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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
user1464519881 · 13/06/2016 07:47

If his other woman has returned to her husband then he may well want to come back home. Don't discount that as an option (although you can get a solicitor to draw up a post nup agreement in such cases if you want setting new conditions for him being allowed to continue the marriage with financial consequences if he strays again or sees the other woman) and he will certainly need to arrange STD tests for him and you.

2nds · 13/06/2016 07:53

Arrange your own std tests OP and remember this was an affair and not a one night stand and he only owned up when the husband kicked her out because he knew the game was up. He's not trustworthy, he will know to be extra careful with the next woman he shags.

mummymeister · 13/06/2016 08:09

glad you got some sleep especially as you really needed it.

definitely have an std test.

now that the OW has gone back home steel yourself for the fact that he may want to "kiss and make up". whether you do or not is entirely your decision but whatever you do take slow, calm and rational decisions not when you are tired.

at the very least you need him away from you for a couple of weeks so that you can start to make sense of it all.

personally this would be a complete deal breaker for me but others on MN have taken their H's back and made it work.

Pisssssedofff · 13/06/2016 08:50

There's a famous quote. Women may forgive but they never forget what they've forgiven.

Tate15 · 13/06/2016 08:54

Just keep in mind op that if he now wants to stay it isnt because he couldn't stand to leave you but it's because the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

clarrrp · 13/06/2016 08:55

I'm sure he won't go for the norm. My guess is he'll want every weekend and a day a week as a minimum. Is that even likely? Possible? He'll take a hell of a dent in his earnings if he does. And the DC won't know whether they're coming or going

Regardless of what he has done why the HELL shouldn't he be allowed as much access to his kids as he wants? They are HIS KIDS TOO.

In our house the kids live with me but my ex and his family have full access to them at all times - it's no odds to me if they pop down for a coffee with us or call with 15 mins notice to ask to take the kids out for the day. Their father is just as much a part of their life as I, their mother am.

And who cares about his earnings in this? Why does that even matter?

blindsider · 13/06/2016 09:16

Clarrp

In our house the kids live with me but my ex and his family have full access to them at all times - it's no odds to me if they pop down for a coffee with us or call with 15 mins notice to ask to take the kids out for the day. Their father is just as much a part of their life as I, their mother am.

That set up is commendable but most people want some sort of separation, I certainly wouldn't have wanted my ex popping in for a 15 minute coffee. I had the kids every wednesday (and then Thursdays(at their request)) and every other weekend, was always happy to swap days weekends to accommodate but had no desire to socialise with ExW.

petalsandstars · 13/06/2016 09:22

No he should not have them every weekend! In that case OP would have all the school mornings/homework and no weekend leisure time with her own DC! EOW is much fairer in that sense - why should he get to work free from childcare worries/school runs/after school organisation Monday to Friday then pick up DC for fun Disney dad time every weekend only to hand them back for the weekday rush again with OP?

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 13/06/2016 09:26

Just had a text from my mil.
Trying to arrange to meet and asking if she can bring the DCs cousin to visit on Sunday. Long standing plans.

I said of course they're both welcome. I hope nothing changes between us. She's their only gran and whatever has happened I love her and don't want to lose her too.

I'm very upset but dd is here so no tears.

OP posts:
Dowser · 13/06/2016 09:51

Awwww

You're doing great op.

I'd be devastated if it was either of my children breaking up. My sil has been in the family for 20 years and my dil 7 .

They become like your own children.

Poor woman must be feeling sad and betrayed too.
Hope today goes well.

GabsAlot · 13/06/2016 10:07

is he still gone?

dont know what the situation is with the ow but watch out for im so sorry and all that crap if shes gone crawling back to her husband

MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 13/06/2016 11:13

We're just moving this to Relationships, as requested by OP. Flowers

coco1810 · 13/06/2016 11:17

Don't cry (literally) over him and do not communicate your feelings via facebook. Try and go into practical mode, sort out your finances, house, how much he is going to pay for DC. Arrange to see a lawyer. Keep close toDC and rl friends.

SandyY2K · 13/06/2016 11:37

I've only read your posts up to page 4, but the 180 will help you. The begging is one of the worse things you can do when there is another woman, but many do it in shock.

Read this and it will prepare you for a life without him and help emotionally detach.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

Some say it causes a change from the cheater who wants to leave but that is not actually the intention.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2016 12:28

Of course you are very upset.
You are doing great.
Holding it together for the DC but you are allowed to fall apart when they are not around.
50:50!?
He won't really want that.
I doubt he has any idea what that actually entails.

I just wanted to join the 'well done' on your weight loss.
And well done for getting on with this all so brilliantly.

You will get there.
I'm glad you have good friends around you.
Use them. They will want to help and support you.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 13/06/2016 12:38

I've tried to post this 3 times now.

Dd asking for daddy this morning so I asked DH round after work. We can talk after DC go to bed.

Appointment with lawyer on Wednesday morning and a friend to go with me.
I'll agree to nothing till after that but can organise the next few days.

Ow temporarily back in marital home. Presumably no where else to go.
He won't want to come back he doesn't love me and I need to learn to not love him.

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 13/06/2016 12:52

Onit, I think your ability not to be too bitter here and continuously put your kids first is amazing. I hope I'd have your grace.

You are doing things perfectly. Organising solicitors, trying to not disrupt the little ones too much.

Given how much your breaking in side I just wanted to say you should be really proud of yourself.

Be calm and cool tonight, if you can.

Jelliebabe1 · 13/06/2016 15:56

Onit. I do hope you're okay today. You're being very strong and I hope you've found someone who you can unload on in real life Flowers

GingerIvy · 13/06/2016 16:16

Great to keep to visit with IL, but don't tell her anything that you don't want your ex to know. You will see them twist themselves inside to make excuses for their son. It's truly awkward to listen to. Been there.

GingerIvy · 13/06/2016 16:17

sorry... "inside OUT"...

notapizzaeater · 13/06/2016 16:34

You can do this - you are doing great x

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 13/06/2016 16:46

The first thing I'll be saying to mil is that I'll not be discussing anything about the situation.
We can talk about the kids and whatever she wants to talk about but I won't be. I can't anyway. I don't know what the fuck is happening. I'm just getting through a day at a time.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 13/06/2016 17:16

ONitlikeacarbonnet - I've just read your whole thread in one go and can't imagine the roller coaster you are going through. He's definitely following a script and I'm pretty sure they all say they'll be fair re money and most are not.

Just remember. It isn't for HIM to bestow money on you and the children. It isn't for HIM to decide you can stay in the house. He might earn the hard cash but that's only because you are looking after his kids so he can.

ButIbeingpoor · 13/06/2016 18:08

Sounds like things not too rosy for OW ( bitch) if she's had to move back in her marital home. Shame, that is, proper shame.
The DC have a right to a relationship with their father, but make sure he works for it ( as you do by your caring for them). Don't forget he has to parent his own children properly.

Zucker · 13/06/2016 18:34

Dont be totally surprised if the OW has found things not to be quite as rosy having left her DH and that's why she's moved back in. Just putting it out there in case your arse of a husband tries to wheedle his way back for a second chance.