Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I'd started writing stuff but this thread will be my journal I suppose.

I used to be a mad diary writer. Got a box of them somewhere. A few will already be about DH because I was in love with him before he fell in love with me. He broke my heart by leaving me hanging at the start of our relationship. And he's done it again now. I'm sure if I read them now I'd realise what a walk in the park it was back then.
Oh to be young again.

I'm back as dd woke with a bad dream. She's gone back over pretty quickly thank the Lord.

I'm sleeping with the light on. Or trying to. Ive never slept well on my own. And we've this huge bed.
I'd like to just have a double bed.
Changing this one is a half day job. And I need to change it.
Why am I putting that off? So I can still sleep with him? The smell of him?

If things had panned out differently with a house we had our eye on, we'd have been moving into a new town, new house, moving kids schools in the next 2 weeks too. We were making plans for our future right up till he dropped his bomb.

Hope you don't mind me dropping in, been following your thread.

I think you've got the answer already to your point above. He's had a plan and didn't want to get tied in to a new house. Would it have been more expensive than the one you're in now?

Get angry and hold onto that anger.

He might be in a £300k house on a £50k job but it's all built on sand. He's got a shakey relationship that will be full of doubt and complications. Presumably she's got an angry ex to deal with (do they have kids?) and your kids who are going to be angry and upset with him. Not really loves young dream.

You on the other hand will have your own flat that you can make all yours and nobody can ever take away again. A peaceful and secure environment for you and your kids.

I know which one I'd rather be in!

Are you sure he needs to tell your kids? I told mine cos I was more together and less narcissistical. I imagined him snivelling and saying stupid shit so although I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions I also knew I could deliver it in a more balanced child friendly way.
They need to know you are both ok and are still their mum and dad.
I kept it as light as I could and just ramped up the reassurance.

It's makes me laugh how they think they can just change their minds and swan off into the murky sunset.
I know we wouldn't (cos we are amazing) but imagine if we said yep ok take your kids too!
Bastards

I'm making him write a script of sorts ledkr, but I'll get to edit it before we deliver the news together.

I've no intention of him doing it by himself and, as he's the one who's most likel to break down it'll probably be me who does the talking.

I've woken up this morning with a little peace.
He did this after being unhappy for a long time with me. He realised he could be happy with someone else when he developed feelings for our friend and she felt the same. At which point he knew he'd never get that back with me.
I married him so we'd both be happy. And then he wasn't. I don't want him to be unhappy.
I can't comprehend how what he's doing will make him happy because of the potential fall out to the DC but I never wanted him to be unhappy and I still don't.
It's just before he told me the truth, he was the only person in pain. And soon all 4 of us will be.
How can that be better?
How can that be justifiable?

In my heart I know he's doing the right thing for himself. But when you have DC you agree to always do the right thing for them first. And he hasn't done that.
But it's not his fault for falling out of love with me.
He made bad decisions not to talk to me months/years ago about his feelings and all 4 of us will pay for that for the rest of our lives.

Has anyone seen that film 'Heartburn' with Meryl Street and Jack Nicholson? I love that scene where Meryl's dad is trying to give her advice after she tells him jack's left for another woman. Her dad starts telling her a story about a famous boxer who leaves his wife and six kids for a famous actress. The boxer's trying to say to the wife that he's in love and can't help it. Wife says that's okay I won't stand in your way and to show no hard feelings you can take the kids as well and she leaves. Surprisingly new relationship doesn't work out - wonder why????

I bet love's young dream doesn't last long with the reality of the kids to look after.

Not that we'd ever do that because the kids are much more important than point scoring but it's a cheeky thought

all 4 of us will pay for that for the rest of our lives - your DC are young and will adapt to this change in the lives. Children are adaptable and resilient. They will mix with other families where the parents live apart and it will become normal for them.

Then again Bambam, why not though? Can a woman ask that her ex have custody if he decides to leave them?

I thought along your lines Bonnet when my ex did the same to me . Only he never admitted to another woman. I can't understand why not.
He was leading a right double life.

6 days after he dropped his bombshell we flew off to Florida. That was end of Feb.

At Easter we had a little break planned for Scotland. He told me then he had another woman. I got up early the next day and drove to my friends and spent the day with her.
The next day we drove to Scotland. Can't believe how messed up my head was.
We never spoke on the journey. He had earphones in and listened to music. I was in so much emotional pain I was like a zombie.

On the drive home he told me there wasnt another woman. He said that so I would chuck him out. He was a right head fuck wasn't he?
You can't believe anyone would be so cruel can you?
What the ow must have thought/ been told god only knows. So if Easter was April it was Christmas before he told me the truth ( again) before leaving me on Christmas night.

Oh and I got, don't worry , I'll pay all the bills. You'll be ok . My son and grandson lived with us so I knew he'd stick to his promise while they were there.
He only went for a divorce when he got with the second ow. These btw are the official ones. (Not counting the ones he met on dating sites and the prostitutes) .

It was the cold calculating way he was going about things. It's what I've picked up about your husband bonnet. The way they shoot their bullets. Like someone flicked a switch somewhere. How did we go from my lovely birthday and valentines day to ' I'm thinking of leaving you' in two weeks.

I fancy seeing that film bam bam.

Onit - I could have written your post about only wanting him to be happy a million times & I think down the line this is how I/we will make peace with this.
But he should have been open when he was first unhappy, he should have invested in improving your relationship he shouldn't simply detach & do what he wants selfishly for him with no consequences & leave you to pick up the pieces.
Don't let this weaken your resolve to fight for what you & the children deserve. Channel the anger. The wanting to give him wings is a small step from I could have done xyz differently. It was his fault & his choices.

A diary is a brilliant idea to record not only your feelings so that you can see how far you've come but also remember what he said & did. Reading your thread is reminding me of things I'd forgotten feeling in the last year. I wish I'd kept a log.

Good luck with the solicitor today - stay strong hour by hour. Baby steps.

On the subject of the children's access with their dad. It can't really be every weekend with their dad, because the DCs need the chance to spend some of their weekends in their own home and with their mum. It's not going to be about what he wants, it's going to be about what the dcs need. He needs to understand this.

As far as telling them about the breakup goes, they will take their lead from the adults as to how to feel. So if there's any chance he's going to blub, then he needs to not be present. it is his duty to make sure this is as untraumatic as possible. What the dcs need to know/feel is that their parents are in control and in charge and everything's going to be fine. They need to know their position in all this, where they are going to sleep, that they can have friends round in both homes, go to same schools etc. They don't need the burden of the adults' emotions. Perhaps that mum and dad are going to be friends now instead of married, if that seems appropriate.

They don't want custody, they want the power of causing as much hassle and mayhem as possible even after the drama is over, but the actual day to day parenting, no thank you. If you think about how much do they actually do even when you're married to them

So true pissed
stbxh was deeply offended when I said on his first visit to the children that he'd played with them more in one day than he had in the previous 6 months.
He never mentioned custody though - in some ways it was much easier that he moved 2hrs away to be with his tart from that pov.

Saw lawyer today. Because of savings I'm not eligible for legal aid.
She said it'd be best to come to an agreement between us to save money.
I'm entitled to 50/50 but it's negotiable. I'll need to find out what's in his pension pot and mine and potentially use that as a bargaining chip.

My DC are used to a nice house. If we split 50/50 they won't have that with me.
He will have the same equity as me but the ability to get a mortgage. I won't. If he gets arsey about it and won't negotiate then they'll be in some tiny rented flat which I will be paying for with savings because I won't be eligible for any housing benefit due to said savings.
The ball is definitely not in my court. Unless his pension is good. And I can forego claims to half of that in exchange for more from the assets upfront.
When I told the lawyer what pension he has her exact words were "oooofft!" So hopefully that means I have some leverage.

He did this after being unhappy for a long time with me.

We, no. He did it because his eye wandered. That's all. Nothing to do with you. If he stayed true to his vows he wouldn't have let his eye wander. He may have found someone attractive - who doesn't, frankly - but he CHOSE to act on it.

Don't be believing his rewriting of history. He's only doing that because not only has he let his dick win the day, he also refuses to take responsibility for what a shit he has been. So hey, he'll blame it on the wife. ' I've been unhappy for some time ' blahblah bullshit.

Keep going lovely. Day at a time. You're doing marvelously

Hold on a minute. You need to ask for more than 50% You will be providing a home for your children. None of my friends who have gone through this got 50% most 60% some 70%
You need to bargain with his pension or go after that as well. You are being too kind.

Newworldnow, are your friends in England? The law in Scotland will not grant her much more than 50% except in extreme circumstances. OP I'd suggest you try an accredited lawyer mediator, this will reduce costs as they're shared. It's a process with transparency and a neutral solicitor mediator. At the very least you could leave the process more informed.

It's likely that you will be able to negotiate a bigger chunk of the equity by offsetting his pension. He has the earning capacity to build his capital back up.

I'm sure you were advised of the different types of legal aid, even if you don't qualify for the pre-court assistance, if discussions deteriorate or you can't reach an agreement, you may still qualify for civil legal aid.

I'm getting 70/30 on the lot, pension and house. Thing is pension is real money, house value is pie in the sky until it's sold so honestly do not give away too much of the pension. I would have taken his pension and given him the house if I could have.

Pension is a good one to go for.

Have a look at Jeremy wolfe from divorce line.

He was very helpful to me and some women can go back for more if they think they've been let down but the courts.

Sorry...spelt his name wrong

www.divorcelifeline.co.uk/media/solicitors-urge-divorcees-to-seek-help-with-pension-valuations/

Give him a call. He's very easy to talk too and might give you some pointers especially as you are in Scotland.

I thought I'd been diddled . I still do.

( it's funny how his widow ( once a midwife supervisor on 40 grand a year) can afford to work very part time in a retailers and do a bit of party selling and not go back to her profession.. )

Knowing how shifty me ex was I'd be very surprised he didn't do a bit of squirrel ing away whilst in ME.

I will ask him what his suggestions are about how to provide decent housing for the DC (and me)
I will not get a mortgage of any kind on my salary and 50% of the equity will only buy me half a hovel.
I'm not trying to be a money grabber but I will play on his guilt (and pride) if it means I can secure us all a nice, stable environment to get on with our lives.
He could probably buy me out of this house if necessary which has literally only just crossed my mind.
I'm sure he's probably thought of it though.
Might be worth sitting on it for a while especially if the house doesn't shift or until a suitable house for me and DC comes up.
Thoughts oh wise ones?

some women can go back for more if they think they have been let down by the courts
I was living in Scotland and now EH was living in England. We both filed divorce petitions in the same week, there was absolutely zero communication between us. I had the differences in law explained to me. In England you can go back to court as often as you feel you need to. In Scotland, when it's done, it's done for good. You get one chance and there is no going back for more - the shutter is down. You have one opportunity to get it right so need to be fully aware of all the facts when financial agreements are finalised.

I am so sorry for what has happened to you, but you will find happiness again. Hugs x

Re house, I would stay put and let him pay the mortgage. He cannot force you out of there

There was some advice in the Telegraph money pages a while back that said most women are better off going for a share of the pension rather than a cash equivalent for the simple reason that women live longer so you can't buy an equivalent pension with the money.

Yeah that's a good point about living longer.