Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

It's a wobble, you will have them. It's all ups and downs for a bit.
You will feel loads better quicker than you think.
Echoing pissedoff s post. I remember sitting on my kitchen floor weeping at how I'd pay my mortgage never mind feed four kids. I was also in Ibiza with them all less than a year later.
When you get your money sorted and get him paying what he should, you will find you are ok and it's a great time to retrain as you will have help with fees and financial assistance.
It's like withdrawal I was with mine for 18 years and literally knew nothing else, I remember crying cos I had no memories without him in.
I made my own though and you will too.

I have to agree! Ranting on FB and to mutual friends won't make you happier or your pain less but when you do reflect you will feel embarrassed. Also you have 2 children you haven't explained this too so announcing all over FB causing other people to talk that maybe have children around yours and this is how your children find out. I have been where you are... get him out the house get organizing your life and find the strength you never knew you had! I wish you and your children all the best! I can honestly say that looking back my partner of 17 years did me a favor and to think i thought he'd completely broken me! No way! xx

That's the thing. The future is just a big, black empty hole with a past that's been a sham. My concept of everything has been utterly destroyed.
How do I find the strength to help the DC cope when I barely have any now for myself.

One day at a time. Don't think about the future right now, just get yourself and the kids through each day as it comes. How did tonight go? Are you coping with him coming for bedtimes? If not, put a stop to it. He caused this and you shouldn't be put through any more than you can deal with until you are ready.

Aw OP you will have wobbles. It's inly been a few days, it's all still raw and awful. You are doing brilliantly.

Please don't think you have no future. You just have a different future.

I will bore you with my story.
My ex left me for OW after 10 years, leaving me with a 1 yr old and a 4 yr old. Left me heartbroken, humiliated and absolutely devastated. Took me ages to get over it, he was a grade A twat. I was a lone parent for 8 years, but now, honestly, I'm glad he fucked off.

Anyway, when I got myself together, I went back to work, then college, then uni. Got my degree and now have a great career.
My DD's are growing into wonderful, young women, who I don't always want to strangle. Thanks to me, my ex hasn't been the best dad he could be.
I have a fab home and a lovely, wonderful partner who thinks the world of me and my daughters.

I know it hurts so much it's painful, and it's a living nightmare. But you will be ok, and one day you will be me, telling your survival story to someone else.

Ive spent the last hour sobbing down the phone to a friend who mostly couldn't understand what I was saying through the crying.

I'm feeling a bit better now I've got it out.
I'm so worried about the DC but I sent him away saying he needs to come up with a script of some description as to what he's going to say. His concern was that I'd be there!
Obviously I will but I said I didn't want to have to live the moment 20 times while working out what to say. He could do that since it's his fault their worlds being turned upside down.

How is it fair that he gets to do this and, when the dust settles he'll still have a £50k job and be able to afford a £300k house and potential new wife and kids; and me and the dc who've done nothing wrong, will be scraping by on benefits and his handouts in a pokey wee

Arf at my own comment-should have said my daughters are growing into wonderful young women thanks to me, as my ex hasn't been the best dad he could be.

On a £50,000 job he will be paying you £738 a month. You will get £500 ish in housing benefit if you want to rent. £200 in tax credit and CB a week, plus about £150 a week in wages. You will be fine

And if you go back to university £10,500 a year in grants and loans on top of that little lot.

Op.

My mum spent 30 years with my dad. He had affair after affair, flaunted woman after woman under her nose.

Young women, older women, rich women, didn't matter - they weren't his wife.

All my teenage years were spent on tenterhooks, waiting for the next explosion.

Even the woman he paraded at my wedding reception wasn't enough to make my mother walk away.

The final straw came when it was a mutual friend he messed about with - weeks before I gave birth - that's how long this sorry tale lasted. That's how many years I had an anxious tummy, that's how many years I didn't sleep at night.

Your son is an anxious child - the sooner the break up is done, the better it'll be for him. Rip the plaster off, kiss it better then you might just see a difference in him.

Don't be my mother - be you

Theresllois, that message actually choked me up. I hope you're Mam is now having a brilliant time?!

OP You will be fine because you'll get your cater back. You said you had one before? Start planning how to rebuild-something to focus on.

Or you'll set up a business. Or re-train. Or something. The world is your lobster.

Don't get why, as a youngish woman, you'd think you have to settle for earning less than him. Earn more. It's entirely possible.

Typo, sorry-career not cater...

MIL could be helpful. My DSis's H had an affair. His DM had always been close to the DC and she is genuinely lovely. My DSis has been careful to discuss nothing about her ex with his DM, never bad mouths him or even discusses him in any way. MIL has been a godsend at helping with emergency childcare and putting a rocket up her son when she felt he was shirking his parental duties (never informed on by my DSis - MIL just noticed herself).

I think she was just trying to raise a smile for the op Tragic

Lois that's what I'm so worried about!
How he could choose to do this now. A month from now would've been preferable or a month ago.

He paid for an August holiday for us all less than 2 months ago. And we're going with friends so potentially ruining their holiday too.

If things had panned out differently with a house we had our eye on, we'd have been moving into a new town, new house, moving kids schools in the next 2 weeks too.
We were making plans for our future right up till he dropped his bomb.

Ds is doing well with his issues after I talked with his teacher again and now he could have all this extra stress just as the school year ends and any chance of support through school goes poof for 7 weeks.

I could throttle DH just for his shitty timing alone

pissssedofff that's the kind of info I need!!
I'm so scared about money (I think as its a tangible thing I can potentially control as opposed to the emotional trauma which I can't)
so knowing the numbers is strangely calming.

Thank you

If you can now just fast forward the next 8-12 months, I'd be forever grateful

Tragicomical I am Scots and that post is fairly typical of our humour in times of crisis. Hope the op took it the way it was intended.

There was also genuine advice on that post.

Op the finances will work out, you'll be surprised both at how much you'll get and how well you'll juggle when you need to. Welfare rights are well versed in telling you what you're entitled to that deprived etc won't tell you and are also great at helping you fill out the endless forms and arrange the evidence needed. They've been a great help to me.

I liked it baconyum i always read your name as baconymum

Me too zarah
On both counts

Zarah you're not the first to read my name like that. Im not bacony at all either - veggie lol (although provide dd with bacony sandwiches occasionally).

Can't be arsed to get up and look in the mirror so took a selfie as my eyes feel so puffy and sore.
baconyum, my face looks like a well skelpt erse!

Lol penny fer it?

Bonnet I cried buckets and buckets.
I still wonder if he ever really loved me.

It doesn't matter now..

You will get over this.
You've got mumsnet army right beside you cheering you on..

Keep a journal. Write all your feelings down in it. Every one.

I did. It was very therapeutic.

If I want a good laugh I read it now. Biggest load of crap and drivel ever.

Sometimes I should post some of it to give you all a laugh

Here's a clue

It starts with
My dearest darling....one , two three ...sick bags at the ready lol!