Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP it depends how happy you were with the solicitor. If you have choices, then perhaps get a meeting with another, see which you prefer. It's important to have one you trust and feel happy with.

I'd never tell someone in your position to go off and agree directly with her husband. You're in a much weaker position when it comes to bargaining power. You need to ingather details on the extent of the assets, including pension pot, to be able to get close to a settlement. As much as you're keen to get an agreement sorted, it's very very early days. At this stage, you can agree an interim maintenance payment (known as aliment). This can be agreed in writing so it's binding. If he genuinely wants to honour this promise and support you in the short to medium term he will sign it. If he doesn't, then you know you can't trust any promise he makes at all.

How is he in any position to demand that you work fulltime? Is he saying that maintenance from him is conditional on that? I bet he didn't do 50% of the housework. I still think you need to get court ordered maintenance/asset split because he's going to try and control you, after you've broken up, with that if you agree privately.

I've no intention of telling him my plans for returning to work.
And I'm sure even he knows he can't make demands about my working hours in a settlement.
At the moment my plan is to nod along with the idea but to do what's right for me and DC when January rolls around.
It'll all surely have been agreed long before then.

I'd never thought of him being controlling before.

What do you mean when January rolls around?

I'm on a career break which he agreed to before his affair started (at least I think it was before it)
He's already said he'll honour the next 6 months of mortgage and bills until I go back to work.

Oh right I thought maybe you weren't going to tell the kids until January! (Sorry, stupid of me, I know) i know there will be more posters along soon to give you practical advice. I think you are doing remarkably well.

What does he envisage happening with the mortgage and bills after you're back at work?

He's an idiot op and the fact that this shit has started already is a sign you need to nail him quickly. Who the hell does he think he is .... Nod and smiling is absolutely the right tact. Have your shit hot lawyer working behind the scenes

He's hoping the house will sell before January (been in the market almost exactly a year)
I'm not sure what he sees happening if it doesn't sell.
Before all this happened I was suggesting we drop the price, obviously I'm not so keen on that now.
I think he thought I'd just agree to what he's offering for now till then and then we'd negotiate.
I made it very clear I need the security of an agreement on what happens then, now!
Like I'm going to let him ignore it all for 6 months!

You need somebody driving this or January will come around before you know it and you'll be no further along.

Exactly, get a solicitor on the case and get it made official ASAP.

Regarding the house sale - what sort of feedback have you had from viewers? Anything you can work with, or is it a price issue, do you think?

My stbexh has also implied that I don't 'deserve' maintenance, half of his pension etc etc as he earned it all, or more than me anyway (even though I've worked full time for most of the kids lives, but have curtailed my career by only taking jobs that are nearby, taking time off for kids sickness, arranging working hours around the kids). He is very convincing and I, like you, am rubbish with money stuff,which he is well aware of. Do not listen to him telling you you are lazy etc.it may be his opinion and it hurts like hell when you know it's grossly unfair. But it really doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. Unfortunately you have to be a bit hard faced now-hard I know if you're general character is nice and it feels alien. I hate it. Hate it. But I think lots of women give up too easily to keep the peace and settle quicker as its so stressful and that just isn't right. I have never thought of my ex has controlling either. But there are different kinds of control and you can't always see them when you are in the middle of it.

I wouldn't even nod along OP. If you don't agree with something don't make it seem like you do.

I'd start recording conversations between him and you, I'm not sure if they'd stand up as evidence in court (I am not a solicitor and I've never been through a divorce), however I would record everything he says and file every text etc if possible. Don't assume that he's not recording you because he might be.

None of the records, emails etc count for shit until they are in a consent order, mediation even counts for nothing, it's all a waste of energy and head space until it's in a legal document.

House issue is a lack of garden. Its a big house but only have a postage stamp for a garden.
It is already on £10k below the home report.

Recording is good. Even for just to remind you of what was said.

How about when he offers 50 : 50 say, hang on a minute you haven't included the ows assets as part as your joint overall income.

For eg if he has 50 grand and she has 30 grand coming in then they have a joint income of £80 grand.

For you to get 50 : 50 you might be entitled to £40 k nd not £25.

Say you earn £15k. You don have a partner...he's entitled to £7.5 k

If everything has to go into the pot, then surely it's only fair er earnings aretaken into account.

She's goin to benefit by what he brings to the relationship.

It'll rattle him if nothing else ;-)

I don't know what his situation is with ow.
I haven't asked as I think I'd rather not know.
I'd guarantee DH e's not moving in with him. We live in a commuter town and she's not going to leave the city, I'm sure.

I told him, while I couldn't control who he has in his house, under no circumstances were my kids to ever be aware there was anyone but him living in his flat.
Not a spare toothbrush or bits of perfume bottles. Nothing.

Dowser - the other woman and her assets do not come into this.

Onit, see another solicitor. Listen to Morrisey. She clearly knows what she is talking about. Hope this all works out for you. Also agree with Baconyum. Welfare Rights are the people for benefits advice, not CAB.

Without knowing the specifics of your circumstances and being unable to give advice (usual caveat) I'd think you need a pre-sale agreement in place to oblige him to pay the mortgage and bills until the house is sold. It can specify what you consider to be a reasonable offer, etc. It can also direct that sale proceeds are held by the solicitor pending an agreement or court order as to division of assets. Once that interim security is in place for you, you can ingather all the info you need, pension valuation, all other assets. Then you have a complete picture and will be able to start negotiations. Ideally with a solicitor so that you're in a strong position.

In an ideal world you'd be able to agree over time what works best for the kids re contact with him, and not need to get lawyers involved. Family mediation is an excellent support for this. In Scotland there are also 'parenting apart' courses which help you navigate the difficulties which can arise. But that's a long way down the road, and I appreciate that you're still reeling just now.

So earlier my phone ran out of charge and I grabbed my iPad instead.
It's an old one, rarely used except by the DC. It required an update.
After I got on to it I noticed I had unread emails. Now my phone is in my hand 24/7 so that's an unusual thing. I opened them up to see the first read email was from dh's sports club. Odd. Then I realised that, at some point he'd added his email account to the iPad.
I can see all his emails.
I looked.
I know I shouldn't. And I know I should remove the account now but I can't.
He hasn't been conducting the affair by email but there were a couple of things which were sent to mutual friends which I found upsetting. Not due to what he'd said but just bringing it all back again.

I have however found out that they plan on being together. I also found one short almost text like email which was sent from him to her the weekend before he told me about them. The day after her DH found out. When our ds was in hospital.
I'm angry with him all over again. And I can't sleep because I know we're telling the DC tomorrow and I hate him for making me a fucking liar too. I want to scream that this is all his fucking doing and, no, it's not in anyone's interest but his and that whore!!!!!!

I want to tell him that his account is there just to see the look of fear on his face while he tries to remember what he's left on there.
A reminder that just because you click delete, it's not gone.

I honestly hope he lives to regret this for the rest of his lonely life, and that the day my DC find out what he did to us, they tell him to fuck off!

Onit I've not posted before but I've been following your thread. I just wanted to say that my dad had an affair and left the family, and, whilst relations are friendly on the surface, I have no respect for him at all. He's aware of this. It's a massive elephant in the room. My dad knows I think he's an immoral bastard when it gets down to it. It's not pleasant for anyone.

Then again, I'm aware of my dad's affair because my mum told me everything at the time. She shouldn't really have done this, I was too young, though I can understand it came from great hurt. So although it's fucking shit that you're going to have to lie to your dc for the moment, and put on an united front, I can promise you that you are absolutely doing the right thing for them. It's the best gift you can give them throughout this whole hideous saga.

I hope it all goes well and I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. You're right, none of it is fair.

Thanks hoggle I appreciate the reassurance,

I know what he's doing with her is none of my business but, he still feels like my husband, we're still married. It still feels like he's cheating on me but right in front of my nose now, rubbing my face in the fact that he's got a partner to lean on through all this shit when I've got no one.
I mean, I have very good friends and lots of amazing support here but it's not the same as having someone with you at night when the demons come. When you just need someone else to decide what to do.
I miss him.

Don't let him know you have access to the email account on the old iPad OP. It could prove crucial to knowing what his plans are etc. Keep absolutely quiet about it and hide the iPad somewhere.