Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

He's much healthier than me!
Maybe because I can't see any future at the minute, I'd much rather be secure in the here and now. My kids won't need me to provide for them when I'm pensionable (I hope)

I think the point was that £ for £ a woman receives a lower pension than a man because the general expectation is that women live longer.

You absolutely want 50% of both pension and house if that's all you can have, no trading anything off

Trust me honey. It's easy to be blasé now but I blinked and now I'm 49 and so glad I've got financial security.

Honey you don't have to stick with that one solicitor.
I saw a very young woman at one firm and I just thought he'd eat you for breakfast.
It's really worth asking around anyone you know who has been divorced who they used.
I can't remember how I got some ' names' but three came up. He used one of them and I used someone who came well recommended.
If you only get one shot at it you want the best.
Expect to pay about £150 an hour and extra for phone calls, letters and emails.

In England the person bringing the divorce pays the direct costs that was around £1000.

My divorce cost me £7.5k and his around £10,000.

He told so many lies about me that we're refuted at one point he thought he wasn't going to be granted a divorce.

Cor! Marriage is so easy. Too easy!

Dd came through this morning "where's daddy?" I told her he'd gone to work and got a cuddle and we were chatting. I checked my watch after 5 minutes or so and its 4.25!!!
I try to get her to snuggle back to sleep but that wasn't happening. Eventually ds appeared and we all got up.
I texted DH to tell him she'd been asking for him. I reiterated he could phone them anytime. He hasn't seen them since tuesday bedtime. He phoned but had a couple of minutes as we were getting ready to leave for school/nursery.
I asked if he was wanting to come for tea with them and, as he's viewing another flat, he said he would. I also reminded him of her early start and not to expect brilliant behaviour by the time he arrives.
I'm not in the best place for after the DC go to bed.
We'll be discussing finances tonight.
I've sorted my tax credits and council tax reduction this morning.
its not a lot but it helps me feel a bit less scared.

I'm trying to write a list of what I want for the kids and I. So I know what I'm aiming at.
The main thing is a stable home, smaller obviously but still nice and in the school catchment. And which is ours. I DO NOT want to move into rented unless I KNOW that I have the means to get on the property ladder.
I'd like the ability to keep a small car.
Some long term financial security whether in savings or a pension share.
To carry on agreed short term plans ie, career break, summer holiday (paid for) and training if I'm on my feet enough by the start of the course.
And to maintain a good relationship with their dad.
What I don't want is
To be beholden to DH for the extras.
For the DC to feel deprived in any way.
The DC to feel abandoned, esp in the longer term when dad has relationship or more DC.
Anyone coming into contact with my DC without my prior knowledge (including his ow. Esp her)

I'm not sitting down with demands. I'll appeal to his guilt/pride/shame/ego/martyr complex to achieve what I want.
I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut but I'm going to attempt it in the hope he digs the hole.

I'll appeal to his guilt/pride/shame/ego/martyr complex
They change. They really really change.
Please do not view this cheating arse as your friend anymore.
He is not.
He is the enemy.
Have you had a session with a solicitor?
You should really know what you are entitled to before you sit down and discuss finances.
Do NOT agree to anything.
Write down everything!!!!
Then get to a solicitor for advice.
He will be trying to short change you whether you realise it or not.
And don't forget he may change his mind at a later date.
Mine did.
Agreed to all sorts.
6 months in I got nothing.
Not a feckin' penny.
I had to do it all on my own.
Get in writing with a solicitor asap once agreed!
But do NOT agree to anything on the spot.
Just say, OK I'm making notes and I'll come back to you on that.
And repeat!

What you're asking for is reasonable but I very much doubt he will stick to it. He'll probably agree to anything now but it won't mean much.

Plus on the career break and training side, just in my experience the judge didn't view this very positively. Her view was you need money you need to earn and financially contribute. Just my experience but something to consider.

That sounds sensible of the lawyer - best to come to an agreement. It usually is. If you don't you can waste all the family money on both sides paying lawyers.

On the pensions point if he has say a final salary pension at 65 of half his usual income in England (not sure about Scotland) you can receive half of that at 65/67 or whatever your retirement ages are. If he wants to keep all of that (I am assumnig you have no pension as my ex and I had both worked full time for 20 years whilst having children we decided our pensions were about equal so each kept our own) then you are giving up a big asset. If the pension is tiny then that's different.

It is not though valued as cash. About £100,000 in a pension fund buys about £5000 a year pension before tax is taken off the pension so what looks like huge sums in a pension compared with equaity in a house is not treated as like for like. It is treated as worth a lot less.

He can always agree to give you more than 50% of joint assets if he chooses particularly if he knows you cannot get a mortgage due to no or low income and if he wants the children to stay in their own home so they do not have too much of a change at once.

I would not show him that list now.
Give it to your solicitor by all means but don't show your hand. Imagine if he's say tyere think great I would have given her double that thank goodness I've got away with just giving her that. Play your cards close to your chest and remember anything agreed means nothing until it's in a consent order which is many months away.
I would say nothing for now

Just dropping in to see how you are OP?

Hope you ok OK ( or as best as you can be given the circumstances).

He's come back with what looks a reasonably generous settlement offer. Though still only 50/50 split of assets he's upped maintainence offer by a bit.

The only thing that's sticking in my craw is his absolute, definite stipulation that I will return to work full time after my career break.
I work a minimum wage job. My means of retraining have vanished in his wake and I refuse to consider seeing less of my DC because he can't keep his dick in his pants 😡
I currently work just less than 20hrs and would like to work a bit more but I'm aware that I would lose tax credits over 24 hrs which would probably leave me worse off whilst working a 40hr week.

Discussions last night broke down after he basically called me lazy and implied I didn't want to work.

I seriously believe that his resentment has built to such a degree that he has forgotten that my past illness was as a direct result of my having our DC.
I admit he had it hard during these times but it wasn't a fucking picnic for me either!

I'm useless with money things but my dsis is pretty savvy so I'll ask her to look it over.
I'd like to agree something soon as I'm aware his guilt won't last and, once he's got his own place, he'll have less inclination to spend it on DC or me in the family home.

I wouldn't accept 50/50 assets, considering the fact he has immediately got a second earner to live with (who has no kids and will take half of whatever assets she's got with her ex) to set up shop with.

your solicitor should be negotiating with his solicitor. Why are you sitting round the kitchen table discussing this with him? It is very risky.

I might be showing my ignorance here, but couldn't you just pretend that you're returning to work FT after DC2 is in full time education, until he signs the maintenance agreement contact.

Then by the time it rolls around it will all be over and what you do, is naff all to do with him...? Ie his maintenance will stand as he's signed the agreement.

Also I do think you should counter offer with 70/30 with an idea of settling somewhere between the he two. He has made the opening offer which means you already have the upper hand.

So something like agreed to maintenance as permanent arrangement, but given the fact your new home will have to house three of you and need three bedrooms, as opposed to him only need one, you'll accept 70/30. In return you'll give him a quick uncomplicated divorce.

I'm useless with money things and perhaps this is what he is counting on? Remember this is the man who stated that If you had the most valuable car it would have to be offset against other financial benefit, not which car was the safest, most suitable for the kids but most expensive!

Also as Rowanhart said who knows what the future holds? Your intention now could quite wholeheartedly be to return to full time work but circumstances may change.

How are the kids? I hope you are taking strength just being with them. In the future they will see that mummy looked after them with all her heart and that she did nothing wrong....

Scotland has a 50/50, clean break situation.
I might get a little more but unlikely to get anywhere like 70/30.
I know he's grudging me even 50/50 as I "earned" so little of it.

Scotland does have a 50/50 starting point. But foregoing a larger capital share in exchange for maintenance does not sound like a good settlement. Please make sure you have full legal advice, if you don't qualify for legal aid you may be able to instruct someone on a deferred fee basis.

I'm a family lawyer. If I were acting for you I'd be negotiating hard for a larger than 50% share - you are financially dependent, your earning capacity is compromised, your health is an issue and you have the ongoing care of the kids. All of these factors have weight.

Please get another session with a solicitor, many offer free 30 mins initial meeting. You need advice based on your specific circumstances.

Good luck. I'm afraid I'm not in the slightest bit surprised that his initial indications of being generous have evaporated. Now it's time to protect yourself and your future.

He hasn't checked out his pension pot yet. He will.

I've been crunching numbers and, though it's not my strong suit, I think I can manage fairly comfortably on what he's proposing.
I would get a fair whack of tax credits etc which will give me a decent full time equivalent wage plus the kids maintainence payments on top of that would make me secure enough that, should the washing machine break down, I'd not be scrubbing laundry in the sink.

I want to agree so I can start moving on.
I won't. Not till I get confirmed award notices from hmrc etc.
I've assumed I'll work the same hours I do now and I think I could cope.

Next question is, if we agree, can he force renegotiations at a later date?
For eg. if he and ow were to have a child. Or if (big if) I had a new partner.

morrisey do you suggest going back to the same solicitor and paying for it or going to another to take advantage of the free first session?

He is a total, entitled little shit. Giving you two kids then walking out on a whim? Bastard.

As for HER, she should be ashamed of herself, setting her cap at a man who has two little kids. Utterly despicable, should be expelled from womanhood. Why does she have to steal him away? Plenty of single men out there.

Like others, I do not believe for one second that there has been no sex. Those two lying little selfish shitbags deserve one another.

Not sure if it's the same inScotland, but my workmate went to as many local solicitors as possible, because that meant her husband couldn't then use them as they'd advised her!

I agree with the poster who talked about him having OWS assets and wage etc. You need to go for more than 50/50 he knows he will be much better off than you and he's going back to her every day and listening to her telling him what to offer you.
Take control of this, she's taken your husband don't let her dictate your finances.