Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

He's here having come from work wearing his dad's trousers
When he left yesterday he forgot to take his suit.

I've managed to find lots of paperwork and print off others but I haven't a utility bill. Everything is online and in his name.

Hopefully he will be amiable enough to help me with that.
I guess if he's not I'll know where I stand. In which case my lawyer better be a Rottweiler.

It's surprisingly ok with him here. Feels like normal but with a little more nerves. He's not shouting at the DC.
I've gone to my bedroom to give them proper time. If I was available DC would want me to read stories but I guess he should do it. I'll go back in before they go to bed.

Just heard ds say he wants to spend time with mummy. DH said "you've been with mummy since after school, and you haven't seen me for a day" and ds just said "but you're always walking around doing work"

That's gotta hurt. But the truth does hurt.

You're doing really well.

Ask your friend to help take notes at solicitors as you may hear a lot.

Also, there's an online site wikivorce, which will have some practical advice on divorce and financial separation when you're ready.

My STBXH's family are lovely all apart from PIL whom are friendless mean people. It's good to keep in contact with people whom can remain neutral and friendly. I agree you're best not talking about ex with his mum.

I don't let STBXH in house anymore as I needed it to be my santuary, but I know it does work for others.

He can contact bill providers to get your name added to bills. Then you can move to your account along with savings. That worked for me. Then in old joint account I cancelled direct debits just in case they tried to pull twice.

How amazingly brave and calm you've been. Keep going, you're doing so well.

Hope the meeting with your MIL goes well, though I'm sure you'll both be emotional. Best all round though if you can maintain a good relationship.

Interesting what your DS said to him tonight. I'm sure he didn't like that one little bit. What a shame!

All that time he spent lying about being at work, I hope what D's said did hurt.

You're doing brilliantly onit

i agree bastardgodarkly-it should hurt him he was never there coz he was too busy with his ow

dont know how solicitors work with fees in scotland u might still get legal aid there

Op, what have you told the children? Where do they think he is, if he's not living at home?

Horse he was staying at his mums last night and that's what I said. He was here after work and did their bath and bed (though ds wouldn't let him put him to bed; I had to)
Tomorrow he'll have "gone to work early" which isn't unusual so they won't suspect anything odd. We'll just continue on this theme. Though the weekend will prove trickier.
I haven't committed to it but I did suggest he could stay in the spare room if it helps the pretence while we get to a point we can tell DC.

He's not long gone.
I basically said I wasn't discussing money until I had advice.
He was suggesting splitting assets 50:50 but I'm not sure. If the kids are mostly with me then surely I need a bigger house than him. My potential earnings have been poleaxed by having his kids (not that I regret them by any stretch) my health was ruined by that too.
Hed even got valuations on the cars and was suggesting if I kept my more expensive car I'd have to lose the difference from elsewhere!!!
Anyway, we didn't go into much detail on the money.
We organised the next few days of seeing the kids and I've been generous in order to keep DC in the dark. Still to discuss the weekend and beyond. He's looking for local places to stay but there's not much available, so in the meantime, to not disrupt the DC too much, I've offered him to spend time here. I'm not sure if that's great but even dd would twig if the only time she saw daddy he was taking her out for tea. Because I'd prefer him to have a place first, we're no further forward on telling them. If it wasn't such monumentally bad timing on his part, I'd do it now. I'm so angry at him.
I was civil and dignified, I think. But I did tell him repeatedly that his assurances that he'd be generous, were not going to make me trust him. His guilt will fade and when he's paying rent and bills etc, he might just become a bit less generous.
While we were mostly amicable he implied that if I got aggressive or assertive about things he'd be less inclined to be generous. I questioned whether that was some kind of threat.

On an emotional note, I feel not much different. I didn't feel sad even looking at him. He's not the man I loved. I truly don't recognise him. It was like looking at a stranger in my kitchen.
I'm sad now because it's obvious to me that there's not a shred of feeling in him for me. It's all about the guilty conscience. I know he didn't stop loving me overnight but less than a month ago I thought I was loved and now I know I'm not. And it hurts in a way I can't describe.

He's coming tomorrow to see the DC and I'm going to citizens advice. I just want to hate him but I don't. But the way he was looking at me; I'm not sure what he was thinking about me. Pity, revulsion, guilt, resentment. I hope we get this over soon because I don't want to be looked at like that ever again.

He's had the cars valued??!! Sounds like a right sneaky bastard to me. I'd be getting to the solicitors asap. Fore warned is fore armed and hes obviously been arming up for a while now.

For you and

50:50?! No court in the land will give him half of everything if you have residency of the kids and have taken a career hit to look after them.

I'm guessing he's taken legal advice already, knows he's going to get nothing like 50%, so is trying to get an agreement out of you before you seek legal representation.

He's playing you OP. Don't fall for his wankery.

Everyone else will be able to give you much better advice than I can.

But please play your cards close to your chest. In fact pretend you don't even have cards. If you can I would keep the focus on what he's done, the emotional damage and the fall out of it all. Keep him feeling guilty, thinking about the impact on the kids while you secretly get everything sorted financially. Don't let him get the slightest inkling of how much knowledge you've amassed over the past few days, the fact that you have an idea that he will change (and might therefore be protecting yourself) or how strong you are being. Keep him completely in the dark while you get in the best position and look after yourself and your DC.

You don't have to appear weak - there's enough in letting the kids, his MIL etc down to play with - but I definitely wouldn't give him any indication that you've considered how this might play out/how he might change. Keep him focused on the present mess he's made, not thinking about the future.

He's already given you an indication that he might not be the fair, kind guy he promised to be initially in terms of your finances - so don't give him any information that could work to your disadvantage.

Then take the fucker down.

(Sorry if that's not appropriate but I so want you to!)

You're amazing

I remember that look and how it made me feel.
That's why it's best not to see him much or you get the picked scab effect.
I know u are doing it for the kids but if it's making you feel crap and stopping you healing then that's no help to them.
See how you feel.
I stopped my ex coming for a but and it really helped. I got my sisters to do handover of kids.
Hope u sleep X

This is a man who has been planning for a while. He's had legal advice and had time to have cars valued.

He is offering you 50% because he knows you could get family home until kids are 18, at least.

I think he gets one quarter and you and DC get three quarters.

But now you know to be on your guard. He has had advice. He is trying to play to his advantage. He is issuing veiled threats to get you to toe line. He is more ruthless than you are giving credit for.

I'm so sorry OnIt but PP's are correct. You only told him to leave at the weekend. He only came clean about OW on Friday. He's been planning this. I dare say, she has also been planning this so their ducks were in a row for when they left. I've seen this happen to a dear family friend and he even convinced her to give the OW a share of the divorce as it was fair despite family friend having the children 24/7. I've seen it also with a friend in her current situation as well. Do not agree to anything but text or email. as I've said before, his concerns is him primarily and then her. Yours is primarily your kids and then yourself - that comes through in your posts. Get advise and gets rottie. He's not worth the sympathy and do not let him back in the house to hide things from the kids. Kids aren't stupid. Even if you don't think they will, they have an inkling. If anything, they'll end up more confused and angry. Clean break. Keep calm and protect yourself. Big to you

Wow. Gobsmacked at bare faced effrontery.

You're playing too nice op,allowing him to stay at time.

Honestly you really don't want him in your home. Getting his feet u der the table. Seeing too much.

Far better to let the kids stay over one night at his mums.
Even if it's camp bed s on the floor of his room. They are only little. They'd think it was fun.
Can't believe he'd got the cars valued.
That's for the form e . Anything over £500 goes on that.

I don't think he will get anywhere near 50 per cent. Not in the short term anyway.

Keep him at arms length.
He sounds wily and calculating and like he's already seen a solicitor.

My car was only worth £500 so didn't go on the form.

I have no direct personal experience of the pain you must be in so please forgive me if I speak out of line; however I do know what happens when, for the very best of intentions, information is kept from children.

It really is better for your children to hear about the separation from the both of you, or at least one or other parent, not from another child at school or an over-heard conversation between other adults. Please consider telling them sooner rather than later, especially if its going to take time for your STBX to find a place of his own.
Wishing you a restful night

Do NOT allow him to stay in spare room. As i have previously said you are thinking too much about his feelings and wants and not enough about your own. He is NOT a good guy, he will screw you over for every last penny he can to feather his new nest if you allow him too, OP please dont let him.

'This is a man who has been planning for a while. He's had legal advice and had time to have cars valued.' Yep! That did not happen in a few days!!

No form E in Scots law unless it's changed since my divorce. But lawyers do assess the value of matrimonial assets. That then confirms he's discussed in depth a divorce with a lawyer.

Op your health - get that official ASAP ie registered disabled or claiming sickness benefits. It increases the strength of your claim to be more than 50/50

Children are more resilient thn we give them credit but it's easy to project our feelings in them.

You are splitting up. Saying he can stay in spare room an come over and do bath and bed may lead to confusion. You are better off being straight with the children right from the start. Sugar coating wears off quickly.

Children like routine and it would be better when he has his own place and they go there, so they know what's what in the two homes. Coming round for bath and bed may be difficult to keep up and if he doesn't turn up then the children will be upset. If they know they have set times they see daddy and to round his they will understand things a lot better and once a routine is established it will become the norm for them.

I'm glad you are getting legal advice, it sounds as if he already has and this has been planned for awhile.

It's not your problem if he can't find a place near to you, you need him out of there asap.

It's going to get touch as finances are sorted as he isn't going to want to budge an inch.

Be very careful with th mother in law. With my first ex, my children's father, in the early 1990s digital photos weren't really a thing and we still had photos on paper that were made from negatives. After we split she came round and asked to look through photo albums. Only when she'd gone I discovered she had stolen some of them. I managed to get copies of work from the negatives I still had but others I couldn't. She denied it but the photos appeared in her home. If she'd asked I would have for copies for her!

I digress, you are doing well oo, but please don't be too nice to this man! You are an albatross around his neck, that's all he sees you as, and you must afford him the same distrust and contempt. Put your feelings first not his and do not keep thinking the children are going to be sad so I'd better do this or that. The children are going to be upset but it won't last. Just like adults they want to know where they stand. Keeping it from them or trying to pretend daddy is still in the home but busy, is not good for anyone.

Just thinking - ow may only have moved back in with hubby to increase her claim on their home!

Who the hell does he think he is, arrogant bastard? Less inclined to be generous!!

There you have it, he's out for himself, you have to be the same. No more nicey nicey - the little shit is trying to scare you into doing what HE wants - don't give in to him

Just rtft and wanted to come on to say how well you are doing op.
And also to agree with pp that you cannot trust him to do the right thing financially. Already his language on this is betraying what he really thinks-'less inclined to be generous'. He is convincing himself that the financials are his gift to decide, as in his head he has been doing the hard work and supporting you whilst you have been ill so he has the right to choose and anything he ' gives' you is him being generous.We all know that's rubbish.Your contribution to raising the kids and looking after him
And the home stuff is just as valuable.But it's quite dangerous and hard to argue against when they convince themselves-and it's amazing how someone's personality will change when there is money involved.

Additionally be prepared for some mud slinging from him to any mutual friends and family. My h has told a lot of lies about me, as he wanted to be seen as the wronged party (to justify his own actions).I have found this to be hugely hurtful on top of everything else.my advice would be to tell any outside people the full story in a non dramatic but factual way to avoid this being the case.this might not seem the most important thing now but later on you may well need the support of others.
The most dangerous liars are the ones that believe their own lies-that's certainly true of my h-I hope yours will be more decent.

Please get a SHL (shit hot lawyer).
For your children as much as you.
He has had legal advice - and is trying to screw you.

You've already had threats, and a very unreasonable and utterly ungenerous offer of how to split the assets of the marriage.
It will only get worse.