Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

I want him back.
I love him.
This isn't real.
I honestly feel like I'm going to die from this pain.

Op.....(((((hugs))))).

Am I right this was the one where his lvoer has gone back to her husband? If so then surely there is a good chance he will come home and the sooner that is done the fewer people have to know and the easier it will be to get back to normal. Loads of couples have blips like this and continue. This doesn't have to end the marriage unless you want it to.

I'm trying to write a list for the solicitor tomorrow.
It's so surreal.
I'm basically writing a list of everyone/thing I love/own and asking if I'm allowed to love or own it and, if so, how much?
That's not right! It's just not.
He gets to stick his dick in someone else and I get to lose my kids 2 nights a week and live on benefits and have no future.

You can do this. Do you have a friend in rl you can call. Youve been so strong. He has decided sadly he doesnt want to be a family anymore. He might change his mind but the way things are looking at the moment it doesnt look likely. Could you trust him anyway. You have two amazing children and by the sounds of it lovely friends. Xxxxx

He's not coming back. He doesn't love me. He said if it doesn't work out with her he'll be single.

He DOESNT LIVE ME ANYMORE!!!!!

Keep that anger op. Please phone someone in rl op. Someone who can listen. You going to go through different feelings. You can do this!

Ignore any poster that can't be bothered to read the thread properly. Save your energy for caring for you and your children.

You can be a mum living away from her husband as you have too and you will get stronger. It's just very early days.

Assume he's no longer on your team. Solicitors are naive when they say try to be amicable as it is rare that it stays that way. He has to provide for the children and only agree to what is fair for you and them.

Don't hide money as it won't end well.

Stay strong.

I've read through all of the messages on this thread.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. You are still in shock - you are feeling the very worst now and it will get better.

Please try to focus on yourself first. If you don't feel like eating have some sweet tea and soup or yoghurt. Keep yourself dehydrated.
Don't be alarmed if you are hardly sleeping. This happens when you are in shock - cat nap if you can.

I am angry on your behalf. He has an absolute cheek turning up in the early hours treating your home like it is a hotel. YOUR home.
He will not be wanting custody of your children - it's your home.
Remember that you are taking care of the children and its your home.

When you are feeling drained and frightened remember that it you who will be providing a home life for your children. Take no notice of 50/50 talk.
You will be entitled to more as you will be taking care of your children.
Taking them to McDonald's every other weekend doesn't count.

How dare he threaten you if you become assertive? You sound very calm and reasonable and not at all aggressive.
What is wrong with being assertive? You have your children and yourself to take care of.
His relationship with the OW may well fail if she realises what she has to lose with her husband (lifestyle etc) but please don't let him manipulate you if he wants to return.
If he does, he will put you through this again. You are still young with great opportunities ahead.

I can't advise on the benefits part but you can do this - baby steps. Get through to bedtime - then regroup for tomorrow.

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. It is shit, it is unfair it's ok to mourn the life you had planned as a family & it's really bloody annoying that the twat gets to do this too you & steal your babies away
(disclaimer to mn purists - I know he's their dad and they deserve a relationship with him blah blah)
You didn't sign up to part time parenting.

Stay strong for them & take things day by day - it will get easier

You can do this. One step at a time.one breath at at time when you feel really bad. There will be wobbles.thats totally natural.you are doing so well.

It's normal to feel a wobble, it's part of the process.
You are doing great. Please believe in yourself.

Your life is NOT over , your future will be bright you just can't see it right now because you are in shock.

Stop trying to be brave & contain it, give yourself a break, call someone, get support for yourself,

He's coming round soon so I need to get my shit together. I can't let him see me upset.
He's only here for the DC bedtime then he can leave and he's not back here till Thursday after work.
That's when we're supposed to talk about specifics.
My friend is coming to me tomorrow to go to the lawyer and spend the day with me.

I haven't eaten except a slice of cheese. And tea. I've been off sugar since January and I've started putting it in my tea!
The kids are just having sandwiches for tea so I might have something with them as long as he's not here by then.

Op do you have fav jeans, something that makes you feel good and confident. If so put them on. You so strong and been amazingly through this. So pleased you have a friend oming with you tomorrow. Please remember to eat and drink. You need to keep your strength! Xxx

You really need to eat, you don't want him bringing up you not eating if all this goes to court. Bastards like him will tell his solicitor everything. Eat your food, even if it's just a bit of fruit or a small sandwich if you can't stomach much.

Cry in private. Don't let him see you vulnerable.
Pull yourself together.
DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE.
No good will ever come of it.

Can you pop out for a couple of hours while he's there & let him do bedtime if it's not too unsettling for them?

You can manage it all. You are thinking about all the right things and being very organised. It sounds like he won't be coming back so okay work from that.

It never works spending money on lawyers on both sides. I have known far too many people where the difference between the amounts of money they are aruging over they have spent entirely on solicitors. It is very very expensive using solicitors so whilst it's wise to take legal advice from them it tends to be in the children's best interests if you reach a reasonable settlement. We both had solicitors but negotiated at home and gave them the financial deal we reached which they drew up and the court sealed regarding money. (We did both work full time and I earned more so not quite like your situation)

I agree, do eat. If you 've been off sugar since January (well done!) I would try to keep off it as it just spikes your mood up and then you crash so it's probably just about the worst thing for you at present. Try some eggs.

Your solicitor will give you the best advice. I think as said above it looks like except in special cases Scottish law divides matrimonial property (but not property/cash you had before the marriage or inherit) into two and you have half each.

I would have loved mym ex to have the children 2 nights a week! I wanted 50/50 but no, he doesn't even have them one night a year which is a bit of a burden if you work full time! If he has then 2 nights a week at least you'll get the chance to have a bit of peace, find someone else or do more part time work.

I just wanted to say that you're doing so well. I was where you are 2 years ago and remember the pain, I've never felt anything like it.

I wouldn't worry about finances and custody etc right now. Just look after yourself and do what you need to get through the day.

I wouldn't be letting him come round in the evening. You need space and time to digest all of this without him around. If this is definitely what he wants, tell the kids. It will be heartbreaking whether you do it now, next week or next month. If he wants to break up your family, let him see what that is like. He can see them every other weekend and one night through the week. Let him see what his life will be like.

Just read this whole thread and wanted to say how well you are doing. You're acting with admirable restraint and decorum.

Come on OP - he's not the man you fell I'm love with.

You want the idea of him back, not the man who avoids spending time with your children to shag a mutual friend, also married.

You're doing great, just super.

We're all right here for you

Listen .... 18 months ago I was on benefits and posting on here about how the fuck I could buy school uniform for 4 kids, 3 with adult sized feet and the costs that go with it. I had no home, we were in a council 3 bedroomed flat all 5 of us, it was shit. No child support etc.
I've just booked Disney for the 5 of us.

New job, new life. You are going to be fine you really really are. Promise.

Oh and I've just passed my first year of uni 😁😁😁😁😁😁
Not trying to brag but to make you see it is going to be ok

Och come one!

Ye've a guid Scots tongue in yer heid! Use it tae tell him tae get tae fuck!!!!

Wha's yer clan?

I should have said earlier, benefits advice is best from welfare advice officer in social services dept. Not cab.

Yes lawyers are expensive, but good ones are worth it! To keep costs low don't use the time with lawyers to vent, cry etc nor waffle. Write down salient points and hand to them soon as you get there and get them to zip through things.

Pissssssedoff attagirl!