy untill two years later when he was 15 and I was seeing someone. Ds got a bit narky about "poor dad" so I gently explained. I reasoned that it was me bringing them up and having the relationship with them and needing my own life as well bringing up the dc.
He was shocked but fine and it helped him to be pleased for me that I was dating again.

My boys are amazing though.

How are you doing OP?

Hi just wondered if any one as had to give up on work due to their husband or partner been ill and not able to work ? .therefore having a life on benefits but even though it's genuine I feel really embarrassed and down about it X