Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

You're doing so well op.

Please don't think that if you're nice to him then he will be nice to you.
He won't.
He's manipulating and bullying you.

Many women in your position feel they should take the moral high ground and fo the right thing for - him - the kids - family etc.
What about you????
He's going to let you be nice and accommodating and then do whatever he wants at you & the kids expense regardless...

You standing up for yourself and being assertive to protect you & your kids dies NOT make you responsible for his behaviour.

^he just wants you to think that... Keeps you quiet and in your place, see???

I would tell them now if I could. But it's dd's birthday in a week! Her party this weekend (and fucking Father's Day)
I'm so worried about ds's reaction, and the anxiety he already has around transition and change. Is it any wonder we're waiting?

DC have just come into bed with me asking where DH is. He's gone to work really early (not unusual so no questions) but I'm laying the groundwork.
We had a wee chat about how daddy would love to be at home all the time but he has to go to work. They understand that he earns money (as do they by helping with chores and getting pocket money from dgm)
I hope they aren't traumatised. I'm pretty sure I will be all over again when we have to do it.

I also had a mutual friend contact me. Someone DH has known since school. And another who is a friend of all 3 of us (me DH and ow) I've replied saying basically the same thing to both of them.
I love them and value their friendship but I'd never expect them to be disloyal and therefore I couldn't speak freely. I hope they understand.

I'm not sure what else I can do. DH has lots of old friends who became mine during our relationship. Some I've known 20 years. But they were predominantly his friends.
I'm bowing out. I have fantastic friends who I can bitch and cry and get support from without fear of it getting back to him. I'll likely have to lose more than a few very good people from my life but it's not worth the risk.
I had a good cry last night over our mutual group which ow is part of too. But one person who remains her friend through all this bars me from that group and that's what's happening.
I'm so sad to lose so much more than just my husband through this. But I am hardening up. I will try not to get too hard. My DC need softness around them, now more than ever.

If people are asking you about it then maybe you should simply tell them and let them make up their own minds I think...it is horrible to lose people on top of everything else and actually you may be surprised at who stays if you let them choose based on full understanding of what's happened and that's a comfort later on, even if it doesn't seem important now.
I was petrified when we told our kids we were splitting up. But we stuck to the facts about what would practically happen and reassured them that we both still loved them and that will never change. They were amazing and it was thankfully no where near as bad as I thought it would be. They dont take on all the adult worries about this-they just, ime, want to know how it will affect them day to day and to know that they will still be loved. You are doing so well OP-really. I know how bloody hard it is to have to hold it together for things like DD's birthday...you are doing an amazing job.

You really do need to get a solicitor, Scottish law is very different to English law. I don't think 50/50 would be fair or reasonable in your circumstances. But you'd be unlikely to get more than 60%. (Depending of course on any particular/special circumstances).

Though he will have an ongoing obligation towards the children, it's unlikely he will have to pay ongoing maintenance to you. Scottish law seeks a clean break for couples. I would recommend capitalising on the apparent guilt, as it will inevitably be short lived. As soon as he has the reality of another household to maintain the good intentions usually evaporate.

Good luck, sounds like you will be eligible for legal aid too.

'My h has told a lot of lies about me, as he wanted to be seen as the wronged party' yea mine got right in my face and spat as he spoke 'I'm going to make you kick me out and I'm gonna make it look like it's all YOUR fault!' The first time I voiced my suspicions (about 4 months before split). But he's not very bright or discreet so everyone knew and definitely didn't blame me. Friends that were his for years before we met cut him off and are still my friends 13 years later!

Op you're doing great but I suspect the people that are his friends getting in touch already know.

You really do need to get a solicitor, Scottish law is very different to English law. I don't think 50/50 would be fair or reasonable in your circumstances. But you'd be unlikely to get more than 60%. (Depending of course on any particular/special circumstances).

Exactly, which is why I said op would be best to get her ill health 'made official' as that could make a difference.

While we were mostly amicable he implied that if I got aggressive or assertive about things he'd be less inclined to be generous. I questioned whether that was some kind of threat - yes, it's him showing you who he is now. You have to wonder at his idea of 'being generous'. Splitting marital assets 50/50 isn't generous on his part, nor is splitting hairs over the difference in car valuations. He's all out for himself and his new life. The courts should decide the financial split though, it's not his decision anyway.

Just a thought on when to tell the DC. I wonder if it might be best to tell them whilst your boy still has a few days of term time left. Two reasons - one is that going to nursery/school for a further few days will distract him a little, and that would probably be a good thing. The second reason is that it gives them a few days for the immediate shock to wear off before the school holidays start. It's such a shame to drop that on them just at the beginning of the holiday.

Someone said up thread that your DC could go and see him and even stay over at his mother's house. I think that's a great idea. It would mean that they have someone else around when they're with him, someone familiar and also a familiar place to go to.

Agatha's advice is good ... it would be rotten for them to start the holiday like that whereas if you do it now, he'll see it as a bad end to the school year and the holidays as a sort of 'fresh start' (still upset though of course). You are doing so well

50/50 is not reasonable at all, my ex tried that shit and was rattling on about us having the same income, conviently forgetting I have 4 extra mouths to feed !!!
This doesn't need to turn into world war 3 but you do need to take legal advice and then apply it, it's not difficult, I'm no legal Eagal but I have successfully got what I wanted from the court system without a solicitor. Ex has paid out £5,000 and achieved nothing.

Conkers is correct.
He wrote the most awful lies about me . Saying I was a bad mother.
Thank god for grown up children.
My wonderful daughter wrote a letter to the judge saying what a fabulous mum I was . He tried to blame the fact that I was often unwell too and that made me a bad mother when I gave 150 per cent on those days.

That might be worth getting some written testimonials from. Friends who've known you a long time in case he pulls that stunt.

Don't forget he had a ten month start on me. By the time I'd just got to the I'm thinking of leaving you/ I love you but I'm not in love with you stage, I was the albatross around his neck .the one thing from barring him from who he wanted to be with.

My ex got 59% (and a clean break - no support for me or children) as I earn more. That is England. I think you are in Scotland. Don't agree anything financial until you have seen a solicitor. If you can't work due to ill health and you sacrificed your career to bring up the children then it is more likely you will stay in the house until the children are 18 or you cohabit or remarry and he will only get his share out then and he will also pay you some support and the children (although I am not sure about Scottish law - probably a bit less generous to lower earners in the couple).

Youare doing well to get copies of things. Get his P60s and also ideally copies of his tax returns and all his pension details if he has a private pension. I don't know if Scottish law does pension sharing orders but I think it does (England does)

Bacon...we're we married to the same guy. Mine got right in my face and spat as he called me Bitch In The front street. He was positively foaming. You could see the undisguised hatred in his face.

I was called this because I would not tell my friend she could not come to our grandsons christening because her cheating ex was going to be godfather. Between them they turned what should have been a lovely day into a shambles!
Btw I made a really close friend from someone I hadn't known before. Her ex and my ex and their other friend were all cheating on us with a circle of women who all knew one another.

My ex even told me...will you stop ringing my friend's wives and talking to them about their husbands. Err no.

Birds of a feather hang out together. So true in his case and I got valuable advice from the womenfolk.

Re the kids ...personally I wouldn't spin it out. I'd be tempted to say that daddy loves someone more than me but he still loves you very much. He won't be here as much as he will go to live with her but he will still come to see you and when he gets his new house you can visit him as often as you want. In the meantime I ll be here for you . Or words to that effect.

Keep it simple and matter fact.

Can only emphasise the importance of getting legal advice asap, so you know where you stand. I'm afraid you're not going to be permitted to stay in the house until the kids are 18 unless he agrees to it. This simply will not happen in Scotland. It doesn't have to end in court, there are many options to exhaust before that happens.

50/50 is the starting point in Scots law, but you have been disadvantaged and have arguments for a greater share.

The legal aid board will act to find you a solicitor if you have no luck locally yourself.

Dowser - and I was worried that'd out me! Just shows how similarly these bastards behave!

Frankly another wife wouldn't surprise me. I'll pm you why (definitely identifying!)

I'd also recommend age appropriate honesty with dc. I wasn't and dd figured it out herself (upon learning human gestation length and knowing her half brothers dob). THAT bit me on the arse!

That's ashamed morrisey. Not staying in house till kids are 18. So sad that kids get to their lose their home because their dad chose to break it up.
At the end of the day it all depends on the judge.
They have to be seen to be to be fair.

It's a fundamentally different framework up here, the aim is to allow both parties to move on. Sheriffs don't have the ability to depart from the law and there is a well established system for dividing assets.

Kids are resilient, and if both parents put them first, they will adapt to the new normal. This is a long way off I know, and you are shell-shocked at the moment. But in my experience, when women are informed and advised of their rights/likely outcomes, this is hugely empowering. Part of the trauma is the unknown, and the future you envisaged being pulled out from under you.

Absolutely drop his friends if you don't feel that you should talk to them. You are not under any obligation to stay friends with a bunch of people who might or might not side with the OW. They obviously aren't important enough to you to save the friendships anyway. Your kids are the only people who need an explanation.

Knowledge is power morrisey I so agree.
I think op was seeing a solicitor today.

I was at CAB today.
Benefits will be tricky because I took the money. I'm considering withdrawing some and putting it in the dc accounts. But not sure how that'll work.
If I have more than £6k any claims will be affected.

Advice was to try and keep it amicable and avoid involving solicitors until we've agreed on the majority of things.

I've got a few leaflets to read over and digest before the lawyer tomorrow.

He's given me his p60 and has phoned the council about the council tax but not sure if he's changed it over to my name or just requested a paper copy of the bill.

Ou r tax credit forms came in the post yesterday so I guess that's a phone call. But I'm so uncertain about everything I'm not sure what I'd even say.

I'm not sure what to say. Personally I wouldn't DLA yrhing that would get you in trouble with the benefits agency.

I think best to speak to your solicitor in a matter like this.

You might / probably need the dwp to fallback on keep squeaky cleanis probably the best advice.

Do anything

At least speaking to a solicitor will keep will let you know what you are legally entitled too under Scottish law.

I think my advice rather keep it amicable is keep it polite but firm with him.

If he tried any shenanigans with me idbe saying I'm not accepting anything less than I'm legally entitled to however if you decide to be more than generous to me ad your childreni will happily accept that.

We currently don't get anything except CB.

I'm having a big wobble.
I can't do this on my own.
I can't.
I've never had to.
He's taken care of me for 16 years.
I can take care of the DC but all this other stuff is overwhelming me now.
The DC are watching yet another movie and I'm crying in the bathroom.
I just want it all to go away

You can do this, deep breathes. Focus on the now, one step at a time lovely lady, one step at a time.